Not my Fantasy Father

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am still very new a this.  I have read through Stop walking on egg shells, and took many many notes.  I learned so much about myself and BPD.  Now that I have info I want to work on applying.  I know it is not a over night fix.  My Father who is the BPD Borderlion is soo abusive.  I am seeing that I need to learn about no contact or low contact. It is only been a few months ago that BPD knowledge has come into my life.  I am soo grateful.  A month ago I was in a down mood, with alot on my plate and he was pushing pushing, so I said you want to know why I am so unhappy around you.  And I spilled the beans.  Told him about sexual abuse in the past.  Ok so I stopped by Tuesday and he blow up out of no where.  He told me I was weak and a liar and that I deserved to be sexually abused, even though he doesn't believe it.  Then he said what did he (a very nasty word) to you.  And I said gross I am not telling you the details.  He asked why and I said because you wouldn't believe me anyway.  Then he went on and on about how I am no good and living in the past and swimming around in the mud puddle.  He ever said I look old.  Which I am only 32 and do not look old.  He was giving me the whole I need to get rid of stress and stop homeschooling my kids and get a real job.(Which I work part time cleaning homes).  The craziness goes on.  During this.  I tried to be calm, but tears were flowing because I was crushed that he didn't believe I was sexually assaulted.  And I didn't say you, you, you.  Then he said I need to leave and pushed me.  So on the way home I told myself that all the was his, and it wasn't about me.  I talked to my husband and he was very supportive.  I really see very clearly damage in me from this, with both parents having BPD and never having love, kindness or understanding support.  I told my husband no wonder I struggle to open up and trust.  I was never safe and never allowed.  I am so glad to have hope to be free from that.  A dear friend told me that he will never be the Father that I have in my mind.  Thinking next time it will be different, next conversation he will say I am sorry.  That is truly a fantasy.  He even said I don't know you anymore.  Honestly he never did he just couldn't.  I tried to tell him I am not living in the past, I am reflecting on past events to help me break unhealthy patterns in my life.  Boy that made no since to him.  I guess it is like trying to explain E=MC2 to an toddler.  I am not the person he paints me to be and it is so frustrating that he can not see that.  My Mother I have no contact with, that one is easier because she is a 52 year old drug addict.  But with my Father there is a tie there.  I feel like I need him financially if something where to go wrong.  He has always used money to control me and my brother.  It was never emotional support, if he hurt us bad then he would give us 20 or something like that.  I need more work in this area...

[Shameful]

I am still very new a this.  I have read through Stop walking on egg shells, and took many many notes.  I learned so much about myself and BPD.  Now that I have info I want to work on applying.  I know it is not a over night fix.  My Father who is the BPD Borderlion is soo abusive.  I am seeing that I need to learn about no contact or low contact. It is only been a few months ago that BPD knowledge has come into my life.  I am soo grateful.  A month ago I was in a down mood, with alot on my plate and he was pushing pushing, so I said you want to know why I am so unhappy around you.  And I spilled the beans.  Told him about sexual abuse in the past.  Ok so I stopped by Tuesday and he blow up out of no where.  He told me I was weak and a liar and that I deserved to be sexually abused, even though he doesn't believe it.  Then he said what did he (a very nasty word) to you.  And I said gross I am not telling you the details.  He asked why and I said because you wouldn't believe me anyway.  Then he went on and on about how I am no good and living in the past and swimming around in the mud puddle.  He ever said I look old.  Which I am only 32 and do not look old.  He was giving me the whole I need to get rid of stress and stop homeschooling my kids and get a real job.(Which I work part time cleaning homes).  The craziness goes on.  During this.  I tried to be calm, but tears were flowing because I was crushed that he didn't believe I was sexually assaulted.  And I didn't say you, you, you.  Then he said I need to leave and pushed me.  So on the way home I told myself that all the was his, and it wasn't about me.  I talked to my husband and he was very supportive.  I really see very clearly damage in me from this, with both parents having BPD and never having love, kindness or understanding support.  I told my husband no wonder I struggle to open up and trust.  I was never safe and never allowed.  I am so glad to have hope to be free from that.  A dear friend told me that he will never be the Father that I have in my mind.  Thinking next time it will be different, next conversation he will say I am sorry.  That is truly a fantasy.  He even said I don't know you anymore.  Honestly he never did he just couldn't.  I tried to tell him I am not living in the past, I am reflecting on past events to help me break unhealthy patterns in my life.  Boy that made no since to him.  I guess it is like trying to explain E=MC2 to an toddler.  I am not the person he paints me to be and it is so frustrating that he can not see that.  My Mother I have no contact with, that one is easier because she is a 52 year old drug addict.  But with my Father there is a tie there.  I feel like I need him financially if something where to go wrong.  He has always used money to control me and my brother.  It was never emotional support, if he hurt us bad then he would give us 20 or something like that.  I need more work in this area...

