Anyone knows how to gets us out of the trauma bound that keeps breaking NC ?

[guy4caligirl]

I was reading about this "Trauma bound" today and it looks like all of us here has an experience it at  some level or still does , if we understand it more and get it behind us ,it should make NC more simple .

Any thoughts on that ?

Can someone elaborate  ?

[Mutt]

Guy,

I notice in your title trauma bonds are the catalyst for breaking NC. Are you struggling with NC?

[fromheeltoheal]

A trauma bond results from being emotionally enmeshed with a mental illness, and bringing our own sht to the table, so the dysfunction feeds off itself and amplifies.  The thing that helped me the most was to make a list of all of the unacceptable crap she pulled, which grew as he fog cleared and I became more objective, and then read it over and over when I was 'missing' her or wishing she'd call or whatever.

After a while I developed a healthy dose of hatred for her and it's totally appropriate to tell your abuser to fck off, and the more time that passed the more obvious and transparent her disorder became, and the more happy I was that I'd removed her from my life.

What do you really want and need?  Will you ever get it from her?  Act accordingly.

[guy4caligirl]

Guy,

I notice in your title trauma bonds are the catalyst for breaking NC. Are you struggling with NC?

A little MUTT ,but I haven't contacted her in 4 days after LC for 5 moths  , wow    but I 'm trying my best not to , I don't think it taking me anywhere , I hope that she does, but am not going to answer back, I will be lying if it's not that my purpose and at the same time stay away .

What do you think ?

[guy4caligirl]

A trauma bond results from being emotionally enmeshed with a mental illness, and bringing our own sht to the table, so the dysfunction feeds off itself and amplifies.  The thing that helped me the most was to make a list of all of the unacceptable crap she pulled, which grew as he fog cleared and I became more objective, and then read it over and over when I was 'missing' her or wishing she'd call or whatever.

After a while I developed a healthy dose of hatred for her and it's totally appropriate to tell your abuser to fck off, and the more time that passed the more obvious and transparent her disorder became, and the more happy I was that I'd removed her from my life.

What do you really want and need?  Will you ever get it from her?  Act accordingly.



The reason I got on NC finally because I got to the point where no more walking on eggs with her or bargaining I said enough is enough and told her what I think , I feel that now the anger is there and I see your point of view about the  view get treatments or stay like you are unhappy .

I feel anger is a stage to detach enough sht !

[guy4caligirl]

To fall and wake up and get treatment . I don't wish her bad but Karma will take its toll

[Mutt]

Guy,

I notice in your title trauma bonds are the catalyst for breaking NC. Are you struggling with NC?

A little MUTT ,but I haven't contacted her in 4 days after LC for 5 moths  , wow    but I 'm trying my best not to , I don't think it taking me anywhere , I hope that she does, but am not going to answer back, I will be lying if it's not that my purpose and at the same time stay away .

What do you think ?

I see it as a learning curve. What I mean is sometimes, myself included we can be hard on ourselves. I don't see no contact as an absolute. Take it day by day as it can look quite daunting as something that's rigid and you MUST adhere too.

I look at it threefold.

It's a tool to detach ( a radical one at that) and when I say detach, I mean to emotionally detach from the person's behaviors.

Secondly, I look at it as separating from a person to heal our wounds.

Lastly, I see it as time that you use to work on your triggers. As an example from my personal experience my ex would attempt to get an emotional reaction. Sometimes she succeeded and sometimes not.

If I gave an emotional reaction to a negative behavior I would try to identify what I was reacting to and why. Then I would unlearn my trigger my behavior and reaction. I made it a personal goal to de-personalize her behaviors and the bonus was I became indifferent to peoples negative behaviors and I didn't take things personal. My stress levels decreased and I emotionally detached from her actions / words / behaviors.

It helped me with not taking her personal and allowed me to carry on in life in a more emotionally healthy way. So if she says something now that would have been triggering a few years ago and it perpetuated conflict and both parties suffered, I can simply carry on with my day.

I feel 90% less stress, I'm happier and I'm not feeling bad and I'm not carrying someone else's actions and feelings ( i.e. exe's projected feelings, guilt )

It's a learning curve. Early in the process I had a tendency to be hard on myself and adhere to a strict rule if i broke no contact. It felt like going cold turkey and boy it was tough. Fall down 7 times and get up 8. It increasingly became easier and smoother as I grieved, time passed and I worked on "triggers".

That said, it's something I can step out of ( low contact ) because I'm seperated from this person ( enmeshed ) and emotionally detached.

I think the goal is to separate yourself from a person that causes much pain with their maladaptive coping in skills and a buffer towards the person's toxicity and actions. Some members have ex partners that can cause potential personal harm, professional or whatever the case may be.

As mentioned earlier, I'm also indifferent to the more difficult personalities ( i.e passive- aggressive traits ) of non-disordered people that was a plus from a difficult personality disorder. PA people weren't fun and I know how to react ( or not react ) now.

