Her: "After Christmas, I'm killing myself... "

[Wrongturn1]

So things were going relatively smoothly this holiday season, and we were traveling out of state to attend a family wedding and visit family for Christmas.  The night of the 21st when I came to bed, uBPDw announced that once we get through Christmas, she will be killing herself.  Her justification was that she can't live with the guilt of the damage she is doing to me and to our kids and that therefore she needs to get out of our lives - and suicide is the only option since I might marry someone else if she left and she cannot endure that. 

This one really rattled me as I did not see it coming, and she sounded very calm and final about the whole thing.  I validated that she must be feeling awful to consider that as an option and then explained why I thought that was really not a good idea at all.  I suggested that since it sounds like she is ready for a change, that she get into therapy, with an explanation that there are therapeutic approaches out there that do not involve lounging on a couch and rehashing your greatest emotional traumas every week - that there are therapies like CBT and DBT that focus on patterns of thoughts and behaviors and skills training instead.  She said she would rather die than go to therapy because she would feel "embarrassed" talking to a therapist about her problems.  She seemed to calm down after that and we both went to sleep.

When we were on the way home on the night of the 23rd, she started in again about how she was dreading her upcoming suicide but could not imagine any other options.  When we got home that night, I gave her the same talk with validation and pointed out that suicide is never the option, emphasizing how our daughter (who also has trouble with emotional regulation) will need my wife's support throughout her life.  Also, I went into a bit more detail about therapeutic approaches and how there are some effective options out there that could help her feel better and cope better.  This time, she said she would be willing to do some research and learn more about therapy and said something along the lines that she would continue to live her miserable life.  Since then, things seem better, she seems relatively happy and well-regulated.

I guess my point with this post (besides just getting some of this out there and off my chest as I've been traumatized by the whole thing) is to check with the group on this question: do you guys know of any good online summaries of DBT that don't mention BPD?  Please post links if you have any... .would love to steer my wife toward DBT without implying that I think she has BPD.  Thanks!

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[maxsterling]

Wow.  I don't know if I can offer you advice, but I can  .

That's rough.  I can certainly relate to the trap you are in.  While my wife has toned down the suicide language as of late, it's the same scenario.  I was in an alanon meeting last week, and an old woman in her 60s had been married to a man for 40 years and was contemplating divorce.  She cried because she didn't know what to do.  She said it was much easier to think about leaving when she thought he was just a jerk, but now that she hears he has a mental disease that he can't control (alcoholism), it's much harder to just leave.  I can relate to what that woman said.  I think that is what many of us face who have self-aware pwBPD.   We can't live with the abusive behavior, yet we still feel compassion for them and want to help when they reach out.  I've been dealing with that lately, with her being very critical and in a bad mood, yet at the same time reaching out to me as if she can't live without me.  So tough. 

I hope you can get your wife to consider therapy.  I think your validation and language to her so far has been excellent  .  It takes a lot of strength to be in your position. 

[HappyNihilist]

WrongTurn, I am so sorry you're having to deal with this.   It's very traumatizing and scary when a loved one expresses suicidal thoughts like that.

Does she use suicidal language often, or is this an uncommon occurrence?

It's great that you were able to validate her and to discuss therapy options with her, and that she seems more open to the idea. This article from Psych Central mentions BPD as the origin of DBT, but immediately says that it's "now used to treat a wide range of concerns." I would suggest exploring her worries of embarrassment more.

She is obviously dealing with some heavy-duty guilt feelings. These need to be addressed somehow. Therapy would be the best choice, of course, but there's the chance she'll never actually go. Have you asked her to talk more about her feelings of guilt?

I wish you all the best in such a difficult situation. 

[Wrongturn1]

HN: Thanks for the link to the psych central article - that's a good one that does not put BPD front and center!

She typically uses suicidal language once or twice per year on average, but it has usually been in the form of "it's hard for me not to want to kill myself" or something similarly vague.  Her recent statement about killing herself after Christmas was extra disturbing in that she sounded resigned to it and there was a specific time-table.

