This "new" life?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's weird.

At my age (north of 40, not quite 50) I never thought I'd be on my own.

FINALLY I have moved past that, and come to grips with; Yes, you will be on your own.

In one hand it's good.

The freedom from the abuse and misery is awesome.

The ability to chase "my" dream, "my" goals.

I get to be 'me'.

I get to move away from this state.

Each day I try to see the 'good' in this new 'single' life.

On the other hand, it can/does take my breath away.

I have a separated shoulder, and in one week, I will have no insurance.

Obamacare is confusing and I don't understand it, nor do I have someone to explain it.

I have no one to 'help' if I get sick or injured.

Things like that.

I believe that "man (woman) should not be alone" but I also believe it is BETTER to be alone than in an abusive relationship.

Some days, I am excited about this 'new adventure'... .

Some days, I'm down right scared.

Trying to undo what was done to me PLUS trying to (after 25 years) learn how to be 'alone'... .it's a lot.

And some days, I don't do so well adjusting.

I think once I get out of this limbo that I am in (house not selling) that my healing and advancing will come along quicker... .

But for now, this roller coaster of emotions, is wearing me out.

For those of you who have been thru this process, how are you doing? Does it get better?

[going places]

It's weird.

At my age (north of 40, not quite 50) I never thought I'd be on my own.

FINALLY I have moved past that, and come to grips with; Yes, you will be on your own.

In one hand it's good.

The freedom from the abuse and misery is awesome.

The ability to chase "my" dream, "my" goals.

I get to be 'me'.

I get to move away from this state.

Each day I try to see the 'good' in this new 'single' life.

On the other hand, it can/does take my breath away.

I have a separated shoulder, and in one week, I will have no insurance.

Obamacare is confusing and I don't understand it, nor do I have someone to explain it.

I have no one to 'help' if I get sick or injured.

Things like that.

I believe that "man (woman) should not be alone" but I also believe it is BETTER to be alone than in an abusive relationship.

Some days, I am excited about this 'new adventure'... .

Some days, I'm down right scared.

Trying to undo what was done to me PLUS trying to (after 25 years) learn how to be 'alone'... .it's a lot.

And some days, I don't do so well adjusting.

I think once I get out of this limbo that I am in (house not selling) that my healing and advancing will come along quicker... .

But for now, this roller coaster of emotions, is wearing me out.

For those of you who have been thru this process, how are you doing? Does it get better?

[talithacumi]

I'm north of 50, not quite 60 - and 4+ years out of the 12+ year relationship with an upwBPD whose sudden, unexpected, and emotionally violent ending left me absolutely devastated on every possible level.

The life I'm living now is not the life I believed, felt, thought, expected, and planned to be living for so long. My brain still has trouble adjusting to that fact. I still have to consciously remind myself that this isn't just a temporary situation, that things aren't ever going to go back to the way they were, and that - given everything I've been through and now know - I really don't want them to go back to the way they were either. There is still a part of me that's really confused by how I came to be in this place - living this life I wasn't planning or expecting to live - and still have such a difficult time recognizing and feeling at home in.

But I tell myself it's okay. This IS new. It IS different. I don't know how to be, or what to do, or how to go about attending to all the details of something so essentially unfamiliar and foreign to me. Because it isn't just my life that's different now. I'm different, too. I don't want to deal with what happened in the way I dealt with similar stuff in the past. I don't want to keep trying to fix it or make it work so I can continue to be with my ex and not have everything change. I don't want to run right out and find someone else willing to give me that kind of life so nothing has to change either. And, for the first time in my life, I don't NEED to do that either. I have other options. Better options. I may not know exactly what they entail, or how to make them work, but I'm here - doing it - and willing/able to learn.

I think it's okay for you, too, goingplaces, to find yourself a little insecure, uncertain, and scared about finding yourself in this new place. Hard to remember just how much better it actually is - how much safer, more secure, and happier you feel inside - when everything is so new/different - and you're so busy just getting familiar with the landscape, language, and customs of a place you never thought you'd find yourself in a million years.

