It just set me off...

[C2]

Hi,

I haven't been on here in years. Been pretty good at recognizing PDs, or simply behavior that's too high on the spectrum for my likes, and going the other way. I meet a lot of them, it seems, and it sometimes feels like a test to make sure I'm really maintaining my boundaries as I should. I recently had a big client (I freelance) who was paying me great money, was enjoyable to work with, seemed like a friend too... .then she just switched. Boom. I recognized the behavior for what it was, and even though I had to weather some rocky stuff about getting paid and terminating the work relationship, I was proud of myself for not engaging, being matter-of-fact, gracious but not a doormat, etc. The money stuff was stressful, but not the relationship, which was a big step for me.

Anyway, I recently met a new neighbor who also freelances. We got to chatting and he seemed okay at first, but within about a day, I realized he was a poster child for a personality disorder:

* asked me to pick up something at the market for him (before I got a good grasp of his personality, or I would have refused) and when I told him they were out (true), said he'd just go there and get it himself (as in, clearly I was lying)

* history of DUIs

* history of resisting arrest w/charges (who tells someone that within 24 hours of meeting them?)

* history of unstable work relationships

* can't buy a new battery for his car but just got cable TV, new Internet package, huge load of firewood delivered

* has a list of people he's angry at, hates, etc.

* showed up in the morning at my house unannounced because he "just wanted to see my place" (yeah, not giving tours)

* was reluctant to leave when I told him I was eating breakfast and trying to meet a deadline

* came to my house drunk later in the afternoon

* sarcastically apologized for his "alcoholism" (his word, not mine, although I concur)

* tried to take down the gate I have across the doorway for the dogs (literally, boundary issues)

* when I backed away from him (outside) to create distance between us, he kept taking a step forward to close the space

* doesn't believe he should have to have to train his aggressive dog or have her on a leash

* said he gave the dog away for 6 months "for her own good"

* use of epithets--must have said "I'm a well-travelled guy" at least a half dozen times to me

* was seemingly laying in wait for me when I came out the following day to ask me over for drinks and "some food" that same night

* became angry and sarcastic when I said I was both sick (true) and had to work (also true)

* accused me of using those "excuses" not to spend time with him

After that last episode, within a few hours, what I thought was a minor cold turned into a raging fever and stomach bug. It could have been brewing all along, but I just have the feeling that my encounter with him turned it into something worse.

I've been cranky and losing focus ever since. Something about this guy tripped my PD trigger. I think he reminded me of the most toxic aspects of my ex-husband, as well as several other people I've known. Of course, I've been sick, too, which hasn't helped, but I'm particularly cross when I think of him (trying not to, but it's hard when he blares his stereo so loud the whole neighborhood hears it--not in US, so calling police not an option).

I suppose I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop--saying bad things about me to neighbors, trying to force a confrontation between his dog and mine, him following me when I go down to the beach to relax, etc. I had another neighbor like this a few years ago. I let it play out, and he did wind up moving. I'm praying this guy doesn't stay long either, or at least moves on to someone else (I know that sounds cruel, but it's not my responsibility to fix it).

I think I'm pissed, too, that it's yet another instance of meeting someone who could be an intelligent friend or someone to talk to but who turns out to be a PD (in this case I'm leaning towards sociopath).

OK, thanks for letting me rant. If I gave the list above to a lot of people, they'd just say I was making something out of nothing, or he just had some bad breaks, or it was all in my head blah blah blah... .

Best to you all,

C2

ETA: based on his actions and the stuff he told me, I didn't want to say, "No, I don't want to spend time with you." And I was sick and caught a bit off guard. So I said I was sick and on deadline, hoping he'd just get the message. Still trying to figure out with PDs when it's best to be blunt and when to just be polite and let them figure it out. His response was so telling, I don't think the issue will come up again. Any normal person would have said "Oh, sorry to hear that. Let's take a rain check," even if he knew it wasn't likely to happen. Polite discourse. They just can't do it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi C2,

This kind of behavior would have set me off, too. The lack of boundaries you describe (which I find alarming at so early a stage) would have made me feel very uneasy, and given your history, and the fact that he is your neighbor, makes it really understandable that you feel a bit on edge. 

