Am I codependent

[guy4caligirl]

SKIP

I don't see that my relation with my ex BPD , is a prime example of codependency on my part, never needed her to confirm or validate who I am. I always did and still do even in the worth of times .

I have a concrete foundation while growing up , I did not need her to approve me or give me self esteem it's the opposite .

I never allowed her abusive words to penetrate me  ,I always stood for the right thing and didn't defended her if she was in the  wrong , yes I took care of her by not by being a caretaker .

I feel it's more an addiction on my part than codependency.

What's your take on that if you don't mid ?

What's the difference between those two ?

Thanks

Guy.

[Skip]

Have you read this?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[BuildingFromScratch]

Codependency can also just be denying your own emotional needs for the benefit of others. Which is what I think many of us did.

[bunnyrabit]

When the relationship starts breaking down,  the codependent enabler will sacrifice their own emotional needs in order to keep the relationship going. At this point, he or she starts to lose themselves.  The mantra of a typical enabler is, "I do everything for her in the relationship.  It's not because of me that we have problems."

This. All of us.

And then we expect some sort of medal for all the sacrifices we made for "the greater good" while in reality we did nothing but make a bad situation worse... . 

[Mutt]

When the relationship starts breaking down,  the codependent enabler will sacrifice their own emotional needs in order to keep the relationship going. At this point, he or she starts to lose themselves.  The mantra of a typical enabler is, "I do everything for her in the relationship.  It's not because of me that we have problems."

This. All of us.

And then we expect some sort of medal for all the sacrifices we made for "the greater good" while in reality we did nothing but make a bad situation worse... .  

Guy I'm guilty of this too.

The hard part for me was coming to terms with it - owning it.

It was a hard pill to swallow.

I had to hit my rock bottom. The break-up was messy. It was the catalyst for change.

[Turkish]

When the relationship starts breaking down,  the codependent enabler will sacrifice their own emotional needs in order to keep the relationship going. At this point, he or she starts to lose themselves.  The mantra of a typical enabler is, "I do everything for her in the relationship.  It's not because of me that we have problems."

This. All of us.

And then we expect some sort of medal for all the sacrifices we made for "the greater good" while in reality we did nothing but make a bad situation worse... . 

I had my own "covert contract" going: "I do this, this, and this for her, yet she still doesn't treat me like a decent human being." So I tried to do more with no change.

Stepping back, she should have treated me like a decent human being in the first place. It wasn't up to me to do for her, so she'd act nicer. I guess one might say it's a passive aggressive form of control. I was trying to change to please her. Her personality is what it was and is. Why was I trying to change mine? I was a grown man in his late 30s, alone for a long time, very independent, and I haven't spent a night back in my mom's home since the last night of my 17th year.

My T, btw, didn't think I was "co-dependent" and he doesn't like labeling people thusly. He said he was treating a client who was indeed CoD, and that true co-dependency usually permeates most or all aspects of a person's life, not just one. IMO, if it can be easily unlearned without intensive treatment, it's not a pathology, but rather Rescuer traits taken too far.

[Mutt]

I had my own "covert contract" going: "I do this, this, and this for her, yet she still doesn't treat me like a decent human being." So I tried to do more with no change.

I'd like to add and it's not saying that your situation is the same Turkish.

I tried the same things for several years expecting different results. In a session with my P she had described this as "crazy making behavior".

[Turkish]

I had my own "covert contract" going: "I do this, this, and this for her, yet she still doesn't treat me like a decent human being." So I tried to do more with no change.

I'd like to add and it's not saying that your situation is the same Turkish.

I tried the same things for several years expecting different results. In a session with my P she had described this as "crazy making behavior".

How's this then: my desire to not have a second child wasn't out of so much the financial aspect, but that deep down I didn't trust her stability based upon what I saw raising S4 then S2. I knew her well enough that she wanted a second child so badly that she would have left me to get another baby with someone else. I didn't fear losing her, per se, but my family. It sounds like the reversal of the deal about a woman getting pregnant to trap the father.

[Mutt]

I had my own "covert contract" going: "I do this, this, and this for her, yet she still doesn't treat me like a decent human being." So I tried to do more with no change.

I'd like to add and it's not saying that your situation is the same Turkish.

