Christmas Cheer and dysregulation

[Moselle]

My wife has begun the traditional Christmas dysregulation early this year. I've apparently already stuffed up Chistmas, and she refuses to speak to my parents (because they think she's mad)

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[maxsterling]

One more guarantee in life besides death and taxes - the BPD dysregulation during the holidays.  Good thing my wife is Jewish   So much at play here - pwBPD's stress tolerance on a scale of 1-10 is <1.  Holidays are guaranteed stress.  And then there is the snowball effect, stress in one area tends to let non-stressful things be stressful.  Therefore, being out of milk could be the end of the world .  Holidays mean forced family interactions.  Most people have some issues with their inlaws - pwBPD tend to have major issues not only with inlaws but their FOO.  Then throw in money stress and seasonal depression and you have a whole toxic soup

Be sure to do what ever you can to take care of yourself this tie of year.  Helps to find extra curricular activities away from the pwBPD to give yourself a little head space.     

[ColdEthyl]

Yep... .tis the season to be grouchy... .falalalalala... .lalalala... .

[jedimaster]

My uBPDw declared that this year our family would not be exchanging gifts; instead if anyone wanted to they could make a charitable donation in someone's name.  Otherwise the only gifts would be for our adult son who has intellectual disabilities and still believes in Santa.  And if anyone wanted to give him something it was to come from "Santa," not from an individual.  She did say this was an experiment and if it didn't work we would go back to the usual way next year.  It's kind of odd, but we like the idea of being less materialistic at Christmas, so I was pretty much OK with it.

Only last week she starts bringing in stuff and hiding in our closet.  It turns out she is buying nice, large, rather expensive gifts for all the family!  I don't know if they will be from "Santa," but I'm sure she will find a way to let everyone know where they came from.

I can't even be angry.  It is so pitiful.  I just hurt for her, to realize this 50 year old, attractive, outgoing woman is so emotionally needy and broken that she is orchestrating and manipulating her family's holiday so she is the only person giving gifts.  It's just so sad. 

She sent our son and daughter-in-law a very nice email explaining the "new" tradition.  I'm going to clue them in on the whole story and tell them to do whatever they prefer as far as gift-giving.  I personally don't care one way or the other.  A halfway normal family would be the most priceless gift I could receive this year, but that's the one I'm least likely to get.

[ColdEthyl]

My uBPDw declared that this year our family would not be exchanging gifts; instead if anyone wanted to they could make a charitable donation in someone's name.  Otherwise the only gifts would be for our adult son who has intellectual disabilities and still believes in Santa.  And if anyone wanted to give him something it was to come from "Santa," not from an individual.  She did say this was an experiment and if it didn't work we would go back to the usual way next year.  It's kind of odd, but we like the idea of being less materialistic at Christmas, so I was pretty much OK with it.

Only last week she starts bringing in stuff and hiding in our closet.  It turns out she is buying nice, large, rather expensive gifts for all the family!  I don't know if they will be from "Santa," but I'm sure she will find a way to let everyone know where they came from.

I can't even be angry.  It is so pitiful.  I just hurt for her, to realize this 50 year old, attractive, outgoing woman is so emotionally needy and broken that she is orchestrating and manipulating her family's holiday so she is the only person giving gifts.  It's just so sad. 

She sent our son and daughter-in-law a very nice email explaining the "new" tradition.  I'm going to clue them in on the whole story and tell them to do whatever they prefer as far as gift-giving.  I personally don't care one way or the other.  A halfway normal family would be the most priceless gift I could receive this year, but that's the one I'm least likely to get.

I know what you mean, man. Sometimes it just break your heart to see how they squirrel around trying to get this nut of acceptance... .that they already have but they cannot believe it.

I've just decided that the children and I will celebrate Christmas ourselves, and we will do what we want. He can participate... .or not participate.

[jedimaster]

Good thing my wife is Jewish     

A Jewish friend of ours invited us over to celebrate Hanukkah with her family a couple of years ago.  Her latkes had me ready to convert! 

[123Phoebe]

Yep... .tis the season to be grouchy... .falalalalala... .lalalala... .

[Cat Familiar]

Between seasonal affective disorder, lack of outdoor exercise, loss of family members and friends and we age, numerous holiday obligations, lots of sugar and alcohol, big bills to pay in January, who wouldn't get dysregulated this time of year?

