Do you ever regret your behavior that was spawned by stress from you BPDx?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

guy4caligirl We all have them but regrets will get you no where. Keep learning and working on yourself. I often remind myself there are no guarantees in life and despite our fond memories and having a daughter holding on to hope my ex will return is a long shot.  

I think I have a better change of winning the lottery but if the opportunity comes up I will have changed for the better and be more prepared to deal with it.

[BrokenFamily]

guy4caligirl We all have them but regrets will get you no where. Keep learning and working on yourself. I often remind myself there are no guarantees in life and despite our fond memories and having a daughter holding on to hope my ex will return is a long shot.  

I think I have a better change of winning the lottery but if the opportunity comes up I will have changed for the better and be more prepared to deal with it.

[DangIthurts]

guy4caligirl We all have them but regrets will get you no where. Keep learning and working on yourself. I often remind myself there are no guarantees in life and despite our fond memories and having a daughter holding on to hope my ex will return is a long shot.  

I think I have a better change of winning the lottery but if the opportunity comes up I will have changed for the better and be more prepared to deal with it.

Same the indifference I saw each week after everything got unofficial and especially that last encounter proved I don't think she'll ever come back or want to acknowledge me again. Her source of attention is too deep and 3weeks "perfect" guy. She won't be back ever again :/

[BrokenFamily]

I hate to stay this because it could provoke an unhealthy thought pattern but... dont count on anything

Recycling happens

Total no contact for a lifetime happens

And even what I like to call carrot dangling happens, where they tease you but there's still no chance they will ever come back.

The only way you can definitively know is if YOU decide its over forever.

[guy4caligirl]

guy4caligirl We all have them but regrets will get you no where. Keep learning and working on yourself. I often remind myself there are no guarantees in life and despite our fond memories and having a daughter holding on to hope my ex will return is a long shot.  

I think I have a better change of winning the lottery but if the opportunity comes up I will have changed for the better and be more prepared to deal with it.

BROKENFAMILY

I appreciate what you said , I wish happiness upon you and your daughter I have a son now 16 actually flies a single engine plane what an achievement every time I am down I just think of him  . Always remember that your daughter is your whole life you will experience with her growth from the day she was born and forever.

I was doing fine and a whole lot better but today I could not help it , believe me am on the right way NC is it and if she ever call I am ready for her but I am now not sure if I really want her back my mind says no .

Thank you for your support

[BrokenFamily]

I'm in the same boat I want her back so much one day and the next I feel liberated by not being put down and called names anymore.

Mutt told me early on about boundaries, if she decided to come back it would require therapy, if she refuses to go or stopped without improving that would be my boundary.

I don't want her to feel shamed or give her an ultimatum but I need to protect myself and my daughter first and foremost.

I'm not proud of my reactions to her rage at times but I never really lost it with her until she dropped my daughter face down in a car seat at 2am while drunkenly leaping at her cousin. I grabbed the baby and ran up the steps with her to return her to her bed and when my ex tried to stop me I hip checked her almost down a flight of steps.

That was possibly the worst of our fights in 4 years, I can not even allow the possibility of that ever happening again.

[DangIthurts]

I hate to stay this because it could provoke an unhealthy thought pattern but... dont count on anything

Recycling happens

Total no contact for a lifetime happens

And even what I like to call carrot dangling happens, where they tease you but there's still no chance they will ever come back.

The only way you can definitively know is if YOU decide its over forever.

And I'm not there yet. I don't think mine is good enough to do carrot dangling. I think much like she did after our first two days of no contact, where she was engaging caring saying babe etc. after one more day she was unable to maintain that affection for any number of reasons too which I know not. But I don't think mine could keep it up long enough to keep me interested, especially if she waited 4+ months to try it. She might peak my curiosity but if she would make plans and not follow through... .Just like in the relationship. Called out .

[hergestridge]

Years before I knew my exwife had BPD I figured out something was wrong with her and I had to put up with some extraordinary difficult behavior in my relationship.

