The Rollercoaster Ride

[kelti1972]

Well our swBPD is resisting dbt now.  He has been two times and says he doesn't relate with the people.  His therapist is so awesome and got him into her group.  He hasn't tried her group yet.  He also says she retested him and he only has four out of the nine traits of BPD, so he isn't BPD now.  The reason we let him come home was because he committed to therapy and dpt.    Now I am not sure if he will leave or follow through.  He blamed and blamed me tonight on the phone.  I feel I did pretty good validating him everytime his emotions went up and I didn't get defensive everytime he attacked me. 

He even said he had his breakdown, when he shaved his head and told the elaborate story about being on hard drugs, that all that was was because of me.  I was triggered and so he was triggered and we were bouncing off of each other.  He has a different story about all that every other month.  Anyway I am so thankful for this site and all the information and books.  I still study hard and learn about all this as much as I can at my pace.  It has helped me so much.

I am taking care of me, going to exercise, a new terapist, getting my meds. balanced for my emotions and mental health problems.  Teaching others about BPD and practicing the skills I am learning.   Don't know what will happen, but try to have faith vs. fear and trust in God and pray.  Kelti

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kelti1972]

Our son came home and got into it with me again.  He said "I need to slow my roll".  He said he doesn't learn skills in a class set up like DBT.  I asked him what he meant and he got all mad and said I jump to conclusions and he hasn't done anything to cross our boundaries and it is just my assumptions and fears.  He says he is still going to therapy and the classes.  I told him ok maybe I do and I would work on that.  Then he went on to say why do I have to have everything clarified, etc. etc.  Blame, blame, blame.  On and on about me and my problems.  How I this and I that.  Anyway I feel these latest encounters I have handled without much emotion and backlash.  However, sometimes, I do get caught up in the doubts about him haveing BPD.  I start to believe him because he is so convincing.  He says since he got home he has stableized and I say yes but when you get out on your own and have to be responsible for everything that is when the stress will build up and you will need the dbt skills.  I don't know if that took or not.  Kelti

[madmom]

K---my daughter also resisted DBT at first, said it didn't help etc. and maybe it didn't because she wasn't ready to do the work, but thankfully she did complete the class. That was a few years ago, now she is back with a new therapist and is doing DBT work and is doing very well---she was ready for the change.  If your boundary for living at home was to go to therapy, then that is what you need to stick with.  My daughter has also been very convincing to various mental health professionals that she isn't BPD, but she is (there are varying degrees and true she isn't bad as some in her behaviors).  Anyway, perhaps you could use SET when your son starts talking about dpt, something like---

I know that you don't see DBT therapy has helpful, and maybe I wouldn't either if I was in your position, but the condition for living at home was that you attend this therapy and so you need to fulfill that commitment.  (I don't know if I am saying this the best way, there are so many others on the site that can do that better)  Do you see your son getting better since therapy and the changes you have made in your home?  I think you are doing an amazing job of working on your own skills and supporting your child.  You are not alone in the battle, keep calm and keep doing what you know is right.

[kelti1972]

Thank you madmom, It is very helpful to be reminded of SET and have examples.  I already stated the boundary, not as well as yours, but I did and he went after me, telling me he hasn't done anything to cross those boundaries.  He was just venting and I need to slow the roll and not get into my anxiety.  I have never heard slow the roll before I kinda liked that one and laughed to myself.

He blamed and blamed me and that is his typical pattern when he gets into being right and knowing all and knowing better.  Yes he has made progress and I need to give him more positives and validate more what he is doing and has done.  I will find an opportunity to do that.  Thank you for your daughters story that also helped.  Kelti

[kelti1972]

This morning my swBPD came in to talk with me some more.  I tried to tell him or validate his experience with DBT and that I would probably feel the same way if I were him and he said," its not hard I get the whole thing in a half hour the rest of the people sit there and don't get it at all.  I don't learn that way.  I do better if I did it on my own. " I just kept validating his feelings and helping him to feel empowered to make his decisions. If he didn't want to take the therapy, he could get a full-time job and move out. He apologized to me for getting defensive last night and I told him I really appreciated that.  He said he loved his therapist, but just didn't think this group therapy was helping. 

He said he was going to continue to go and he would sit down and talk with us if anything changed.  I said that sounded great and we parted as friends.  My husband gets so resentful of how much time our son takes from us and he feels that our s sucks all the life out of me.  I feel that I pace myself and take breaks when I need.  But this stuff is really difficult and hard to deal with, even if your child isn't in a crises everyday, it still is hard and you have in the back of your mind the breakdowns they have had and wonder when the next one will be again.

I know that DBT isn't magic and doesn't solve everything, but I really had hope that it would help our son and now he isn't responding to it in a positive way.  Sometimes I feel so powerless and helpless.  I want the best for him so much and for him to be happy, but not at the expense of my marriage or health.  Kelti

[lbjnltx]

These are positives kelti!  Him coming back and owning his mistakes is a mature act.

Capitalizing on the positive that your son "gets it" and the others in the group don't puts him in a position of leadership.  Encouraging him to interact (at the appropriate times) in the group by using his own examples of success with the DBT skills will benefit the group as a whole and reinforce the skills within himself, build relationships with others (which will encourage further attendance), and build his self confidence.

Be mindful not to put the pressure on him to do it... .just mention it as an observation and your perspective.  State it maybe similar to :  You know... .I was thinking about what you said and I can see how you could be in a position to help your group.

Peer to peer support is the foundation of group therapy.

What do you think kelti?

[kelti1972]

lbj:

Thank you, and I think that your perspective is awesome.  I will definetly give input in those regards, he can be a leader, I think that is very positive approach and a very true approach.  I was a leader in my mental health group and I grew so much.  I am just praying he will stay with it long enough to experience leadership and the benefits of group therapy.

My fear is that he will give up before he gives it a real chance.  This has been his pattern, he doesn't like something or thinks it is stupid and runs or leaves.  Last night as I tossed and turned before sleep took over, I replaced secure thought that he has a very competent therapist and to have faith in her and him.  My husband just reminded me, after I told him about this post, that Lansan doesn't want to be a leader.  He felt all this pressure in our church to be a leader and people putting presssure on him, because he has leadership qualities and he left our church.  So I probably will just leave the conversation about leadership to happen organically as our son would say.  LOL sigh

[lbjnltx]

Helping others vs being a leader is a more realistic and less demanding approach.

Through helping others he will rise to the top as a leader... .organically as your son would say.

[kelti1972]

Thanks lbj, that helps no pun intended ! I will substitute that word, hopefully he will be more receptive.  Kelti