[ColdEthyl]

Between seasonal affective disorder, lack of outdoor exercise, loss of family members and friends and we age, numerous holiday obligations, lots of sugar and alcohol, big bills to pay in January, who wouldn't get dysregulated this time of year?

That's very true. The pressures to get gifts for your loved ones, provide a fabulous meal, decorate your home, etc etc etc. I'm not into Christmas myself anymore. I spend the entire month of December clawing to get every dollar I can to make sure my children have a decent Christmas. I don't enjoy anything until I see their faces on Christmas morning. To be honest the entire holiday has been over commercialized. I totally understand why he doesn't like the season, but I don't have the luxury of hiding away in the bedroom playing video games all day

[Cat Familiar]

The pressures to get gifts for your loved ones, provide a fabulous meal, decorate your home, etc etc etc. I'm not into Christmas myself anymore.

I totally understand why my mother was so burned out on Christmas and I don't even have kids! Ramping up the expectations inevitably leads to disappointment and I just have no interest in doing anything special for Christmas.

I give a few gifts, but it's a challenge to find something really meaningful to give, rather than just more stuff that is unwanted and unneeded. My husband is really difficult to buy for--he's got his own ideas about clothing and anything he wants, he buys for himself.

[downwhim]

Reading this is pretty darn sad. Yes, Christmas is over commercialized. Yes, where I live it is dark and dreary and raining - totally depressing. Hard to be alone this time of year but will not have to deal with dysregulation.  But, for my family I will cook and clean and buy those presents. 

[Moselle]

Thanks for all your responses.

I'm realising that I've allowed my pwBPD to determine my Christmas cheer over this period so far. I'm also realising that it's my choice to allow that, or to have a great time anyway. I'm choosing the second.

[ColdEthyl]

The pressures to get gifts for your loved ones, provide a fabulous meal, decorate your home, etc etc etc. I'm not into Christmas myself anymore.

I totally understand why my mother was so burned out on Christmas and I don't even have kids! Ramping up the expectations inevitably leads to disappointment and I just have no interest in doing anything special for Christmas.

I give a few gifts, but it's a challenge to find something really meaningful to give, rather than just more stuff that is unwanted and unneeded. My husband is really difficult to buy for--he's got his own ideas about clothing and anything he wants, he buys for himself.

Lol Cat! Mine too! He's so picky about his clothes, I don't bother there. His hats have to fit a certain way, the cuffs of a shirt need to lay a certain way and be a certain length, jeans cannot be too long or too short, etc. But we do have some common interests, so I know what art, music and video games he likes. That's all I buy.

Reading this is pretty darn sad. Yes, Christmas is over commercialized. Yes, where I live it is dark and dreary and raining - totally depressing. Hard to be alone this time of year but will not have to deal with dysregulation.  But, for my family I will cook and clean and buy those presents. 

Sorry, downwhim didn;t mean to bring ya down, but just like you I keep on truckin' for them

Thanks for all your responses.

I'm realising that I've allowed my pwBPD to determine my Christmas cheer over this period so far. I'm also realising that it's my choice to allow that, or to have a great time anyway. I'm choosing the second.

Good for you! One of the things we all have to learn with a pwBPD is not letting them steal our joy. It's easy to get sucked into their negativity, but we have to separate ourselves and them from that.

[Cat Familiar]

Lol Cat! Mine too! He's so picky about his clothes, I don't bother there. His hats have to fit a certain way, the cuffs of a shirt need to lay a certain way and be a certain length, jeans cannot be too long or too short, etc. But we do have some common interests, so I know what art, music and video games he likes. That's all I buy.

One of the things we all have to learn with a pwBPD is not letting them steal our joy. It's easy to get sucked into their negativity, but we have to separate ourselves and them from that.

Once I bought him some "work" jeans and you'd think I bought him prison garb--both the idea that he was supposed to work around here--like do yard work like some slave or something as well as the fact that I bought the jeans on sale at Kmart!

And boy, that glum mug of his can really suck the joy out of the room. It's hard to be around that, so I just go outside and work.

[ColdEthyl]

Lol Cat! Mine too! He's so picky about his clothes, I don't bother there. His hats have to fit a certain way, the cuffs of a shirt need to lay a certain way and be a certain length, jeans cannot be too long or too short, etc. But we do have some common interests, so I know what art, music and video games he likes. That's all I buy.

One of the things we all have to learn with a pwBPD is not letting them steal our joy. It's easy to get sucked into their negativity, but we have to separate ourselves and them from that.

