Just took off my blinders

[audacia]

My story is horrible and long and confusing to me. Horrible because my stbxH has done some pretty wild things. Things that if I said out loud to anyone they would question why I stayed for one minute past the finding out. Long because it's been 33 years of marriage. Which adds to the horribleness of it. And confusing, because I don't understand why I would have allowed this to happen. I am just now in this past 30 days starting to see things differently. I found this site thru another site and now all the bells are ringing.

I've endured all these years of being lied to about anything and everything and nothing. Some lies have been about horrible betrayals but some are about nothing. These lies are so confusing to me because I can't understand why anyone would do that. Somehow every time I have convince myself it will change, it will get fixed. I've known about his cheating, reckless spending, verbally abusive outbursts, quick mood changes, emotional abuse to our children, petty crimes, fake personas, twisted words, silent treatment, denial of any wrong doing, and so much crazy making stuff that I don't think anyone would believe me. Our family has learned to walk on egg shells and make it seem normal.

I put myself as 30 days seperated because in my mind that is what I am. Although I will still be living in the same house for the next 90 days. I have only in the past week come to realize that he has so many of the BPD traits. It scares me a little to realize that is who I have been with this whole time. Over the years we have talked about his Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde personality. But I didn't connect the dots to BPD. I even had a friend tell me a couple of years ago that she thought perhaps he had a BPD. I was still in denial. He had been diagnosed with ADHD about six years ago. I thought that's what I was dealing with.

I am in a state of feeling like I just tipped out of the boat and I have to save myself and I haven't learned to swim. I know I have to settle down. Stay calm. Get a plan together.

I am just now coming to this site to read and learn and get some insight into myself. Why did I get into this relationship in the first place? Why did I stay with the abuse for so long? For a long time I didn't even call it abuse. I thought it was something I had to help him with or it was my fault. Did I really think it would change or was I afraid of something else? What is co-dependant all about? Why do I allow myself to be pulled back in? And most importantly for me right now ... .what tips and tricks are there that will help me stay away emotionally from him until he actually packs and moves out?

Oh my gosh ... .I am such a newbie.   I am not "undecided". I know I am getting out of this relationship. I'm not sure how I posted to this board. Can someone help me move it to the right place please? I'm kinda new to forums, can you tell.  

[Mutt]

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