I struggled with whether to treat her like an "ill" person, silk gloves on, depriving her of all responsibilities (and all dignity for that matter). Or if I should treat her like a grown up, like a peer.

I decided for the latter route. When she pissed me off I raised my voice and told her I'd had enough. I didn't comfort her when I had been too hurt myself even though she was sad and cried.

I decided that I didn't want to (or couldn't for that matter) parent my own wife.

It is those things she never forgave me for. In my weaker moments I did regret these things too. And if you read on the "staying" board I did all the wrong things.

But in hindsight all my reactions were justified.

It is a life pattern I have to regret my own perfectly normal reactions to things, such as other people crashing my boundaries etc.

[CareTaker]

I figured out something was wrong with her and I had to put up with some extraordinary difficult behavior in my relationship.

I struggled with whether to treat her like an "ill" person, silk gloves on, depriving her of all responsibilities (and all dignity for that matter). Or if I should treat her like a grown up, like a peer.

This probably is the biggest problem. You don't know they have a disorder when you get involved. But you do eventually realize something is wrong.

Looking back at the 3 years we where together, I realize that my reaction was as a result of her abusive ways. I have never been treated so badly in any previous relationship.

As a matter of fact I have never given so much in any previous relationship. And got NOTHING in return. So I don't really regret my behaviour. It was a natural reaction to a dysfunctional disorder.

What I do regret, is not getting out after 18 months when I got to know the problem. I thought I could learn about the disorder and overcome it. I never mentioned to her that I know she has a problem, I just tried to accommodate it.

So I regret not taking the advice from others, 18 months ago. I should have run. It took me another 18 months before I ran.

[Deeno02]

I figured out something was wrong with her and I had to put up with some extraordinary difficult behavior in my relationship.

I struggled with whether to treat her like an "ill" person, silk gloves on, depriving her of all responsibilities (and all dignity for that matter). Or if I should treat her like a grown up, like a peer.

This probably is the biggest problem. You don't know they have a disorder when you get involved. But you do eventually realize something is wrong.

Looking back at the 3 years we where together, I realize that my reaction was as a result of her abusive ways. I have never been treated so badly in any previous relationship.

As a matter of fact I have never given so much in any previous relationship. And got NOTHING in return. So I don't really regret my behaviour. It was a natural reaction to a dysfunctional disorder.

What I do regret, is not getting out after 18 months when I got to know the problem. I thought I could learn about the disorder and overcome it. I never mentioned to her that I know she has a problem, I just tried to accommodate it.

So I regret not taking the advice from others, 18 months ago. I should have run. It took me another 18 months before I ran.

Yes, yes, yes... .I knew something was wrong. Couldnt figure out why so I blamed it on her separation/divorce etc. Didnt know anything about BPD until after. She did me the biggest favor my letting me go. Wow! I was prepared and did, give it all and was slowly broken down and shattered by this woman. Im in a better place now and enjoying my time. So, like that Who song, "we wont get fooled again", Ive learned all about this disorder and Ive learned to gut check myself on things now. Not 100% but, damn, it is getting so much better without the flippin chaos and abuse. Second guess myself sometimes but that quickly fades away and eventually that will disappear too! Hang in there folks and will get better!

[Bak86]

I hate to stay this because it could provoke an unhealthy thought pattern but... dont count on anything

Recycling happens

Total no contact for a lifetime happens

And even what I like to call carrot dangling happens, where they tease you but there's still no chance they will ever come back.

The only way you can definitively know is if YOU decide its over forever.

the carrot dangling is what mine does. it can be really annoying.

[DangIthurts]

I hate to stay this because it could provoke an unhealthy thought pattern but... dont count on anything

Recycling happens

Total no contact for a lifetime happens

And even what I like to call carrot dangling happens, where they tease you but there's still no chance they will ever come back.

The only way you can definitively know is if YOU decide its over forever.

the carrot dangling is what mine does. it can be really annoying.

