Cognitive Dissonance

[vortex of confusion]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I forget which post it was but there was a recent post about how it is normal to try to make sense of things, especially when things seem a bit nonsensical.

I realize that my thoughts do not align with my actions and that is tough. I feel like I have always valued marriage and finding ways to make things work. That is bumping into my current thoughts, which are that I want and need to leave in order to be more healthy.

According to wikipedia: www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.

I realize that I have been struggling with cognitive dissonance for most of my marriage. I had certain beliefs about marriage and how partners are supposed to behave. I realize, too, that a lot of the reason that I relaxed boundaries was to minimize the cognitive dissonance. Partners are supposed to look out for each other and help each other. Me saying NO and trying to institute boundaries conflicted with that. Also, my husband's behavior presented me with information/behaviors that challenged my beliefs.

The article also says:

Cognitive dissonance theory is founded on the assumption that individuals seek consistency between their expectations and their reality. Because of this, people engage in a process called dissonance reduction to bring their cognitions and actions in line with one another. This creation of uniformity allows for a lessening of psychological tension and distress. According to Festinger, dissonance reduction can be achieved in four ways:

Attitude: "I am going on a diet and will avoid high fat food"

Behavior: Eating a doughnut or some other high fat food

1. Change behavior/cognition

(Ex: Stop eating the doughnut)

2. Justify behavior/cognition by changing the conflicting cognition

(Ex: "I'm allowed to cheat every once in a while"

3. Justify behavior/cognition by adding new cognitions

(Ex: "I'll spend 30 extra minutes at the gym to work it off"

4. Ignore/Deny any information that conflicts with existing beliefs

(Ex: "I did not eat that donut. I always eat healthy."

In reading that, it occurred to me that my attitude used to be (but is slowly changing) that marriage should be saved at all costs. My behavior is that I am making an exit plan and trying to figure out how to leave my husband and end our relationship. In order to change my attitude to fit my behavior, I am having to figure out how to change my thinking and my behavior so that they do not create dissonance.

Something else in the wikipedia article that caught my attention was the story about the fox and the grapes. It brings up how the fox can't get the grapes so the fox says that they are probably pretty sour anyway. It states: "This example follows a pattern: one desires something, finds it unattainable, and reduces one's dissonance by criticizing it." That made me question my behavior and my motives for criticizing my spouse in these forums. Since he has made it perfectly clear that he is unable to improve or work with me to create intimacy, am I criticizing him because I feel that he has become unattainable? Are some people saying bad things about those that have left them as a way to reduce cognitive dissonance?

Just some thoughts that I had that I thought would be interesting to discuss. I feel like the key for me leaving is figuring out how to deal with MY cognitive dissonance.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Yeah, I often found myself expecting my ex-girlfriend to be a better person than she actually was. Which is why I said I'm sorry for things that weren't my fault, and why I rationalized her behavior. I wanted to preserve her as some sort of Goddess. When really she was just some crazy cat lady, .

Although I think it can be useful to notice when you're doing this. I think it's more important that your beliefs are flexible, forgiving, and easy on yourself and others. When you think things like, marriage is something you should stick with no matter what, that you must be beautiful, that you must be strong, that you shouldn't be suffering, that this shouldn't have happened, etc. You fill yourself with obligations and expectations that will just make you miserable. Almost all of us here could use more equanimity.

[Turkish]

What BFS said about equanimity is characteristic of a healthy r/s, yet a pwBPD operates on attention and what we often see as drama. We become the other player in that drama. Reciprocity should be foundational in a healthy r/s as well. Most of us here are or were in loaded relationships. You sound like you're done, but are still in a living situation that fits in a gray area, and you're still processing things. If he's steadfast in his values, then at least he's honest. You sound conflicted with what you (or marriage) is expected to be as opposed to your core values. Can you reconcile yours with his? It sounds like you've been trying to do that for a long time.

