Discoveries, Feelings, and the need for Validation

[Woolspinner2000]

I was working in our living room today trying to move things around and make space for our Christmas tree. There is a really cool old trunk in this room which belonged to my g-g-grandfather (he brought it over on the ship when he came to America) that my step dad gave me when my mom died over two years ago. As I was moving and pushing and trying to slide it around, I realized it was super heavy, so I opened the lid. I had forgotten that it was filled with things from my mom's home. I shouldn't have opened it. You know, when you are many states away for only a few days after your mom's funeral and step dad says take what you want, how in the world am I supposed to know what I want or don't want? At that point I hadn't even really begun T processing regarding all of her uBPD issues and how it affected me.

At first I just closed the trunk back up, being hit with that heavy-in-the-pit-of your-stomach sinking feeling of not really wanting anything that was my mom's. I'm in the midst of my realizing only a few weeks ago that she was not only very verbally and emotionally abusive, but now throw into that physically abusive as well. I'm trying so hard to accept step 5 of the Survivors Guide, to hold my mom responsible, not myself.

A bit later I re-opened the trunk to stash away a couple of items that really belong in there, my g-gpa's woodworking tools, and I began to pull out some items that I thought I could handle seeing/dealing with. The smell of her home hit me too from these items. I brought out a couple of books that I had thought maybe I wanted those many months ago. I put them in a pile to donate as I don't think I want them now. I saved a couple, but while I have other items with her handwriting (birthday cards, etc.), these are books that she collected to 'help' her in her continual striving for better health, her obsession with eating right, vitamins, etc. It was a soapbox and crutch for her. Right now I just cannot handle seeing any of this.

As I took something of my mom's out into the kitchen (a casserole dish that I thought I could use) that I had pulled from the trunk, I said with a sigh to my DH, "I guess I'm just not ready for this yet. It's so hard."  At first he seemed to get it but then he offered this comment, "You know, your mom did the best she could."

Really? Really?   I began feeling these emotions that swung from one extreme to the other. On one hand, yes, he's right, but on the other hand, she did a lousy job of being a mom! She had her good moments, but I've come to recognize lately that her 'good' states of mind were infrequent and fleeting, and her 'bad' states of BPD were the norm to me. I only need to remember my siblings who also struggle greatly to remind me I wasn't alone in this. How can he keep saying to me she did the best she could (he's often said this)? He's also reminded me that she loved me too. I felt anger within, lots of it and strong, and immediately began the inner criticism of myself that I would react so strongly, but right away it was followed by this thought: 

It's okay to feel anger. Good for me that I am allowing myself to feel it! 

It's one thing to start to allow yourself to feel, and then quite another to realize that I'm finally letting those feelings come out in my responses to others rather than stuffing it inside. Dare I do this? I think I must. And then there are those times when I worry if my kids will say something similar about my mothering, but I know I've done things differently with them so I have hope.

In the end I told DH that my mom isn't the one who needs validation. He said he wasn't validating her, just acknowledging that she did the best she could, even if it was bad. Then I said, "You're not validating your wife either," to which he did pause and say, "No, I'm not." He followed up by saying that he guessed I wasn't in the healing phase yet which he's more interested in because it leads to forgiveness. He said I must be in the processing stage.

Personally I think I am processing and healing because at this moment in time, healing to me means seeing what took place and being able to say that she wasn't always a good mom.

So I want to say that I don't need to hear one more person say to me that my mom did the best she could. I'm trying to process and heal from my FOO and my uBPDm. Please don't invalidate me all over again.

Any help you guys can pass along to me?

Woolspinner

[Harri]

Hi Wools!

Personally I think I am processing and healing because at this moment in time, healing to me means seeing what took place and being able to say that she wasn't always a good mom.

I agree.  I think you are doing amazingly well in processing and dealing with your feelings.  It is not easy to allow the feelings of anger to rise up, so excellent job in allowing yourself to feel it!  This is a huge accomplishment Wools.  So strange as this may seem, I am doing a happy dance because you allowed yourself to feel angry!   

So I want to say that I don't need to hear one more person say to me that my mom did the best she could. I'm trying to process and heal from my FOO and my uBPDm. Please don't invalidate me all over again.

Excellent!  Say exactly that if you want to start a conversation about it with him or next time should your hubby be foolish and clueless enough to utter such a trite sentence to you again.  I mean it too.  There is nothing wrong with saying exactly what you wrote Wools.  And good for you for standing up for yourself and telling him he was validating your mothers behavior and not your process.     I am cheering you on here!