Is she nice for extended amounts of time though? I feel like if she was nice than nasty within a day or two it really couldn't work, or maybe I'm just not letting it slide

[mrshambles]

I always feel like the carrot dangling is an ever present threat. Maybe after 4 1/2 years and more break ups than I can count, I'm used to the carrot dangling technique. The last time before this last split, she promised to go to therapy(she didn't). The thing that is the scariest is this... .The last time we broke up, I started working out again (which i missed soo much), quit using tobacco, etc etc. She ran right back. That's the scary part of it all, esp when you have a child together. Its like they are ATTRACTED to the fact that you don't need them to be happy, get in shape, etc. I know mine dropped everything and just straight up said "Its not fair you are this way NOW. This is who I always wanted." So it can be complicated. You can work on yourself (you should), but sometimes its an instant trigger to them. I guess the REAL struggle is this: What are you going to do when that comes around? How will you react when the promises and sweet talk makes itself present again. Ive pretty much succumb to the fact that it will always be there no matter who she is with. Its a sad thing to have to deal with, but for some of us, its a reality that probably wont go away.

[DangIthurts]

I always feel like the carrot dangling is an ever present threat. Maybe after 4 1/2 years and more break ups than I can count, I'm used to the carrot dangling technique. The last time before this last split, she promised to go to therapy(she didn't). The thing that is the scariest is this... .The last time we broke up, I started working out again (which i missed soo much), quit using tobacco, etc etc. She ran right back. That's the scary part of it all, esp when you have a child together. Its like they are ATTRACTED to the fact that you don't need them to be happy, get in shape, etc. I know mine dropped everything and just straight up said "Its not fair you are this way NOW. This is who I always wanted." So it can be complicated. You can work on yourself (you should), but sometimes its an instant trigger to them. I guess the REAL struggle is this: What are you going to do when that comes around? How will you react when the promises and sweet talk makes itself present again. Ive pretty much succumb to the fact that it will always be there no matter who she is with. Its a sad thing to have to deal with, but for some of us, its a reality that probably wont go away.

These kinds of posts are always intriguing to me because I feel like the members who have had this happen never really go more than a few weeks of no contact... .It just doesn't seem like the exBPD partner ever removes you completely. Where like for a few of us, poof gone, we mean 0.

[michel71]

I still feel really bad about it to this day, but why?

That's *the* question, isn't it?  Could it be because you actually care?  

Could it be time to let yourself off the hook, to accept that you are only human?  I think we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we hold others to, including our BPD exes.  And they play right into it.  They act as though there is a different standard for them, and a different standard for us.  They are allowed to act like selfish children, and we are expected to accommodate -that is, "if" we really love them.  Yet when we are reasonably disturbed or upset by their behavior, even if there was something well-intended in it, we feel like we've done something terrible.  Give yourself a break, man.

I bet you probably feel badly because you don't want to let her go, so you would rather hold on by punishing yourself over things like this.  It's okay to let her go, to even let go of the *good* she did.  What you probably feel underneath it all is something like, "Why did you have to put me in the position to be angry at you even when you were doing something nice?  Why did you have to do that?"

My ex had absolutely no regard for my sleep... .she would leave the lights on in the room, be on your computer, watch television all night, and occasionally she would do nice things.  And on the few times I reacted angrily against it, I was treated like I was the worst person in the world.  But I'm not.

With a BPD person, everything they do (even if it is something nice for us) is on their terms and on their time, and we are treated as though we are always wrong for having something to say about that.  But we aren't.

WOW. Well said.

[workinprogress]

I always feel like the carrot dangling is an ever present threat. Maybe after 4 1/2 years and more break ups than I can count, I'm used to the carrot dangling technique. The last time before this last split, she promised to go to therapy(she didn't). The thing that is the scariest is this... .The last time we broke up, I started working out again (which i missed soo much), quit using tobacco, etc etc. She ran right back. That's the scary part of it all, esp when you have a child together. Its like they are ATTRACTED to the fact that you don't need them to be happy, get in shape, etc. I know mine dropped everything and just straight up said "Its not fair you are this way NOW. This is who I always wanted." So it can be complicated. You can work on yourself (you should), but sometimes its an instant trigger to them. I guess the REAL struggle is this: What are you going to do when that comes around? How will you react when the promises and sweet talk makes itself present again. Ive pretty much succumb to the fact that it will always be there no matter who she is with. Its a sad thing to have to deal with, but for some of us, its a reality that probably wont go away.

