Re-writing our story

[Pingo]

I have been ruminating lately but not my typical doomsday scenario ruminating or thinking of all the glorious good times .

I have been remembering some of the ridiculous times and things he did and I have been imagining reacting differently if I could go back in time.   I think this is my way of making the list of bad things to keep myself from wanting him back but putting an empowering twist to it.

For instance, one time I cooked chili and put chick peas in it.  I knew he didn't like chick peas but figured he could pick them out.  It is the way I make my chili.  He had a temper tantrum over it!  It was ridiculous.  I don't remember what I said but I was p*ssed.  Looking back now, I wish I could go back in time and take the plate from in front of him to the kitchen and dump it in the garbage!  Of course this would have led to him freaking out and leaving the house in a rage.  But I so wish I could redo that moment!

Another time, we drove into my complex and there was no more parking.  He flipped out bc it meant he would have to park on the street.  He told me I needed to move my car to the street so he could park in my spot otherwise he was going home.  Oh!  How I wish I just said goodbye to him and let him go!  Nope, like the constant pleaser I was, I moved my car and this forever established the rule that if there was no parking I was to move my car.  His was more valuable/important!

Another thing that happened is he ruined almost every single vacation.  I remember being 12 hrs from home with him raging and giving me the ST and I just kept my mouth shut hoping he'd snap out of it.  I felt so trapped as he was the one driving.  I so wish I just said 'pull over' and got out and started walking to the nearest bus station.  I wish I had just not tolerated one more minute of his childish BS! 

I could go on and on.  Truthfully if I stood up to him the first time he pulled his crap the r/s would never have gone anywhere and I would not be here trying to break this trauma bond. 

Anyone else want to go back and re-write their story?

[hope2727]

OH YES! So much. Thank you for articulating that so well.

He drove dangerously and once tried to drive into oncoming traffic with me in the car. I grabbed the wheel and yelled stop in a commanding voice. I then told him to pull over but he refused. I should never have gotten into a car with him again.

He pouted and sulked when we were out doing things I wanted to do. I should have told him to leave so I could have fun. The one time I did he left and cried in his car in full view then came back in and had fun only to break up with me when everyone left.

When he pouted over food I too should have told him to starve. 

When he flirted and had emotional affairs I should have to him to go be with them. The occasions when I did he stepped up his behaviour and was respectful again.

When he broke up by text message I should have told him ok. Good luck.

Interestingly enough when I did stand my ground he snapped into better behaviour and even told me he had far more respect for me. Lessons learned. I just don't want to have to be in a relationship with a child with size 12 feet and a credit card. I am worth more than that. I don't want a relationship where I am essentially training a badly behaved child for eternity. If I thought he could learn a lesson and then grow and not repeat the bad act maybe but its always the same thing over and over again.

I am learning but I am a work in progress though. What can I say.

[myself]

I wouldn't rewrite our story, because some of it was great and I learned from it. Some of it was horrible, which I also learned from. I wish I would have read between the lines much sooner, sifting out the facts from the illusions, the truths from the lies. Which would have shortened/changed the relationship for sure. My ex and her disordered ways actually did rewrite much of our story, causing extra doubts and pain, which really sucked.

[Trog]

Just the fact he doesn't like chick peas sets off alarm bells!

Yes, quite often they are ridiculous, many of the things she did to me are so embarressing I won't even tell my closest family members, im embarressed for her.

I don't want to rewrite it only that i would have dumped her the minute she dumped boiling food on my head, or just have got up and walked out on day 1. Wouldn't wish to relive a single day.

[Deeno02]

I'm with you Pingo. If I could have a do over, I would. I would have bailed like a mother fu*cker at that first your a bad boyfriend, treat me special or lose me speech. Would have saved me a crap ton of pain...

[hergestridge]

Since our relationsship ended earler this year I have had the opportunity to re-write our story in a more realistic light. I have become much less forgiving as I have realized how much of the major decisions in my life over the last 20 years that have been taken under threats from her.

At the time I just saw it as her being difficult - or worse - as me being a ___ty partner. Now I can it clearly and see that I did all I possibly could to meet her needs and I was met with threats and manipulations. Once she got her way she was happy for a few weeks, then it all started over again.

[Pingo]

Interestingly enough when I did stand my ground he snapped into better behaviour and even told me he had far more respect for me. Lessons learned. I just don't want to have to be in a relationship with a child with size 12 feet and a credit card. I am worth more than that. I don't want a relationship where I am essentially training a badly behaved child for eternity. If I thought he could learn a lesson and then grow and not repeat the bad act maybe but its always the same thing over and over again.