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Dear Shameful,

I am so sorry you went through all the your whole life. I know how you feel. You are not wrong, or crazy, or anything else they say you are. You are trying to become a healthy person. The 2 people who should have cared for you are clearly not.

I had to go through a long grieving process for the mother and the sister that I always thought would be there if only I could do things the " right    "  way... the way they said I should be.

Well the BPD way of looking at things is twisted. The reason we are impacted so deeply is because it it rains down on us at a very young and vulnerable age... .the age when we are just developing attachment and trust.

I hope you will get many replies here, because you are new and you are trying.

Keep us posted with your progress, your insights and your questions,even if they are small things. Sometimes it is good to hear from new ones more often as they work thru stuff.

We all understand here

[Kwamina]

Hi Shameful

He told me I was weak and a liar and that I deserved to be sexually abused, even though he doesn't believe it.  Then he said what did he (a very nasty word) to you.  And I said gross I am not telling you the details.  He asked why and I said because you wouldn't believe me anyway.  Then he went on and on about how I am no good and living in the past and swimming around in the mud puddle.  He ever said I look old.  Which I am only 32 and do not look old.  He was giving me the whole I need to get rid of stress and stop homeschooling my kids and get a real job.(Which I work part time cleaning homes).  The craziness goes on.  :)uring this.  I tried to be calm, but tears were flowing because I was crushed that he didn't believe I was sexually assaulted.  And I didn't say you, you, you.  Then he said I need to leave and pushed me.  So on the way home I told myself that all the was his, and it wasn't about me.

The way your father reacted to you was very hurtful and totally invalidating. It isn't easy at all to cope with being treated this way by your own father. I am very encouraged by the last part of the above quote though. You are absolutely right that whatever your father says or does, isn't a reflection of who you truly are. He is just projecting his own inner chaos, insecurities and negativity onto you. I am also very pleased that your husband is so supportive of you, having a solid support network can greatly help as you deal with a BPD parent and all the damage that has been caused to you.

I really see very clearly damage in me from this, with both parents having BPD and never having love, kindness or understanding support.  I told my husband no wonder I struggle to open up and trust.  I was never safe and never allowed.  I am so glad to have hope to be free from that.  A dear friend told me that he will never be the Father that I have in my mind.  Thinking next time it will be different, next conversation he will say I am sorry.  That is truly a fantasy.

Letting go of the fantasy parent is something I found very hard myself and still find myself struggling with at times. You could say that this is a mourning process in which you mourn the loss of the fantasy parent you never had yet still might long for. In this mourning process you'll have to accept the reality of who you're father really is and that he will probably never be the father you always needed and longed for. Do you feel like you have accepted the reality of who your father is and are able to let go of the fantasy father?

I tried to tell him I am not living in the past, I am reflecting on past events to help me break unhealthy patterns in my life.  Boy that made no since to him.  I guess it is like trying to explain E=MC2 to an toddler.  I am not the person he paints me to be and it is so frustrating that he can not see that.

I understand your frustration here. Perhaps the following information might be insightful to you:

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

We need to accept that a pwBPD doesn’t think the same way we do... .A pwBPD and a non speak different languages.  When the person with BPD is triggered, they express themselves from a position of pure emotions and primitive defenses. There is no logic to what they are feeling, which is why they have trouble articulating and expressing themselves. Often, even they don’t know why or where the feelings are coming from.  