I tried the same things for several years expecting different results. In a session with my P she had described this as "crazy making behavior".

How's this then: my desire to not have a second child wasn't out of so much the financial aspect, but that deep down I didn't trust her stability based upon what I saw raising S4 then S2. I knew her well enough that she wanted a second child so badly that she would have left me to get another baby with someone else. I didn't fear losing her, per se, but my family. It sounds like the reversal of the deal about a woman getting pregnant to trap the father.

It's not fun. I think this is a lose-lose situation?

Guy, It's worth taking a look at the article. I'm anxious to hear feedback.

[guy4caligirl]

Mutt

I read the article , and yes I see myself as codependent . 75 %

It can be unlearned , I bought the book codenpdency no more , I didn't enjoy reading it that much , it's just telling stories about people , perhaps I should give it another chance .

I lost my dad at the age of 16 , I took good care of him in his final days at that young age .

Could that be what I experience now and effected my personality permantley ?

Any suggestion for me to get rid and unlearn this issue ? 

[Mutt]

I bought the book codenpdency no more , I didn't enjoy reading it that much , it's just telling stories about people , perhaps I should give it another chance .

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It's difficult losing a parent when your young. I can relate. It's painful and hard. I suggest trying a different book if you didn't enjoy Codependent No More the first read.

Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

www.whatiscodependency.com/my-books/

[Rise]

Mutt

I read the article , and yes I see myself as codependent . 75 %

It can be unlearned , I bought the book codenpdency no more , I didn't enjoy reading it that much , it's just telling stories about people , perhaps I should give it another chance .

I lost my dad at the age of 16 , I took good care of him in his final days at that young age .

Could that be what I experience now and effected my personality permantley ?

Any suggestion for me to get rid and unlearn this issue ? 

I know what losing a parent that young feels like. I lost my mom right before my 15th birthday to cancer. I know how traumatic that experience is, and I know it completely affected me and my personality. It was a big part (certainly not the only part, but a big part) of why I've always sought out unhealthy relationships as an adult.

The good news is that nothing about who you are is permanent. You have the ability to choose. I'm not saying changing is easy; It's not. It takes time and hard work. But you can choose to make the change. You don't have to be defined by your past. If you really want to get better, and you're willing to work at it, you can.

The best suggestion I have for you is to really consider seeing a therapist. If you're willing to do the work, a good therapist is going to help guide you and move you along much quicker than trying to figure out things on your own. And some times it really helps just being able to honestly tell someone everything you've been through.

[Mutt]

I lost my mother at 8. She was sick for a year and half. It's hard watching someone you love going through therapy, losing their hair and sensing there's something seriously wrong. I lost her to cancer as well. I'd like to echo Rise nothing about you is permanent, it's not easy, it's hard work, it really pays off.

[guy4caligirl]

Thank Rise and Mutt , a whole lot I think I should go see a p .

[Mutt]

Guy, I'm sorry for the pain of your loss with your ex. It really helps to talk to someone 

[Leaving]

Guy,

You can overcome and cure codependency but it takes immense desire to do so because you have to be willing to end all toxic relationships in your life and remove all toxic people from your life. It's no different than having to give up a substance and all associated buddies and activities altogether in order to rehabilitate.  

I've done it and can assure you that I'm now cured  This didn't happen overnight and to be frank, I think being married to my BPD husband was the final straw that broke me from caring about people who don't have the ability to give and receive unconditional love.  codependent relationships always involve an enabler that puts unrealistic expectations on broken people. We have a ' fix it' personality which is a good thing as long as we are applying our energy in a productive healthy way that will benefit us and others but trying to fix or change people is futile and it's wrong.  Take time to learn who you are, what your values, morals and ethics are and then welcome others into your life who will champion those qualities and not challenge them.  You should never need to sacrifice or compromise those things in order to have a relationship with anyone.

I've read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No more many times but I listened to it again on youtube not long ago and it really resonated with me in a different way.  I believe that the information in self help books holds different meaning for us at different times in our life.   The best book I've read that really helped me was ' The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists' by Eleanor Payton.  Eleanor doesn't waste time sugar coating anything.  

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you Leaving , I think I don't have the patience to read a book but it seems ok reading on line or maybe a a live audio do they have the audio for these books ?