That is interesting hope2727, mine did the opposite.  When I started calling him on his behaviours they got 10 times worse!

I wouldn't rewrite our story, because some of it was great and I learned from it. Some of it was horrible, which I also learned from.

I get what you mean songbook and I know that out of this nightmare will come a new and much healthier 'me'.  I guess in a way I'm imagining that if ever faced with the same scenario I'll be stronger and take care of myself a lot better.

Just the fact he doesn't like chick peas sets off alarm bells!

Bwahahahaha

Yes, quite often they are ridiculous, many of the things she did to me are so embarressing I won't even tell my closest family members, im embarressed for her.

Yes, Trog, I am embarrassed about many of the things mine did too and didn't tell anyone about this stuff while it was happening and haven't even told it all since.

I'm with you Pingo. If I could have a do over, I would. I would have bailed like a mother fu*cker at that first your a bad boyfriend, treat me special or lose me speech. Would have saved me a crap ton of pain...

So if you could go back to that moment Deeno, what would you like to say to her?

Since our relationsship ended earler this year I have had the opportunity to re-write our story in a more realistic light. I have become much less forgiving as I have realized how much of the major decisions in my life over the last 20 years that have been taken under threats from her.

At the time I just saw it as her being difficult - or worse - as me being a ty partner. Now I can it clearly and see that I did all I possibly could to meet her needs and I was met with threats and manipulations. Once she got her way she was happy for a few weeks, then it all started over again.

Yes hergestridge, It's amazing what some time out does for our perceptions of what happened.  I can relate to all of this and I'm still finding myself shocked over new realisations even after almost 7 mths out. 

I know these things I mentioned were not terribly awful things he did.  He did do some plenty awful things too but it was the little daily jabs and abuses that really wore me down.  One of the most shameful things I allowed is when he showed my s10 disrespect.  One time my son was doing an art project and he screwed it up and got really upset and threw it on the floor out of frustration and anger.  This made my ex snap!  He got enraged and sent my son to his room (his stepson), told him not to be such a suck-hole or something along those lines.  I was so shocked I didn't do anything!  I allowed my son to go to his room crying and I just felt powerless!  I asked my ex why that upset him so much, he wasn't directing his anger at anyone.  Just the art project.  I went up and talked to my son and told him to come down and we sort of swept it under the rug.  I WISH I had said NO!  My son will NOT go to his room!  YOU go to your room for being such a jerk!  I carry a lot of shame over not standing up for my son.  At the end of the r/s, right before we BU I sort of had a do-over but with my d21.  She was staying with me (wasn't living at home at the time) trying to get her ___ together and he didn't want her staying in the house while we were at work!  I at first tried to reassure him but then we ended up fighting about it and I put my foot down and told him I didn't need his permission to have my daughter stay with us!  He of course freaked out but I stuck to my guns and refused to back down and let him control the situation.  Later in that fight he got physical with me and that was pretty much the end of things for us, I told him not long after that I wanted to BU.

[WhyMe?]

This is the first thing that happened that threw up a    for me - before we even started dating. I posted about it recently as well, but I'll recap it again.

I ran my own business and had a part time job. Often I'd do some work at home before going into the PT job. One morning I was sitting at my desk working, when he popped up on iChat (because of his abuse of chatting, I now keep all chats closed on all my devices. This was back in 2006 so it was just my computer).

He asks me what I'm doing and I say I'm working on quotes. He says "Oh? But you were coming over for pancakes! I already started them".

I honestly had no recollection of that, but figured it was possible I forgot. I did have a lot of work to do though, so I apologized and asked for a rain check. He begged and pleaded, saying they'd be ruined if I didn't come over, and besides, we had made plans and I couldn't break them. (as our relationship progressed, he'd tell me that the future of our r/s depended on me being at his place, or whatever else he "needed" at that moment).

People pleaser that I am, I sighed, packed up and went over there. I certainly didn't see a huge stack of pancakes but he did have batter ready. He was happy as could be and I barely made it to work on time (something that would happen again and again in the next 3 years).

Seriously, you can freeze pancakes and eat them later. I always made big batches and did that. What a moron I was! I really feel that one incident set the tone for the rest of our relationship (and he pulled the same thing about pizza on me 2 years later - I get there and it's still frozen in the oven).

