Ḧello everyone - looking for support

[tanril]

Hi, I am Tanril. 25 years old daughter living with a high functioning BPD mom, or at least of mom, whose behavioral and emotional patterns fit the description.

Just a few days ago I read Stop walking on eggshells. The emotions that came - wonder that this has a name, relief that there are ways to cope w/o outright running away, mixture of pain, relief ang anger that the verbal and emotional abuse is not normal, that there exist an alternative... .some difficult memories resurfaced and brought hurt, anger, helplessness, understanding, that everyone involved did his best, even though it was not THE best he could have done. I wanted to put the blame on mom or dad, but I couldn't.

Right now I feel quite volatile. There is anger simmering just under the surface, there is sadness, there is pain.

Underneath that all is a horrible feeling of guilt and shame, followed by thoughts like 'you are just overreacting', 'you are a bad daughter for feeling and thinking like this', 'you are savoring your negative feeling and by that making it worse' and so on.

It's maddening. Mainly the fact that I don't know if it is alright to explore these feelings, to let them out in a safe manner, to go through - or if I should just do my duties at home and at university, functional as ever, believing, that the feelings will take care of themselves. I would rather do the first but it is met with the aforementioned thoughts, shame and guilt.

I don't know what to do.

I contacted a T in my university, I hope he will respond soon. I talk about this with my close friend - he somewhat helped, but his 'Tanril, you are scaring me' cut really deep. I talked about it with my BF, but he too lives in a verbaly and emotionally abusive home and is in the 'don't let myself to feel the emotions; maybe I don't have them at all' dissociated state. He held me and let me talk, but didn't validate my feelings or reassured me that my reaction - and myself - is ok.

So I ended up here searching for reassurance, for support in what is going to come. I want to work on myself, to go through with this pain, to reconnect with my emotions be they good or bad and to integrate all that has happened. But it is such a huge thing... .

[Ziggiddy]

hi Tanril

May I congratulate you on writing up your story which took courage and joining us here.

I completely relate to your very articulate description of your situation. I remember feeling exactly the same when I landed here.

Of course your feelings are all a-tumble - you've just experienced quite  a revelation! Because the effects run deep it's quite normal to wonder what is real, what is safe and what to do next. You have taken some important steps by reaching out and also by looking at therapy - it is extremely helpful - if only to validate that what you are experiencing is very real and very disorienting.

BPD is a very difficult condition for people to understand and even more it is quite often the case that no one or very few friends/family members 'get it' I have heard it called The Awakening and for me at least that was very much like what I felt.

I would recommend if you haven't already to read the contents of the Survivor Guide. it is located to the RHS of the screen -------->

It will help ground you into a place where you can start making sense of the situation as well as provide you with information as to what can usually be expected.

Right now I feel quite volatile. There is anger simmering just under the surface, there is sadness, there is pain.

Underneath that all is a horrible feeling of guilt and shame, followed by thoughts like 'you are just overreacting', 'you are a bad daughter for feeling and thinking like this', 'you are savoring your negative feeling and by that making it worse' and so on.

It's maddening. Mainly the fact that I don't know if it is alright to explore these feelings, to let them out in a safe manner, to go through - or if I should just do my duties at home and at university, functional as ever, believing, that the feelings will take care of themselves. I would rather do the first but it is met with the aforementioned thoughts, shame and guilt.

I don't know what to do.

Inevitably it is entirely your own choice what you will do tanril but I will recommend this: just be patient with yourself. take time as much as you can to just sort through what comes up as it comes up. it's ok. All the feelings you are feeling are natural and just and quite common. It may feel disorienting for awhile but it will get better!

In the meantime reading other people's experiences as well as realising others are here to support encourage and assist you will hopefully be of a great service to you.

I would be very interested to see what you discover.Posting here really helps I would encourage you to keep doing that.

best of luck

Ziggiddy

[lauranamaste]

Hi Tanril,

I am new here too.  I realized my mom had BPD about the time I was 30.  On the rare occasions (two times) I felt angry enough or brave enough to suggest she has this and can get help, I was met with attacks, that I am not smart enough to diagnose anyone (I'm currently pursuing a degree in Social Work), etc. 

It is a roller coaster.  It is not your fault.  Our moms are ill.  Unfortunately, part of the illness is denying the illness, and pushing those closest away.  It hurts.  I am glad you are here.