I think a lot of people resort to this phrase for a couple of reasons.  One, many people can not relate to the degree and type of abuse we have dealt with and 2) many people seem to say it as a defense, as if they have their own unprocessed crap to deal with and acknowledging and accepting your truth and reality in some way threatens their own.  I think it can be appropriate for the person who was abused to say it, but only if they have accepted that what happened was abuse and have worked things through.  It should not be used as a means to excuse or justify nor is saying it a prerequisite for moving through or a sign that someone has reached a point of healing/acceptance.  I guess what I am saying is that the abused person is the one who gets to say it to others and should not have it declared *to* them by others.  another time I think it is okay is when a person, lets say me, has done something wrong or hurtful and has recognized and accepted it and is trying to work things through so it does not happen again, but even then, it is only appropriate to say it to *myself* so I can move beyond beating myself up and get on to changing my behavior.  To say the words to the person I wronged is ridiculous and highly manipulative.   Can you imagine having raged at someone or hit them and then saying "I was just doing the best I could"?  Or  "Yes, I abused you but I loved you very much"?  I accepted long ago that my mother loved me very much.  I know she did.  I also know she was highly abusive and a very sick person.  It makes no difference when it comes to processing and working through what happened and stressing the fact that she loved me was actually a huge stumbling block in terms of my ability to break away from her and the rest of my crazy family.

Can you tell I feel pretty strongly about this phrase?   

Any help you guys can pass along to me?

Well, like I said above, I think you are doing just fine here and I think you are doing brilliantly especially given the fact that your husband is being less than supportive in this area.     Are there any specifics you want some help with? 

[Ziggiddy]

Bravo Bellimissa! BRAVO! I am standing up and applauding you!

And then sitting back down because it's hard to type from up here.

What a thing - a couple of real watershed moments for you.

i imagine your grief from your mother's death would have been revived along with the other feelings provoked from coming to recognise her ill treatment of you. Would it be that those mix of feelings were an unusual combination for you? Such a hard cocktail to disentangle.

To see those possessions and smell those smells that evoke your memories not just of your mother and your g-grandpa but of the history of your family and perhaps a little of you too?

As far as your husband's comments regarding your mother's behaviour go I can understand completely your response. Some people react this way because it's just too hard or time consuming for them to see it in your view. I fully agree with harri's comment here about people not relating and also using it as a defense.

And it's a shame. because here he has the opportunity to sympathise and support you, allow your feelings the validation and examination that you could give them in that heartfelt moment. instead it circumvents communication.

And how proud I was of your reaction! <applauds again!>

I felt anger within, lots of it and strong, and immediately began the inner criticism of myself that I would react so strongly, but right away it was followed by this thought: 

It's okay to feel anger. Good for me that I am allowing myself to feel it! 

It's one thing to start to allow yourself to feel, and then quite another to realize that I'm finally letting those feelings come out in my responses to others rather than stuffing it inside. Dare I do this? I think I must.

Anger can be a fearful emotion especially if we have been punished and punished for it before

Personally I think I am processing and healing because at this moment in time, healing to me means seeing what took place and being able to say that she wasn't always a good mom.

So I want to say that I don't need to hear one more person say to me that my mom did the best she could. I'm trying to process and heal from my FOO and my uBPDm. Please don't invalidate me all over again.

Any help you guys can pass along to me?

Woolspinner[/quote]
oh you seem to be doing really well, Woolspinner. you may at times when you are scared of feeling angry try free associating to feel other memories of when it was not okay to be mad at someone? Try and connect present feelings with past ones. What does this remind you of?

No she wasn't always a godd mom. And that is saying it mildly.

And if she loved you the full warm and caring way you love your own children she could not have taught you that it's not okay to feel angry sometimes. That it's not okay to allow invalidation of your own true feelings. or your own experiences.

Sometimes we have to work backwards starting with the result. I think Well I am so scared of confrontation because I know the person will punish me then abandon me" and then i ask "Well where did I get that learning from?" And then I ask myself "Is that my truest definition of love?"

Actually harri I was very much struck with your point:

  Can you imagine having raged at someone or hit them and then saying "I was just doing the best I could"?  Or  "Yes, I abused you but I loved you very much"?  I accepted long ago that my mother loved me very much.  I know she did.  I also know she was highly abusive and a very sick person.  It makes no difference when it comes to processing and working through what happened and stressing the fact that she loved me was actually a huge stumbling block in terms of my ability to break away from her and the rest of my crazy family.

i have so struggled with the ideas that at times she showed incredible concern for me that I could not explain away. it makes sense much more sense to accept that at times she did love me very much. Still does n some ways on some days. But it is entirely conditional on my behaviour to her. Whatever kind of love it was it did not produce a very good result.

Very intersting

[Moselle]

Woolspinner,

Thanks for your post! I also applaud you for your courage to stand up and feel angry, and say that it was "not OK".

My BPD/NPD's wife's parents have used that very phrase - "We loved our children. We made mistakes but we did our best". I'm afraid that doesn't cut it with me. If that's the case, what were your mistakes? Admit them and own them. Unfortunately, that is very unlikely in their case.