Once I bought him some "work" jeans and you'd think I bought him prison garb--both the idea that he was supposed to work around here--like do yard work like some slave or something as well as the fact that I bought the jeans on sale at Kmart!

And boy, that glum mug of his can really suck the joy out of the room. It's hard to be around that, so I just go outside and work.

ROFLMAO! I know! Sometimes his reactions come across like... ."WHAT'S THIS? A BURLAP SACK FOR THE PEASANT?"  He nitpicks about everything, and does nothing... .just like a King would rofl

[MaroonLiquid]

Lol Cat! Mine too! He's so picky about his clothes, I don't bother there. His hats have to fit a certain way, the cuffs of a shirt need to lay a certain way and be a certain length, jeans cannot be too long or too short, etc. But we do have some common interests, so I know what art, music and video games he likes. That's all I buy.

One of the things we all have to learn with a pwBPD is not letting them steal our joy. It's easy to get sucked into their negativity, but we have to separate ourselves and them from that.

Once I bought him some "work" jeans and you'd think I bought him prison garb--both the idea that he was supposed to work around here--like do yard work like some slave or something as well as the fact that I bought the jeans on sale at Kmart!

And boy, that glum mug of his can really suck the joy out of the room. It's hard to be around that, so I just go outside and work.

ROFLMAO! I know! Sometimes his reactions come across like... ."WHAT'S THIS? A BURLAP SACK FOR THE PEASANT?"  He nitpicks about everything, and does nothing... .just like a King would rofl

My wife has always been stressed at Christmas and it was always difficult for her even before we were married.  I have always tried to make Christmas and her birthday special for her because I know it's hard for her.  I have always tried to buy a big gift that she wants and a sentimental one.  This year, I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I bought her something already (small that she'll like) and I have an idea for her big gift and one for her sentimental, but currently she is giving me the silent treatment so not sure yet what to do on those.

[Cat Familiar]

My wife has always been stressed at Christmas and it was always difficult for her even before we were married.  I have always tried to make Christmas and her birthday special for her because I know it's hard for her.  I have always tried to buy a big gift that she wants and a sentimental one.  This year, I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I bought her something already (small that she'll like) and I have an idea for her big gift and one for her sentimental, but currently she is giving me the silent treatment so not sure yet what to do on those.

Oh, you sound like such a kind, supportive husband. I'm sorry she's giving you the silent treatment.   

[MaroonLiquid]

My wife has always been stressed at Christmas and it was always difficult for her even before we were married.  I have always tried to make Christmas and her birthday special for her because I know it's hard for her.  I have always tried to buy a big gift that she wants and a sentimental one.  This year, I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I bought her something already (small that she'll like) and I have an idea for her big gift and one for her sentimental, but currently she is giving me the silent treatment so not sure yet what to do on those.

Oh, you sound like such a kind, supportive husband. I'm sorry she's giving you the silent treatment.   

Thanks.  Growing up, she had 5 brothers and sisters and their dad divorced her mom right after my wife was born and never paid child support, so they didn't have much.  Her first husband never worked and owes almost 40,000 dollars in back child support and won't pay.  So Christmas for her as a kid, she never really go anything, and then her ex husband never got her anything.  And then to top all that off, her first child was still born at Christmas.  So yeah... .I am not trying to make up for all that, but always wanted her to feel special and know that there is a man that does love her and want to make her feel special and to know that she deserves it.  I'm not perfect, but I try.  This Christmas me buying for her is hard because of our separation (all her doing).

[ColdEthyl]

My wife has always been stressed at Christmas and it was always difficult for her even before we were married.  I have always tried to make Christmas and her birthday special for her because I know it's hard for her.  I have always tried to buy a big gift that she wants and a sentimental one.  This year, I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I bought her something already (small that she'll like) and I have an idea for her big gift and one for her sentimental, but currently she is giving me the silent treatment so not sure yet what to do on those.

Oh, you sound like such a kind, supportive husband. I'm sorry she's giving you the silent treatment.   

Thanks.  Growing up, she had 5 brothers and sisters and their dad divorced her mom right after my wife was born and never paid child support, so they didn't have much.  Her first husband never worked and owes almost 40,000 dollars in back child support and won't pay.  So Christmas for her as a kid, she never really go anything, and then her ex husband never got her anything.  And then to top all that off, her first child was still born at Christmas.  So yeah... .I am not trying to make up for all that, but always wanted her to feel special and know that there is a man that does love her and want to make her feel special and to know that she deserves it.  I'm not perfect, but I try.  This Christmas me buying for her is hard because of our separation (all her doing).