Don't buy that line.  You could be a dream person for them and yet none of us are perfect.  You would let them down somehow.  Their needs are too great.

Another angle, I believe that healthy confident people don't want BPD's in their lives.  So, when you become healthy and confident, you don't want them.

It's a double-edged sword for BPD's.

They want what they don't have, and after they get it, they find something wrong with it.

[Deeno02]

I do regret letting her ruin me as a man, however temporary, and making me think this was all my doing... .thats the biggest regret, other than allowing it to continue... .

[DangIthurts]

I do regret letting her ruin me as a man, however temporary, and making me think this was all my doing... .thats the biggest regret, other than allowing it to continue... .

I'm glad I found this site so quick I'd probably still be beating my own a$$ badly.

Have a good thanksgiving bud!

[mrshambles]

Dangithurts: I've noticed this as well. It's very strange. I continually had to battle her over talking to ex's that she dated for little to no time at all. I think it comes down to wherever trauma they experienced as a child. I could be wrong. My exBPD was put up for adoption and had several losses in her life. I think the ones who experience loss of love/no development at all have a real hard time letting go of someone that was in their lives. She sat there last night and told last night how she met the man of dreams, they made out blah blah (we've only been separated this time for 2 weeks so far and have a child together), point is... .I've heard all this crap before. I think that some cling to ones that will be consider "life parters". They abuse them, tell them they are worthless etc. But deep down beneath the false self and pain/chaos, there's a voice that tells them who in there lives are worth keeping around. That's just a guess anyway. I guess it just depends on what you want in life. I'm certainly tired of it. I'm also tired of clock like distorted behavior. It's exhausting for someone to tell you that you are worthless then turn around days/weeks/months later that you are the love of their life.

[mrshambles]

Workin progress: I totally agree.

[vortex of confusion]

Don't buy that line.  You could be a dream person for them and yet none of us are perfect.  You would let them down somehow.  Their needs are too great.

Yep! Exactly. Reminds me of two specific examples. One from when I was a kid. I would bring home a paper with a 99 on it. Instead of getting positive feedback, I would get, "Why wasn't it a 100?" More recently, finances were tight and my pay was cut at one job so I spent some time looking for a job that had to fit a certain schedule along with certain other criteria, which seemed almost impossible. I found the exact job that would accommodate my husband's work schedule and has great pay. Upon hearing about it, the first thing out of my husband's mouth was, "What about my meetings on Tuesday nights?" It wasn't enough. He was going to find the downside and basically tell me that it wasn't enough.

Another angle, I believe that healthy confident people don't want BPD's in their lives.  So, when you become healthy and confident, you don't want them.

It's a double-edged sword for BPD's.

That is so true. The healthier I get, the less I need those people in my life. I have gotten to a point where I can take or leave my family of origin and I really, really want to get away from my husband. It is impossible to be healthy and stay healthy as long as you have them pulling you down. It is a cycle that if you don't get out of, it just continues.

They want what they don't have, and after they get it, they find something wrong with it.

I have seen this with my husband so many times. He will obsess over something until he gets it and then he will get upset over it or find something wrong with it. He wanted us both to see other people so badly so I gave in. I don't know what he thought would happen but he didn't like it because he couldn't find anybody but I could. Part of me felt sorry for him because it made him even lonelier and more abandoned. Another part of my quietly laughed because what he wanted backfired and blew up in his face. I regret doing all of that but is sure did show me how dysfunctional things are between me and my husband.

[BrokenFamily]

I posted a few regrets above and wanted to add my biggest regret.

Immediately after the breakup, I reminded her friends and a few family members of her temper, irrational thinking and several instances of her making up total lies about us all, saying cruel things to us all and pointing out the fact that she is ruining her life my life and our daughters life because she has BPD not because she wasn't happy!

