Who do pwBPD end up with?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Without help, what happens to them? Do they keep destroying peoples lives into old age? Do they finally meet their match? I picked this board because I wanted perspective from people leaving relationships. I imagine the answers would be much different on the 'Staying' board

[Craydar]

Without help, what happens to them? Do they keep destroying peoples lives into old age? Do they finally meet their match? I picked this board because I wanted perspective from people leaving relationships. I imagine the answers would be much different on the 'Staying' board

[enlighten me]

Im not saying my exs mums had BPD but there were probably some issues. They have both settled for nice, boring pushovers.

I believe that pwBPD will keep destroying relationships up until the point they have no more supply. Then they settle for someone below their expectations as they know they can control them.

The image of the henpecked husband springs to mind.

[Trog]

Yes this is about the point. I've seen people with BPD basically get to a certain age and then settle for someone 20-30 years older or who is hen-pecked and lets them control all aspects of their life. The poor bast... .s still end up resentful and hating their BPD partners. I heard of an old guy who despised his wife so much he was trying to ensure she got nothing from him on his deathbed. Be glad ur away it's a life of hell

[enlighten me]

There is another thing to consider. Some BPD women mellow with age. Whether yhis is due to a hormonal change which levels them out or whatever.

[Craydar]

So the Alpha Male or Narcissist doesn't stand a chance with her? My successor seems like a stronger individual. Maybe not so much after a few more months with her. When I started putting up boundaries, she fled.

[Craydar]

There is another thing to consider. Some BPD women mellow with age. Whether yhis is due to a hormonal change which levels them out or whatever.

I would imagine that they would not violently lash out as much for fear of throwing out their hip, but the fear of abandonment, the drama, and the projecting probably quietly lingers and drives spouses mad.

[Caredverymuch]

So the Alpha Male or Narcissist doesn't stand a chance with her? My successor seems like a stronger individual. Maybe not so much after a few more months with her. When I started putting up boundaries, she fled.

The narcissist/borderline r/s is not at all uncommon.  Their respective PDs avoid true intimacy, so the dynamic is different yet more familiar.  The r/s plays on each partners core wounds whereby it is still toxic and unhealthy, but the avoidance of intimacy with a partner who is consistently stronger and never gets too close keeps the BPD disorder a bit more in check.   

[Take2]

My ex's parents are both clearly disordered.  The father was physically and verbally abusive as my ex was growing up and his mother was very emotionally distant, preferring the middle child over the ex and protecting the middle child from the abuse but not the ex nor the older brother.  It sounds like the dad is abusive and the mom has BPD.  A very messed up family.  When his dad has a stroke and then came out of a coma, all his mom could talk about was how she was going to leave him and how abused she's been.  Neither my ex nor his brothers seemed able to believe any of it and just started talking about how crazy SHE is... .  I pointed out to my ex that she probably HAS been abused for years !  He refused to hear anything about it.  My point... . they are older now, still together and clearly still very dysfunctional.  

The father still has major anger but after having had a stroke, is too old/frail to act on it in the same way.  The mother is still with him and I don't really know her update as my ex won't talk about it other than to say she's crazy.  

I don't think it goes away... . I think some people just find their dysfunctional match... . 

That comment from Caredverymuch just came in as I was typing and that totally fits this couple.  The father is very narcissistic and the mother very borderline... .  the very abusive man did keep the borderline mother in check to an extent to the point that she could not be a raging borderline but her son sure is... .  well, as I've said in many places on these boards... .I suspect he's got more going on than just BPD... .

[Pieter2]

Ultimately they are those people who live next to you but you never know who they are. You've never seen them and they have no friends. No-one at her workplace knows the husband but everyone knows that she sleeps with most people at the office. The kids are traumatised and end up bullying others at school, ultimately leaving school and varsity with either little success or success but absolute hatred for their families. The BPD dies early due to all the stress, alcohol and drug abuse and anxiety, and the husband fades away, nobody ever knowing what this man ever accomplished, why there are no pictures of him and his family after the wedding (When it started to go downhill) or where he went wrong. Seen it before. They end up making shells of people... .It is sad - Think about it, you've seen these people in old age homes. Nothing wrong with them, but they just stare at walls, their eyes full of regret. Those people are the ones who ended up with BPD people.

[BrokenFamily]

Yes this is about the point. I've seen people with BPD basically get to a certain age and then settle for someone 20-30 years older or who is hen-pecked and lets them control all aspects of their life. The poor bast... .s still end up resentful and hating their BPD partners. I heard of an old guy who despised his wife so much he was trying to ensure she got nothing from him on his deathbed. Be glad ur away it's a life of hell

I have to agree with this assumption. Although I was forever giving, patient and understanding I stood my ground in the relationship and often tried to point out her irrational thoughts and actions. My suggesting she get help only provoked her rage, as result she painted me black. My replacement which she fell madly in love with the following day is a shy guy who never had a girlfriend, lives at home with his mommy and has no car, he's definitely a push over. It's only been 2 month since the breakup and they have had two major fights since, he's taken all responsibility for her anger and moods and even apologized for it.

