N/C 30 Days Saturday want to send him letter

[downwhim]

I never got to say my piece. I want to let him know I knew he was cheating. I want to tell him he has BPD. I want to let him know his chick will be visited by the police if she calls my cell phone late at night again.

I am bottled up. I need to get rid of this pain. 90 days in one week. I have him off all media but wanted to send a letter in the mail.

It is not for response but for my sanity. What do you think?

[Pingo]

Hi downwhim, do you think he'll reply?  If so, what is your expectation? 

I did something similar probably about 2 mths after we split.  I had found out some major secrets he had been keeping from me (another woman) and I felt the need to let him know he didn't 'get away' with anything.  Not sure what I expected back but I didn't get it.  I got a lot of projection and vitriol!  Was it helpful to me in the end?  Not sure.  Kept me wrapped up emotionally perhaps in the drama where I would have been better off just ignoring him and not giving him that energy. 

Is he likely to use your letter against you?  Keep that in mind if you do send it.

[patientandclear]

I found out things at the end that caused me to set new boundaries in the r/ship, and those so offended/threatened him he essentially tossed me out of his life.

When I first learned the new information, he could sense I was upset (we were closely attuned emotionally :/) and he offered to talk by phone. We were long distance by that point and he was super averse to the phone, but suddenly he was offering phone calls to talk things through.

The thing is, there was nothing to talk about. I could have told him I was hurt by his choices but that would have been playing into the BPD cycle of persecution and control. He would have to resist my effort to control him by sharing my pain at what he had chosen to do. Etc.

The fact is these were his choices and he made them knowing they would hurt me if I knew. He didn't think I knew, but if he was concerned about my pain, this is not something that would have been happening in the first place.

So somewhat to my surprise, given that I am a talker and an explainer, I didn't take him up on the phone call. Later, when i was ready, I explained my new boundaries. But I never had an "I know what you did" discussion. I felt somehow I just didn't want to occupy that role--the wronged long suffering loyal one pointing out that he was untrue. He knew he was. Was it necessary for me to show him I knew he was? It seemed appropriate to move to action rather than showing him my wounds.

There is an important passage we cross over at some point where we no longer care what they think the reason is that we are no longer there. In my case, my ex is a super smart and emotionally intuitive guy and when he had to, he could figure all kinds of stuff out. Heck, when we were first together, he was always afraid I'd leave him because I'd heard a bad story about him from mutual friends. So all the information he needed to figure out the reason for my shift - if he cared -- was at hand. When I finally alluded to it when communicating my new boundary, he denied it anyway.

So I guess the question I'd ask is why you think it will make you feel better to make sure he knows what you know.  And would you feel even better if you communicate through actions? Now or in the future when/if he comes back around?

[myself]

Sending a letter IS an action. If the response is to get him to look into his own mirror, facing what he's done/continues doing, it may or may not work. Probably won't have the effect you're looking for. If you're doing it for YOUR sanity, and you really see it would be beneficial for YOU, then send it. Or write it, get as much of it out as you can, and don't send it. That might help you get some of the feelings processed, frustrations dissipated and etc. If his new whoever rings your phone again, why warn her? She knows there could be consequences, that's part of the game. The best thing to do, if you're really done with him, is not add to the drama. Spend your time and efforts letting go/moving on with your life. Focus on you, not him.

[Perdita]

I would encourage you to write that letter, read it a few times, show it to a trusted close friend and then burn it.  While I was still with mine I wrote a lot of letters explaining how his actions were hurting me yet also trying to build up his self-confidence in those letter.  Nothing helped.  I sure know it wouldn't help after the fact.  In my experience, they don't care.  He might ignore you completely and that will hurt.  Or he will reply and the odds are that this will hurt you too.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[ogopogodude]

I never got to say my piece. I want to let him know I knew he was cheating. I want to tell him he has BPD. I want to let him know his chick will be visited by the police if she calls my cell phone late at night again.

I am bottled up. I need to get rid of this pain. 90 days in one week. I have him off all media but wanted to send a letter in the mail.

It is not for response but for my sanity. What do you think?

I think that you may crave closure. This will never happen.  It just won't.  Perhaps block his new girl's incoming calls on your phone. This CAN be done quite easily.  Just do it. There is no reason for you to talk to his new gal in his life.  This will probably get you no where.  

Thirty days NC is awesome. Now try for 60.  Then your next goal is 120 days.  If you feel bottled up, ... go for a long walk. Call a girl friend. Run it by your friend on what you would like to do (send him a letter).  See what she thinks.  You need to have this someone, that is outside the bubble, give her thoughts to you. And it should be a friend that doesn't have a great distaste for your ex but someone more neutral, and can see things from a distance/bird's eye view.  You are still inside the bubble.