Your point about cognitive dissonace is interesting. Sure, we come here in a lot of pain. Our SO's arent here to tell their side of the story. My T said that some of my uBPDx's criticisms were legitimate. I believe that. But truth was mixed in with disorder, lies, twisted thinking and emotional immaturity. No wonder it's confusing!

[aeoma]

Cognitive dissonance is what made the relationship and BU process so difficult.

During the RS, as her actions and words were so different, I was constantly fighting to understand what she clearly thought. One day I was a "sex partner" (so nice to hear that), one other day she could reproach me to see her only for sex, and she once said "you know, between us it's more than sex". It makes the mind twist like crazy.

One day I gave her an ultimatum and asked her to be clear about us, otherwise I would be out of the RS. I was so sick of the rollercoaster. She told me she had feelings but was scared to express them.

Now I know it was just a trick to make me continue running the hamster wheel, and that it didn't mean anything. Proof is, she later told me "you don't like that I call you sex partner, so I don't". It was only words for her.

After the breakup, the cognitive dissonance is the reason it takes so much time to reinterpret all her past behaviors and become at peace, understanding what happened (check spartan coach video on youtube about post breakup over analysis).

After the love bomb her behavior contradicted the kindness and sweet side, but I refused to see it because I was already hooked ! I still wanted to believe she wanted something real between us, I was keeping the good, forgetting the bad sayings. Now I know nothing was real and she played me from day one.

It is a very important lesson for me, I will never accept such emotional manipulation anymore.

[vortex of confusion]

What BFS said about equanimity is characteristic of a healthy r/s, yet a pwBPD operates on attention and what we often see as drama. We become the other player in that drama. Reciprocity should be foundational in a healthy r/s as well. Most of us here are or were in loaded relationships.

So true! As I read that, my first thought was, "Yeah, it has been reciprocal. . .reciprocal drama!"

You sound like you're done, but are still in a living situation that fits in a gray area, and you're still processing things.

I am very much still processing things. I tend to be very slow and deliberate when processing things and making major life changing decisions. I really like to make sure that what I am thinking and feeling isn't fleeting and that makes it difficult for me to process things because I don't have a lot of people around me that are what I would consider to be stable and dependable.

If he's steadfast in his values, then at least he's honest. You sound conflicted with what you (or marriage) is expected to be as opposed to your core values. Can you reconcile yours with his? It sounds like you've been trying to do that for a long time.

He isn't steadfast in his values. At different times he has been very involved in his church but he doesn't really follow the teachings of his own church. He admits to being confused about his spirituality and religion. I can respect that. What I can't respect is when one day he says he is bisexual and then changes his mind the next. I can't respect it when one day he says that he wants an open relationship and the next he doesn't. It is like as soon as I get comfortable with some arrangement or agreement that we have made, then something changes and I don't really know how to proceed. If we didn't have 4 young kids, I would know exactly what to do and exactly how to proceed.

Your point about cognitive dissonace is interesting. Sure, we come here in a lot of pain. Our SO's arent here to tell their side of the story. My T said that some of my uBPDx's criticisms were legitimate. I believe that. But truth was mixed in with disorder, lies, twisted thinking and emotional immaturity. No wonder it's confusing!

I know that a lot of my criticisms are legitimate. I come from a family where they are masters of painting people black. One day, they are getting along and the next day they are ranting and raving and saying how horrible the other person is. I have tried really hard to not be like that so I try to figure out what is legitimate and what isn't. Like you say, it isn't always easy to figure out because there are times when something will seem like a legitimate concern one day and the next day it seems like I am making a big deal out of nothing because of the way he will make abnormal things seem so unbelievably normal. One minute he will admit to being extremely impulsive and thoughtless but then when I say that his impulsivity worries me and contributes to lack of trust, then he backpedals and has me second guessing myself.

[Infern0]

Cognitive dissonance. ...

Thanks for putting it up because it describes the root of my problem.

I have two conflicting thoughts in my head that I cannot seem to reach a solution on.

1. Get away from her she is dangerous.

2. Do not abandon.

It's really bad,  I was attempting to explain to a friend today how I am starting to struggle with my cognitive functions. It can be fine when I'm expressing myself, talking or writing but give me a page of sums to do and I'll struggle. Usually this wouldn't be an issue for me.

