7wks since seeing him, about 4-5 nc..been doing ok, suddenly shattered

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So yeah... .been doing really well and suddenly hit by a wall of feeling shattered. Feeling really really upset by it. Don't really have much to say except that it came out of the blue and now I'm feeling a need to post on here as a lifeline over it. Been doing all the right things but suddenly just feeling gut-wrenchingly sad about him. It will pass.

[Accepting]

So yeah... .been doing really well and suddenly hit by a wall of feeling shattered. Feeling really really upset by it. Don't really have much to say except that it came out of the blue and now I'm feeling a need to post on here as a lifeline over it. Been doing all the right things but suddenly just feeling gut-wrenchingly sad about him. It will pass.

[patientandclear]

Accepting, I know very well how this works.  I am feeling that way too tonight.

I don't know what else I could or should have done, but the sadness of where we have ended up is overwhelming to me.   

[HarmKrakow]

Don't forget that NC (cold turkey) brain functional wise is often not the easiest solution and therefore a reaction like yours is completely normal. This happens...

[Learning_curve74]

I totally identify with that, Accepting.  

When I get hit by the sadness, sometimes I can identify why, like when I hear certain songs, when she shows up on a friend's Facebook photos, when I see mutual friends I met through her... .Other times I have no idea why it seems to come out of the blue.

You said you'd been doing the right things, so I'm just curious what those things are if you don't mind me asking? Maybe your answers will help me and some of the other people here.  

[Accepting]

Well gee, it's got me this afternoon. Teary, very teary. Thanks for your replies and I'm sorry some of you are in this too. It's not easy.

Learning_curve, I don't listen to too much girly music but earlier at gym I heard Rihanna sing 'Stay' and ':)iamonds in the sky' and they keep circling in my mind - those lyrics are not helping! eek... Re what I've been doing that's been helping... .well I've launched myself back in to my usual healthy eating which slid over the time since last seeing him. I'd been definitely comfort eating and just consoling myself through food at times. Being back on the healthy eating thing has felt fresh and like I'm in control of that side of things. This is only recent though... .during the 7wks I've ensured I've kept up the gym - though I was sick twice since last seeing him - true to fashion I always get sick during his Silence periods shortly after he starts them and this time was no different. Unlike other recycles, this time I deleted all contact details for him - this one has been a huge thing for me. I made the decision that this relationship was toxic for me and that I was unable to trust my self control with staying away so I deleted all methods of reaching out to him and it's helped - I know I'd have caved by now if he'd contacted me. I'm unsure that he will as I caught him on online dating and called him on it as the last contact I made and felt absolutely disgusted - I'd implicitly trusted him despite anything that'd ever happened and when he said he couldn't be together due to the need to be alone to find himself I drew on the deepest respect for his wishes and needs that I could have inside of me and tried to let him go. So to see him online on his dating site (I suddenly had this moment one night where I just had to search on the dating site we'd met on - it was a random horrific thought - and there he was, using a profile to search for 'what we had' as such - it made me sick) confronted my very beliefs, the essence of who I thought of him as being, as a person... .so cos of calling him on his behaviour and accusing him of a disorder - I think it's unlikely he will contact me - though I've that feeling he will? ... .and the sickening desire for him to do so even though I want to meet his contact with nothing from my end as a reply. It's terrible... .

Seeing friends, ensuring I get to the beach once a week, looking at the night sky and being grateful for the simple things... .taking pleasure in the simple things the infants in my care learn daily at work... .their smiles... .trying not to speak of him, trying not to read this site when my mind isn't focused on him or dwell on it, reading positive affirmations - sites that encourage you to choose happier thought processes (usually my way), committing my mind to my studies (child services), taking time to be extra kind to people, friends, family... .trying to be grateful for all the things that I have that are so wonderful in my life - all of this has helped so much. I'm surprised by this sudden emotional crash - but I guess that is the nature of this isn't it? Something else that's helped (though it's hard to remember whilst the tears are rolling) is to feel the hurt, to let myself cry it out and to peel those layers away... .process this experience and see life for the way it is... .up and down and intricate.

