Should I make her hate me?

[Joshuaua]

My ex recently came back 2 weeks ago and slept and "loved" me again for a week while she had a new BF.  After 4 days she finally "ended" it with him, yet remained friends. She was going back to the city he lives while he was home from work for a few days so I asked "are you going to see him?"  And she flipped out and the next day called and said she was good back. I had no contact for a week after this except for the other night when she called me at 1:30am out of the blue talking about suicide.  Then nothing since for 3 days. My question is... Should I tell her new BF that he got cheated on and that I was sittig right beside her when she broke up with him? This way maybe she'll paint me so black I'll protect myself from having her continuously come back or should I just pay low, and either ignore when she comes back again or play indifferent and get some easy sex! Lol . I know this comes from a place of bitterness but hey...

[Blimblam]

She's going to do what she's going to do.

I at one point felt I should make my ex hate me because it would be easier for me to not let her recycle me over and over. I regret it now and feel I took the cowards way out. The thing is for a long time after the relationship ended I didn't know up from down or how I was supposed to feel or what to do.  Any time I took someone else's advice on what I ought to be doing with myself it caused me more harm because I wasn't in touch with myself I wasn't doing what I felt I should be doing. What I needed to do was just writh in pain and find my own inner voice again reclaim authority over myself. 

[patientandclear]

Whenever I read a question about how to manipulate the BPDex into leaving the ex partner alone, it sounds like rationalization for engagement. If you actually want to be left alone, it takes resolve and silence. It may be painful. But it's not that hard logistically. You have to do it and you have to mean it.

[Aussie JJ]

One thing that occurs to me from having to much knowledge about BPD. 

Their hatred for us (ex partners) tends to come from perceived injustices that we have done.  Now perceived injustices are essentially they got a new partner and we dont fit the new mold that they are choosing to live in.  In otherwords, we are contrary to their new beleifs due to mirroring someone else.  Hence we are different and bad as we are not what they are mirroring. 

If we were good they would be with us, we cant be good because that would mean that they are bad for leaving us.  Black and white.  So for them to be good people we have to be bad people... .

How illogical is that.  Their is a reason the different advice from those that have been their is sit back fight through the storm of accusations and protect yourself. 

When those actions are highlighted a pwBPD will often crawl back into their shell and feel shame, feel like a bad person. 

Consider this, if you do what your thinking of.  Will you be able to look back and say I acted with compasion to my ex partner and in a way that I am proud of.  I lived my values. 

Be who you want to be.  Be free from the cycle of negativity and dont respond.  Be proud of saying positive things about your ex.  People will get it in time and you can look back and you will be alot happier with yourself. 

My2 cents. 


AJJ. 

[Blimblam]

Whenever I read a question about how to manipulate the BPDex into leaving the ex partner alone, it sounds like rationalization for engagement. If you actually want to be left alone, it takes resolve and silence. It may be painful. But it's not that hard logistically. You have to do it and you have to mean it.

Excellent insight patient and clear!

I agree with this 100% and engaged in this activity a lot.

[vortex of confusion]

There is no way to predict how the other person will react. I will admit that I have done some not so wonderful things to my husband in the hopes that he would get mad at me. I emailed women that he was talking to and told them that he was a sex addict and a bunch of other stuff. Instead of getting mad at me, he was very grateful because he saw it as me trying to protect him. One hand, I may have been trying to protect him. From my perspective, I was being a jealous jerk that didn't really want him talking to these women, especially because he would sit on the couch next to me while messaging with them. No matter what I do, he twists it around to fit HIS agenda. It is a real mind mess. There are times when I do nice things for him and he will take it as a personal attack. I have had to figure out what works for me and do that. I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I want and how I can move forward with as few regrets as possible.

So, do what you feel is best without trying to make her mad or make things worse. I have a lot of regrets about some of the things that I have done because I was not behaving with regards to who I am but was instead trying to get some kind of reaction out of my husband. That does NOT work. I ended up hating myself for my behavior.

[Blimblam]

One thing that occurs to me from having to much knowledge about BPD. 

Their hatred for us (ex partners) tends to come from perceived injustices that we have done.  Now perceived injustices are essentially they got a new partner and we dont fit the new mold that they are choosing to live in.  In otherwords, we are contrary to their new beleifs due to mirroring someone else.  Hence we are different and bad as we are not what they are mirroring. 

If we were good they would be with us, we cant be good because that would mean that they are bad for leaving us.  Black and white.  So for them to be good people we have to be bad people... .

How illogical is that.  Their is a reason the different advice from those that have been their is sit back fight through the storm of accusations and protect yourself. 

When those actions are highlighted a pwBPD will often crawl back into their shell and feel shame, feel like a bad person. 

Consider this, if you do what your thinking of.  Will you be able to look back and say I acted with compasion to my ex partner and in a way that I am proud of.  I lived my values. 

Be who you want to be.  Be free from the cycle of negativity and dont respond.  Be proud of saying positive things about your ex.  People will get it in time and you can look back and you will be alot happier with yourself. 

My2 cents. 


AJJ. 

Of anything I have read anywhere on BPD this is the clearest and most concise explanation I have read on what takes place once we have been replaced. This post is gold distilled from countless hours of research and contemplation.