Feeling helpless and lost

[LadyLion222]

Im 30 years old and the oldest of 5. My father died 8 years ago and mother is suffering from BPD and maybe some other things. I am suffering as well and usually find a way to deal with her and shield myself from the torment but today I am lost.

My mother doesn’t work and has never really worked, I honestly couldn’t even imagine her keeping a job she is always late, never consistent, can’t stay focused and doesn’t take any responsibility for anything she does. My father worked and provided mostly. Now that he is gone and I have seen my mother’s conditions worsen she has turned into a complete baby and I just don’t know how to deal. She literally acts like a child. My mother and all my sibling came to my house for x-mas dinner and stayed the 3 days ( I live with 3 roommates. By Sunday I finally decided to drive them home because it was getting to be a bit much. My mother makes a scene but not her usually yelling cursing tantrum. But she began to whine and say “come talk with me, why cant you come and talk to me”. I didn’t have time to give her this much attention not to mention she had 3 days of this already! I was tempted to give in but told her that I had to go and left. Every time I see my mother I have to TAKE CARE of her as if I have a child with me. She never has any money, always needs something and requires ALL attention. For two days she has been calling and texting me saying how all her kids are abusing her. She says that she is hurting and no one is helping her. She says she is without food, her cell phone is off and nobody will pay it and she doesn’t have a bed to sleep in etc. It’s everyone’s fault and she is going to call 911 and tell everyone how we are abusing her. It started to sound like she thought she was a child and we were the neglectful parents that she was going to report.

I’m having trouble understanding why my 49 year old mother expects me to completely take care of her. She wants us to pay her phone bill, buy her furniture, clothes, food, take her out for entertainment, bring her along when we go out with our friends, if we travel she expects us to pay her way. She also expects that we treat mother’s day and her birthday as if they were religious holidays and worship her. I am 30 and without the support of any parents I am trying to make my way through this world. I am barely on my own two feet. It’s so heart breaking, confusing and exhausting to deal with this. I really don’t know what to do. There is no family that can help us. I fear the only solution is to literally do what she wants and support her financially which is basically saying yes to everything she is asking. The request never stop and nothing is ever enough or good enough. I don’t want to be trapped in that cycle with her.

[Kwamina]

Hi LadyLion222  and welcome to bpdfamily

The situation you describe with your mother sounds quite difficult. I understand how you can feel lost when your own mother is behaving like this. Based on your description, it does seem that your mother might be 'parentifying' her own children which would be a complete role reversal. Has your mother been officially diagnosed with BPD?

I fear the only solution is to literally do what she wants and support her financially which is basically saying yes to everything she is asking. The request never stop and nothing is ever enough or good enough. I don’t want to be trapped in that cycle with her.

Your fear is something I believe many children raised by a BPD parent can relate to. Fear can keep you trapped doing things you don't feel comfortable doing. The same goes for 'Guilt' and 'Obligation'. We have an article here that I think you might find interesting:

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Are you comfortable with setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother? We have some information here that might help you in this department:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

What do your siblings think of your mother's behavior? Have you discussed the recent events and how this has made you feel with them?