cnt stop blaming myself for her being in love with someone else

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

i really miss her so much, i dont know why, she just treated me like ___ and lied and cheated and i wanted to believe in her... and i was never this weak in any relationship prior to this...

and now, after she truely showing me she really loved me, and making me love for the first time in my life (im 22 and had 4 serious relationships prior to her, yet had never found love), she finds this new person and is now madly in love with HIM. in only a few weeks notice! plus when we were together, she liked this guys fb photo, and i asked her abt it, she just said it was a friend... this makes me think she was cheating on me even before breaking up on me, and shes even probably telling all our mutual friends how much of a loser i am, who was cheated on and lied to, and who let that happen...

im totally destroyed... she was the first person i could be my 100% self with, and who accepted everything about me and made me feel like she was my soul mate, damn she even liked everything i did and started talking the way i did... and now she cares 0.000 about me and is madly in love with this random dude that she liked pics and now theyre dating and travelling together and what not... i really thought a week ago that if i died it would spare my pain... this is the worst ive ever been through, i really could use some reassurance to help me understand this/go through this... because no one around me seems to realize that its more than just a random break up... its a BPD break up...

[jflc]

 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

i really miss her so much, i dont know why, she just treated me like ___ and lied and cheated and i wanted to believe in her... and i was never this weak in any relationship prior to this...

and now, after she truely showing me she really loved me, and making me love for the first time in my life (im 22 and had 4 serious relationships prior to her, yet had never found love), she finds this new person and is now madly in love with HIM. in only a few weeks notice! plus when we were together, she liked this guys fb photo, and i asked her abt it, she just said it was a friend... this makes me think she was cheating on me even before breaking up on me, and shes even probably telling all our mutual friends how much of a loser i am, who was cheated on and lied to, and who let that happen...

im totally destroyed... she was the first person i could be my 100% self with, and who accepted everything about me and made me feel like she was my soul mate, damn she even liked everything i did and started talking the way i did... and now she cares 0.000 about me and is madly in love with this random dude that she liked pics and now theyre dating and travelling together and what not... i really thought a week ago that if i died it would spare my pain... this is the worst ive ever been through, i really could use some reassurance to help me understand this/go through this... because no one around me seems to realize that its more than just a random break up... its a BPD break up...

[maxen]

hi jflc  

your experience is very fresh and you have all my sympathy for your pain. it's a horrifying feeling, i know. lots of us here understand. you're in the right place.

is now madly in love with HIM. in only a few weeks notice!

if she does have BPD, this relationship may not be what it appears to you. BPD is an attachment disorder, and it's a very strong drive in pwBPD to be attached to someone. if she can switch her affections that quickly, i'd scarcely call it love. but also i'll pass along a piece of advice that my T repeated to me lots of times: "you literally have no idea what their relationship is like." the last thing my wife said to me after bolting straight to the other party's apartment was "i'm very confused."

keep posting here, spend time with your friends if you can.  

[BuildingFromScratch]

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

i really miss her so much, i dont know why, she just treated me like ___ and lied and cheated and i wanted to believe in her... and i was never this weak in any relationship prior to this...

and now, after she truely showing me she really loved me, and making me love for the first time in my life (im 22 and had 4 serious relationships prior to her, yet had never found love), she finds this new person and is now madly in love with HIM. in only a few weeks notice! plus when we were together, she liked this guys fb photo, and i asked her abt it, she just said it was a friend... this makes me think she was cheating on me even before breaking up on me, and shes even probably telling all our mutual friends how much of a loser i am, who was cheated on and lied to, and who let that happen...

im totally destroyed... she was the first person i could be my 100% self with, and who accepted everything about me and made me feel like she was my soul mate, damn she even liked everything i did and started talking the way i did... and now she cares 0.000 about me and is madly in love with this random dude that she liked pics and now theyre dating and travelling together and what not... i really thought a week ago that if i died it would spare my pain... this is the worst ive ever been through, i really could use some reassurance to help me understand this/go through this... because no one around me seems to realize that its more than just a random break up... its a BPD break up...

Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. How she treated you was terrible, and you deserved a lot better. I know it hurts, and you miss her. I know it hurts so badly that you can't stand it. Because she got so deep into your soul and then treated you like this. I too struggle with no one in my life understanding. It's really hard being so alone with it.

That next guy, he will get hurt too, just like you. It's not your fault, this new guy can't fix her either. There is no one for them, until they get years of therapy. And even then it's pretty damn unlikely to work out.

Hang in there and keep posting and reading the site. Feel your feelings when you can stand it. I promise it does get better. It's gotten better for all of us. Even those of us to struggle the most to recover, such as myself. I have gotten better. I hope you feel better.