[patientandclear]

One aspect of your story that really resonates for me is that experience of reaching deep into yourself to respect their need to be alone, to not be indignant or angry about the broken commitment, to really manifest love & let them go so they can be alone (something I've needed to do in my life) ... .only to have them immediately go searching for another woman.

Same thing happened to me.  It feels like such a profound betrayal.

[Accepting]

I believe we've spoken before about this   yep, it's hard isn't it? Hard to accept having reached inside to a place of understanding and empathy and emotional maturity to try to respect someone's wishes only to find that their request was a hollow one - or a lie. I've noticed that my ex is now off the dating site - or that he has removed his profile/hidden it for now. So I'm unsure whether he's found someone else or simply had a change of heart and decided to spend some alone time sorting himself out after all. I tried not to keep an eye on his profile - when I saw a few wks back in a weaker moment that he'd taken his profile down I kind of wished that I hadn't looked. At first I thought it meant he'd met someone in person and had no need for the profile... .but then I toughened up quickly and told myself that it could mean anything... .how would I really know what is happening... .and that even if he did have a new girl, that even that isn't something I can guess at - meaning, it could be a girl to just pass the time or another person who will fall to his initial charms and end up leaving (like I should have) or getting pulled in to his cycle.

A big thing for me has been not hating him or feeling too much negativity. Moreso, I focus on empathy and trying to understand and accept and this resonates best with the way I operate... .with the person I am. I don't like to harbour ill feelings, I don't like to feel I'm sending out negative energy to someone... .especially someone I 'love'... .or someone who obviously has enough issues in their life. This is helping me keep a feeling of peacefulness for the most part. I think there needs to be more love and understanding in the world. I'm trying to keep a clear mind about it, about him. I'm just missing him today. I'm just a little saddened over us not being together... .and those da mn Rihanna lyrics... .hehe. I don't watch too much celebrity stuff but what I know of her relationship with Chris Brown through the media... .I can see she hurts and that is portrayed in her music, in her voice... .in her eyes. Love hey?

[Jbt857]

Hi Accepting,

I hear you. 

I was doing okay in terms of getting over my BPDexh for about 5 months until bam! All those feelings came up and walloped me. Hard. (That's when I found this board).

I find I can go along pretty okay most of the time, working on healing and of course feeling some sadness, but sadness I can deal with and then out of nowhere, I'll have a day where it feels so damn unfair (I was replaced super fast too). Those days I literally struggle to get out of bed and wonder if I might drown in my own tears.

You're doing lots of great things to take care of yourself and I think you are right - those days are just part of the process of healing ourselves. They pass.

But being stuck in one of them is bloody horrible! Try not to look at their social media - I have to fight myself not to, but I know I don't feel any better for it and so the last 3 or so months, I haven't. No good will come of it!

Hang in there!

[Starlight607]

Hi Accepting,

Your situation resonates. 10 weeks since I walked away after yet another bat cave withdrawal. The shock of him disappearing again meant I succumbed to the " I would like to stay friends" after his initial rage that I wanted out. I have now come to my senses and established NC. However like you I have hit a wall in the last two days. So far I have replied to his e mail twice and then deleted it before sending! Hang in there! I do not know if I am replaced and actually a part of me sadly just wants vindication as he repeats another in a long list of failed relationships! Hang on to the reality. He will do the same again and again and we must try to depersonalise the behaviour. Hard though that is!

Starlight607

[heartandwhole]

A big hug Accepting    Those sudden waves of sadness and longing are hard, I'm glad you reached out.

Not sure if you've seen this, but your description of "shattered" made me immediately think of this book that was so very helpful for me in my healing.

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

Keep taking good care of you, and sharing your journey.  It helps all of us. 

[Accepting]

Hello again... .so  I think I'm at about 9wks since seeing him now... so must be about 7 without contact.

