Did your exBPD hold everything they did for you over your head?

[Deeno02]

I think a lot of this behaviour is about their imahe and not about us. They have a need to show themselves as geeat at everything. The perfect person. Even though we wnd up getting put down its not about us as always its about them.

Uq

its not only us they do it wit. They do it with family, friends and work colleagues.

I think a lot of it is showing the world how great they are. They have to keep the act going for everyone, including themselves. Kinda like the Wizard of Oz. Almighty wizard until you look behind the curtain, then you see a scared mean little person. Once they let us see behind the curtain they have to paint us black to save their fantasy of being perfect.

I was started to being devaluated from the moment I saw behind that curtain. I didn't know anything about BPD back then and I tried to help her. I convinced her to see a therapist but then there were so many triggers. I had become a trigger myself. She would ask me: Will you love me after that? What if I don't be so childish?

I was also afraid myself of this. That she might change. I was trying to support her by flowers, gifts etc. But afterwards we broke up. During a last conversation with her she told me that I hadn't done certain things to make her feel that I cared. And if I really have loved her, I would have thought of them.

I gave my whole self to her. I also don't think that I will trust anyone so much. I feel so sorry, even now 4.5 months later.

I hear ya Alex. That stuff came flying out at me at the final rage. I was shocked by those very same words. Still second guessing myself, but jeez Im so much better now. Im finally getting there.

[Xidion]

I think a lot of this behaviour is about their imahe and not about us. They have a need to show themselves as geeat at everything. The perfect person. Even though we wnd up getting put down its not about us as always its about them.

Uq

its not only us they do it wit. They do it with family, friends and work colleagues.

I think a lot of it is showing the world how great they are. They have to keep the act going for everyone, including themselves. Kinda like the Wizard of Oz. Almighty wizard until you look behind the curtain, then you see a scared mean little person. Once they let us see behind the curtain they have to paint us black to save their fantasy of being perfect.

I was started to being devaluated from the moment I saw behind that curtain. I didn't know anything about BPD back then and I tried to help her. I convinced her to see a therapist but then there were so many triggers. I had become a trigger myself. She would ask me: Will you love me after that? What if I don't be so childish?

I was also afraid myself of this. That she might change. I was trying to support her by flowers, gifts etc. But afterwards we broke up. During a last conversation with her she told me that I hadn't done certain things to make her feel that I cared. And if I really have loved her, I would have thought of them.

I gave my whole self to her. I also don't think that I will trust anyone so much. I feel so sorry, even now 4.5 months later.

I brought her home flowers,  cooked her dinner,  bought her things,  took her on a date once a week... .all to be told that I don't make her feel special.

[earthgirl]

YES.  YES.  A thousand times, YES.

And the most frustrating thing has been this:  he is only willing to help when the help is HIS idea.  Which is not great.  Because 9 times out of 10, I don't want/need help with the thing he decides to help with, but then I am reminded of it/obligated by it.  The flip side of this equation is that I absolutely, positively, unequivocally, canNOT ask for help.  He becomes immediately resentful, sullen, accuses me of being dependent on him, etc.  It doesn't matter how seldom I ask for help (and believe me, I had to learn the hard way, not to ask for any kind of help unless there is truly no alternative.) 

This goes not only for things that need to be done, but also when it comes to leveling with him emotionally, getting emotional support.  Forget it.  Yes, he is capable of sympathy.  Empathy?  No.  Sometimes when I am not doing a good enough job of hiding that I am upset, he might ask, "What's wrong?"  But it's a big mistake to actually tell him, because he will listen to my problem but instead of offering something supportive or validating, he will say, "Why are you dumping all your angst on me?"  Or "You are involving me in your stuff" or my all-time favorite:  "Maybe you could try being less honest with me."

[Loveofhislife]

Really interested in EnlightenMe's response as well as others--they're trying to show everyone they are perfect. In my final "text battle" that was 10 weeks after abandonment, he was telling me all the things I had done wrong in the relationship. I responded, "I'm not perfect; no one is, neither are you." Deafening silence. Someone in there--whatever schema it might be, believes their own lies.

[Deeno02]

4 months out and still feel like i couldnt do anything right.

[Moselle]

Because theres something wrong with us as well.

Like the dudes rowing the boat to the drummer. Steady beat (things are normal) until its battle time. The speed of the drumming picks up as does the rowing. However, if you tire or get burnt out, you're whipped. Who needs that crap in their life? Seriously... .

Yes I agree.  It took me a long time to realise the role I played in the toxic dynamic. And it is quite confronting to understand the roles of caretaker or co-dependent when we play them. Recovery is possible and it's a daily challenge to do so.

I also recognise the imagery of the rowers. Fall behind slightly, get tired - any deviation from perfection and they whip us.

What I have realised and did not know before is that we have a choice to be whipped or not. And when we choose not to, or walk away from the anger,  we are saying. "No that's not acceptable." If we stay in the conflict  and participate in the whipping,  they've won the battle.

[Leaving]

Because theres something wrong with us as well.

Like the dudes rowing the boat to the drummer. Steady beat (things are normal) until its battle time. The speed of the drumming picks up as does the rowing. However, if you tire or get burnt out, you're whipped. Who needs that crap in their life? Seriously... .

