Not sure about anything but glad to be here.

[domino99]

Hello,

Six years ago, after my dad died, my mom was acting crazy or I should say crazier than ever. She was so angry and enraged all the time. My dad had a long illness so I was surprised that his death came as a shock to her; he suffered a lot, especially at the end.  I thought that is why she was so bitter and offensive.  Every time we were together, we fought. It always started with her telling me a lie about how someone behaved toward her. When I told her that she was wrong or not truthful, she raged against me.  She loved to rage on about my sister-in-law or my own mother-in-law. If I ever stuck up for them, she would scream, like foam at the mouth screaming. It was a horror show.  I would leave her crying and shaking.  After about a year and a half of this crazy relationship, I started researching narcissism and read several books about it.  I think she is a narcissist in that she has no remorse for the lies or manipulation that creates.  I contacted a therapist for her once (by email) and told her that my mother was a narcissist and she needed help.  The therapist wrote me back and said that I should be the one to see her. Well, I never did.  It got me to thinking that maybe I was the one that caused my mother to react this way with me.  She seemed to love everyone else (except my sister-in-law, whom she hated I think even more than me.) My brothers, my husband and her friends were all ever important.  It was just the way life had become after dad died.  ALmost 2 years after my dad died, I decided that I could not longer take it.  I would visit her every day after work to make sure she had food and ate and was okay.  Every day there was an all out screaming match between us. I just felt that if I did not check on her, she would hurt herself or get sick. (She is still my mother.)  But one day, I left her home shaking and crying (it was Valentine's Day actually) that when I got home I shut myself in my room.  My two sons (12 and 8 at the time) waited at my door for me to come out so they could give me their present.  When I came out, they were so happy and eager to give me their gift, that I felt terrible for shutting them out and being so sad. It was then that I resolved to not let her steal my life away from my kids.  I felt like I was acting like her: crying, histrionics, victimized, etc.  I did not speak to her for a few weeks.  She called and asked if I would run an errand with her, so I agreed. We actually had a  lovely time. On the ride home though, she started crying again and raging. She said that I treat others better than her. I do things for others but I never so anything for her. I treat her like a broom behind the door. She brought up my mother-in-law, my friends, her friends, all of whom I treat like royalty, but she gets treated like sh&t. Well, I did not 'engage" as instructed by my husband I dropped her off at her house. She ran in screaming and crying as if I assaulted her in the car. (For the benefit of the neighbors, I am sure). I left. But then I turned around because I was afraid she would hurt herself because she was in such a bad way.  When I got to her house, she let me in.  I tried to talk to her but she was insane. Finally, I said: "You are the parent here, not me. If you need anything, I will do what I can. When you are too old to be alone, I'll put you in a nursing home and visit when I can. But I can't give up my life for you if you are going to treat me like this."  Then she cried to me that she was afraid of being put in a nursing home because she was alone. I told her that I would never do that to her if she did not want that, but I would not let her behave like a maniac in my home, especially in front of my children.  After that episode: things were miraculously idyllic.  For 5 years, I was her pet.  Everyone else were the objects of her raging and victimizations.  I learned to never disagree with her.  I was sure to agree with her when she made proclamations of how good a friend, mother, sister, neighbor, in-law and wife she is/was.  No one was ever good to her. Except some obscure stranger that helped her years ago or the other day at the grocery store. AND my brother who handles her finances rather successfully for her. My mother loves her money and anyone that has a part in making more for her.  My other brother has fallen from her graces since she has lent him a substantial portion of her estate which he told my other brother he does not think he will ever be able to pay back. Maybe the stress from this news has triggered the mania in her, but she is slipping back into that personality where nothing makes sense unless she is the devil or a monster.  She came into my office and raged again, demeaning me in front of my employees. She ran out to her car. I went out to see if she could be appeased, but she went on raging for an hour at how she is so good to people but they are terrible to her. I told her to get a parttime job and meet new friends, but she said "NO!" I told her to go volunteer at a church or hospital, and she told me I was crazy because they only wanted her money.  I told her that I give up. I told her that she embarrassed me in my office and she said she doesn't give a sh&t. I knew not to "engage". I left her car. I had my secretary call her back in to the office and she ran into an old friend there. She was as sweet as can be and loving and friendly, as if the past hour of yelling, screaming, crying and pounding on the steering wheel never happened. She never apologized to me nor thanked me or offered to pay for the service that day (not that I would ever charge her).  That was almost a week ago. And I find myself right where I was 5 years ago. Although I know more now thanks to boards like this and reading about the narcissist personality as well.  Like I said, I know more but I am still under her control.  She came to my office yesterday and I noticed that her eye was very bloodshot. Of course I got very concerned and called her eye doctor and made an emergency appointment for her this morning.  Today is my day off and I have a lot to do at home. So I made the courageous decision to call her and tell her that I could not go with her to the eye doctor.  I actually picked myself over her. It feels scary and I am really guilty. I know I'll pay for it later somehow. SHe will tell my brothers how I made her go alone or something like that. She will make me look bad and meaningless and stupid and mean.  My husband is proud of me. I guess this is why I looked for this message board to get feedback from others like me.  Anyone else defy their BPD/narcissist parent ?

