BPD, NPD, Comorbid, or something entirely different?

[Craydar]

My UxBPDgf has the following traits and actions. I'm trying to determine if it is more BPD, NPD, comorbid, or some other Cluster B disorder:

- Fear of abandonment based on her ex-husband leaving for another woman

- Fear of commitment – does not want to get to close

- Conflict avoidance – Avoids discussions about the relationship

- Binge drinking and sometimes eating

- Difficulty controlling anger but NOT outright rage towards me

- Low self-esteem but feels entitled and sometimes believes she is better than others

- Not openly interested in materialistic things yet jealous of others

- Diagnosed with ADD – scatterbrained

- Will talk about family and friends but will not introduce me to them

- Selfish – Interested in only her issues, showing little or no empathy

- Gets bored easily

- Cancels plans at the last minute often, but retracts when I seem ok with it

- Younger and very narcissistic friends

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Well from what I have read and from conversations with my own therapist: It is what it is.  The diagnosis and criteria in the DSM are good for spelling out the issue for insurance and billing purposes.  For actual treatment and understanding, each person and their problems are as unique as their finger prints.

[MaybeSo]

I agree with the above response.

Do you need to bill insurance or create a treatment plan?

If not, diagnoses is almost irrelevant.

People are enormously complex. You won't find relationship answers in the DSM.

Focus on behaviors, not labels.

People use defensive strategis, most of them instinctual and outside of awareness, when they have been badly hurt, that includes the cluster B labels you are referring to.

People hate being labeled, especially by a peer or loved one. if you went to a couples counselor both of you would be encouraged to focus on your own feelings, needs, and behaviors.

You are talking about a very complicated person who has been hurt.

her stuff and your stuff will create a whole new organism called a relationship. it will be a reflection of how both of your strengths and weaknesses interact.

There is no DSM that labels the relationship, though there should be. it would be much more valuable than one person analyzing the other.

[Craydar]

Thank you maybeso and reluctant survivor for your responses I'm just trying to figure out if I am in the right place. My uxBPDgf hasn't contacted me in over 2 months. I'm hoping that when she does or when I reach out, that I'm able to say the right things, set the right boundaries, and help her manage whatever issues she has.

It seems like so many pwBPD described on this forum are so different from my ex.

[Moselle]

Craydar

It's enough that you are here learning about the disorder, and from your description, to know that she has BPD traits. Then everything you learn here from setting boundaries (as you mentioned) to communication, to learning about your role in the relationship becomes useful.

So you are in the right place whether she has been clinically diagnosed or not. That's honestly best left to the experts.

It sounds like you really care about her. Does she know or realise how much you care?

[bruceli]

My UxBPDgf has the following traits and actions. I'm trying to determine if it is more BPD, NPD, comorbid, or some other Cluster B disorder:

- Fear of abandonment based on her ex-husband leaving for another woman

- Fear of commitment – does not want to get to close

- Conflict avoidance – Avoids discussions about the relationship

- Binge drinking and sometimes eating

- Difficulty controlling anger but NOT outright rage towards me

- Low self-esteem but feels entitled and sometimes believes she is better than others

- Not openly interested in materialistic things yet jealous of others

- Diagnosed with ADD – scatterbrained

- Will talk about family and friends but will not introduce me to them

- Selfish – Interested in only her issues, showing little or no empathy

- Gets bored easily

- Cancels plans at the last minute often, but retracts when I seem ok with it

- Younger and very narcissistic friends

Definitely cluster B traits. In my experience/opinion, seem to be more BPD than NPD.

[foggydew]

THEY may hate being labelled, but it does help to know that it is part of a disorder and that they aren't intrinsically 'bad' and we aren't as terrible as they seem to think. It's a relief, albeit a private one, or one for contact and help on this site.

[Craydar]

Definitely cluster B traits. In my experience/opinion, seem to be more BPD than NPD.

I think so. The interesting thing is that she started projecting a lot of new interests towards the end of the relationship. Interests that I believe my replacement had. Funny how they mentally prepare for the dump and replace.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

It seems like so many pwBPD described on this forum are so different from my ex.

My ex told me herself she was diagnosed with borderline personality traits.  I have seen some of these traits play out myself.  I know from stories of her past that there is a pretty consistent cycle of her self destructing relationships.  That said she is also very different from some of the horror stories I have read here.

  Professionals aren't even in consensus as to what causes BPD.  Whether genetics or life events, every person has their own unique story that made them the way they are.  Many of the BPD traits are coping and defense mechanisms that play out in similar ways but each pwBPD has a mix of these things.

  Look at the individual, not the disorder.  When I do that with my ex I see an amazing and beautiful soul that has been so hurt through life that she struggles everyday with wounds so deep she has forgotten exactly where they are.  In her case the core trauma goes back to a horribly unstable childhood filled with abandonment and abuse.