Taking other people's illness personally

[Cat Familiar]

Tonight my husband was looking forward to us celebrating an early Christmas with his best friend and his wife. Husband had bought four tickets for a concert and made dinner reservations.

This morning best friend calls and says he is sick, but wife is considering going with us. She hasn't decided yet.

Also this morning I woke up with a nasty headache--I'm fighting a virus too. I told husband that I'd go, but I don't feel 100%.

Husband was really disappointed that best friend hadn't notified him sooner, as he had been sick since Wednesday. (I might add that to best friend, my husband is not his best friend--just a friend.)

So husband decides to cancel the whole event and to try to give tickets to someone else, but he's not sure who is available. He is uncomfortable having best friend's wife drive home late at night by herself.

Husband pulls the plug and it sounds like everyone is relieved in best friend's household. I'm relieved too since I was planning on going to support him, but I wasn't eager to stay up late.

Now he's angry that best friend cancelled at the last minute. I try to validate, but I'm suspect because I don't feel good either. It turns into "Nobody cares about me. I'm never going to plan anything again! It shows me what he feels about our friendship."

I try to validate that he's disappointed, but "NO I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED. Nobody cares about me."

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[Ripped Heart]

Cat Familiar, I can totally relate to your situation, especially the "never going to plan anything again"

I've watch my gf just blow off other peoples plans simply because she doesn't feel like it or that they really don't want her there because of something they said a year ago. Sometimes she can be really cold and harsh around it. Just this weekend her friend planned a trip for them to a Christmas Market and an hour before she was meant to meet her (friend would have already been there as she had a distance to travel) she sent her a text to say she wasn't coming simply because she "couldn't be bothered" Yet if her friend organises something and she doesn't get an invite, I usually get the tears because "nobody cares about her"

However, if she plans something and people cancel, regardless of how much notice they give, I get the same "Never planning anything again" speech, usually followed by a rage or destructive behaviour. I think this definitely stems from their abandonment issues. They don't see the illness in the other person or at least don't understand it. So much respect to you for feeling the way you did and still offering to go for support.

From my own experiences of this (though someone might correct me if I'm off base) when they say "nobody cares about them" you too are included in that statement so anything you say is usually met with mistrust. It's the battle I have with gf because she cares enough to tell me how she is feeling but I get classed in that "nobody" so any kind of validation I try during that is usually met with disdain or a nasty comment directed at me.

[Cat Familiar]

From my own experiences of this (though someone might correct me if I'm off base) when they say "nobody cares about them" you too are included in that statement so anything you say is usually met with mistrust. It's the battle I have with gf because she cares enough to tell me how she is feeling but I get classed in that "nobody" so any kind of validation I try during that is usually met with disdain or a nasty comment directed at me.

Yep, I'm included in the "nobody cares" bin. I tried to be as sympathetic as possible and validate, yet not disparage his friend, since that would come back to bite me in the butt.

So in the midst of his drama, I get a phone call from my college friend, to whom I'd sent a birthday card. I was planning on calling her today to wish her a happy birthday, but she beat me to it. Meanwhile hubby storms off (I'm ignoring him because I'm talking to my friend who lives several hundred miles away, who I seldom talk to). I wave at him as he walks toward the garage. He gives me a dirty look and when his back is turned, I flip him off (I'm starting to have a lack of impulse control. But it felt good.)

[Mie]

Sounds like typical reaction to any disappointment: It's all on purpose, against him and personal 

There's an entire country against my SO at the moment. 'They don't want people like me in this country! why? Because they are jealous! I have done so much for this country, and what do I get? Nothing! '

[Ripped Heart]

mie, that is so true also.

I posted on a previous post about my gf's issue with an entire country, simply because that's where my exBPDw comes from. She hates the entire country with a passion and everybody in it. I stopped trying to explain a long time ago that 1 person doesn't reflect an entire country. Even as far as trying to explain whether she would find it unfair if people hated her because of the action of one person who she doesn't even know but just happens to be from our country.