And I'm fighting off the urge to guess at his email address to write n tell him I love him. I'm on the in control side of things re this urge... .but only so very just.

I've been fighting to keep control over my mind re the thoughts of him that flood in... .the emotions which leave me so wanting to hold him. I feel like I'm pretty realistic in all of this but the romantic side of me, the part which resonated with the intense chemistry, is struggling.

The only method of seeing anything about him is via his online dating profile and after he had a 3-4wk break he's been back on. It's the only way I have still kept tabs though I even  try not to do this.

I am so wanting to reach out to him... .I know I can't do this. I'm just posting here instead.

[Jbt857]

Keep posting!

I have to do similar things to distract myself. I don't look at his social media - thankfully at some point I realised how negative it was to myself. So try and leave the dating site alone.

You're doing great. I do 'all the right things' too - I eat well, work out, since he's gone, I drink less and I quit smoking. I work through my feelings and still these times come and sneak up on you, and bite you on the bum. Last week was terrible for me. This week, I'm slightly better. Slightly. But hopefully, next week I will be slightly better again.

These times pass. I hear you. It's a killer. But keep going. It will pass.   

[NoSocks]

Hi ACCEPTING. MAN O MAN ... .these boards are awesome. You hit it on the head. Us Nons trying to put the distance between them and us is soo gut wrenching. I have tried it soo many times. I feel its the trauma bonding that makes things so much harder to walk away. After all the bad that he does... .and what I have gone through and go through now   I still can t walk away completely. Im trying but going cold turkey is too painful. I wish I knew how to change this. The outrageous things that they say are unbelievable... .and still we're able to reboot every morning some how.

[ucmeicu2]

Hi ACCEPTING. MAN O MAN ... .these boards are awesome. You hit it on the head. Us Nons trying to put the distance between them and us is soo gut wrenching. I have tried it soo many times. I feel its the trauma bonding that makes things so much harder to walk away. After all the bad that he does... .and what I have gone through and go through now   I still can t walk away completely. Im trying but going cold turkey is too painful. I wish I knew how to change this. The outrageous things that they say are unbelievable... .and still we're able to reboot every morning some how.

thanx nosocks and everyone that posts here.  i tell ya, before i found this site i thought i might be losing my mind (well i might still be, hehe... .j/k) but to see others ~ WOW so many others ~ expressing the same exact experiences/thoughts/feelings/etc as me, well it's priceless.  i'm so grateful for all of you.

OP, recap:  i was with my xBPDgf on and off for abt 3 yrs.  loved her like no other ever before.   i turned my life upside down for her.  i left her... .many times... .but we could never stay away from each other for long. been NC for abt 9 months.  got a letter from her abt 3.5 months ago, begging/pleading me to write or call/how much she loves me/how she wants to reestablish-reconnect with me/how full of shame and guilt she is.  i have not replied!  most of the time i'm rolling along ok, sometimes the pain hits me like a tsunami.  ya just gotta roll with it.  stand in it.  face it.  feel it.  acknowledge it.  then it will kinda say "thanks for that"  and subside.  the waves get fewer and farther between for me.  i'm confident they will for all of you.   

[Accepting]

Thanks to all of you for your replies... I read them quickly on my lunch break today and they got me through. Just tucking up in bed... another day successfully passed without contacting 'him'. Posting here certainly helps when you're feeling like wavering... When you miss them from your core and you feel like telling them you still love them.

I often am surprised when self reflecting over my relationship with him that despite constant recycles, always the same draw me in touching my soul with our connection then soon after cut to silence pattern of his, that somehow despite the multitude of failed attempts to make it work, I still find myself awaiting the chance to try again - to finally crack the code and turn my relations with him in to a stable, committed relationship. It's like the pattern has me hardwired to hoping for a different outcome... to have faith in he n I working out n being all that was promised and talked about.