Long walks are good for the soul.  They have never hurt anyone (unless u are a cardiac patent).  But sending a letter may hurt someone. It may even may hurt yourself.    

[hope2727]

I send my letters to a friend. Actually to one of a couple of friends. They translate them into ex-ese for me and respond as they think he would.   It helps me tremendously. Send me one here if you like and I shall show you.  It NEVER worked when I sent them to him. EVER! He just warped my words, lashed out and projected.  Ugg. Gross.

So now I just text or email one of my selected "translators" and then I feel better. There is not reasoning with a broken brain so I can't reach him. The writing is for me after all.

[fred6]

Sending a letter IS an action. If the response is to get him to look into his own mirror, facing what he's done/continues doing, it may or may not work. Probably won't have the effect you're looking for. If you're doing it for YOUR sanity, and you really see it would be beneficial for YOU, then send it. Or write it, get as much of it out as you can, and don't send it. That might help you get some of the feelings processed, frustrations dissipated and etc. If his new whoever rings your phone again, why warn her? She knows there could be consequences, that's part of the game. The best thing to do, if you're really done with him, is not add to the drama. Spend your time and efforts letting go/moving on with your life. Focus on you, not him.

I feel the same way as songbook here. I lived with my ex after the cheating and split for 2 months while looking for a place to live. She wouldn't sit down and talk to me, because in her words "there's nothing to talk about". A week before I moved out, the reality of the situation set in and I had things that I had to say before I left. For a whole week, I wrote and re wrote what I wanted to say to her. I even posted the letter here for advice on whether to give it to her or not. The majority of posters here told me not to give her the letter. However, the last time I saw or talked to her when I was moving out, I handed her an envelope with the letter and her house key in it. I never got a reply or acknowledgement that she had even read the letter. She may have thrown it in the garbage and not even read it. At minimum it gave me the feeling that I at least tried to say what I had to say. If I had to do all over again, I would still give her the letter, but it would be much less emotional and lovey.

downwhim, I think that since you have been NC for an good amount of time, that you will have to determine your true intentions for sending the letter. And also how it will affect you if he doesn't respond or responds negatively. It's hard having something to say to someone and they won't listen. If you must, send the letter, say what you have to say with no expectations and stay NC. I would strongly suggest that you not write about your feelings toward him, love, good memories, and things like that. Whatever you decide, let us know. We are all here for you. Take care.

[downwhim]

Thank you for your replies. Hope, I am going to take you up on it. Next week when my son goes back  to college I will sit down and write and send it to you.

I want no response from him at all but I can't really control that can I? I just wanted to say my piece. He may turn crazy on me and send an evil letter back and it will be more pain.

I was doing this for MY closure. So Hope your on... .

Her phone number comes up unavailable and she catches me off guard in the middle of the night so I cannot block without a phone number. I guess police can trace it if it happens again I will call them and pay to have it traced. It is harassment and I don't want the drama but also do not want to be awakened in the middle of the night with her games either!

Thanks all 90 days N/C next week... .whew!

[hope2727]

I turn my phone off at 9 PM. Boundaries. Yes pay to have it traced. Actions have consequences. Period. We are all adults. If I harass someone I am held accountable for it. End discussion.

So PM me the letter and I shall translate it with the BPD to English dictionary as I understand it. Its hopeless to send it to them. They don't get it and never will.

We are the adults here. We have to take the high ground for our own health and theirs.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

No don't send a letter.  Complete Radio Silence.  Let their cheating, disordered, manipulative and gas lighting minds reverberate to the deafening tinnitus sounds of complete silence.  

Seriously though - I doubt it would achieve anything, and he will concoct an explanation no matter how bizarre.  

[downwhim]

Opps, meant to put on the post 90 not 30 days N/C. Guess I am tired. I have 3 sons so I tend to keep my phone on incase one of them gets into trouble. Usually happens at night... ..

Thanks again for your help Hope.

[downwhim]

Your right MrConfused,

He would justify his behavior somehow and make me the bad guy. I am painted so black so I can imagine the tirade out of his mouth. Your right Radio Silence. Hope gets to help me vent by reading it!

I so appreciate this site... .

[Ripped Heart]

Downwhim, I would have to agree with the sentiments of most of the posters here.

Having been in that position myself recently and also observing the phonecalls I had with exBPDgf. The moment emotions of any kind were brought up, she switched off and was too busy. Sometimes she would say she had a headache or the pain was too much to think about right now.