Cat, I loved your response  don't think I would have the courage to do that though because I know I would get caught. I can imagine it felt good though and took some of the stress off you. It's very difficult not to be disparaging at times. It feels like that is what they need to hear from you but I know the position you find yourself in because what happened today is perfectly normal, sometimes plans change and we just move on or move around them. I think this is an area I struggle with in terms of validating their feelings but not to the point of disparaging the other person. I've been bitten by that before when they get painted white again and suddenly you are enemy number 1. Then I've been on the other side where I've defended the other person and been shot down on that too. That's part of my learning on here is what to say and what not to say in those situations.

[jedimaster]

Cat, I loved your response  don't think I would have the courage to do that though because I know I would get caught.

The nice thing about being a guy.  If you get used to walking around with your hands in your pockets, nobody notices if the hands in those pockets happen to have their middle fingers extended.   

[Cat Familiar]

The nice thing about being a guy.  If you get used to walking around with your hands in your pockets, nobody notices if the hands in those pockets happen to have their middle fingers extended.   

Jedimaster, this is the best Christmas present! Thank you!         

I have to make sure the jeans I put on have deep pockets when he's dysregulating.

I have used this strategy repeatedly and it really helps keep a pleasant expression on my face, while allowing me to privately vent.

I was thinking that some of you who are able to let your pwBPD act out, while you remain centered, must be on your way to sainthood. It seemed so out of reach for me, for whom snarky comments have been a way of life. I now see how useless and counterproductive it is  to reason with someone while they're dysregulating. But now I've got a way to keep my emotions in check. Thank you!

[JohnLove]

... .and here I was thinking all the coping tools on this site were in the column to the right. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY.   

[maxsterling]

LOL about the middle fingers!

Regarding the subject of this thread - gee, have I ever experienced this.  I can at least somewhat relate to the frustration they feel.  If I put forth a ton of effort to put on a party or whatever, and nobody shows or they cancel last minute, I feel hurt, too.  But, I know what it is and don't take it out on others.

My wife is the same way.  She's not a very good friend to her friends or family members (or a good employee to her bosses).  She will cancel over half the plans she makes, then feel abandoned and angry when her friend sail to include her.  Lately, it's been her sister.  I can understand where she is coming from - she wants to be closer to her sister or wants her sister to care, and her sister doesn't return many phone calls or text messages.  And this makes her very angry.  Yet, that's exactly how she treats others. 

[Cat Familiar]

Now my husband is sick with the nasty headache bug that I had last weekend. And when he's sick, he's a total baby--yet he had no compassion for his best friend and me when we were sick last weekend and wrecked his plans.

He totally dysregulated last night after drinking too much. It was the push/pull thing. He became really angry with me because I was doing stretches on the floor while we watched a movie together in his studio. It was as though I was ignoring him because I was trying to work out a kink in my shoulder and back.

After the movie ended, he became furious that I was "doing yoga." It was ludicrous to me that he was jealous of me trying to make myself feel better. Like I'm supposed to sit in a chair motionless even though he wasn't really paying attention to me--he was looking at his tablet and playing music on his stereo.

I wasn't playing my part in his drama, so he started with the f-yous. I told him that was unacceptable to talk to me in that way, so I was going to leave. He told me I wasn't talking with him anyway, but I was, so I sat down and asked him what he felt. What he felt, he said, was of "no importance" and he became increasingly angry and told me to leave. When I got up to leave, he accused me of not wanting to talk with him.

I told him he just told me to leave, so I was doing what he asked. Then I asked him what was going on. He told me I didn't want to talk with him so I should just leave. I told him I was talking with him. Back and forth it went until I finally did leave as he became more agitated.

Textbook BPD. This was probably the first time I watched a full-blown meltdown without getting upset myself. I was sad and I felt bad for him, but it didn't throw me off my center. And I didn't even need to covertly flip him off! So I'm making progress.

Unfortunately, as he does these behaviors, I am liking him less and less--just the opposite of what he wants.