That's very thoughtful of you. I think the hardest part of us as nons is when we show our love and support, sometimes that message is not received by our pwBPD. It's invalidating for us. I hope you know when we see this... .we know how caring and thoughtful you are. It's a shame she doesn't. 

[MaroonLiquid]

My wife has always been stressed at Christmas and it was always difficult for her even before we were married.  I have always tried to make Christmas and her birthday special for her because I know it's hard for her.  I have always tried to buy a big gift that she wants and a sentimental one.  This year, I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I bought her something already (small that she'll like) and I have an idea for her big gift and one for her sentimental, but currently she is giving me the silent treatment so not sure yet what to do on those.

Oh, you sound like such a kind, supportive husband. I'm sorry she's giving you the silent treatment.   

Thanks.  Growing up, she had 5 brothers and sisters and their dad divorced her mom right after my wife was born and never paid child support, so they didn't have much.  Her first husband never worked and owes almost 40,000 dollars in back child support and won't pay.  So Christmas for her as a kid, she never really go anything, and then her ex husband never got her anything.  And then to top all that off, her first child was still born at Christmas.  So yeah... .I am not trying to make up for all that, but always wanted her to feel special and know that there is a man that does love her and want to make her feel special and to know that she deserves it.  I'm not perfect, but I try.  This Christmas me buying for her is hard because of our separation (all her doing).

That's very thoughtful of you. I think the hardest part of us as nons is when we show our love and support, sometimes that message is not received by our pwBPD. It's invalidating for us. I hope you know when we see this... .we know how caring and thoughtful you are. It's a shame she doesn't. 

Thank you.  I didn't mean to jack this thread.  Anyway, I watched "When the Game Stands Tall" two nights ago and as a coach, I really appreciated it and it gave me a refreshed attitude.  One term I learned from that movie that I will start using, not only coaching but in my life, is the term "perfect effort".  I've always said it differently (give 100% and never quit), but this means something tangible to me, especially now!  We can't be perfect, but we can give the "perfect effort" every time.  Marriage takes "perfect effort" without a pwBPD or any PD for that matter.  I love her enough to give the "perfect effort".  That's all I can do.  Until she gets help, she won't believe anyone can love her, that she deserves it nor accept it from anyone and I've told her that.

[ColdEthyl]

My wife has always been stressed at Christmas and it was always difficult for her even before we were married.  I have always tried to make Christmas and her birthday special for her because I know it's hard for her.  I have always tried to buy a big gift that she wants and a sentimental one.  This year, I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I bought her something already (small that she'll like) and I have an idea for her big gift and one for her sentimental, but currently she is giving me the silent treatment so not sure yet what to do on those.

Oh, you sound like such a kind, supportive husband. I'm sorry she's giving you the silent treatment.   

Thanks.  Growing up, she had 5 brothers and sisters and their dad divorced her mom right after my wife was born and never paid child support, so they didn't have much.  Her first husband never worked and owes almost 40,000 dollars in back child support and won't pay.  So Christmas for her as a kid, she never really go anything, and then her ex husband never got her anything.  And then to top all that off, her first child was still born at Christmas.  So yeah... .I am not trying to make up for all that, but always wanted her to feel special and know that there is a man that does love her and want to make her feel special and to know that she deserves it.  I'm not perfect, but I try.  This Christmas me buying for her is hard because of our separation (all her doing).

That's very thoughtful of you. I think the hardest part of us as nons is when we show our love and support, sometimes that message is not received by our pwBPD. It's invalidating for us. I hope you know when we see this... .we know how caring and thoughtful you are. It's a shame she doesn't. 

Thank you.  I didn't mean to jack this thread.  Anyway, I watched "When the Game Stands Tall" two nights ago and as a coach, I really appreciated it and it gave me a refreshed attitude.  One term I learned from that movie that I will start using, not only coaching but in my life, is the term "perfect effort".  I've always said it differently (give 100% and never quit), but this means something tangible to me, especially now!  We can't be perfect, but we can give the "perfect effort" every time.  Marriage takes "perfect effort" without a pwBPD or any PD for that matter.  I love her enough to give the "perfect effort".  That's all I can do.  Until she gets help, she won't believe anyone can love her, that she deserves it nor accept it from anyone and I've told her that.

And THAT is all you can do.