My personal situation is a person carries emotional baggage that may or may not get triggered by me. I don't think she'd go as far as falsely accusing me of something now and her emotional attachment is still there. I hope that helps.

[Blimblam]

Guy

Truama bonds are complex and pervasive.  They can potentially create addictive and ptsd like symptoms in the survivors of the truama.  Ruminations have been a substantial part of detaching and healing for myself.  I have found venting to be really helpfull.  Learning about the grieving process, from the book the journey abandonment to healing I found to be helpfull in identifying the stages of grieving in where I am at. The book betrayal bonds helped me to better understand what trauma bonds are and how they work. Beyond that for myself it has been exploring what happened and how. 

I have found taking the Meyers Briggs personality test to identify my type to be useful.  The type is at the core really all about the functions.  Myself being an INFP have introverted feeling as my main function and extraverted intuition as my auxiliary function so for myself using my extraverted intuition to gather information from the external world to link to what I feel has been crucial.  Somone with their functions stacked differently may better process their pain by running and exercise.  The point being is how you work through your truama best will be personal and individualistic, though there are common stages and patterns involved. 

A good therapist could be invaluable in a time like this. 

Really or me digging deep into the psychology has been a tremendous help.  The book that I found most useful to understand the disorder has been the search for the real self by masterson.  That book helped me to understand the schema modes, there is a link to an article about schema modes in the learning section. The article the three faces of victim about he karpman drama triangle has been crucial.  From there really learning about the deeper aspects of transference and countertramsference and projection and projective identification, and I'm talking more than Wikipedia articles.  Learning different theories of psychoanalysis really has helped me to be able to understand how to really use the karpman drama triangle and the schema modes.  Of significant importance I would place on learning deeper about counter transference and projective identification, from Freud and Jung to Melanie klien and winnicot. Thomas Ogden has wrote some good books making klien and winnicots theories accessible.

[Pingo]

I'd have to agree with Blim about the books he mentioned.  Reading and understanding the grief cycle in 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' was really helpful and using the exercises helped me move forward in my healing.  Also, understanding how the trauma bond forms in the first place really helped me become way more objective about the pain I was in.  The more objective I can be the more compassion I feel towards myself.  'The Betrayal Bond' is an excellent book.  Each book I read brings me a little more peace and healing.  Working with my T has been so helpful as well, cannot imagine going through this year without her help.

[Mutt]

It begs me to question.

How do we let go of this trauma bond?

[Pingo]

It begs me to question.

How do we let go of this trauma bond?

For me, time.  And NC.  Both of which help with the detachment.  If it's an addiction then we need to not only stay away from that which we are addicted to but also change our routines and such so that we lose the habit of that person as well. Also, talking about it.  I had kept so much secret about what I was going through.  When I started telling my close friends what I had experienced I had to stop falling back into the fantasy, the truth had been told.  No more denial.  (Is this why at AA meetings people admit they are alcoholics?). 

[guy4caligirl]

Mutt

The patient , the ex has left the emergency room very capable of surviving !

We are still sitting in the waiting room  ,how long can we stay still ?

It's time to pick our sorry ass and leave the hospital and survive too !

Do i see reality ? Of curse i do ,do they ? Nope .

Life keeps on going with them or without them the sun keep on shining the weather gets better , the bills has to be paid ,and we certainly will survive too !

[CVA]

She is not from The mTS of NC is she or Saremento area of Cali... What would be the chances...  

[Mutt]

It begs me to question.

How do we let go of this trauma bond?

For me, time.  And NC.  Both of which help with the detachment.  If it's an addiction then we need to not only stay away from that which we are addicted to but also change our routines and such so that we lose the habit of that person as well. Also, talking about it.  I had kept so much secret about what I was going through.  When I started telling my close friends what I had experienced I had to stop falling back into the fantasy, the truth had been told.  No more denial.  (Is this why at AA meetings people admit they are alcoholics?).  

I think your right. It's hard to admit when we have a problem. It's a hard pill to swallow.

First you own it.

Talking about it with others help. My friends and family mean well and they don't understand how hard living life with a person with a mental illness is.

Another example is I could talk to people about divorce. Unless you've gone through it I don't think you can comprehend fully.

Talking with people that have gone through it helps and talking to a T or P.

Mutt

The patient , the ex has left the emergency room very capable of surviving !

We are still sitting in the waiting room  ,how long can we stay still ?

It's time to pick our sorry ass and leave the hospital and survive too !

Do i see reality ? Of curse i do ,do they ? Nope .

Life keeps on going with them or without them the sun keep on shining the weather gets better , the bills has to be paid ,and we certainly will survive too !

The ex has many defense mechanisms that operate differently and abnormally. Your ex copes differently. What seems like picking up and moving  is something entirely different underneath. She puts her pain and feelings on others for a reason. We may miss this queue because we're in pain.