[jflc]

yeah, but what makes me feeling like sh** is that right after we broke up, i called her a few days later and we were talking and i asked if she was serious with someone bc i wanted to have sex with her, and she said she had met someone, but that she didnt want to have anything serious because she had just left a serious relationship, but that that someone really really wanted something serious with her and that he was really pressured. one week later, the guy posts on facebook that theyre dating.

and to make it worst, i saw her at a club on the day i called her - and she didnt drink and didnt hook up with anyone. than she told me she didnt drink and didnt hook up because of the guy (something she NEVER did because of me... ) and she didnt even say she didnt hook up with anyone bc i was there... she said she didnt bc of the guy...

its horrible to think that she controlled herself and didnt binge drink for the guy, and didnt flirt and get with other men for the guy as well, when it seemed like she would NEVER do this for me... .   :'(

[Forestaken]

How old are you?  I'm 52

I just finished a long painful and expensive divorce with my uBPD+dOCD-Xw.  Yet, I am the happiest I've been in years. 

Please read some of the posts on the Legal board.  Then realize, you dodged a bullet.

There are ladies (non-BPDs) who deserve a guy like you. 

[OutOfEgypt]

BuildingFromScratch,

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  I hope you can start to see things for what they really are.  If she is BPD, the main thing you need to realize is that she isn't "madly in love" with him.  She has jumped over to a new source of supply for herself.  As far as her making you feel like nobody else ever has, that is how they all start out.  That is called "idealization."  The problem is that it never remains like that.  They put us up on this very high pedestal and make us feel so wonderful, but as the relationship moves to the next phase they become incredibly needy and then incredibly punishing.  Meanwhile, we feel like it's all our fault, and we try so hard to get back to the place where they appeared to "love" us.  

But that isn't mature love.  That is infatuation.  Mature love is when you can be yourself with someone, and they with you, and you can partner in a committed way through life.  That is love.  Love is more than a feeling.  It is a committed disposition toward another person and toward their good.  BPD's aren't capable of real long-term commitment.  They run from it and/or sabotage and destroy it.

It may *feel* like it is your fault, but it isn't.  You cannot be perfect.  And you shouldn't have to be.  The problem is with her.  They become infatuated with us, and then it gets to be too much for them and they bail.  Or they become an endless black hole of need that we can never fill, and they punish us for being unable to do the impossible.  

Trust me... .you are only 22.  I met mine when I was 22.  I married her because I thought "we love each other" and that was "all that mattered."  I thought that would be enough.  But I was naive.  Boy, was I wrong.  I never felt that kind of "love" before, but I spent the 14 years after that living in hell.  After marrying, everything changed.  Nothing I did was ever enough.  She told me I "lied about who I am."  I frantically did everything I could to hold onto her, to be enough for her, and to live up to the image of me that she originally had, to get back to that pure form.  She wanted to leave me every 2 years, I was cheated on with about 4-5 different men during 4 different periods of time, but she always came back.  Is that love?  And I got to see her do the same pattern to the guys she cheated on me with.

We finally divorced, and then after the divorce, when I was finally starting to feel better, she came back AGAIN. This time she promised to get professional help.  Well, to make a long story short the same exact thing happened.  The beginning was blissful.  We had amazing sex.  I had never felt so close to her in my life.  Things were amazing.  We had this amazing bond and connection and compassionate, mutual understanding.  And it went VERY quickly, all over again.  It was like a flashback to 13 years before, but worse.  And then she invited herself to move back into my house.  Like a switch flipping, she went back to the SAME thing.  Suddenly, she laid in bed all day and everything revolved around her.  Suddenly, she was talking to the guy she cheated on me with again -pretending, again, to be "just friends."  She would "hang out" with him all night.  It was torture.  I eventually found out what I already knew to be true.

They can't help it, and they won't change.  That is the life you are signing up for if you try to get her back, or take her back when and if she tries to come back.  Save yourself years of agony, my friend.

It isn't you.  And what she has with him isn't love.  It is only the same kind of warped infatuation she had with you.  She is fishing, and she is setting the hook in his lip so that she can reel him in and kill him.

[jflc]

maybe she didnt drink etc and didnt flirt bc she was on the honeymoon phase with her new guy?

maybe when she was in her honeymoon phase with me she wouldve done the same?

[BuildingFromScratch]

maybe she didnt drink etc and didnt flirt bc she was on the honeymoon phase with her new guy?

maybe when she was in her honeymoon phase with me she wouldve done the same?

That's most definitely why. I also want to point out that you're essentially saying "He's so much more special to her, she doesn't even cheat on him". I get it, you know, we all have messed up thoughts from these relationships. I sure as hell don't judge you over it, but just think about it. You deserve better, you are special, without the abuse and without her.

[Infern0]

What you need to remember is that BPD manifests a pattern of behaviour.

The truth is that the new guy is most likely going to end up getting the same sort of ending you did.

There are differences but unless the BPD is in ongoing treatment of their own accord and there is a lot of ongoing effort into maintaining their relationship there is always going to be mega problems.

Look I felt like you when mine left me. I felt like such a failure and like I didn't deserve her and I'd let her down etc... .all of this was so false.

I thought her and her new boyfriend were going to have this awesome life that I'd wanted with her and she told me he was the love of her life and even though she loved me it was different with him.

Not 12 weeks later she was texting me how unhappy she was with him and starting an emotional and then physical affair with me.

Point is its a problem within them, not us nons. I can almost guarantee you did a perfectly good job of being a partner.  Problem is nothing is ever good enough for the disorder.