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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: A very hard day...  (Read 606 times)
Mr.Downtrodden
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134


« on: December 16, 2014, 10:57:28 AM »

Today is my BPDexgf's kid's birthday.  One year old.

I was torn whether or not I should have sent them a card. I did not in the end.

She has not contacted me since a brief e-mail 4 months ago which I replied to in kind.  She never responded.  I, in turn,  have not contacted her and have been off all social media.

She really did a number on me, and i am trying to be strong, but days like today, and the holidays are really doing their best to make me break down.  I am beside myself, wanting to send an e-mail birthday greeting before the day is through, but fighting it.  I really do miss her despite everything.

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peiper
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2014, 11:15:48 AM »

I wouldn't. For one thing a one year old isn't old enough to understand and you probably wouldn't get a reply from the ex. Plus it would put her back in control.
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Inside
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Posts: 604



« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2014, 12:37:09 PM »

I agree with Peiper, the child would not understand.  As I continue to learn about BPD, we appear to mean more to a BPex when we’re away than with them.  They can’t live up to our commitment or expectations, and will actually devalue us for ‘wanting them,’ it’s only when we’re gone that we’re actually wanted, or appreciated…  Weird stuff, and difficult to explain.  

Though constantly twisted within their minds so as to live with the guilt of having abused us, they know it was them … though enhanced interrogation couldn’t extract that admission   They live in shame, and loving contact from us reminds them of that, of what they had - and ruined.  There’s always the chance they’re open for another connection, and most of their r/s’s seem to have no closure for that reason, to leave open the possibility of a future reconnect or attachment.

I did that ... .multiple times, until finally figuring out that repeating the same behavior while expecting a different result was making me crazy … she already was…  Well, we ignore/d a lot of crazy, focusing on what we wanted.  They provide that, or the illusion, as long as they can.  But it’s unsustainable, because, for the most part, it’s fake… it’s a performance that burns them out.  And after they’re spent - we’re blamed.  No win.

We had our dreams, but we needed a partner that was capable of matching them with reality.  Our abilities and dreams included falling in love with those closest to our BP partners.  And though it now feels like we lost everything ... .we never really had it…  I miss mine’s mother, brothers, son, and a couple of honest friends.  But we were all, including her, victims of a disorder that appears a life sentence.  Those closest to my exBPmate have watched her pattern repeat many times ... .I’ll not likely be the last.  It eventually became too painful for me to experience more than I had.  And, time is healing.  

We must remove ourselves, and it’s Hell.  But it’s a lot like growing up… there’s some ugly stuff out there and it’s gonna take all we’ve got to endure.  This is some of that stuff.  You’re not alone, though it can sure feel like it.  Keep looking for the good stuff … (I’m told) it’s out there too Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Deeno02
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« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2014, 12:49:13 PM »

It is rough. Been over 4 months for me and yes I miss her and yes I miss her 5 kids, but Ive stayed NC, even as much as it pains me to blow off the kids birthdays, I must. Doesnt help that my son and her son are friends... .
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Mr.Downtrodden
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« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2014, 01:00:02 PM »

I still have some belongings at her house.  Since it is a 3 hour drive one way I haven't gone to get them.  Only one thing is a bit important.

She had invited me to come and visit but never set a definite date. We had talked about it the day we spent together 4 months ago, but later that night her self-induced fiasco completely flipped / changed the previously happy mood and i saw her at her absolute worst for the very first time.  After that, things seemed very "off".  I guess that's why she quit contacting me shortly afterward, because I witnessed her at her most vulnerable / lowest state. Blaming me, maybe. I probably remind her of the event. Thus, I seem to be painted black, although i endured far more fallout previously. I tried to be her friend through it all, and like everyone else, I realize I was not good enough.
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