Do I call the Health Department on BPD mom?

[dotterof1]

My dBPD mom has been living alone for 4 years since her last relationship failed. She has since claimed she can't afford the most basic items. I say "claimed" because she makes more than I do and I support a family of 4. I'm not sure where her money is going.

Anyway, her home has become a wreck over the past 4 years as her ex was the one who took care of everything. From the outside, it looks abandoned. On the inside, it smells of mold/ mildew and she now has a rodent problem. My s/o has been over there to help set up traps in the past. She called an exterminator, but they couldn't do anything b/c she has rotted wood and the rodents will keep getting in the house as a result. A few weeks have gone by and my mom needed s/o to set up more traps. He went over and was shocked that there were rat feces everywhere! I have been trying to get my mom to walk away from the house- foreclose on it and just rent elsewhere. She won't; renting is apparently beneath her.

A few moments ago, I spoke with her and asked if I could help her with her finances and she shot me down. I'm so stressed. I don't know what to do. If she becomes "homeless" I can't take her in for the mental welfare of my own family. Meanwhile, I don't know where she will go or what she will do.

Please, any advice would be helpful.

[clljhns]

Hi dotterof1,

This is terrible situation for your mom and I now how worried you are for her. I don't know where you live, but in the US we have a Adult Welfare department that could do a welfare check on mom if you make the referral. You would just need to call the Department of Health and Human Services. If they deem her living conditions unhealthy or dangerous, then the necessary steps will be taken to place her in a better living situation. I understand that you are not able to take her in, but know that there are many other options available, other than mom moving in with you.

If she is financially solvent, then perhaps she could move out of the home temporarily until repairs could be made and then she could move back in.

Your story sounds so familiar to my parents. They live in a 5,000 sq ft home that we helped them build. It was never completed (fireplace not completed, brick on exterior not completed, addition to home is incomplete and open to the elements). Yet they live in this home and now the entire back of the second story is wrapped in plastic. Not sure what that is about since I haven't had contact with them in years. I think it is indicative of what their minds must look like, decaying. They really have no common sense when it comes to everyday situations. They make the most irrational decisions which usually result in financial loss.

I don't know if the advice helped, but I certainly understand your anxiety and frustration.

Peace and blessings. 

[Turkish]

It's maddening to deal with those who hoard and or neglect their homes. When their caretakers or enablers leave, they let everything go to ruin. I do agree that there is probably something to the condition of their homes being a reflection of their minds.

Short of stepping in to take control, there is little we can do, other than to let the decay set in. This is how they live. I also do not want my mom living with me, as I would then have to care-take her living in my home. If you get the government involved, you may very well have to deal with more than you want to.

I also get the money thing. My mom used to complain about living in her "meager" social security, which was a direct consequence of she choosing to retire early. When she used to say that, I ran the numbers in my head and after my rent, we lived on about the same amount. Her property is paid off, so she doesn't have a mortgage. I also had a car payment which she didn't have. People who are unable to manage their homes, are not likely to manage money either, or to have an objective view of it as a tool, rather than a burden.

[zxmct98]

I'm in a similar situation - every time I visit my mom most of the visit is spent with me cleaning and us de-junking stuff. My mom literally does not clean. She runs the dishwasher and does laundry, but aside from that she doesn't do ANYTHING at all to clean anything. So her house is disgusting - cobwebs/dust/dirt/general nastiness and she buys random stuff all the time, or she'll buy several copies of some bargain bin DVD or just random junk and she brings the bags in and sets them down somewhere and that's it.

In the kitchen the stove/cooktop has been broken since 2007 and she has yet to get it replaced. The fridge is about to go out and she says she will get a new one "on her time" - okay... .She has a meltdown if I take her shopping to look at appliances.

My mother could easily afford to have all of this replaced, as well as someone come in and clean, but she gets defensive that they will judge her. She won't change her compulsive junk-buying habits so her house is always junked up.

There is nothing I can do. I am an only child and I live ~9 hours away from her now, because it basically took physical distance for me to separate myself from her. So it's just me - my dad died about 8 years ago and my mom has never dated or anything else. It's hard to disengage because I feel like I am abandoning her, but there is nothing I can do and I don't think welfare services would really do anything in my mom's case.

I think you just have to try to let go and disengage. Stop beating the dead horse.

If she is like my mom, she likes that you are so worried about her. I came to this conclusion in therapy. This might be how she keeps you close to her. I spent a couple of months in therapy talking about my mom and her house, and finally my therapist was like "and what about YOU? what is going on in your life?" - I had to step back and remember that I am in therapy for ME and I have no power over my mother, I have no control over her and I can't do anything to make her change.

It is so hard to accept, and it takes some time and effort to accept it. I still haven't really accepted it but I am trying... .