Letting Go... How?

[FigureIt]

I understand that they are very selfish, self involved individuals.  But, how do you let those small "all about me" things go ALL the time? 

This weekend my uBPDbf had a Black-tie Dinner which we went to, but before that my D9 had a sports event.  The dinner started at 6pm, my uBPDbf wanted to go like 2hrs before to some bar.  He had told me b4 I left he would be getting a ride earlier if I wasn't there. I didn't rush watched my daughter's event then came home.  Well that was a lie, cuz when I got home he was all p.o.'d at me that I was late.  So I hurried, got ready, and when we got to the bar we were only 2minutes after another couple and noone else was there.  So, in actuality we weren't late at all.  Yet, that night I got an earful on how I don't care, blah, blah, blah.  The big issue is that he believes he should be put first ahead of my daughter.  When I was able to accomplish both things, but not in his mind.

Also, the constant little lies they tell... .How do you just let it all go?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

You have to truly get it down insie that it isn't about you and all about them.  He is projecting his feelings on to you.

[maxsterling]

My feeling here is that when you are with the pwBPD long enough, the detachment either happens on its own or the relationship winds up failing on its own.  Sink or swim. 

And while I feel mostly detached after nearly 2 years into this r/s, I also feel numb much of the time.  That's not a fun feeling, either, because I am not only numb to the negative stuff, but the positive as well.  I need to find a better balance here.  Here are some things that have happened that have helped me along this path:

- her accusing me of things that are so incredibly absurd there is almost no way I can take them personally.  After a few times being blamed for things that happened before we even met, it's much easier to not take things personally.

- me using time away from her wisely to work on myself and boost my own self esteem - and not rely on her for validation of who I am.  She may say nasty stuff every now and then, but having good relationships with friends helps me know I am not who she sometimes claims me to be.

- Small apologies and admissions from her that during her rages she is out of control, and really just venting and not really venting at me.

- When she is raging, find a way to escape.  Much of the hurt isn't from the initial thing that bothers her, it's from all the subsequent crap she drags in again and again.

I will say that detachment/letting go is extremely difficult, and don't beat yourself up if you are hurt.

[FigureIt]

I know it is ALL about them.  It just gets to be soo much sometimes.  This weekend we were out with friends and the wife approaches my uBPDbf and tells how her husband cuts all the veggies for Thanksgiving to help.  My uBPDbf assumes that I have said something negative about him, which I didn't.  The minute we are alone he begins to rage at me.  I tell the friend couple and she explains to my bf what she ment, again the minute we are alone and into the next day he blames me.  Continues then to make statements that are lies.  I just flat out said the way you are behaving and what you are saying is not how you treat someone you "love."

Oh, and by the way according to him because I am an extrovert that means I crave attention and that is all a negative.

Unfortunately, right now I think I just stay in the relationship because there is soo much work to have to leave and there would be a severe financial burden I would have to take on.

[FigureIt]

I tried to tell my uBPDbf how I felt by his behavior on Saturday night and his response was "it wasn't that bad." And me asking him for attention like he gives to everyone else means "I need attention". His constant deflection just has me at a point of wanting to scream!

[vortex of confusion]

I tried to tell my uBPDbf how I felt by his behavior on Saturday night and his response was "it wasn't that bad." And me asking him for attention like he gives to everyone else means "I need attention". His constant deflection just has me at a point of wanting to scream!

Sending you a great big hug! 

I know exactly how you feel. I started thread about mine deflecting all of the time. It is very hurtful and frustrating. I don't have any answers. I am plugging along trying to work through all of this.

[icom]

A gradual emotional detachment is an inevitable consequence of pursuing a pseudo relationship (I use the word “pseudo” advisedly) with a BPD…in my estimation.

Let’s examine a few facts:

Without getting too bogged down in Sociological theory, there are multiple conceptual frameworks governing the development of interpersonal relationships, and all have-as their ultimate aim-unimpeded symmetrical exchanges (or reciprocity) and maximal proximity (social penetration). Using Knapp’s Model, relationships are maximized once they pass through an orientation, exploratory, and affective stages, leading to an optimal level of stability in the final stage of bonding. All relationships (Friends, Business, lovers) follow this pattern.

However, this pattern is corrupted-or suspended-in a BPD relationship.

Knapp’s Model posits these five stages of relational escalation: Initiation, intensification, exploration, integration, and bonding. 

With their maladaptive pathological ego defenses, emotional immaturity, and lack of differentiation, the BPD relationship will forever be stuck in the intensification and exploration stages.

The logical consequence of this is that relational stagnation inevitably results, and one’s sense of commitment withers appreciably when the rewards are so paltry/meagre at best. 

This is one element of the depersonalization process.

The second element is that the BPD’s self-esteem and security are linked to delusions and faulty interpretations of reality. At its most basic, the BPD utilize these ego defenses to eliminate the need to cope with reality, and as a consequence, the non afflicted partner in never fully “present” in the sense that they would be in a normal relationship. 

Pathologic ego defenses:

Denial
, Splitting
, Projection
, Superiority complex
, Distortion

Keep this in mind:  your name is not on this list of ego defenses, and as such, the behaviour is rarely-if ever-personalized. 

A certain feeling of weightlessness overcomes one when they finally recognize the fact that the non afflicted partner is always in the one-up position in the relationship.