It does get better. It gets easier. You will become more familiar with it. You will become more comfortable and confident. You will develop the knowledge/understanding you need to not feel so overwhelmed and threatened by it so you can feel - in the moment and the way you used to feel things when you were comfortable in your old life - all the many ways it really does make you so much happier to be here, in this place now, instead of where you were for so long.

Just gotta give yourself some time.

- TC

[going places]

Thank you so much.

I am impatient. 

I really want to take off running, and not look back... .

[Perfidy]

Going places, hello and happy thanksgiving! Obamacare, ouch, I feel your pain! Change is the very nature of life. All that is built will crumble, all who meet will be parted. Permanence is nonexistent. Our lives and all objects and phenomena are held in the arms of impermanence. Once we understand this fully and know that it is ubiquitous our suffering will stop. impermanence is necessary in that successful evolution is adaptation to change. We evolve individually throughout our lifetime and as a species throughout eternity. This knowledge has been fundamental in my continued happiness. I've been able to put a lot behind me and move forward without one of my feet stuck in the past. It is hard to let go and move on. Once I accepted that it is indeed hard then it was not hard anymore. Just normal. Once I accepted that change is human nature, I was able to begin living in happiness. I am able to date women and not get caught up right away. Have fun and not fall into a grind. BTW, I recently celebrated 53 solar orbits. The dynamics of BPD haven't appeared in any of the several women that I've dated and one that I was in about a six month relationship with. I ended it because the push/pull began and when I pointed it out to her she agreed that it was there, however, it didnt stop. We didnt have even one argument but she flip flopped several times and i didn't buy a ticket for that ride. None of them needed saving. No wounded birds. All grown adults taking care of themselves. None of them muscled their way into my life and just took over. The contrast in dynamics is almost shocking. So change is good. Seems like it's here to stay!

[ucmeicu2]

I believe that "man (woman) should not be alone" but I also believe it is BETTER to be alone than in an abusive relationship.  Some days, I am excited about this 'new adventure'... .  Some days, I'm down right scared. 

hi going places, i agree with you and feel the same way and have the same sort of excitements and fears. 

what i want to say -  and what you probably already know - is that "not being in a relationship" doesn't have to equal "being alone".   humans are not meant to be alone, not meant to go it alone in life. 

so, try to find a community(ies) IRL (in real life) where you can be a part of a group, get support, have others to support and others to fall back on when you need help.  perhaps a church or spiritual group, a hobby group (photography, fly fishing, whatever interests you), an exercise group at your local ymca, a choir, etc, or even volunteer work.  you can meet some wonderful people and start to build up a support network. 

good luck to you!  plz give us an update. 

icu

[going places]

I have 2 offers on my house!

Scary and exciting at the same time!

[talithacumi]

Whoo-who! 

[qkslvrgirl]

Hi Going Places - hope things worked out your house offers!

Just want to add to the discussion that I found it helpful to embrace the fears I felt (and still occasionally experience) in my new life outside the BPD relationship dance. Doing so - recognizing a fear and fully diving into it - makes it dissipate quickly.

It's just an emotional response to a perceived danger in the future: It may or may not manifest. In reality, we are all changing and having a new experience each moment; so getting lost in thoughts and fears is an indulgence. I can choose not to eat another cookie - and (amazingly) I can choose to recognize fearful emotions and move through them.

Quicksilver Girl

[seenoevil]

"recognizing a fear and fully diving into it - makes it dissipate quickly."

well said, reading this thread has been very helpful to me today.

I have been in this deep FOG for the past couple of weeks.  I filed for divorce.  I know this is what I want.  I can't go back to the life I had with my uBPDw.  I'm still in the house, but I don't miss spending anytime near her.  I feel bad I'm putting my daugther throught this.  I don't know what will happen to our house which is underwater.  I don't know where my daughter will end up living and how much I will get to see her.  I don't know how much the divorce will cost or how much $ I will have left after child support and alimony.  My wife is trying to make me feel guilty for filing for divorce. 

I do feel good about a future free from abuse and manipulation. 

[Scupper]

Wow, - all the best, Seenoevil. Stressful times but it will get better.