Being afraid while doing the right thing

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It scares me how much I have allowed to let this woman control me. Destroy and humiliate me. Making me work so hard for her benefit, and then tossing me away like I was nothing. I gave a report to child service based on the horrible things I saw her family do while I was there. They are abusers of their children, and I know it was right of me to do so. But I am so scared of what is going to happen when she realizes that I am standing up for myself, and actually revels some horrible secrets for the authorities and her family. It feels like I am letting her down a bit. But on the same time, she cheated on me, reported me for domestic abuse, lied, controlled, hurt me, bullied me and isolated me. So everyone keeps telling me that I should not feel guilt. But I do so anyway... Guilt and fear… it is like being in relationship with her again!

[Nicolai]

It scares me how much I have allowed to let this woman control me. Destroy and humiliate me. Making me work so hard for her benefit, and then tossing me away like I was nothing. I gave a report to child service based on the horrible things I saw her family do while I was there. They are abusers of their children, and I know it was right of me to do so. But I am so scared of what is going to happen when she realizes that I am standing up for myself, and actually revels some horrible secrets for the authorities and her family. It feels like I am letting her down a bit. But on the same time, she cheated on me, reported me for domestic abuse, lied, controlled, hurt me, bullied me and isolated me. So everyone keeps telling me that I should not feel guilt. But I do so anyway... Guilt and fear… it is like being in relationship with her again!

[OutOfEgypt]

But I am so scared of what is going to happen when she realizes that I am standing up for myself, and actually revels some horrible secrets for the authorities and her family.

I think that is a bit understandable, don't you?  Theses are pretty scary people.  I agree we need to find a way to stop taking a one-downed, helpless position and accept that they are going to do what they are going to do, but I think we ought to have a little compassion on ourselves as well.  We know they will flip out, and we know they have pretty much no conscience in how they react when they feel threatened or exposed.

As for the guilt aspect, well consider that you feel bad because you are human and have some positive feelings in there.  This isn't some stranger you are reporting.  It is someone you know.  That doesn't feel good, even if you know it is the right thing.

While some of this is undoubtedly FOG, some of this is simply from the fact that NOBODY likes dealing with these people.  NOBODY.

[terranova79]

It scares me how much I have allowed to let this woman control me. Destroy and humiliate me. Making me work so hard for her benefit, and then tossing me away like I was nothing. I gave a report to child service based on the horrible things I saw her family do while I was there. They are abusers of their children, and I know it was right of me to do so. But I am so scared of what is going to happen when she realizes that I am standing up for myself, and actually revels some horrible secrets for the authorities and her family. It feels like I am letting her down a bit. But on the same time, she cheated on me, reported me for domestic abuse, lied, controlled, hurt me, bullied me and isolated me. So everyone keeps telling me that I should not feel guilt. But I do so anyway... Guilt and fear… it is like being in relationship with her again!

Hi Nicolai,

You are not alone in feeling this way.  I think it is normal to feel guilty for standing up to improper behavior by a BPD because they are so adept at making you feel like it's *your* fault even though they were the ones treating a child badly.  I've been through this myself.  Ever since my second son was born this year, my uBPDw has become somewhat unhinged with my 2.5 year old son.  She's a loving mother in many respects, but has lost her temper too many times and in completely inappropriate ways.  She has yelled at him, screamed at him, talked bad about him in his presence, and--worst of all--hit him with an open hand 4-5 times.  I tried to get her to tone it down but to no avail. 

When I learned about the hitting (I was only there to see one incident), I confided everything in my therapist and family.  Turns out, my therapist and brother reported my wife to child protective services and they came by for a visit.  My wife has exploded at me since then.  Some of the stuff that was reported to CPS by my brother got exaggerated, but I 100% cleared that up with the CPS representative.  Nonetheless, the CPS rep said that the hitting was all she needed to know had happened--that alone was enough to force my wife to go into therapy.  Regardless, my uBPDw's take on all of this is that my family and therapist have conspired to destroy her, and I have felt the wrath of my wife ever since.  She ignores the fact that ***SHE*** hit our son and ***SHE*** yelled and screamed at him.  She just latches on to whatever she can to make ***ME*** the focus of blame.  It is completely ridiculous and I have to remind myself that none of this would have happened if she had simply not acted out.  WHen I try to remind my wife of this, she just explodes at me.

