Just remembering

[sea5045]

Hi everyone... .I was on this board two to three years ago coping with my break up,,and it is over... .

lately I have been having family problems, and have been feeling hurt and sensitive about their behaviors, started thinking I was starting to look at everyone suspiciously, starting to feel BPD-ish, victim-y and then remembered the web site, and FOG, and so I am back.

My therapist is booked, I was thinking of talking to my doctor about a mild anti-psychotic since I have started to wonder about everyone, and maybe venting here will provide some relief.

[Kwamina]

Welcome back sea5045

Been a long time indeed. I am sorry that you are having some problems now but good thing you remembered this site though

Could you tell us a bit more about the family problems you're experiencing? Are there any specific family-members you're having problems with in particular? Did anything happen recently that might have triggered you?

[sea5045]

Yes I don't have any steady relationships with my family here since my break up, my step-mother when she is angry withdraws from me and the last time was for 18 months right after my break up... we then reconnected and we did the holidays going to dinner and exchanging gifts, her spending money on me (idealization).  So when I moved she came over with all these things she had to decorate, but it was a 100 degrees and she wanted to paint and picked the color which I don't like. I tried to tell her that I was busy planning a reception for a friend getting married with no family, and I had just started a new job, so when she came over the next morning I didn't hear her knocking. I overslept bc I was exhausted and jumped up late for the reception, and when I called two days later she said "I don't want to be here" meaning on the phone with me.  (devaluation)

I gave her a letter apologizing and copy of my key so it wouldn't happen again. She knows I am hard of hearing, but will not speak to me.  I triggered all the old abandonment crap I experienced with my breakup.  She is erratic, will rage when she thinks someone is hurting her financially, but I never thought of it as BPD. 

However, my therapist once said something like   "is everyone you know BPD"? when I told her about an incident involving her.


Anyway I realized when I got back on this site that the devaluation triggered all the depression, fear of being left, obsessive thinking, rumination, and suspiciousness about everything.  I am better now two months later, but it helps to have this framework. I did call last week and left a message that I wish she would just yell at me and not cut me out as it is hurtful, but again nothing.  I am trying to use emotional maturity and not react but I definitely feel the Queen is punishing me and it makes me feel toxic in side.