What I have been doing better at.

[maxsterling]

Someone's post the other day that said something like "BPD may defeat my relationship, but it won't defeat me" really rang with me.   The other day in my T's office, I vented talked about how I feel at the end of my rope and need to do something different.  I've done as much as I can with not taking things personally and understanding her illness and validation.  My T ended by saying "good luck" or something like that along with, "I hope you can make the changes you need to make."  I replied, "I don't think it's a matter of *if* I can, but that I *have* to.  I have no choice."

The boundary/speaking my truth/walking away from abuse has been a sticky spot for me.  I think I get roped into way more of her dysregulation than is healthy for me.  Lately I've been dealing with nearly constant criticism and blame for this or that.  It's mostly small and insignificant stuff, but cumulatively I'm exhausted.  But I can think of three times in the past few weeks where I have done something different, and I feel better about myself for having done them.

First was a few weeks ago, when at 11:30 at night, she wanted to have a "conversation" about where we will move some day.  As you all have experienced, it wasn't a "conversation", rather her just barking her anger and blame at me.  When I saw where it was going, I chose not to participate and got up and slept in another room.  I feel good about that course of action.

Next was a few nights ago, again right before bed.  She wanted to tell me about a mistake I had made.  A simple, honest mistake of not making sure the lid to something was not fastened down tight, resulting in spillage when she went to use that container.  More of a frustration than anything, as the item spilled was not expensive and spilled into a location that did not make a big mess.  But as I am sure as all of you have experienced, it was not a simple, "hey, I went to pour this and the lid was not on tight, can you please make sure you tighten the lid when you are finished?"  Instead I got the passive aggressive language, the belittling, and the dragging on and on.  I apologized once, she continued with the belittling, I then said, "I'm sorry. It was a mistake.  It won't happen again" and walked out of the room.  She didn't pursue the conversation after that.

And last night in MC, I did finally speak my truth and stood up for myself. I said that I am exhausted from the future projection, and I need to focus on today's needs and one issue at a time, otherwise I will sink into an abyss and none of our future plans will get done.  Of course, she was upset with that, and it triggered a tirade about me not being ambitious about moving or getting another job.  But I held my ground here without JADE, and the T helped validate my position and encouraged her to work with me constructively here.  During another point in the session, she went off about my mother, how she thinks my mom and my sister are "less evolved" because they like to do handcrafts and cook.  She made the remark "what am I supposed to do, just sit back and accept that?"  I chimed in, "yes.  I have to accept that.  that's who she is, she's my mother and I love her.  She is who she is".  The T then validated exactly that, that my mom is just who she is, and that may be different than what she is used to, but she has to learn to accept that. We have another session Monday, and I feel the door has opened for me here and I feel less apprehensive about delving into these issues.  Of course she is still in a bad mood, but she was in a bad mood for weeks.  I'm hoping, though, that over the next few days some of this sinks in with her, and Monday's session we can pick back up in a more constructive way.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KateCat]

Wow, way to go, Max! 

[Grey Kitty]

This is cool. Usually when I ask this rhetorical question I'm expecting a different answer than the one I'm expecting this time! Max, this change your making, these three examples... .

How's that working for you? 

[maxsterling]

GK -

I think that rhetorical question is worth answering openly.

How is it working for you?  Many ways to think about that, because I feel these are first, small steps.  this morning, I was feeling quite good - like I finally took action against an internal demon of fear.  Like my action finally has started catching up with my intellect.  But as the day wore on, I realized that it's not like anything actually got solved, only one small step towards what I feel I need to do to regain myself.  I do feel less hopeless, and that's good.

[MissyM]

I realized that it's not like anything actually got solved, only one small step towards what I feel I need to do to regain myself.

How do you climb a mountain?   One step at a time.   Good job in making progress.

[Grey Kitty]

I was feeling quite good - like I finally took action against an internal demon of fear.

I love that feeling. The feeling of realizing that that 'thing' I was so afraid of wasn't that bad in the end. I stared it down and I won.

[Mie]

Very good!

I had a similar to 'badly fastened lid' episode yesterday. He went absolutely berserk because I had forgotten to put back a part of the orange squeezer. Listening to a most 'creative' train of thought ending very far from starting point, I said (not in a very calm tone, must say): I am sorry, and went to other room to do something.

[maxsterling]

I think it is a matter of speaking at least a small fraction of what was on my mind, setting a few small boundaries as to what I can no longer put up with, and her not dysregulating any worse.  And last night I wanted to watch a football game.  We only have one tv, and she hates football.  She asked if I wanted to watch it because she thought it was boring. I said "yes", she made a few remarks about being bored, but that was it.  And laying down to bed she said "I'm happy I married you."

[howcanI?]