I do remind myself of two things quite regularly... .one is that it's crazy to keep on at any pattern in life that repeatedly fails to bring you happiness. Doing the same thing over n over wanting a better result - not bright. Secondly, I remind myself of how sickeningly gut wrenching it is to be hit by that wall of silence each time we have the most intimate of moments. For me there's only one thing that outdoes how amazing he makes me feel... .and that is how shattered he makes me feel. I also try to face realities n not hide from them - his tattoo which says 'Save me from myself' - I try to see this as a warning to keep me away,  not as a cry for help that makes me want to save him. Only he can do that. I love him so much,  I only wish he would save himself. Be light, happy...

I'm wishing this on all of us. The world has strange ways of working but I'm hoping being strong through this experience leads to something beautiful.

[Tincanmike]

I am new to this site and to the pain of this slow breakup/divorce and healing process.  My wife is seeing the third person in as little as 4 months since we went our separate ways. This latest one hurts even more so because this was an acquaintance of ours during our marriage and the word is she's moving in with him. It wasn't that long ago that she said she couldn't live without me! And she won't stop trying to contact me, leaving messages, sending texts always finding some excuse to let me in on her latest exploits.  It's really hard to believe she could be so cruel and difficult for me to understand whether she's doing it purposefully or it's just another aspect of her mental disease.  It seems I've broken up with her multiple times. (Up and down and up and down)  Letting go is extremely hard, despite all the negatives of our time together.  And yes, the romantic part of me wants to prove everyone wrong and make it work. The fairy tale is exactly that. It won't work unless she works on herself and it probably still wouldn't work for us. She will continue to go through the cycles and I'm afraid she's going to hit bottom again.  My support network tells me there's nothing I can do to help/rescue her and that no contact is the best way for me to heal.  I have to constantly tell myself that there IS a stable, loving, trustworthy woman out there someplace that I will meet. I miss my wife and will always love and care about her.  But for my own well being, I have to let her run her own course no matter the self-destruction it might entail.  Best wishes to those going through this. We will have bad days and there will be better days. Thanks for the forum.

[Discovery]

just feeling gut-wrenchingly sad about him

Accepting, I'm there too. Three months since I last saw him, about 8 weeks nc. Waves of sadness and deep deep grief keep coming. I think I'm doing "better" and then I'm right back in the longing. I heard yesterday that a woman I know lost her husband last week - he died, and they are the same age as my former partner and I. That triggered a huge grief in me... .I desperately wanted to email him and say I love you, and does it have to be this way? To tell him that I will always love him and it hurts terribly to think that something could happen to either one of us and we'd never have the chance to say goodbye in a loving way, to hold each other and express how much we've meant to one another. My best friend asked me not to email and to wait until the w/e so she could talk to me again... .she's trying to help me not give in -- it's so so hard.

Like you, I also want to connect with compassion and knowing and accepting he's messed up... .yet in some ways being angry is so much easier, because when I am in compassion, I feel the love I have for him, and then the longing comes back and I miss him terribly.

[winston72]

What an incredible thread!  Each post resonated with me and tweaked my thoughts and emotions in a new way.  Thank you, all

Accepting (and others), I am struck by what seems to be your aversion and disapproval of "negative" thoughts about your ex.  I would like to suggest that this way of thinking about him is contrary to your experiences with him, contrary to your feelings and in opposition to your better judgment.  And, I must add, I am writing this because I do the very same thing. 

A big thing for me has been not hating him or feeling too much negativity. Moreso, I focus on empathy and trying to understand and accept and this resonates best with the way I operate... .with the person I am. I don't like to harbour ill feelings, I don't like to feel I'm sending out negative energy to someone... .especially someone I 'love'... .or someone who obviously has enough issues in their life. This is helping me keep a feeling of peacefulness for the most part. I think there needs to be more love and understanding in the world. I'm trying to keep a clear mind about it, about him.

I do not like to harbor ill feelings toward another person.  I do not like to retain anger... .I actually don't like to even retain negative or critical feelings or thoughts about others, in particular my ex.  I think it is appropriate to see the best in other people and not dwell on the negative about them or my interaction with them.