However, at the very end, I sent 2 messages, one to tell her what a great and wonderful person she was and the other to tell her I knew about everything and that it was ok because I was trying to understand her and connect with her. One was kept, the other was binned, can you guess which? Despite that, not once were any of the messages I sent ever brought up or mentioned.

So, if you were to send a letter and you didn't get a response, you might find that it tears away at you even more. As suggested here, write a letter and give it to a friend or simply write it, forgive yourself and burn the letter. Why? Because then you have control over the response and aren't kept in limbo.

[downwhim]

Yes, I want no reaction from him and if I got one it would be negative and cruel. When he sent me the break up email he said and "don't bring up anything personal." He had already set the tone.

If I could change one thing in my life it would have been that I would not have met him. The pain has far out weighed any joy or goodness brought yet the addiction still wears on. I know this is why I wake up thinking of him and feel sad all day. I thought by almost 90 days I would be more detached. It just goes to show what trauma and abuse do to a person.

He never thought he abused me for one second. If he was to tell you what kind of bf he was he would say excellent, giving, perfect. His reactions were not rages, I needed to get over it. The PTSD was so bad after our b/u that I felt exhausted and drained everyday for months.

I know I need to move on and focus more and more on myself... . Learn to love myself just as the book I am reading says... .Us codependents have a hard time doing just that!

[Ripped Heart]

Yes, I want no reaction from him and if I got one it would be negative and cruel. When he sent me the break up email he said and "don't bring up anything personal." He had already set the tone.

If I could change one thing in my life it would have been that I would not have met him. The pain has far out weighed any joy or goodness brought yet the addiction still wears on. I know this is why I wake up thinking of him and feel sad all day. I thought by almost 90 days I would be more detached. It just goes to show what trauma and abuse do to a person.

He never thought he abused me for one second. If he was to tell you what kind of bf he was he would say excellent, giving, perfect. His reactions were not rages, I needed to get over it. The PTSD was so bad after our b/u that I felt exhausted and drained everyday for months.

I know I need to move on and focus more and more on myself... . Learn to love myself just as the book I am reading says... .Us codependents have a hard time doing just that!

I felt the same way about my exN/BPDw when we first separated. The pain was so intense it was nothing I had ever felt before and never wanted to experience again. I was so enmeshed in the fantasy that I accepted the abuse I received to the point of feeling deserving of it. Stockholm Syndrome is closely linked to PTSD too. It's a survival tactic used by us who were abused to sympathise and empathise with our abusers to the point we don't see the abuse and see things through their perspective.

It took a very long time for me to detatch from my exN/BPDw after the split, had I not had a brilliant Therapist I have no doubt that no matter where I was in the world, if she clicked her fingers I would have been back. He strengthened and re-enforced what abuse was and every now and again I would still slip into her being the victim. This was my rescuer trying to kick out with the chance of still saving her.

During my detachment, I felt the very same way you do that if I could change one thing it would be that I never met her. But then I started to focus on me. I realised that had it not been for her, I would never have looked inwards, I would never have had the opportunity to address my own core wounds, I would never have met my Therapist and probably never would have been able to identify with what abuse really was. I grew up with abuse because I was different, so to me that was my normal. It didn't mean I wanted to abuse others, just that I learned to have a thick skin and let it slide off to the point I stopped recognising it. From my ex, I learn what the wrong kind of love is and so many more valuable lessons. By being who she was, she gave me an opportunity to make changes in myself that I had never even considered before and most importantly, the opportunity to be free.

2 years after I end up in another BPD r/s but with a low functioning pwBPD and very different. It's had it's own fair share of troubles but the lessons I learned the first time around stayed with me. What kept me in the r/s was that I still never fully addressed my own rescuer tendencies but through the past couple of weeks with help here and also the lessons I learned before, I was the one who stood up and said enough was enough and it felt empowering to be in control of myself.

So in terms of writing a letter, I think for almost a year I would have written page after page of how my ex hurt me, the pain I felt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness. I wanted her to know how much it hurt me because it had ALWAYS been about her.

If I was to write that same letter now, it would be to thank her for the lessons and growth I was able to accomplish as a result of meeting her and being with her. There would also be a great deal of empathy towards her because as much as we can change, I know (and therapist knew) it was something she would never be able to do. Even if she had an ounce of self awareness, the Narcissist in her wouldn't allow it. She is trapped like that for the rest of her life so the anger I felt towards her is now pity and the freedom she gave given me to find myself and address my own issues is the greatest gift she ever could have given.

Moving on is about when you are ready and sometimes as a co-dependent it's very difficult to figure out when to take that first step. But the moment you do you gather momentum and life will really begin to open up