Max - you are awesome!  I'm tickled by how often we seem to be in sync.  You should be very proud.  Those are a lot of accomplishments in such a short time and such a difficult (read "pain in the ___" situation.  I'm doing pretty good in the same always-shifting minefield of marriage to a N/BPD.  The key for me is to understand and accept that we cannot rest on those particular laurels, but must start anew each day.  And be okay with that if we want to continue posting in this category!  My T gently points out that while there will not be a lot of change on his part, no situation is completely hopeless.  I am amazed at how difficult it is to sit on my beautifuil porch and try and center myself without my thoughts immediately shifting to him - what he needs, wants, thinks of me.  Is he angry, sad, lacking in some way that I can, nay, MUST  fix?

So you go, Boy!  You are an inspiration to us all!  HCI

[maxsterling]

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.  Last night we went to an al-anon meeting together.  I think it was a good thing, as I feel my wife could certainly benefit from hearing people share.  She was still in a testy mood and made a small criticism of something - I can't remember what it was now.  On the drive home, she asked me about Christmas, and whether we would go visit my parents.  I told her as far as I am concerned, they have not invited us yet, so we may just as well make other plans, and that it's up to my parents to actually invite us and tell us what they are planning if they want us there. She then remarked about how happy that made her, as she was worried about what we would do on Christmas. 

That tells me there are still some issues here:  1) she's putting all her energy into future scenarios, and that's a conversation I can no longer participate in 2) She still has some kind of axe to grind with my family.  Hopefully she will come to a place of acceptance, but I need to work more on being assertive here. 

All in all it feels like the rather cold and mostly silent dysregulation of the past month is weakening.

[maxsterling]

And wow - this morning she texted me a criticism about how she assumed I did not brush my teeth this morning.  I decided to not participate in that kind of conversation and not respond.  An hour later she sent me an apology!    Not sure what is going on here, but my gut is telling me that the little bit of standing up for myself and setting boundaries has helped swing things in a different direction.

My thoughts for others who are struggling:  Boundaries are difficult.  But eventually they become a necessity.  If you can start small, learn to weather and understand the pwBPD's response to the boundary, and keep yourself grounded and patient, it gets easier.  By no means are things "fixed" now, but the past few weeks have told me that I am a strong person, I can set boundaries, and I can deal with whatever her reaction is. 

[123Phoebe]

Yay Max!  Sounds like you're getting pretty comfy with boundaries

On the drive home, she asked me about Christmas, and whether we would go visit my parents.  I told her as far as I am concerned, they have not invited us yet, so we may just as well make other plans, and that it's up to my parents to actually invite us and tell us what they are planning if they want us there.

That tells me there are still some issues here:  1) she's putting all her energy into future scenarios, and that's a conversation I can no longer participate in 2) She still has some kind of axe to grind with my family.  Hopefully she will come to a place of acceptance, but I need to work more on being assertive here. 

I'm having a hard time putting this into words... .

I get what you're saying about it being up to your parents to invite you if they really want you there.  Could it also be true that if you really wanted to spend Christmas with your parents, you could put the wheels in motion to find out what their plans are?

From your past posts, I haven't gotten this kind of vibe or stance from you before concerning your parents and hope this won't drive a wedge between you and your family.

Do you normally spend Christmas together?  In the past, how have holiday gatherings been "planned"?

I might be taking this personally, so please forgive me in laying out my values before you... .

The first year I was married to my ex, a big brouhaha developed at Christmastime with ex's parents.  We were going to have Christmas in our new house.  Ex invited his parents and they accepted.  2 days before Christmas, father-in-law called to say that I was a sorry excuse for a wife for NOT doing the actual inviting and they would not be coming for Christmas blah blah.  All kinds of nasty stuff. 

While I felt hurt, confused and totally dumbfounded and wanted nothing to do with his parents, I took the stance that no matter what, ex would see his parents on Christmas if only for a few minutes.  He did and came back home with a sore throat and raspy voice from yelling so much.  God only knows what all was said over there.

A few months later, ex's dad died of a massive heart attack.

Thank goodness, for HIS sake (ex's sake), that he tried putting things aside and saw his Dad for one last Christmas, even if it was a nightmare.  He doesn't have that guilt to try to work through.  He did try to do the right thing.

Finding the right balance is hard.  One of my values is to try not to live a life of regrets.

I'm sorry for hijacking your thread

[waverider]

Always keep in mind the issue of the day is not that important, not even whether it is resolved or not. It is the whole procedure of how you handle yourself and respond. Learning to do the right thing is more important than getting the result. The issue and result are stand alone and passes, the procedure is learnt and is a developmental stepping stone forward

[formflier]

 

You go Max.  I'm going to start a thread about my most recent personal boundary... .remember the naked picture incident!