And, let me say that this is so wrong!  All of the thoughts you express in the above referenced quote should be affirmed.  But, "more love and understanding" does include understanding openly and fully the issues present in your ex.  Also, "trying to keep a clear mind" about him and your relationship means maintaining a conscious awareness of the betrayal, breach of trust and distortion this person brings into your life.  This merits the activation of flashing red lights and alarm bells within you that say, ":)anger!"  He hurt you.  He is not reliable.  He does bad things.  You should have some bad thoughts about him... .because that would reflect an accurate understanding and a truly clear mind. 

I have the amazingly magical ability to magnify the good and the wonderful in my ex and minimize the awful and the destructive.  I do it all the time!  And now that I no longer relate to her, and I don't experience the visceral contact with the hurt of her push/pull patterns, I am more likely to relive the wonderful, warm, connected moments.  There were lots of those and they flow back into my mind and heart... .and I miss her so!  And, I think I reject the retention of anger and disgust and hate for all of her betrayals and withdrawals... .because I think that is not the "better way" for me to live.  I do not think it is appropriate or healthy to retain those thoughts and feelings.  And I am coming to believe that is just not accurate, true and healthy.  And I think it is a symptom of why I connected with her in the first place and why I stayed as long as I did. 

For me, this topic leans into the meaning of boundaries.  In may case, by boundaries concerning how she behaved and treated me were not maintained because I could not integrate into my personality a proper sequence of hurt turning to anger turning to resolution turning to an enlightened choice to live and relate differently.  As I reflect on it, I was unwilling to really absorb the full meaning of the consequences of her actions. 

I want to be a person of compassion, empathy, care, patience and kindness.  And I believe these are worthy attributes to manifest.  However, they do need to be informed by an accurate and true assessment of the people in our lives. 

Simply stated, this guy behaves like a jerk.  He is untrustworthy, has hurt you and will hurt you.  He betrays you.  Love and compassion toward him would be to react in a manner that is consistent with his behavior.  To suck it up and stay positive toward him is distorted and unhelpful to you and to him.  And, I suspect, it leads you to believe that you can respond to such grievous behavior with lovingkindness... .and that allows you emotions to continue to lean toward warmth and affection.

I am continually seeking that which is beautiful in life.  I am very slow to call something ugly and bad.  I have needed to do that in order to gain more personal health... .and not because I have the need so call something bad just to get away from it (the something bad I refer to is the behavior of my ex) but rather because that is the balanced, calm, reasonable evaluation of it.  And when I do this, I am more empowered with my choice to move on... .and more at peace with it.

[Discovery]

"more love and understanding" does include understanding openly and fully the issues present in your ex.  Also, "trying to keep a clear mind" about him and your relationship means maintaining a conscious awareness of the betrayal, breach of trust and distortion this person brings into your life.  ... .  He hurt you.  He is not reliable.  He does bad things.  ... .Simply stated, this guy behaves like a jerk.  He is untrustworthy, has hurt you and will hurt you.  He betrays you.

You should have some bad thoughts about him... .because that would reflect an accurate understanding and a truly clear mind.

Winston, thank you for this. I struggle so much to have a "balanced" view. Either I can get in touch with anger momentarily and see how outrageously I was treated (esp. at the end) - or - I'm missing him and remembering the man with whom I laughed, shared my deepest self, had countless wonderful adventures with, the man I loved and thought I was going to spend my life with. The two poles are so wildly opposed that getting my brain to have a "balanced" view feels impossible most of the time  

I think that's why recovering from this is so very, very hard. Neither the brain or the heart can find resolution faced with the huge incoherences.