Needless to say this fell on deaf ears and caused my ex to think I was trashing her which made everything worse.

I try not to beat myself up over it but I knew then what I know now, I would have reacted much differently

[Splitblack4good]

add me to the list. i realize now that the proper response to some of what she did and said was a hug, not the (thoroughly reasonable but thoroughly misplaced) impatience that i displayed. she had a right to be unhappy. the work of recovery for me is to suss out why i responded the way i did. frankly i was appalled at myself sometimes.

Sorry to hijack but know that feeling well I got good at throwing things completely out of character!

[Lion Fire]

Once I had reached my limit, I was cold and clinical. The last time I saw her, she wept as I left with my stuff, she was a mess, like a child, and was whispering "why, why, why". It took all of my strength to turn and walk away... .shortly after this day I cut her out completely. Her father had just passed away and she was pleading for me to return. I have never been as tough as this ever with anyone and I hope I never have to. For me it was about survival as I was so bent out of shape Thst I was close to a breakdown. That said, I never said a bad word to her in all of the madness, I kept calm and I think this hurt her more. I regret having to cut another human out so drastically. I know she was devastated. It was sink or swim for me. I'll do my best to avoid ever getting into a situation that will force me to act this way again.

It's a sad memory for me. Bless us all 

[Indyan]

Certainly yes.

I have been a difficult person to be around for the last 6 months,  I have caused pain to my friends and family lashing out in trigger points. I just have a thin threshold and mild slights that normally I'd brush off just really get to me now.

Me too. So much that my parents are not talking to me anymore. I haven't done anything extraordinary, but people are just used to seeing in me the calm and kind person. I'm a lot more agressive now.

[Angelwings2012]

Absolutely!

I have lost my sister, my best friend and a whole load of self respect from dealing with the fallout of the violence and unsettlement. There is only so many times you can 'run' out of the door with your pre-prepared emergency bag before people start to think you are a fake and it's all your own doing... I lost 2 stone, under the doctor for a myriad of horrible physical symptoms, anxiety, panic... I was a total train wreck.

Fortunately my dear old mum has never doubted me and for that I am eternally grateful, without her, I think I would have done something very stupid and very permanent... it is only because my brother died so young, that I owe it to him, and my mum, to stay alive, why make her suffer the loss of another child?

I honestly do not know how I have survived, my job is my world right now and as depressed and isolated as I am, I am safe from the beatings and the rages.

I feel nothing, which is worrying... I am usually angry or upset or something... So I can related to being void of any real emotion, and I cannot imagine ever having a relationship again... I guess I have nothing more to give right now...

[Hope0807]

Great topic.  I struggled with my own behavior long and hard, very long and hard.  I beat myself up pretty bad for words and behaviors I cannot believe were me while I was in with the ex.  For a long time I desperately wanted to rewind, run back and do it all over again.

Today... .In my case only, of course, I fully believe that my instincts were screaming at me to wake the hell up and run!  My uBPDexH symptoms leaned HEAVILY in the psychopath range and there is not an ounce of doubt in that fact today.  I am at peace today knowing that if not for my own anger, disgust, frustration with his rages, unrelenting chaos, and massively mounting lies to bring about the fallout that painted me black…I would be dead.  1 year ago this coming Tuesday, he smashed me in the head with a household item that caved in the corner of my forehead and required 12 stitches and a concussion.  I blamed myself for a long time because I did something that made his rage that night worse.  I apologized for what I did.  When I asked him if he was sorry for cracking me in the head, he turned his face toward me and said, "You have a very bad memory, I threw it into the wall and it hit you.  "I" didn't hit you".  THAT became my truth.  I must have simply gotten it wrong.  I journaled about it a few weeks later and never told a soul until recently.  I remembered him stomping toward me and smashing the item into me.  I remembered it clearly. 