About exploring her worries of embarrassment, I pointed out to her that earlier this year when she feared she had cancer, she did not hesitate to see a specialist, and that seeking mental health care is the same thing.  I asked how it is different and how it would be embarrassing, and she was not really able to articulate much, except to say that she is not someone who feels comfortable talking with other people about her problems and that it would be too embarrassing, and that she would rather die.  I think this is the part of the disorder that feeds on isolation and toxic shame, and so far, it has kept her from seeking help.

The discussion of her guilt feelings was relatively new - she has never made such a big deal out of her guilt before.  Previously, she would snap at the kids and then feel guilty about it for a few hours, but it never seemed like that big of a deal to her.  The current guilt crisis came after she accused me of oogling a young lady dancing at a wedding reception we attended last Saturday night [for the record, I did not even see the person in question, much less oogle her].  After she calmed down from her accusatory dysregulation, uBPDw asked me if her false accusation had ruined the evening for me, which I honestly and gently responded that it did.  After this, she globalized the whole thing and started claiming that this happens all the time and that she is ruining my life and cannot live with the guilt of it.  I reassured her that I had forgiven her and that I never wanted for one second to be without her, but that did not seem to get through to her.

[JohnLove]

Hi Wrongturn1, I am unsure if you're aware the suicide rate of pwBPD is 10%. I might suggest it is even higher as many people are undiagnosed. This is dangerous territory. I commend you for your actions and support in handling your situations very well. Just appreciate this probably won't be the last time either.

I hear your trauma.

Your role in assisting your wife into therapy is also a really compassionate thing for you to do for her... .and for you.

You are correct to suspect the "embarrassment" that she is feeling is actually SHAME. PwBPD still understand on some level what they have done to others. You want her to go into therapy and face that. It might get very ugly at first... .

Same as her not wanting to acknowledge she even has a problem or anything to do with BPD. DENIAL. But hey!... .this isn't the story of Cinderella... .but if the shoe fits.

(See what I did there )

She has every reason to her GUILT feelings. If I may diagnose her for a moment. BPD is a very very destructive and hurtful disorder to others around the sufferer, with ground zero being the worst. Her behaviour is destructive to her as well. She knows this... .and is trying to help herself the best way she knows. Hence BPD. Everyone has self awareness. Hers is heavily flawed. She can't do this on her own. She knows that. She is doing the best she can, although I have come to appreciate pwBPD often understand more than they appear to.

Your partners behaviour is NOT sustainable. She KNOWS it. Her self realisation is a great thing but conversely she is opening a Pandoras box. She has every idea what's inside... .and it's not good. Why else would she go to such lengths to hide or mask or escape the real issue or problem. Men that oogle women don't just do it once.

Your closing statement is one I am all too familiar with. You will need every trick (tool) in the book if you are going to "win" this one. it is not all her. You are playing with a PD.

I want you both to succeed... .but you'd better be prepared... .both of you... .and beating around the bush is not going to be helpful long term... .it may even be your undoing... .right now I understand you are trying to get the ball rolling.

I suspect that if you take out the accusations on who is "wrong" and what is "wrong" between yourselves by having a professional evaluation of her... .and even yourself if that placates her... .might get things moving in a healthy direction. A diagnosis is possibly the most helpful thing a person suffering an illness might receive in the first instance. ANY illness. In my humble opinion this is the first step and the single most important one.

I sincerely know how difficult this is. I wish you well on your journey.

[Crumbling]

Hi, Wrongturn.  I just came across this link.  It's cognitive behaviour therapy for people who suffer from depression, but the article I got it from says it can be adapted.

I haven't read or tried the whole thing, because I just found it, then read your post, so I thought I'd pass it along.

https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/add_user

c.

[Wrongturn1]

@JohnLove - thanks for the support, and I realize the successful suicide rate is around 10%.  Agree with you that a diagnosis and therapy for her would be a huge help, and I will continue to encourage her in this direction.

@Crumbling - thanks for the link!  I set up an account and experimented a bit... .looks like this could be helpful for her if she ultimately refuses in-person therapy.