What I struggle with most.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've accepted the disorder.  I've accepted that there's nothing more that I could have done.  It lasted 6 years due to my efforts and tendencies.  I no longer miss her.  I do not want her back.  I do not want things to magically go back to how they were.  She is not my responsibility any more.  I do not find myself constantly worrying about her.  BUT.

What I seem to be having the most difficulty with is knowing that the relationship was not what I thought it was.  It was not love - sure you can say they did the best they can but that's hollow.  And for some reason, there is something in me that really stings when I realize that for 6 years I was not loved by the person I cared and loved most.  Realizing this has triggered something in me about my ability to be loved.  Knowing all that I put in and how much I cared and tried for her, to be thrown out so easily has not been an easy pill to swallow.  I've really got to figure out how to rebuild and repair my self worth. 

[billypilgrim]

I've accepted the disorder.  I've accepted that there's nothing more that I could have done.  It lasted 6 years due to my efforts and tendencies.  I no longer miss her.  I do not want her back.  I do not want things to magically go back to how they were.  She is not my responsibility any more.  I do not find myself constantly worrying about her.  BUT.

What I seem to be having the most difficulty with is knowing that the relationship was not what I thought it was.  It was not love - sure you can say they did the best they can but that's hollow.  And for some reason, there is something in me that really stings when I realize that for 6 years I was not loved by the person I cared and loved most.  Realizing this has triggered something in me about my ability to be loved.  Knowing all that I put in and how much I cared and tried for her, to be thrown out so easily has not been an easy pill to swallow.  I've really got to figure out how to rebuild and repair my self worth. 

[myself]

One thing to do is keep focused on the fact that you were able to love, and followed through with it, but she wasn't. That doesn't reflect on your ability to be loved but her lack of ability to do it on her own/ reciprocate.

[peiper]

It does sting when you realize it was all a fantasy. I go through this at times. But they are some of the best con artists. They saw what they wanted, lured us in and made us love them through mirroring. So in actuality we really fell in love with ourselves.

[Pingo]

Yes, I echo what Songbook said.  I also went through this stage but I'm past it now.  You will get past it too.  Remember that your intention was to be loving and kind and committed.  That is where your self-worth should come from.  The fact you are able to share that with another human being.  What she did/didn't do doesn't take that away from you. 

[PaintedBlack28]

IMO you tried your best, and your self worth is not questioned here. You, just  like the rest of us, stepped on a landmine and now are dealing with what I would call an authentic mind-rape. We need time to heal, but the wounds are deep. But sooner or later we will make it.

It was not about you, it is about her. Not even her, but the disorder in her. I go through a variety of feelings throughout the day; feelings of confusion, of despair, jealousy (I know my replacement is getting the F of his lifetime, but I'm not sure he knows whats coming after LOL)... .sadness, acceptance, and again ruminating what would have been the odds, the chances... .if I only knew then what I know now, etc. Plenty of unjustified guilt and on top of that - My loved one doesn't even think about me.

She can have it her way. We should be now preparing our Christmas gifts together. But instead, she will be blowing some lucky guy out of his skull in his car at some obscure parking lot - maybe a guy she met half an hour before-, and I will be alone. She may even contract Hepatitis or something worse.

The difference I will someday meet someone worthy of receiving what  I have in store, and that's a truckload of pure unadulterated, HEALTHY love.

Good luck

[downwhim]

I think they are incapable of loving. True loving without lies, deceit and cheating in the back of your head.  Them (example)  = I love her but... .that woman over there looks tempting. Us=how else can I please him, help him, satisfy him. I want to give him all I have. I am committed. I am honest and I want no one else but him.

[antelope]

well, something you are going to have to consider at this point is what our/your 'love' really ended up being -- taking care of them and making sure to do so carefully, on their terms

taking care of someone else's needs 99% of the time, excusing deplorable behavior, and repressing our true emotions is NOT love

yes, we nons are capable of love, I am not doubting or questioning that... .

but a huge key point in 'moving on' is realizing that our emotions were not truly genuine at the end... .they were largely motivated by our delusions of what we thought our relationship was... .

we didn't fall in love with them as people - for their character, enduring loyalty, kindness, respect, etc etc ... .we fell in love with the way they made us feel at the beginning, like a junkie hoping the next hit is as amazing as the first few were... .

you did what you could with what you knew at the time... .now make sense of what really happened, and use that knowledge to fall in love... .WITH YOU!