We, on the other hand, try to approach the situation from a logical staNPDoint.  We believe that if we can just find the right words or phrases, that our argument/words will suddenly make sense to the BP and the fight will end.  We might as well be speaking Polish to them though, since they are in an emotional state and we are defending with logic.

The more we try to explain and defend ourselves, the worse things actually become.

... .

They are emotional - we are logical. Two different attempts to communicate.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Kwamina,


Great quotes... .

Psychological  murder or soul murder... .that is so heavy but so true .

We really do speak different languages, don't we?

I am a logical thinker and they are emotional feelers. You need a thinking mind to remember events correctly, too. Example: 2 people are given a sequence of 7 words to remember in order. person 1 is sitting quietly in a nice comfy chair. Person 2 is having his big toe hit repeatedly with a hammer.  Which one will be able to think of the 7 words in order?

When I began to detach myself emotionally from the communication drama,  and in the moment see them as a hurt and raging child it made it easier for me to respond in a different way.

AJ Mahari talks about the angry and abandoned child within the BP. I knew my maternal grandmother and can see she was BP. M uBPDm  always felt abandoned by her cold,distant mother. My mom reinforced BPD behaviors in my sister... .so  for me it was important to see this connection  so as to find even greater emotional distance from their behaviour.

[Ziggiddy]

Oh shameful

What a sad terrible experience you have had. And not just in the first place where you were, as sparrow says raised by parents who failed you so miserably, and not just in the second place where you were molested but also as you tried to tell your father about what happened to you. What a cruel horrible response.

Unfortunately it is not uncommon for parents to deny that these things happened but this seems a particularly mean way to treat you.

I am also sorry that you are having to face that he is not now nor probably ever was a fantasy father. nor is it likely he will ever be.

it is painful and grieving to discover I know.

I also know how easy it is to believe it is somehow your fault. That it has something to do with you - it's not your fault and it has nothing to do with you. No one ever has the right to be rude or cruel to any human being even less the people who are supposed to care for you and love you.

You say it's easier to tell what to do with your mother but I sure guess it's just as painful.

I am sorry for you shameful. I hope you can really take some time to care for yourself and work on understanding that abuse is not the fault of the abused. It is ALWAYS the fault of the abuser. ALWAYS.

I really hope you will read the survivor guide which is just to the right of the page -------->

Please keep posting too. i treally helps to get all the pain and outrage out

Ziggiddy

[Shameful]

Thank you all so much for your support and words of wisdom.  Things do feel very heavy and a bit overwhelming with the flood of emotions coming through as I see this through adult eyes and what has happened to me throughout childhood.  It's those tastes of normal behavior that kept that false hope alive! I am glad to have information to see things in a clear light. I am ready and willing to mourn this false idea, I no longer want to feed this lie.  Knowledge is power and I know as I learn to apply this things will get a little more stable.  But now as in the beginning of new adventures it is very rocky.  I have been reading Understanding the borderline mother.  I read the role of the witch last night.  I read in this book about "soul murder" to so I am familiar with the expression. Where victims of soul murder only feel alive when suffering or while influencing suffering.  The part where it said that daughters of witch mothers annihilates others so they no longer exist in her mind, and the child asks out with self hatred to reinforce the mothers perception.   That was our relationship.  My mother would come and go away for years at a time.  Before leaving saying we were driving her crazy, or that she was going to get a pack of smokes.  I had to protect my Brother from her and stood up to her when I was 19.  I felt like from that day she no longer had power over me, but I guess that isn't the case.  I still feel intense guilt and shame that the witch mother uses.  And I a couple months ago feel into the false hope of her being a loving mother.  But come to find out she is getting ready to be homeless and she was fishing for a home.  I see how this has affected me and my relationships.  I do not let anyone to close.  Can not trust them with my love and emotions.  And the pretend world of everything is OK that I walk around in for my protection.  "Children learn with witch mothers to hide there feelings and everything they love to survive."  Thank you again for your support and wisdom.  Please anything that would help me on this journey I am more than willing to learn, and repair!  Thank you.