So this is the silent treatment

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am in the beginning stages of learning what I have been living all these years. I feel like I have so much work to do to get myself up and out to a healthy view on what a normal healthy relationship should be like. I have truly convinced myself that so much abnormal is normal. I just read this post and it completely gripped me in my chest.

Joannak said "Silence a.k.a. Withholding is the most damaging and hurtful form of verbal abuse. One might think that in order for the behavior to be considered verbal abusive words need to be spoken. This misunderstanding of verbal abuse adds to the recipient’s confusion within the relationship. The recipient of silence/withholding may believe the relationship is functional because the abuser may communicate functional information, but refuses—through silence/ withholding (non-responsive)—to communicate on an intimate level.

There needs to be more than an exchange of information. Healthy relationships require intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and be heard and to understand another’s feelings and experiences is empathetic comprehension.

Simply stated, silence/withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward another, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference, control and Power Over.".

This is my life! I feel so incredibly sad right now. This is exactly what I have been experiencing for so many years. He would ignore me if I had any feelings of hurt or dissappointment. He would try to have "functional" communication within minutes of becoming aware that I had been hurt. It would feel like another knife. It felt so callous.

He would convince me that no man wants to hear about feelings. Men don't do that. He would tell me that if I'm sad or dissappointed I shouldn't say it out loud. I should keep it to myself.

I don't even know what it looks like for a man to comfort his wife/SO in times of difficulty. How do men without BPD respond to their SO when they realize they've said or done something that hurt their SO's feelings? What does that look like?

[audacia]

I am in the beginning stages of learning what I have been living all these years. I feel like I have so much work to do to get myself up and out to a healthy view on what a normal healthy relationship should be like. I have truly convinced myself that so much abnormal is normal. I just read this post and it completely gripped me in my chest.

Joannak said "Silence a.k.a. Withholding is the most damaging and hurtful form of verbal abuse. One might think that in order for the behavior to be considered verbal abusive words need to be spoken. This misunderstanding of verbal abuse adds to the recipient’s confusion within the relationship. The recipient of silence/withholding may believe the relationship is functional because the abuser may communicate functional information, but refuses—through silence/ withholding (non-responsive)—to communicate on an intimate level.

There needs to be more than an exchange of information. Healthy relationships require intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and be heard and to understand another’s feelings and experiences is empathetic comprehension.

Simply stated, silence/withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward another, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference, control and Power Over.".

This is my life! I feel so incredibly sad right now. This is exactly what I have been experiencing for so many years. He would ignore me if I had any feelings of hurt or dissappointment. He would try to have "functional" communication within minutes of becoming aware that I had been hurt. It would feel like another knife. It felt so callous.

He would convince me that no man wants to hear about feelings. Men don't do that. He would tell me that if I'm sad or dissappointed I shouldn't say it out loud. I should keep it to myself.

I don't even know what it looks like for a man to comfort his wife/SO in times of difficulty. How do men without BPD respond to their SO when they realize they've said or done something that hurt their SO's feelings? What does that look like?

[Infern0]

In reply to the bottom paragraph.  If they are codependent like me they will spend ages apologizing and trying to make you feel better to the point that it probably starts to get annoying!

I think a "normal" guy would likely apologize if he has done something wrong and try to work things out,  that is the right way.

Silent treatment sucks,  my mother used to do it to me and my BPD ex does it too. She's doing it now actually because I walked away from her although she's moved past the "denying my existence" stage by mentioning me to friends, so I'm worried she will try to contact me soon.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Audacia,

The silent treatment is the worst, isn't it? It is the most frequently used coping mechanism for my pwBPD. The silent treatment really does cut like a knife.

I don't even know what it looks like for a man to comfort his wife/SO in times of difficulty. How do men without BPD respond to their SO when they realize they've said or done something that hurt their SO's feelings? What does that look like?

When my pwBPD thinks he has hurt me or I am upset because of him, he withdraws.  He wants to avoid any negative feelings at all costs. He will either divert the conversation or stop talking.  Many times he actually will leave the room and go into the bedroom and lock himself in there.  He will tend to stay in there for a period of time and then come out and act like the conversation did not happen.  

PwBPD's internal feelings of shame/guilt/anger/sadness are so intense.  Many times a pwBPD can barely cope with their own feelings, let alone ours. They use coping mechanisms to "protect" themselves from these negative feelings.  

The coping mechanisms really are invalidating for us.