I agree with you that his reactions to your non-acceptance of invitations is very telling, and I think listening to your gut on this is a great idea. I'm not sure it's useful to ponder whether he is PD or not; the fact is that his behavior has been strange and felt uncomfortable to you. That's information that you can use to explore your own boundaries and relationship needs.

I say put yourself and your comfort first. We can respond pleasantly and also have boundaries. If he doesn't like it—too bad. Your peace and well being are your priority, and his are his.

heart   

[C2]

Thanks, heart.

So far he has been keeping his distance, so I think the message has been received. My guess is he has a bench warrant in the States, and he's smart enough not to run into trouble with foreign law enforcement. He'll get deported back to the US and have to go to jail. And suddenly his stereo is much quieter too, so I'm thinking someone else had problems with his noise and told him to turn it down (or the landlord demanded it).

I know he was having some conflict with the guy living on the other side of him, a sweet, quiet and respectful young man who I was hoping to employ to walk my dogs a few days a week. PD guy was letting his dog on his property all the time, letting his dog pick fights with the young man's dog. Now the young one has moved out.   I think he was driven away. If that was the case, I wonder if he said something to our mutual landlord when he moved out. I hope so.

I do find that PDs always have a need to tell you who they really are early on, although this was the biggest vomit of dysfunction I've ever experienced. I think  they do it as a way of testing you (whether consciously or unconsciously, I don't know) to see how codependent you are, will you set boundaries, etc. If they lay out all the evidence and you still bite, they've got a new source. If you get wise, they move on. When I think back on every PD relationship I've had, even with casual co-workers whom I realized later to be PDs, the evidence was there in something they announced.

Interestingly, when I have seen PD guy around from a distance, I get a queasy feeling in my stomach. It's like he literally makes me sick.

Normally, I don't really care any more about PD labels, and you're right, heart, it's the actions that violate my boundaries that really matter. But I think in the case of someone you suspect to be AsPD, that label can be important. Sociopaths can be dangerous, but a lot of their behavior is somewhat predictable, so it's good to be able to anticipate what they might do to protect yourself. If nothing happens, great, but I like to reduce my chances of being caught off guard.

[C2]

UPDATE:

Creepy guy is now moving in next door to me. My next door neighbor lost his job, and he and his wife moved to a cheaper house behind me.

Since the last post, Creepy has installed some nefarious software on a neighbor's computer and tried to get into his banking information (the neighbor just wanted a CD burner program installed). He also keeps begging me to work for him developing websites (he ambushes me when I am getting out of my car). I was still polite but said no several times.

He has had multiple complaints from neighbors about his stereo again, but when I said something, he told me I was the only neighbor who complained (security guard and other neighbors have told me otherwise). It was that interaction that I decided not to be nice to him any more and just be a b___. I think he had marked me as a target and I was being way too nice. As I am writing this he is already using the patio next door and his loose dog just ___ in my yard. This is the same dog who attacked my neighbor's little dog last week and put her in the hospital with two puncture wounds. There's gonna be a come to Jesus meeting with my landlord and RE agent, but I have the feeling I'm going to be moving again. The security guard says he has a long list of people who are unhappy with him, and I think he's just looking to engage. I'm writing this in a hurry, and I don't have time to think of the exact wording, but it's the kind of practiced button pushing that PDs do and then say, "What? What did I do? I was just asking you where you were going... .letting my dog make friends with you... .keeping an eye on your house... ."

[caughtnreleased]

I am so sorry to hear this!  I've experienced bad situations where you no longer feel safe/comfortable in your own home due to neighbours.  It's a terrible feeling.  I hope you look after yourself, and do everything you need to do to get back to having a home that you feel safe in.