Using Tools to Improve the situation

[Ripped Heart]

So I woke up this morning to a text from gf

"I'm feeling stressed and uncomfortable about the Christmas plans. I need to down scale it all x"

Not entirely sure how best to respond to that in a way that is validating and reassuring but at the same time not adding to her feelings? Any suggestions around how SET is best used in this situation?

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[waverider]

So I woke up this morning to a text from gf

"I'm feeling stressed and uncomfortable about the Christmas plans. I need to down scale it all x"

Not entirely sure how best to respond to that in a way that is validating and reassuring but at the same time not adding to her feelings? Any suggestions around how SET is best used in this situation?

Validating=ask further questions eg what aspects are causing stress? What would she like to change? what would make her feel more comfortable

Reassuring= Confirming that you are happy to take her concerns on board and dont expect her to do anything she is uncomfortable with.

Two aspects here. she is flagging she is nervous... The BPD causes her to jump to the conclusion the sky is going to fall in if she doesn't cancel/drastically change plans. The second is not always the answer to the first. So explore the first without jumping to change the second. Put the second on the back burner and discuss the nervous feeling.

My partner is like this all the time with plans being made/cancelled/remade/cancelled again/ modified/upsized/downsized/cancelled. This comes from not being able to process all aspects in parallel and make a balanced conclusion. Instead the pros and cons come as isolated thoughts in series with the extreme solutions immediately announced. There is no balanced decision making.

Trying to stay in sync and provide plans to meet these needs drives you insane.

[Ripped Heart]

Many thanks waverider,

I responded this morning, started by letting her know I care about her and how she feels. That it must be a really difficult time for her right now with all the plans around the holidays and that I was sorry to hear the plans were making her feel stressed.

I finished by asking what would make her feel more comfortable in terms of downscaling.

Not had a response back and not sent her any further texts today, don't want to push the subject. It's frustrating because the plans include my daughter so I'm feeling for her right now because I can't give her an answer to what is going on, likewise I haven't told her anything about what is happening right now either.

I would have to agree with your assessment about isolated thoughts. Given the conversation we had last night and the time she sent the text this morning, also no response through the day so i guess she will respond when she gets around to it. For now I have my own things planned tonight so will get on with those instead of overthinking the situation. Again, many thanks for the advice waverider, it's greatly appreciated.

RH

[Ripped Heart]

So given the text I sent this morning, not a single response to it. I didn't bite today, didn't chase this up and didn't call her tonight which I think may have caught her off guard a little.

Received a text a short time ago to say she was off to bed. I responded to it short and sweet, told her good night and sweet dreams. Hope she had a wonderful day today and that tomorrow is a nice one for her too.

Again, not pushing the issue as Waverider enlightened me on another post that it's about what they are feeling in the moment, so just stuck with this moment. Given what I've learned over the past few days from the help and advice on this site, I think the text was just to see if I'm still here. Also thanks to Waverider on a previous post, where I may have considered not responding given that she never responded to my previous text, I acknowledge this is the illness and not her and by doing that I wouldn't have been fair to her either.

Now my question changes slightly. Given that I'm addressing the moment and haven't had a response from what is happening. In peoples opinions and experience, is it better not to chase the situation and let it unfold in it's own time or should I approach it again possibly tomorrow? From what Waverider says below, I kind of get the impression that tomorrow she might feel like everything is fine again and give one response but then on Monday, for example, it could be totally different again.

[waverider]

So given the text I sent this morning, not a single response to it. I didn't bite today, didn't chase this up and didn't call her tonight which I think may have caught her off guard a little.

Received a text a short time ago to say she was off to bed. I responded to it short and sweet, told her good night and sweet dreams. Hope she had a wonderful day today and that tomorrow is a nice one for her too.

Again, not pushing the issue as Waverider enlightened me on another post that it's about what they are feeling in the moment, so just stuck with this moment. Given what I've learned over the past few days from the help and advice on this site, I think the text was just to see if I'm still here. Also thanks to Waverider on a previous post, where I may have considered not responding given that she never responded to my previous text, I acknowledge this is the illness and not her and by doing that I wouldn't have been fair to her either.

Now my question changes slightly. Given that I'm addressing the moment and haven't had a response from what is happening. In peoples opinions and experience, is it better not to chase the situation and let it unfold in it's own time or should I approach it again possibly tomorrow? From what Waverider says below, I kind of get the impression that tomorrow she might feel like everything is fine again and give one response but then on Monday, for example, it could be totally different again.

What is the default action if you dont raise it and she doesn't raise it? 

Things proceed as originally planned, no change no further drama.

If today, or tomorrow, she is still concerned you have left the door open for her to discuss what she what like.

I am a firm believer in leaving the default mode the one with the least drama and inconvenience to you, no need to invite a potential a non issue onto center stage.

Often the fact that you listened to her concerns and acknowledged them without being defensive will be reassurance enough. Sometimes it wont. Assume the best unless told otherwise.

Xmas is still a week away, still time for her to change her mind at least another 10 times yet

[waverider]

By the way Xmas arrangements can often be stressful enough to make even the most sane amonst  start acting like we have personality disorders  

[Ripped Heart]

The reaction depends on how she is feeling. Sometimes I can communicate to her, other times she gets upset and says she feels funny. I think in this situation leaving things as they are is the best option. Not so much about the inconvenience to me but rather if she is gradually getting back up, I don't want to put that extra pressure on her.

This month has been particularly stressful for her anyway, she struggles with money, has ideas above her means as presents for her kids and gets into a cycle all by herself with the stress of it all. One of my thoughts was that it's very stressful for most people at this time of year, even the thought of the plans we have sounds too much in just a few short days, so I can imagine how she is feeling about that.

As for your comment about changing multiple times over the week, I can attest to that. It's been quite the rollercoaster over the past week and I guess for me it's my anxiety as there are set things in place. So yeah, 10 - 15 more changes to come 

It was weird today, as I said this morning, this was the first day I was taking a step back, had plans of my own and just focussed on what I needed to do. Partly to take my mind off things and also to stop me from pushing. As a result, she was the one who reached out tonight so I do see that as a positive step forward. I think part of the thinking is also down to my anxiety. I've been in this situation before where the outcome ended badly, mainly because I was ill equipped to deal with that. I have to remember, she is a different person to my previous experience and I shouldn't categorise her in the same way. That accountability does fall on me.

[waverider]

An analogy:

Wonderful colors can be made by carefully mixing pigments. Add too many pigments and it starts to turn poo brown. From then on no matter how much pigment you add you wont get poo brown back to a rosy pink. The more you try the worse it gets.

The moral here is less is better, meddling too much can create an overloaded and confusing mess whereby it is hard to work what causes what effect... its just all poo like.