The only behavior I regret is the choices I made to clearly miss the warning signs that a bottom-feeder Baiter was headed in my direction to steal my soul.  I grow more and more disturbed by postings that miss these persons who have systematically inflicted such a wide variety of cruelty in the form of lies, manipulation and self-serving behaviors that directly contradict their overly intense verbal diarrhea love declarations.

[Mutt]

"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."  In Good and Evil, by Friedrich Nietzsche.  

There's a similar quote.

“When you look at the dark side, careful you must be. For the dark side looks back.”- Yoda

I became angry and resentful in the marriage. A person I am not. To myself, I gave into resentful and angry feelings because I was trying to make my voice heard with my ex and her anger triggered me. I felt like I had changed into something that I wasn't proud of, kind of looking at the dark side and becoming an angry person, that anger reflects back. I felt consumed with negative feelings.

I'm indifferent now to her anger and resentfulness. I'm emotionally disconnected and I don't give into my angry impulses. I let go of those impulses and emotions.  We trigger each other less and the cycle of conflict ends. It takes one person to break this conflict. I chose to stop by changing how I react to someone else's feelings by depersonalizing.

I posted this on L2. I have many regrets. The biggest lesson my ex taught me is I needed to listen. For years she said I was controlling.

I went to a P a few months after the break-up and I was struggling. The first session I gave the P the back story on my marriage breaking down. In 10 minutes my P said "Mutt your controlling" My ex had told me that often.

Being a codependent person I kept blaming her. BPD is an incredibly difficult disorder when your dealing with it 24 / 7 and you don't know what to your dealing with.

I kept trying to make my voice heard. My biggest regret is not listening.

Silence is a source of great strength. - Lao Tzu

There are many lessons to be learned if you take the time and work through them. She taught me more lessons in 2 years than I can think of. The gift of the borderline.

[workinprogress]

"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."  In Good and Evil, by Friedrich Nietzsche.  

There's a similar quote.

“When you look at the dark side, careful you must be. For the dark side looks back.”- Yoda

I posted this on L2. I have many regrets. The biggest lesson my ex taught me is I needed to listen. For years she said I was controlling.

I went to a P a few months after the break-up and I was struggling. The first session I gave the P the back story on my marriage breaking down. In 10 minutes my P said "Mutt your controlling" My ex had told me that often.


There are many lessons to be learned if you take the time and work through them. She taught me more lessons in 2 years than I can think of. The gift of the borderline.

Mutt, reflecting on my life, I wish that I had been more controlling.  You see, no matter what approach you use with them, it will be the wrong approach.

The more I am researching about me, the more I realize that I just need to be myself, and if I set clear boundaries, these people will gravitate OUT of my life, or I will not allow them into my life to start with.  Sorry for the run on sentence.

BPD's have the maturity level of children.  For them to successfully make it through life they need a parental figure that they can respect to keep them from destroying their life.  The thing is, they will never accept a figure like that in their life, so you are doomed to failure with them.

Our job is to be ourselves.

[Mutt]

"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."  In Good and Evil, by Friedrich Nietzsche.  

There's a similar quote.

“When you look at the dark side, careful you must be. For the dark side looks back.”- Yoda

I posted this on L2. I have many regrets. The biggest lesson my ex taught me is I needed to listen. For years she said I was controlling.

I went to a P a few months after the break-up and I was struggling. The first session I gave the P the back story on my marriage breaking down. In 10 minutes my P said "Mutt your controlling" My ex had told me that often.


There are many lessons to be learned if you take the time and work through them. She taught me more lessons in 2 years than I can think of. The gift of the borderline.

Mutt, reflecting on my life, I wish that I had been more controlling.  You see, no matter what approach you use with them, it will be the wrong approach.

The more I am researching about me, the more I realize that I just need to be myself, and if I set clear boundaries, these people will gravitate OUT of my life, or I will not allow them into my life to start with.  Sorry for the run on sentence.

BPD's have the maturity level of children.  For them to successfully make it through life they need a parental figure that they can respect to keep them from destroying their life.  The thing is, they will never accept a figure like that in their life, so you are doomed to failure with them.

Our job is to be ourselves.

We only have control of ourselves. Spot on.