I am starting to worry that I've got brain damage,  because that's how it sometimes feels.

The overriding conflict in my head is the root of all the problems.

Get away, don't abandon... .

[Pingo]

Cognitive dissonance. ...

Thanks for putting it up because it describes the root of my problem.

I have two conflicting thoughts in my head that I cannot seem to reach a solution on.

1. Get away from her she is dangerous.

2. Do not abandon.

It's really bad,  I was attempting to explain to a friend today how I am starting to struggle with my cognitive functions. It can be fine when I'm expressing myself, talking or writing but give me a page of sums to do and I'll struggle. Usually this wouldn't be an issue for me.

I am starting to worry that I've got brain damage,  because that's how it sometimes feels.

The overriding conflict in my head is the root of all the problems.

Get away, don't abandon... .

No you don't have brain damage.  Cognitive dissonance is mature.  A child develops the ability to have conflicting thoughts around 10-ish.  This is when they can think through a scenario such as "I really want that cookie but my Mom said I wasn't allowed a treat before dinner" and they are able to make the decision to eat the cookie or not and know the consequences of each choice.  Be glad we have the ability to have cognitive dissonance, it means we don't have a PD!

[Elpis]

Vortex, you said:

In reading that, it occurred to me that my attitude used to be (but is slowly changing) that marriage should be saved at all costs. My behavior is that I am making an exit plan and trying to figure out how to leave my husband and end our relationship. In order to change my attitude to fit my behavior, I am having to figure out how to change my thinking and my behavior so that they do not create dissonance.

That was me too. In a "normal" setting many things can be worked out in a marriage, but that is when both parties are willing to take responsibility and to regard the other's needs and wishes as highly as they regard their own. Our partners are not those people.

And it's sad. It's really really sad. I still have a church friend saying she wishes I could just be "back at home with the man you fell madly in love with!" But that guy thought I was smart and funny and worth paying attention to. The one of the later years was somebody who acted like everything was a competition where he had to win. Two very different people. I doubted myself a lot because I started believing what he said was true, all his subtle little put downs of who I was.

As I tried to reassert myself and my boundaries he just held on tighter to the control and that's when I realized I couldn't even have a normal conversation with him because even that would turn into a fight. He had to oppose at all costs.

Talk about cognitive dissonance! I was faced with this realization that I was indeed very much the same person I had been when we married--smart, funny, creative, etc. And yet I also had this jarring sense of myself as my h saw me. And those two "me"s couldn't coexist within me.

And he hasn't relented. Even though I've been out of the house for nearly 9 months, when I did sit with him face to face last week he still had to force his story of Elpis on me, the person he has decided I am (trigger trigger trigger!)

I haven't had a lot of strong and steady people around me either, but i'm learning how to find them and build a support community for myself. And those I've allowed in my life who just want to jump on my every perceived failure I don't talk to about this important stuff. (In fact I try not to talk to them at all.)

I have a friend (a recent one) who went through a divorce from a guy who sure sounded like a sex addict, and she's been great. When I was so knocked down by my get together with my h she reminded me that he's just somebody being mean who knows how to push all my buttons. She also told me it's okay to just take a break when I feel overwhelmed by the whole mess, sometimes you have to just take a break and do something else. Another said that when you go through one of those awful trauma triggering events that the next thing you should do is something restorative, whether it's get your toes done, go to a restaurant you really like, shop for a new shirt, go for a walk in nature, whatever.

That all amounts to one simple thing really, we take a hit, then we take care of ourselves, our hurt little girl. Me, I've tended to take a hit and then hide (just like when I was small.) With the freaking fibromyalgia I've had some big issues where my brain is too fogged to go drive somewhere, but even if I do something creative or take a rest and listen to one of my Affirmations cds it's so much more helpful.

For whatever reason, you and I did not learn that we were valuable enough to take care of, and everybody else in our lives were more valuable. This is the time we challenge that lie.