[Kwamina]

Welcome to our online community domino99

Having your own mother rage at you like your mother does, isn't an easy thing to handle at all. I do see from your post that you try to not let her provoke you or spoil your mood but that's still quite challenging when she acts out so extremely. Your mother seems to have a big problem with respecting your boundaries. Her walking into your office and raging was a very disturbing thing to do, bad enough when you have to deal with these outbursts in your private life but now she also brought this behavior to your work. Has your mother ever done anything like before, showing up at your work like this?

I can relate to the guilt you're feeling after putting yourself first instead of your mother. It might help for you to take a look at an article we have on here about fear obligation & guilt (F.O.G.):

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

You conclude your post by asking if anyone else has defied their BPD/narcissist parent. I have and I can relate to the fear you express. That's probably the result of being raised by a unstable mother who instilled this fear in you from a young age. Fortunately you're an adult now and though it might not always feel that way inside, your mother doesn't nearly have the power over you that she had when you were still a kid. Knowing this on a rational level is one thing of course, but also getting there on an emotional level is often far more difficult.

Standing up to my own uBPD relatives still doesn't always feel pleasant to me but it's absolutely necessary. The fear, obligation and guilt have less of a hold on me now but that doesn't change the fact that the way they can react to things is very unpleasant and definitely not something to look forward to. However, when dealing with someone who has BPD/NPD, having firm boundaries and being willing to defend them is crucial to protect and preserve your own emotional and mental well-being. Do you feel comfortable setting boundaries with your mother and defending them when needed?

[domino99]

Thank you Kwamina for your kind words and encouragement.  Since I posted last, my mom has traveled north to my brother (the one she lent money to with the wife she hates).  I cringe to think what she has planned for them. Before she left, she came bearing gifts of cash (of course). I think this is her way of saying sorry until at the end of her visit she gives me her instructions of watching her house, watering her plants and getting her mail.  Especially to be on the lookout for any dividend checks because her neighbors might find them. I never learn.  I really thought she was genuinely sorry for her behavior in my office. 

Just before the incident at my work, we had gone to have mammograms together. My mother has a pacemaker.  Well, she made a scene at the MRI place because she insisted on an ultrasound because she was afraid they would hurt the pacemaker. (As if she is the only woman on the planet that gets mammograms with a pacemaker). After an hour of my calling the doctor and getting a prescription and almost forfeiting my own appointment to appease her, she got her way.  SHe went to get an unltrsound to  another facility (not caring that she wasted the appointment schedule of the place that tried so hard to accommodate her wishes). Well, while she was away, she received a letter that the ultrasound does not give enough information and that her doctor needs and mammo. When I called to suggest that she have it done up north while she was there, she yelled at me for a half hour: "They only want my money" "I will not let them ruin my holidays" "You should call them and tell them that I went through this before and I'm not going through it again" blah blah blah. Why was she so mad at me? (Perhaps because she had an audience of my sister-in-law and my niece) I saw her rage coming to a full head so I just said that I had to go.  SHe stopped me and asked if I went to her house. I said yes, I got her mail and paid a $50 bill. Bingo! She raged that she did not owe that

money and that I was so stupid and unreliable.  Still feels like a knife to the heart when she insinuates that I am irresponsible. (I am 53, have a doctorate degree, three children, a successful marriage of 24 years and she can cut me down to nothing).  But I guess that would be my fault. 