[winston72]

Hey Discovery!  It is so true.  As time goes along, I am inspired by the name of this site, bpdfamily.com.  If I could just see things for how they really are and allow my emotions to align with those facts, then it would all be much easier.  But... .I think I just have a very hard time integrating the "negative" emotions into my own self.  Even writing the word negative is awkward.  I don't grab onto those and allow them to be as real or as important as my loving and forgiving ones.  I think in my case there is some deep denial or inability to accept my own emotions.  It is not as though the negative emotions are not within me... .they certainly are, but I am not able to bring them into my consciousness in a fully mature manner.  I think I deal with my hurt, anger, disappointment, frustration by working extra hard to be a good guy... .to forgive, go the extra mile, turn the other cheek.  I am hoping those behaviors of mine will result in my SO seeing the light and wanting me again... .and that will allow me to not feel the anger and hurt and sometimes hate toward her... Hmmm... .just pressing into my own self on this one.

In any event, I am seeking to allow my feelings to exist and inform my thoughts... .to lead me to make better judgments about this relationship. 

[ucmeicu2]

I often am surprised when self reflecting over my relationship with him that despite constant recycles, always the same draw me in touching my soul with our connection then soon after cut to silence pattern of his, that somehow despite the multitude of failed attempts to make it work, I still find myself awaiting the chance to try again - to finally crack the code and turn my relations with him in to a stable, committed relationship. It's like the pattern has me hardwired to hoping for a different outcome... to have faith in he n I working out n being all that was promised and talked about.

oh Accepting i relate to your whole post but that, in bold, esp caught my eye.  there is a song on the radio these days that is supposedly abt fame but sounds like BPD to me!

www.youtube.com/results?search_query=holy+grail+jay+z+justin+timberlake+lyrics&sm=1

"Holy Grail"

(feat. Justin Timberlake)



[Verse 1: Justin Timberlake]

You take the clothes off my back

And I let you

You'd steal the food right out my mouth

And I watch you eat it

I still don't know why

Why I love you so much

Oh

(Thanks for warning me [2x])

You curse my name

In spite to put me to shame

Have my laundry in the streets

Dirty or clean

Give it up for fame

But I still don't know why

Why I love it so much

(Thanks for warning me [2x])

Yeah

[Hook]

And baby

It's amazing I'm in this maze with you

I just can't crack your code

One day you screaming you love me loud

The next day you're so cold

One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care

You're so unfair sipping from your cup

Till it runneth over, Holy Grail

[Bridge]

You get the air out my lungs whenever you need it

And you take the blade right out my heart just so you can watch me bleeding

I still don’t know why

Why I love you so much

(Thanks for warning me [2x])

Yeah

(Thanks for warning me)

And you play this game in spite to drive me insane

I got it tattooed on my sleeve forever in ink with guess whose name

But I still don't know why

Why I love it so much, yeah.

(Thanks for warning me [2x])

[Hook]

Don't know why... .

[Discovery]

A big thing for me has been not hating him or feeling too much negativity. Moreso, I focus on empathy and trying to understand and accept and this resonates best with the way I operate... .with the person I am. I don't like to harbour ill feelings, I don't like to feel I'm sending out negative energy to someone... .especially someone I 'love'... .or someone who obviously has enough issues in their life.

working extra hard to be a good guy... .to forgive, go the extra mile

Accepting, Winston,

I've been thinking alot about things you both said. I feel like I come from a similar place... .I consciously choose to be a positive person in life; I don't want to judge others, I highly value compassion and empathy. I try to live according to the words: "Be the change you want to see in the world." I'm not into giving my energy to negativity; I'd rather use it constructively.

I realize I can feel strong and firm anger at injustices in the world and cases of others being mistreated... .YET... .I find it very difficult to allow myself to feel this same outrage at how I was treated in this r/s. Why? Why do I go first to empathy and compassion for him and his disordered way of being?

I've had to ask my friends to repeatedly tell me how they see what happened... .I need them to spell it out: "You were treated abusively; what he did was totally unacceptable; he treated you like s***, it's as damaging as physical violence; no normal healthy person would do this to someone they "loved", etc. over and over again... .I had my friends email me this and I have to read it to myself every day; when I go for walks with my friends, I ask them to say it out loud to me again.