So the long story short is this--you did the right thing.  Your wife might be a great mother in many respects and that makes reporting hard to do.  And you will suffer a huge blamestorm by your wife and that will make you feel bad, no matter what.  But at the end of the day, if the only reason you end up feeling bad is because you get blamed and not because you think deep down that you did something wrong, then chances are you did the right thing. 

And there can be a real benefit.  My wife says, and I believe her, that she has not hit our son since and she yells a lot less.  She says the only reason she's doing this is because she's "being watched."  Well, the real reason not to do that stuff is because it's wrong.  But so be it.  My son hasn't been hit again and that's what counts.

[Raybo48]

Guilt and fear... I've felt those simultaneously with my BPDxgf and those emotions are not at all fun together.   I'm really sorry you are going through this Nicolai, but it certainly sounds like you are doing the right thing.  They can be very vindictive when they are exposed or shamed especially.  Whenever I shamed my BPDxgf unintentionally or intentionally I knew there was a storm coming.  It was almost always a delayed effect by a few hours or a day, but once she processed it and perceived it as shame it came.  I honestly believe the BPD is all about an eye for an eye when they have the opportunity. 

Stay strong and you will get through this.  We're all here for you.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Guilt and fear... I've felt those simultaneously with my BPDxgf and those emotions are not at all fun together.   I'm really sorry you are going through this Nicolai, but it certainly sounds like you are doing the right thing.  They can be very vindictive when they are exposed or shamed especially.  Whenever I shamed my BPDxgf unintentionally or intentionally I knew there was a storm coming.  It was almost always a delayed effect by a few hours or a day, but once she processed it and perceived it as shame it came.  I honestly believe the BPD is all about an eye for an eye when they have the opportunity. 

Stay strong and you will get through this.  We're all here for you.

this is so very very true! my ex does everything you just stated. sometimes i second guess the feeling that my ex is BPD... theb i read stuff like this they are all so similar its insane!

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She then informed me that she was moving out again, and because I was alone on the contract, she would not need to pay. I begged her to stay, but she called me pathetic, and then I couldn't control myself. I hit her repeatedly in arms and legs, and even accidentally smashed my head into hers. I don't understand how it could happen. I have never done something like that before. Am I a violent man? I don't know anymore. She did report me to the police, and her explanation was really exaggerated. She tolled them that I forced her to take abortion, then called her a murder. And that I was beating her up repeatedly during 3 years. This has been a real rough experience for me. I did a mistake, I lost control once, and an anger that had been built over 4 years just came out.

I have been obsessed with revenge lately. She walked away from me, leaving me to pay for everything she had ordered. Left me another man with no remorse. And she was emotional abusive to me for years. Even twice trying to kill me. I accepted it all because she blamed her child abuse. But now... Now I am obsessed with revenge. And I got the chance! I have completely truthfully reported her family to child-service. ... .And I know they will abuse her. Which will lead her back to the desperation she suffered from when I met her, only this time it will most likely lead to her taking suicide. And eureka... My revenge will be compete. Now... Can anyone please talk some sense into me on why I shouldn't be doing this?

This was a violent relationship - both ways.

Now that you have some time away and it is behind you, how do you feel?

[Sandman1881]

I honestly believe the BPD is all about an eye for an eye when they have the opportunity. 

My opinion was close to this. I felt my uBPDexgf's view was 2 wrongs make it alright. Any mistake I made would be used as an excuse on her part to get back at me in whatever way she felt justified. And almost always unfair, calculated, more painful and worse than anything that I did. Scales were always tipped in her favor.