More than meets the eye.

It takes longer for you to cope and that's fine. Often ( myself included ) we try to fix things quickly to move on quickly.

I think you have to go through the pain and not around it. Everything comes on it's own term we can't force it.

I'm a caretaker and I used to try to fix other peoples problems and forgo taking care of myself in  the process.

I think Pingo makes a good point.

Time.

I'd like to add treat yourself as you would treat others.

Be patient, kind and take care of you.

Don't be hard on you. Let the wounds heal.

If there's one thing I learned.

"Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour." -Ovid

[Moselle]

I think we all come to our "moments of truth" in different ways and at different times. The delusion keeps us from it. But once we know, we know. Truth can not be unlearned. Once we know what BPD is, we process it differently.  :)enial, bargaining, acceptance, anger, depression show we've startedn on a journey to health. The trauma bond is an obstacle on that journey to health,  and in my opinion the BPD knows it. They use it to create addiction,  create dependence

[Pingo]

I think Pingo makes a good point.

Time.

I'd like to add treat yourself as you would treat others.

Be patient, kind and take care of you.

Don't be hard on you. Let the wounds heal.

If there's one thing I learned.

"Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour." -Ovid

Yes, and believe me I would love to rush through this whole process as it SUCKS!  But as my T tells me, you cannot fast track healing.

[TheCrow]

A trauma bond results from being emotionally enmeshed with a mental illness, and bringing our own sht to the table, so the dysfunction feeds off itself and amplifies.  The thing that helped me the most was to make a list of all of the unacceptable crap she pulled, which grew as he fog cleared and I became more objective, and then read it over and over when I was 'missing' her or wishing she'd call or whatever.

After a while I developed a healthy dose of hatred for her and it's totally appropriate to tell your abuser to fck off, and the more time that passed the more obvious and transparent her disorder became, and the more happy I was that I'd removed her from my life.

What do you really want and need?  Will you ever get it from her?  Act accordingly.

I like the "healthy dose of hatred" part. I know for my part that I always want to see the best in people and hope that they be so much more for others and themselves but may be  hatred is better for self preservation sometimes.

Some important questions to ask ourselves you raised there.

[guy4caligirl]

The crow

She had enough disrespect for your person and emotionally abused you , I agree with a healthy dose of hatred and tell her that tell it like it is show her she is not going to fool you again they are just a bucket full of ammonia .

[fromheeltoheal]

A trauma bond results from being emotionally enmeshed with a mental illness, and bringing our own sht to the table, so the dysfunction feeds off itself and amplifies.  The thing that helped me the most was to make a list of all of the unacceptable crap she pulled, which grew as he fog cleared and I became more objective, and then read it over and over when I was 'missing' her or wishing she'd call or whatever.

After a while I developed a healthy dose of hatred for her and it's totally appropriate to tell your abuser to fck off, and the more time that passed the more obvious and transparent her disorder became, and the more happy I was that I'd removed her from my life.

What do you really want and need?  Will you ever get it from her?  Act accordingly.

I like the "healthy dose of hatred" part. I know for my part that I always want to see the best in people and hope that they be so much more for others and themselves but may be  hatred is better for self preservation sometimes.

Some important questions to ask ourselves you raised there.

To clarify, 'hating' your ex is a pretty effective tool for detaching, and fits well with the anger we feel, which is an appropriate response to abuse.  And that is a phase that passes.  I have compassion for my ex today, she walks a very tough road, but it took going through all of the stages of grieving to fully detach and see it that way.

[Blimblam]

I think how one does it is going to be different for everyone.  During the anger phase it's like we go through the process of taking the negative feelings and giving them back to the object our ex and split from them.  This creates a space that we can reatach to other objects whether they be activities or actual objects or groups or whatever to regain a sense of seperate identity.  There comes a point though which one needs reexamine the discarded negative emotions to reintegrate that energy and forgive those parts of ourself that have remained within our psyche.

[harbour]

 

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Bonding is in part why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship the longer it continues. Bonding makes it hard to enforce boundaries, because it is much harder to keep away from people to whom we have bonded. In leaving a long relationship, it is not always useful to judge the correctness of the decision by how hard it is, because it will always be hard.

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way... Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

Strangely, growing up in an unsafe home makes later unsafe situations have more holding power. This has a biological basis beyond any cognitive learning. It is trauma in one's history that makes for trauma bonding. Because trauma (and developmental trauma or early relational trauma is epidemic) cause numbing around many aspects of intimacy, traumatized people often respond positively to a dangerous person or situation because it makes them feel. It is neither rational nor irrational. If survivors can come to see that part of the attraction is, while very unwanted, a natural process, they may be able to understand those feelings and manage the situation more intentionally.

An excellent book on the effects of trauma (and repair) is The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD

Intense relationships also tend to hijack all of a survivor's relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

“You have nothing to lose but your chains. You have a world to win.” (Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels)