Hi Clarity
Good to hear that reading the Boards is giving you back some sanity. You might find some other great info on the Board about still being in relationship with a BPD partner. Aspects of what you shared remind me of my former marriage to a uBPD man, so I wanted to give you some support.
You wrote... .
| My wife seems to be losing it. She goes from the sweetest most affectionate person to an ice cold closed up mean person in a heartbeat and generally because she twisted something I have said around as a personal insult. |
It sounds like you wife has mood dysregulation. This is not uncommon w BPD. Whether or not it's BPD is in a way irrelevant. Mood dysregulation of this degree is very hard to live with. As is the constant threat of being left, divorced or taken to court. You write about sharing your feelings, your wife seemingly "getting" how you feel and then turning on your again. As you say... .it's scary and baffling. Unfortunately as non's we often fall into the trap of thinking that if we can just get over our feelings clearly, our partner/other person will understand and change their behaviour. With a well person this would be the case, but with mental illness like BPD it gives them more ammunition. You see, at their core the pwBPD is terrified, beyond what you and I can ever imagine, but they can't feel that, so they have to project it out & are prone to create terror in their partners. You can't resolve their terror. Nor other aspects of their illness. That's important to be clear about.
And yes, the BPD will hear most if not all things as being attacking, or criticising.
If you stay in this you may lose your mind. Because living with BPD/mental illness has the capacity wears you down to an unrecognisable version of your former self. I highly encourage you to keep reading, share your observations on these Boards (don't share with your wife, tempting as that may be). And get some support beyond the Boards. A good therapist is invaluable. Atart to develop a plan for your future.
If it helps to hear this, I was in a very difficult, confusing, frightening and abusive marriage for 6 years. It took me until close to the end of the marriage to realise my exh was BPD. I could relate to the divorce stuff in your post because one of my ex's "peak" moments was sitting down with me to tell me how he was going to demonstrate his undying love and commitment to me (after one of numerous "break ups" and he started the conversation by saying he'd first like to me to agree and sign a divorce plan... .what the heck? Extracating myself and my daughter incredibly difficult and it took time (and very strong boundary setting/lc) but I did it and we now live safely and happily together, he has moved on (as far as I know to another relationship) and is no longer in contact. Part of my recovery has been to recognise that BPD is in my foo and that's what led me to walk blindly into a BPD marriage. Therapy can help you to identify what in your history is a contributing factor to this present situation.
I wish you lots of SUPPORT, healing and a much brighter future