[SeaShellz]

I'm stuck spending the holidays with my BPDbf and his uBPD mother. She's already had her husband put up 2 trees just to throw a fit about their imperfection and force him to take them down, screamed about all the clutter in and around the house, and put up a tiny tree which was immediately posted to Facebook for her pity party. She's 48 yrs old. The house is filled with animals and she continues to collect more and more. Her son (my BF) has not started his usual Christmas chaos... .he waits til the last minute or when his mom steps out of the spotlight. I was so sad and lost without him but now that we have been reunited and back together for a month or so... .I don't know what I've done. I love him with all my heart and I still think he's a good person who feels that I have his heart but WOW!

[formflier]

Moselle,

What kind of Christmas have you decided to have?  I hope you get people more than one gift.

Note:  Don't fight with her over this... .just do you values... .if she announces that you didn't listen to her... .be confused... .apologetic... say that you thought she was talking about herself and not you.

Let her ramble on...

Then... .ask for help understanding what the compromise is about Christmas.

Tell her that you understand her position... .see if she can restate your position and offer a possible compromise.

Remember... .don't invalidate... .don't validate the invalid

[janey62]

I'm already dreading Christmas... .  My family are all far away and I can't spend it with them so I'm stuck here with Mr Grumpy!  And he's about to unravel... .

I bought a real potted    the other day and it's been standing out in the garden soaking up the cold and rain and fresh air waiting for this weekend when we would bring it in and decorate it.  I felt for it today as it got hauled in and dumped unceremoniously in the corner.  It was meant to be a happy thing, decorating the tree together, but for some reason he woke up in a mood today and when I said good morning, how are you, he growled that he wasn't awake yet... .

I know when this happens that the day is going to go from bad to worse.  I lay there for a bit looking at his back, tried cuddling him but was ignored and then decided to get up and go for a long walk with my dogs. I wished in that moment that there was some magic thing I could have said or done to turn the day around, but I don't know what that is and it's so easy to make it worse.  When he wakes up like that it's best if I just leave him alone to sort it out for himself.

When I got back he was tidying... .Later on after hours of silence and tension I asked if I'd upset him in some way and he said, 'no, no more than usual' in a very flat voice.  He's been having a difficult time lately and I feel for him, but what about me!  I've been having a hard time too... .Sometimes I envy him the ability to just be angry, nasty, shouty, mean, cold, uncaring and ultimately reckless with our relationship... .I wouldn't dream of such risky behaviour, instead I swallow it down and it is reabsorbed and burns in my guts... .       I'll be able to tell him how it is for me later, much later, but he's always so sad and sorry that I can't bear to see him suffer so I mostly keep it to myself, until I just can't.

I decided to say nothing and just got on with decorating the tree by myself.  He then announced that he was going out and left.

Lately we've been working things out really well, but days like this set me back to feeling sad and tired and frustrated.  Think I will phone a friend for a chat and try to feel better.   

[formflier]

 

Have you tried laying on some heavy validation? 

So... instead of asking him if he is upset with you... .ask... ."what are you feeling... ?"  stay open ended.

Listen... .validate what  you can.

[Cat Familiar]

Later on after hours of silence and tension I asked if I'd upset him in some way and he said, 'no, no more than usual' in a very flat voice.  He's been having a difficult time lately and I feel for him, but what about me!  I've been having a hard time too... .Sometimes I envy him the ability to just be angry, nasty, shouty, mean, cold, uncaring and ultimately reckless with our relationship... .I wouldn't dream of such risky behaviour, instead I swallow it down and it is reabsorbed and burns in my guts... .       I'll be able to tell him how it is for me later, much later, but he's always so sad and sorry that I can't bear to see him suffer so I mostly keep it to myself, until I just can't... .Lately we've been working things out really well, but days like this set me back to feeling sad and tired and frustrated.  Think I will phone a friend for a chat and try to feel better.   

Janey,   

I totally understand. It is so frustrating to be on the receiving end of such unkindness. The level of narcissism that pwBPD have when they're in a bad mood astounds me. My BPDh can be so self-absorbed and just looking for me to be less than perfect in my facial expression, voice tone, how I string together a sentence... .yet he feels so free to be a total $$hole--it's so hypocritical!

[downwhim]

What I found with my ex BPD is I did a lot alone so he could think about his behavior or calm down from a rage. So, you put up the tree yourself, you walk the dogs and he takes off. It all sounds very familiar. Separate, reunite and try to talk. No ownership, no responsibility and I would be left with the question now what, or what is left of this. Another day of walking on eggshells.