I just can't seem to see it objectively w/o other people saying "this man is not a good guy; he's done a lot of really bad, extremely hurtful and cowardly stuff and you SHOULD feel angry." When I hear them say, "I don't EVER want to see you with him again" part of me still protests inside... ."But you don't know what a wonderful person he can be... ." and I can't believe he is the same person as the one who suddenly threw me out like I had no value.

It's like I have to hear it from someone else in order to believe it. Like I can't fully integrate in my mind his hurtful behavior for what it is by myself. Part of me still believes it's not the "real" him. Who is he, really? Which one? 

I'm asking myself what compassion is and isn't. Last night I watched Thich Naht Hanh (a Buddhist teacher I respect) on video talking about suffering and compassion and although he says that when someone's behavior is ugly it is a clear sign that they are suffering inside, one thing that stood out was that he said we first must have compassion FOR OURSELVES and for our own suffering before we try to extend compassion to others.

[Accepting]

Hello all!     

So... .I just thought about BPD family and the forums. I looked up the site and tried to remember my old sign in alias... .and here I am.

I thought I might give some inspiration or just simply tell you my story since this post *a Year ago!*

I let go of my (undiagnosed yet highly likely BPD) ex and the constant cycle of ups and downs, breakups and reconciliations and let myself move on. Amazingly I've met someone who took my 'fancy' (I'm fussy!) and I am now in love again. We've dated over 5months and had our moments but it is going really well and life is very different on the relationship front. He does what he says, he puts me first/equally to his needs, includes me in his life and introduces me willingly to friends and family... .and foremost, he remains consistent and reliable emotionally. I didn't think this was normal - it's actually taken me time to accept that this is how things are supposed to be - and I still ask at times if he is 'sure he wants me to stay at his/attend social gatherings/plan things for the future/be called or contacted' - he always looks at me like I'm a weirdo and asks why I would think it would be 'no' to any of these things... .but no-one can understand unless they've been through a relationship like the one I (many of you) have experienced.

It hasn't all been smooth sailing... .I allowed doubts to enter my mind and I heard from my BPD ex via message... .it threw me and made me reminisce and doubt my feelings for my new relationship. At first I remained strong and didn't reply... .but then I caved. I decided to meet my ex over coffee... .and when I went, I surprised myself by realising that I had moved on. Emotionally. I didn't crave him like I used to, I was no longer attracted. The perfect spark in my memory was not there in reality. I felt relieved for my new relationship, yet sad and caring for my ex. He had tried dating and seen another girl for a number of months - yet broken it off saying he thought it wrong to be with her when he thought of me. I couldn't help but feel for this other girl and also, I couldn't help but wonder at the cycle he still seemed to be in. He says I am the love of his life and he feels he ruined everything - he says that he is working on himself and trying to move forward - he says he is hoping that I will realise he is the man for me, his soul mate... .From the distance I have put between him and I, I feel I can see things so much more clearly now... .and as I said to him, nothing has changed. Everything he said I have heard before. I did not try to help him or offer advice, I simply said that I hope he takes care of himself.

I am glad we met up and my new relationship is very aware of everything. I have no secrets. Now I feel I can move on even more freely... .as I realise, I have truly broken the cycle. I love my new partner, or at least, am falling in love - as I think true love takes longer than 5 months to develop... .I feel content and I feel secure. I trust him and try not to allow myself to continue with 'weird' patterns... .though that may take time. By this, I mean, I try not to carry over the things my ex did on to my new guy. The longer we date, the more I leave behind those cycles and questions, worries and doubts and simply accept that someone can offer a normal connection that doesn't waiver. It doesn't change with a cycle. It just is.

I hope you are all taking care of yourselves. Make choices for your own happiness and remember that you can care for them whilst doing so. Sometimes you can love someone and leave them. It doesn't mean you don't love them, you just choose to make other life choices and follow what will lead to your happiness.

Good luck xox 

[heartandwhole]

Accepting,

Thank you for this update, I'm happy for you. It's wonderful to hear from "former" members—it really helps to hear success stories and just to know how things turned out.

I wish you all the best in your new life and relationship. 

heartandwhole