BPD's have an incredible ability to manipulate others as well as themselves, she's currently hiding her issues in an effort to continue to blame me for the breakup and the total destruction of our family. Despite me giving her everything she's even convinced herself that our 4 years together was horrible and she was always unhappy and she's much happier taking the bus with a man much less attractive. My bed advice is to learn, heal and not worry about your ex, the future or the replacement, it will only distract you from more productive things you could be doing to better yourself.   

[Craydar]

So the Alpha Male or Narcissist doesn't stand a chance with her? My successor seems like a stronger individual. Maybe not so much after a few more months with her. When I started putting up boundaries, she fled.

The narcissist/borderline r/s is not at all uncommon.  Their respective PDs avoid true intimacy, so the dynamic is different yet more familiar.  The r/s plays on each partners core wounds whereby it is still toxic and unhealthy, but the avoidance of intimacy with a partner who is consistently stronger and never gets too close keeps the BPD disorder a bit more in check.   

That may have been the issue. I kept pushing for more intimacy while she was comfortable with simply having sex (not that that's bad  )

[clydegriffith]

I'm wondering the same thing. The BPDx is in her mid 20s and has been reeking non-stop chaos everywhere she's gone up to this point in her life. The sad part is that she's brought 5 children into her messed up world to go along for the ride.

[Popcorn71]

It will be interesting for me to see what happens to my xBPDh.  He lives very close by so whatever happens I will get to know about it, even if I don't want to.

He's coming up to 60 and the replacement, I would guess is around 45 years old, but looks much older and is a bit of a mess.  She's from a culture where a couple get together at a young age and don't usually split up.  I would be surprised if she isn't a widow as that is the only situation where I could see him being accepted by her family.  I also think that he's now stuck with her, whether he wants her or not.  Her group of people sort out problems using violence and dumping a woman is not the done thing.  If he left her, no doubt, he would get the beating of his life ... .  and she has several grown up sons that would do it.

He is acting happy now, but I don't really think he is.  I think it's an act of bravado.  He's trying to show me and everyone around that he's ok and he doesn't regret what he did.  However, I would bet that within a few years, they end up hating each other, but staying together anyway.  She probably won't leave because he is her only means of financial security and he won't be able to leave.

The way I see it is that he has finally got what he deserves and she didn't get the catch she thought had.

[Dutched]

Well, the other day I ran into exHFBPDw an her soother

Living mainland Europe, ex hunted desperately like a cougar, instead was hooked by a 65 yr old GREAT-GRANDfather Michelin puppet of the UK.

Moved in with exw a 13/14 yrs. younger.

A background of that soother I received via UK contacts:

Age 65, retired?, fled from the UK to mainland Europe after several yrs. moving around in a camper.

From a low social class (typical rebelling in early/mid 60ties, expressing it by ordinary tattoos, totally disgusting and contempt in those days), first kid he got at ca. 19 yrs. of age.

His oldest daughter a 5-6 yrs. younger than exw... .

Daughter who has a daughter of 23 (same age as the daughter I once had, who I haven't seen since several yrs.), who became in 2010 (age 19) a mom (copycat of GREATH-GRANDfather?)... . 

Received pictures of a few yrs. ago, back then a fairly normal (for his age) posture, several years in his camper he must have lived on sausages, bacon and eggs, transforming him into a tattoo Michelin puppet.

Within those 3 minutes he/soother sat at that table as a Mummy, couldn’t pick up any desperate subtle signs from exw to help her while I was asking her several questions:

- How she suddenly gathered the guts to wave, after 4 yrs. hiding, not attending my sons graduation, etc;

- If she meanwhile is under professional treatment what she back then for her and my family refused;

- Why she is still unable to say goodbye to me as normal emotional adults do after a + 30yrs.;

- Why she is still wearing my earrings I gave her out of love with her birthday. Expressing her burden?

So initially waving with the “confident-mask” (of course strengthened by the company of grandpa soother) exw crumbled into the ashamed and hurt child, no soother to help her.

Grandpa Michelin soother FAILED to rescue the Borderline from the bad parent, the first crack…  

How could he be of help? He is totally not interested in her, just for the benefits. It’s a grandpa who fled abroad, desperate looking for his next “LAST soulmate”. Hooked one with a house, food, benefits  for cold nights and to be taken care of at his age.

Can you imagine expressing your emotional needs, having quarrels, etc in a foreign language? Mom tell my son her soother is early 50… and no kids. What a deep, deep shame expressed!  

He is even fed up with the situation at his moms place, now special with the lies and pain mom caused!

Not attending at his graduation already and some other highlights!

Her saying especially: “His life is his problem, NOT mine!”

   How more pain can you give a child?  It backfires now…

Exw in the meanwhile? Showing off with her Michelin Grandpa, of course in denial (surprisingly   ), already made ridiculous behind her back. But as a HF exw must succeed now, just preventing to lose her mask towards others.

You know, I predicted all, not in detail, in that r/s and later. Exw will never find her baseline anymore, will stay in her rollercoaster and will destroy (as exw did) the best she ever got, however never could see the real value of having it. Well, in her mind she finally found “the best ever happened to me” (the universal BPD sentence…).