She called me the next day to tell me that her ear was bleeding. She takes a medication that thins her blood so she checks it weekly.  I told her to check her blood even though it was perfect a few days ago.  SHe said she did not want to check it because she only had one strip left for her machine. I told to go to a walk-in clinic, like Emergi-Med that we have here at home. OR go to a pharmacy and purchase more strips. She said that her ear stopped bleeding and she would be fine. An hour later, I got a call from my brother that she was at the ER because I told her to tell them to rush her there because her ear was bleeding. WTH? THey spent 3 hours at the hospital and could not find a thing wrong with her. She claimed she scratched her ear but the doctor could find no contusions. Of course her blood was perfect. This was a total machination of getting attention for herself while passing all of the blame to me. I told my brother that I never told her to go the ER, defending myself like I was a kid. Meanwhile, he spent the better part of his day off sitting with her at the hospital Mission accomplished.

Well, I have done it again and have opened the flood gates. Thank you for listening. Please know how sincere my thanks are. It is so nice to get this off my chest. Sometimes I worry that Imay embellish some parts or I am spinning the story to make myself look good. I get confused as to whether I am the one with BPD or am I just trained to believe this because she transfers what she knows is wrong in herself to criticism toward me.  Do you ever feel that way?

[Kwamina]

Hi again

Well, I have done it again and have opened the flood gates. Thank you for listening. Please know how sincere my thanks are. It is so nice to get this off my chest. Sometimes I worry that Imay embellish some parts or I am spinning the story to make myself look good. I get confused as to whether I am the one with BPD or am I just trained to believe this because she transfers what she knows is wrong in herself to criticism toward me.  :)o you ever feel that way?

We have all been there domino99, telling ourselves that we will never let anything like this happen to us again, only to find ourselves back in the same kind of situations. Don't be too hard on yourself though, you wanted to believe that she was being sincere and I believe that's only normal for a child, even when you're an adult child. Many adult children of BPD parents still find themselves longing and hoping for the loving parent they never or rarely had. Do you feel like this is also true for you and that you still cling to the hope that your mother might one day change? Letting go of the fantasy parent is very difficult and can be viewed as a mourning process in which you must come to terms with the reality of who your mother really is. Do you feel like you have accepted the fact that your mother has BPD and that she probably won't ever be the mother you always longed for?

Unfortunately people with BPD are often quite adept at the 'art' of manipulation. Especially when you are raised by a BPD parent, they can make you doubt everything about yourself since you never were in a 'healthy' environment and the BPD environment was all you knew. So to answer your question, yes I definitely have felt that way many times! Reading the stories of other members hear can greatly help you as it validates your experiences and shows you that there was nothing wrong you but that there was something wrong with your mother's behavior.

[chronsweet]

"It was then that I resolved to not let her steal my life away from my kids.  I felt like I was acting like her: crying, histrionics, victimized, etc."

I think this is the MOST IMPORTANT part of your post.  I have been going through feelings of remorse and guilt over the relationship I have with my own mom (again) the past few days.  But I have made it a point to self-reflect on how continuing an abusive relationship with her is going to affect my own relationship with my almost-5 year old.  My relationship with her has also shaped my relationships with other men in my life.  My ex-husband, my ex-boyfriend, and people I have dated.  I tend to get very guarded with people, even with my own child.  Of course, with my son it isn't as drastic as letting a romantic interest in, but it still shapes how I parent. In order to be a healthy parent, I need unhealthy people out of my life.  Our kids need us.  Period. 

I think that when the focus is kept in a place that causes so much pain, that it is impossible to focus on the best life has to offer.  When things are going good, it is fine.  As you mentioned, there was a 5 year period where things were good.  I think finding balance and recognizing the 'episodes' and taking oneself out of that equation is a healthy way to live.  As adults we are able to make our own choices.  Our parent do not own us.  It is healthy and okay to set boundaries.  It is okay to go no-contact for the amount of time you choose.  I personally want to be happy and healthy for my son.  I never want him to experience an episodic rage.  I don't know that I have that in me, but I try very hard to be something much different than my mom.  I think that's the best gift we can pass on to our own children, is to break the cycle of abuse.