I took the blinders off, now what

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My story is horrible and long and confusing to me. Horrible because my stbxH has done some pretty wild things. Things that if I said out loud to anyone they would question why I stayed for one minute past the finding out. Long because it's been 33 years of marriage. Which adds to the horribleness of it. And confusing, because I don't understand why I would have allowed this to happen. I am just now in this past 30 days starting to see things differently. I found this site thru another site and now all the bells are ringing.

I've endured all these years of being lied to about anything and everything and nothing. Some lies have been about horrible betrayals but some are about nothing. These lies are so confusing to me because I can't understand why anyone would do that. Somehow every time I have convince myself it will change, it will get fixed. I've known about his cheating, reckless spending, verbally abusive outbursts, quick mood changes, emotional abuse to our children, petty crimes, fake personas, twisted words, silent treatment, denial of any wrong doing, and so much crazy making stuff that I don't think anyone would believe me. Our family has learned to walk on egg shells and make it seem normal.

I put myself as 30 days seperated because in my mind that is what I am. Although I will still be living in the same house for the next 90 days. I have only in the past week come to realize that he has so many of the BPD traits. It scares me a little to realize that is who I have been with this whole time. Over the years we have talked about his Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde personality. But I didn't connect the dots to BPD. I even had a friend tell me a couple of years ago that she thought perhaps he had a BPD. I was still in denial. He had been diagnosed with ADHD about six years ago. I thought that's what I was dealing with.

I am in a state of feeling like I just tipped out of the boat and I have to save myself and I haven't learned to swim. I know I have to settle down. Stay calm. Get a plan together.

I am just now coming to this site to read and learn and get some insight into myself. Why did I get into this relationship in the first place? Why did I stay with the abuse for so long? For a long time I didn't even call it abuse. I thought it was something I had to help him with or it was my fault. Did I really think it would change or was I afraid of something else? What is co-dependant all about? Why do I allow myself to be pulled back in? And most importantly for me right now ... .what tips and tricks are there that will help me stay away emotionally from him until he actually packs and moves out?

[audacia]

My story is horrible and long and confusing to me. Horrible because my stbxH has done some pretty wild things. Things that if I said out loud to anyone they would question why I stayed for one minute past the finding out. Long because it's been 33 years of marriage. Which adds to the horribleness of it. And confusing, because I don't understand why I would have allowed this to happen. I am just now in this past 30 days starting to see things differently. I found this site thru another site and now all the bells are ringing.

I've endured all these years of being lied to about anything and everything and nothing. Some lies have been about horrible betrayals but some are about nothing. These lies are so confusing to me because I can't understand why anyone would do that. Somehow every time I have convince myself it will change, it will get fixed. I've known about his cheating, reckless spending, verbally abusive outbursts, quick mood changes, emotional abuse to our children, petty crimes, fake personas, twisted words, silent treatment, denial of any wrong doing, and so much crazy making stuff that I don't think anyone would believe me. Our family has learned to walk on egg shells and make it seem normal.

I put myself as 30 days seperated because in my mind that is what I am. Although I will still be living in the same house for the next 90 days. I have only in the past week come to realize that he has so many of the BPD traits. It scares me a little to realize that is who I have been with this whole time. Over the years we have talked about his Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde personality. But I didn't connect the dots to BPD. I even had a friend tell me a couple of years ago that she thought perhaps he had a BPD. I was still in denial. He had been diagnosed with ADHD about six years ago. I thought that's what I was dealing with.

I am in a state of feeling like I just tipped out of the boat and I have to save myself and I haven't learned to swim. I know I have to settle down. Stay calm. Get a plan together.

I am just now coming to this site to read and learn and get some insight into myself. Why did I get into this relationship in the first place? Why did I stay with the abuse for so long? For a long time I didn't even call it abuse. I thought it was something I had to help him with or it was my fault. Did I really think it would change or was I afraid of something else? What is co-dependant all about? Why do I allow myself to be pulled back in? And most importantly for me right now ... .what tips and tricks are there that will help me stay away emotionally from him until he actually packs and moves out?

[neverloveagain]

Hi audacia,

welcome to the leaving board. Im not alone in saying like many here connecting dots doesnt happen till after the end. its so confusing when the love you think is real becomes a stage show. Its ok o feel sad angry and all the rest of the feelings. Take time to re find the real you because of the amount of time you have been together its gonna be hard no matter what. Breath deep feel your pain and put that pain into something motivational. Dont let what if get you, your free to be whatever you want.

[Turkish]

33 year is a long time. Are you for sure done, audacia? Do you feel like you are in danger until he moves out?

[downwhim]

Please don't beat yourself up about staying for 33 years. We all do the best we can and try to make the relationship work. I stayed 8 years with the promise of marriage. Once we got engaged he cheated and made it a big joke. I look at all the holidays he ruined. Thanksgiving, got engaged and then he split. Valentines - did not show up when I was offered a cabin in the mountains - took my son and his friend. Christmas well here it is and I am alone and filled with resentment. Where does that get me? Nowhere.

This board and reading about BPD's has been a lifeline. I know you will find peace here too and it helps to write and release feelings. They did a number on us. I could no longer take the verbal abuse and left every time he started in. I got strong and set up boundaries. He did not like that at all. I got the silent treatment. He also would smirk and mock me which was demeaning. I had a feeling his rages would eventually turn to physical abuse. You can't marry someone your afraid of. At least I got that right and realized the red flag was flying in my face and I better not ignore it.

Christmas is a trigger of happier times. Last year we took family pictures with his kids and mine and we had been engaged one month. He was on his best behavior until a month later when he had surgery. He treated me like dirt at the hospital and embarrassed me in front of the nurses. He refused my help afterward and wanted to be alone. It got worse and he got on an opium based drug that he is now addicted to. His mood swings are unbearable. Maybe replacement has not had the opportunity to experience one yet but she will. I hope she too feels the anxiousness and anxiety I felt not knowing day to day how he was going to act. I walked on eggshells and found in his eyes I did nothing right. Whew, it feels good to write this. I am starting to feel some relief...

[going places]

25 years here.

I did not start to come out of the FOG until I threw my ex out.

I booted him in July 2014.

I blocked him Aug 2014.

I have not visually seen him since July 2014

I have HAD to talk to him on the phone twice in the last 10 days... .BECAUSE THE LORD SOLD THE HOUSE!

ONLY after I threw him out and blocked him did I start to REALLY SEE the abuse for what it was.

I have spoken with an advocate a couple of times, read a few great books (on healing) and pray, a lot.

I am past the "how was I so dumb" stage... .and that stage lasted A LONG time... .but it's not me.

I was honest, loving, caring, true, and real.

It was he, who was the deceiver, liar, cheater, abuser.

I have no control over him, only me... .so I don't worry, think, or care about him anymore.

I am looking forward to moving from IN to FLA when this house sells, start a new life, far away from him.

I am looking forward to giving back to my community and humanity on the whole.

I am looking forward to serving the Lord.

AND totally looking forward to being FOOTSTEPS away from the beach every single day!

I could not future plan with him in my face.

I could not get out of the FOG w him in my face.

I was gaslit daily, while he was in my face... .

If you have not done so yet I highly recommend you connect with an abuse advocate in your area (look under battered women's shelters, or women's services in the phone book)