How do I deal with this... ?

[sweetheart]

Hi guys,

I'm sorry if this seems trivial but for me it feels abusive and really passive aggressive - it's doing my head in and I know it's meant to! ( insert screaming emoji )

My dBPDh when he is in a negative, angry headspace and I won't engage with it starts to play really loud, angry hip hop littered with expletives. Yes I hate hate this music, but I get that he likes it. What I don't want is to be subjected to this, neither do I want to have to leave my home to get away from it as I have in the past. If I keep asking him to wear headphones or turn it down I know this is nagging.

We are way past the point of validation and well in to splitting and projection territory when he does this, it is exactly the same as verbal abuse just by music proxy and I don't want it in my home. Neither do I want our s6 exposed to it, thankfully he is out on his bike.

How do I deal with this in a way that seeks to avoid further dysregulation?

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[Cat Familiar]

Bose noise canceling headphones for you!

I've never tried them, but I've heard they work great.

It totally sucks that you can't enjoy peace and quiet in your house, but if he's going to do that and you don't want to confront him, then that's the only option I see for you.

[sweetheart]

Yes I suppose headphones are a possibility, but it feels so frustrating that I have to put headphones on myself and my son. I have sent my son into his room and put his headphones on and let him watch a film before.

The music is usually short lived and I think he wants a reaction, like JADEing. Sometimes the lyrics are vile, like things he would want to say to me but knows that I would not stay around to listen to it. It's like he has found a way round my boundary of removing myself from loud abusive foul language.

The passive aggressive part of it is working just fine as well because I am really angry when he does it and I want to scream at him to turn it off ( I don't ). Today I feel really annoyed. Do you know some times it's the smaller stuff that's harder to deal with. I can use the skills to disengage, validate etc but it's when he's acting out like a teenager this does my head in. My head is officially done in today!

[Cat Familiar]

The passive aggressive part of it is working just fine as well because I am really angry when he does it and I want to scream at him to turn it off ( I don't ). Today I feel really annoyed. Do you know some times it's the smaller stuff that's harder to deal with. I can use the skills to disengage, validate etc but it's when he's acting out like a teenager this does my head in. My head is officially done in today!

I totally get this. Some of the things that my husband does that drive me crazy are so insignificant: leaving dirty dishes on the counter, letting his wet clothes sit in the washer for days, not closing drawers or cabinet doors.

Then when I complain about these things, he can act superior--that I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

But being acoustically assaulted by loud music with vile lyrics--and in your very own home--to me, that is a big deal!

The only other thing I can think of is immediately leaving the house with your son when he does that.

[sweetheart]

oh cat I have an endless list of those things too.

Do you know I'm fed up with leaving my home I've had to do it a lot to enforce my boundaries around verbal abuse and it worked, now I just leave the room if he is going to escalate things up and usually that works.

I was hoping there was another way round it, the thought of gathering up s6 and driving around again to enforce the boundary makes me feel tired.

I think I'm just struggling today.

I was thinking of using the STOP confrontation that u can use if things getting out of control verbally. I remember looking it up after formflier mentioned it.

Sometimes the lyrics are really awful so before I leave the house when he does it again, and he will do it again, I'm going to try the STOP thing that's in the lessons. I'm going to say I want you to stop playing this music it's abusive and I feel threatened and intimidated by the lyrics. If it doesn't work then it's the car again. I think I was trying to see if there was another way other than leaving the house. I don't think there is.

Today has been a tough day, he's been looking to blame and nitpick all day and I wouldn't engage, so first it was the music, now it's the silent treatment. Even though I can disengage from this stuff, sometimes I just want to relax and eat chocolates on the sofa without there being an atmosphere. Chocolates don't taste as good when there's an atmosphere. 

[JohnLove]

Today has been a tough day, he's been looking to blame and nitpick all day and I wouldn't engage, so first it was the music, now it's the silent treatment. Even though I can disengage from this stuff, sometimes I just want to relax and eat chocolates on the sofa without there being an atmosphere. Chocolates don't taste as good when there's an atmosphere. 

Oh sweetheart... .you are doing so well.

... .and truly living up to your name. 

[flowerpath]

Hi, sweetheart.  It really is tiring to have to get in the car and leave instead of relax on the sofa, especially when it's cold outside.  Your question here made me think back to this response to a question I had about responding to verbal abuse with a boundary. 

You leaving probably suits him, and you probably return at a time that suits him. If the behavior continues then you may have to up the boundary consequence,eg staying away longer.

Saying "knock it off or you're out" wont be taken serious, and probably trigger something else. You may have to demonstrate "knock it off or I'm out", as you have more direct control over that.

It is unlikely you will eliminate all attempts of at least being disrespectful, at least in the short run. That is part of the Disorder

[sweetheart]

Flowerpath thanks, I think that is probably the kind of reaction he wants, after all it is a reaction/response if I leave the house or ask him to stop. I never give him any kind of ultimatum or direct consequence, like asking him to leave. When things were really bad last year I did ask him to leave the house and go and cool off, this just escalated everything and he heard me asking him to leave forever. The results were two overdoses that he would have died from had I not contacted the police to instigate a Welfare check when he had been gone a long time. As it was a dog walker found him unconscious on the beach one time.

I know it is the illness and how he feels finding a way to express itself, I suppose I just want this aspect of it to stop. I know I'm entering a magical/wishful thinking arena with my thoughts around this.

I'm finding the small niggly things about the illness very hard to live with at the moment. He is being monitored at home by a crisis nursing team since the week before Christmas and this is creating it's own kind of fallout for him and for us as a family.

It doesn't help that I absolutely hate hip hop music, on a personal level I find most of it really offensive. I think I'm disappointed that in our early years together he what I now know mirrored my taste in music. It is only in the last year that his real music choices have been revealed. I am disappointed that what I thought was really him is not, and this angry, woman hating, violent music is a real aspect of how he feels about the world.

[sweetheart]

This is the second time in three days a mental health nurse has come into our home sat and spoken with my h. No raised voices, no nothing. Nurse leaves and he goes into a paranoid rant at me, shouting, blaming etc etc I know why he is doing this but I've had enough. I just walked away crying. So when I stopped crying I went and said to him that I feel it's best for both of us and our son that he takes the next hospital bed offered to him. He's been offered one last week and he turned it down because of its location.

I said I felt that some time apart would give us a chance to take some time out from each other. I said if I had somewhere else to go at the moment I would take our son and go there. There is nowhere for either of us to go, this would be a good option.

I realise that every bit of what I said is invalidating and prob makes everything worse but it's the holidays and my s6 is my priority and I won't have him exposed to this.

Things are so rubbish at the moment.

[Cat Familiar]

Sweetheart, you've got your priorities straight--taking care of you son and seeking a time out from your husband. I hope he takes the next offer of the hospital bed and gives you some well deserved respite.