Sorry to hear your husband wasn't very sensitive to your feelings. I'm sure he meant well by it, but was probably a little bit clumsy in how he came across.

I loved the imagery by the way I can imagine that cool old trunk from long ago.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you to all of those who responded and for your cheering me on!    It is so strange to hear the applause, the bravos for what I did. I often think it is so much better to share with others who understand because you see it from a different perspective than I do. I'm too close to it. Living in fear of saying anything is a terrible place to be, so the fact that I did respond to DH really is a big deal.  Harri, I really like what you said,

I think a lot of people resort to this phrase for a couple of reasons.  One, many people can not relate to the degree and type of abuse we have dealt with and 2) many people seem to say it as a defense, as if they have their own unprocessed crap to deal with and acknowledging and accepting your truth and reality in some way threatens their own. 

From what I've observed over the years with DH, he says things to defend the other person, the one who is on the outside, whomever that might be in a situation. It is how he views life. Unfortunately, it will usually leave me invalidated which is what happened in this case. I believe this was the first time I had the nerve to say he needn't validate my mom, and I think I may say it again. As Moselle said, I do think he meant well by it, but DH is not practiced at validating me or anyone else.

I think generally we are uncomfortable hearing a voiced criticism of another person. Or maybe that's just the tendency of a child of a BPD? I'm not sure because I only know what was/is normal to me, and unlearning that is tough, to recognize that being honest in stating facts isn't always criticism. I would imagine that many of you also heard this phrase from your uBPD: 'if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all.'  That phrase, clearly branded into my brain, was just one more of the hindrances that has kept me from being able to open my mouth and say anything negative about my uBPDm or anyone else.

Can you imagine having raged at someone or hit them and then saying "I was just doing the best I could"?  Or  "Yes, I abused you but I loved you very much"?  I accepted long ago that my mother loved me very much.  I know she did.  I also know she was highly abusive and a very sick person.  It makes no difference when it comes to processing and working through what happened and stressing the fact that she loved me was actually a huge stumbling block in terms of my ability to break away from her and the rest of my crazy family.

This too is a very good observation! For me as well, being told that my mom loved me has caused me to stumble and doubt myself, really slowing down the healing process.

Ziggiddy, your post was so kind too, your happy cheering of me! It made me feel happy, to know I have friends telling me I'm doing well. 

Would it be that those mix of feelings were an unusual combination for you? Such a hard cocktail to disentangle.

You'd be absolutely right, these were unfamiliar entanglements that are hard to pull away from. It is very intriguing to me, where you suggest that when I am "scared of feeling angry try free associating to feel other memories of  when it was not okay to be mad at someone." Oh, that sounds kind of scary, but it may be quite revealing if I can do so. I think it may also be helpful to see if Lil Wools can help me out here perhaps. And the idea of working backwards... .to go back and see what I learned and from where. Over the past week especially, I've been thinking a lot of how I expect to be treated a certain way, almost as if I deserve to not be treated well or with respect. How far back does that go? It has been  shocking to me as I begin to grasp the fact that I have no or very little sense of value of myself. That aspect still needs some work!

Moselle, thank you also for applauding me. What a great point to make, that if you did the best you could and made mistakes, please share those mistakes with us so that we can share in your apology and feel like you understand.

Learning to stand up for myself has been one of the greatest challenges I've faced in this journey. It's such a process.

Wools

[funfunctional]

Woolspinner,

Sounds like the cat got let out of the bag with that trunk opening!  All the icky energy pouring out.  Reminds me of that Raiders of the Lost Arch movie when they open that trunk of doom at the end of first movie (no idea if you saw that movie).

I concur that one of the most annoying lines is "she did the best she could".  When you are a victim and trying to process thru what you have been thru that is a rather "write off - quick" way of disregarding your emotions.   That is what bothers me about that line.  It is to say "no... .you can't process these emotions anymore and I am shutting you down by saying "she did the best she could".    Why not hear someone specifically acknowledge what they did.   When someone throws that line at you it is time to find someone else to talk to.    So you came here.  Yay!   Good.

My husband says that to me about his parenting of his two kids and my response to him is that " I am tired of hearing that".   "change & do better".

[Ziggiddy]

Well said funfunctional.

I am learning to respond with "Yeah well I'm doing the best I can in dealing with what her best did to me." I refrain from saying "Well that ain't much"

<insert world weary smile/sigh here!>

[Woolspinner2000]

Ziggiddy,

Love the response! I shall have to write that one down and USE it next time DH or anyone else says that to me. 

Wools (who got a piece of wood from her BIG tree today!  )

[Ziggiddy]

Yippeee yay! Is that self esteem I see peeking out from under the indignation? i think SO!

Very happy to hear about the wood too. What a treasure for you!