Yes I agree.  It took me a long time to realise the role I played in the toxic dynamic. And it is quite confronting to understand the roles of caretaker or co-dependent when we play them. Recovery is possible and it's a daily challenge to do so.

I also recognise the imagery of the rowers. Fall behind slightly, get tired - any deviation from perfection and they whip us.

What I have realised and did not know before is that we have a choice to be whipped or not. And when we choose not to, or walk away from the anger,  we are saying. "No that's not acceptable." If we stay in the conflict  and participate in the whipping,  they've won the battle.

Moselle, regarding choice, it was near impossible for me to avoid conflict because if I did, my husband would get angry that I wasn't getting angry.  It was just that simple.  My husband uses me to express his anger and I won't go there with him but I know that he will then become even more angry- bordering on psychosis.  It was always a no-win for me.  The de-escalation practices that I was taught by my abuse counselors did not work in my situation.  I had to 'shock' my husband in order to make him stop and get on a different thinking tract.  For example, when he was baiting me and badgering me, I would suddenly shout, ' Oh my gosh!  I think I left something on the stove' and then I would run out of the room and by the time I got back, he was calm and didn't even want to pursue any conservation.  So far, this has worked every time.

[Moselle]

Moselle, regarding choice, it was near impossible for me to avoid conflict because if I did, my husband would get angry that I wasn't getting angry.  It was just that simple.  My husband uses me to express his anger and I won't go there with him but I know that he will then become even more angry- bordering on psychosis.  It was always a no-win for me.  The de-escalation practices that I was taught by my abuse counselors did not work in my situation.  I had to 'shock' my husband in order to make him stop and get on a different thinking tract.  For example, when he was baiting me and badgering me, I would suddenly shout, ' Oh my gosh!  I think I left something on the stove' and then I would run out of the room and by the time I got back, he was calm and didn't even want to pursue any conservation.  So far, this has worked every time.

Leaving, I think you are so strong. It takes real courage to face the abuse and create and escape system that works - well done! I gather from your name that you've chosen to leave your situation. How have you gotten to that point?

[Leaving]

Moselle, regarding choice, it was near impossible for me to avoid conflict because if I did, my husband would get angry that I wasn't getting angry.  It was just that simple.  My husband uses me to express his anger and I won't go there with him but I know that he will then become even more angry- bordering on psychosis.  It was always a no-win for me.  The de-escalation practices that I was taught by my abuse counselors did not work in my situation.  I had to 'shock' my husband in order to make him stop and get on a different thinking tract.  For example, when he was baiting me and badgering me, I would suddenly shout, ' Oh my gosh!  I think I left something on the stove' and then I would run out of the room and by the time I got back, he was calm and didn't even want to pursue any conservation.  So far, this has worked every time.

Leaving, I think you are so strong. It takes real courage to face the abuse and create and escape system that works - well done! I gather from your name that you've chosen to leave your situation. How have you gotten to that point?

Hi Moselle,

Thank you for the encouragement.  I'm getting stronger every day but it's SO HARD!

Oh yes, I am leaving. It's not easy still living at home because my husband vacillates from denial to spewing hateful ugly accusations at me.   Up and down all the time.   My husband isn't always here and I'm not always here either which makes life a bit more bearable while I'm trying to remain as independent as possible from him.  We own a business together so that keeps us hinged for now.  I'm also at the mercy of my financial situation and the economy--unemployed and broke.  Even so, I'm still able to imagine myself being alone in a new home one day soon.  I believe everything happens for a reason and happens when it is the right time. Soon, I hope!

I've ridden the roller coaster of stay-leave and suffered all the anger and compassion and sympathy and empathy for my very disturbed husband until I finally reached the point where I can't even imagine staying anymore.  I accept him as he is and know there isn't anything I can do to help him.  He's got family- a very enabling one at that so, I'm sure he'll survive.  Enuff is enuff is enuff! I can't go on, I can't go on anymore no!  ( wasn't that a Donna Summer song?)

[Moselle]

Hi Moselle,

Thank you for the encouragement.  I'm getting stronger every day but it's SO HARD!

Oh yes, I am leaving. It's not easy still living at home because my husband vacillates from denial to spewing hateful ugly accusations at me.   Up and down all the time.   My husband isn't always here and I'm not always here either which makes life a bit more bearable while I'm trying to remain as independent as possible from him.  We own a business together so that keeps us hinged for now.  I'm also at the mercy of my financial situation and the economy--unemployed and broke.  Even so, I'm still able to imagine myself being alone in a new home one day soon.  I believe everything happens for a reason and happens when it is the right time. Soon, I hope!

I've ridden the roller coaster of stay-leave and suffered all the anger and compassion and sympathy and empathy for my very disturbed husband until I finally reached the point where I can't even imagine staying anymore.  I accept him as he is and know there isn't anything I can do to help him.  He's got family- a very enabling one at that so, I'm sure he'll survive.  Enuff is enuff is enuff! I can't go on, I can't go on anymore no!  ( wasn't that a Donna Summer song?)

Yes it is hard. Hang in there There is lots of happiness ahead