[Pingo]

WhyMe? your story reminded me of something my ex told me a long time ago.  His exgf was busy working from home one weekend (didn't have time for him I guess) so he went to a restaurant and picked up breakfast to bring to her house and 'surprise' her.  Apparently she didn't seem terribly impressed, ate and sort of rushed him out of the house.  He was so insulted by this, apparently she was totally ungrateful, etc, etc.  Looking back now, I'm sure he was checking up on her as he did this with me too by 'surprising' me at work.  I also think he told me this story to make sure I always acted 'grateful' of his surprises even though I told him time and time again I don't like surprises (and even more so after I realised he was using these surprises to keep track of me, make sure I wasn't up to anything nefarious ).  Wish I had told him to stick his surprises up his a$$! 

[Deeno02]

Interestingly enough when I did stand my ground he snapped into better behaviour and even told me he had far more respect for me. Lessons learned. I just don't want to have to be in a relationship with a child with size 12 feet and a credit card. I am worth more than that. I don't want a relationship where I am essentially training a badly behaved child for eternity. If I thought he could learn a lesson and then grow and not repeat the bad act maybe but its always the same thing over and over again.

That is interesting hope2727, mine did the opposite.  When I started calling him on his behaviours they got 10 times worse!

I wouldn't rewrite our story, because some of it was great and I learned from it. Some of it was horrible, which I also learned from.

I get what you mean songbook and I know that out of this nightmare will come a new and much healthier 'me'.  I guess in a way I'm imagining that if ever faced with the same scenario I'll be stronger and take care of myself a lot better.

Just the fact he doesn't like chick peas sets off alarm bells!

Bwahahahaha

Yes, quite often they are ridiculous, many of the things she did to me are so embarressing I won't even tell my closest family members, im embarressed for her.

Yes, Trog, I am embarrassed about many of the things mine did too and didn't tell anyone about this stuff while it was happening and haven't even told it all since.

I'm with you Pingo. If I could have a do over, I would. I would have bailed like a mother fu*cker at that first your a bad boyfriend, treat me special or lose me speech. Would have saved me a crap ton of pain...

So if you could go back to that moment Deeno, what would you like to say to her?

Since our relationsship ended earler this year I have had the opportunity to re-write our story in a more realistic light. I have become much less forgiving as I have realized how much of the major decisions in my life over the last 20 years that have been taken under threats from her.

At the time I just saw it as her being difficult - or worse - as me being a ty partner. Now I can it clearly and see that I did all I possibly could to meet her needs and I was met with threats and manipulations. Once she got her way she was happy for a few weeks, then it all started over again.

Yes hergestridge, It's amazing what some time out does for our perceptions of what happened.  I can relate to all of this and I'm still finding myself shocked over new realisations even after almost 7 mths out. 

I know these things I mentioned were not terribly awful things he did.  He did do some plenty awful things too but it was the little daily jabs and abuses that really wore me down.  One of the most shameful things I allowed is when he showed my s10 disrespect.  One time my son was doing an art project and he screwed it up and got really upset and threw it on the floor out of frustration and anger.  This made my ex snap!  He got enraged and sent my son to his room (his stepson), told him not to be such a suck-hole or something along those lines.  I was so shocked I didn't do anything!  I allowed my son to go to his room crying and I just felt powerless!  I asked my ex why that upset him so much, he wasn't directing his anger at anyone.  Just the art project.  I went up and talked to my son and told him to come down and we sort of swept it under the rug.  I WISH I had said NO!  My son will NOT go to his room!  YOU go to your room for being such a jerk!  I carry a lot of shame over not standing up for my son.  At the end of the r/s, right before we BU I sort of had a do-over but with my d21.  She was staying with me (wasn't living at home at the time) trying to get her ___ together and he didn't want her staying in the house while we were at work!  I at first tried to reassure him but then we ended up fighting about it and I put my foot down and told him I didn't need his permission to have my daughter stay with us!  He of course freaked out but I stuck to my guns and refused to back down and let him control the situation.  Later in that fight he got physical with me and that was pretty much the end of things for us, I told him not long after that I wanted to BU.

I would have told her that I was done. I can't be in a relationship with zero respect. And that I love her, but I don't think you love me.

[ADecadeLost]

I'm sure there are a million events worthy of a re-write.  The only ones that really come to mind though are the recycles early on.  The same friend tried to break me free during the first few recycles.  If I could re-write those early recycles, I would have let her help break me free from my BPD ex.  The hooks were in too deep though, and there was nothing anyone could do at the time to help me.

[hergestridge]

Another re-write:

I used to think all the silences was due to her own anxiety and depression. Later I learnt it when the hating had started and she didn't have the guts to start attacking me. Makes me sick now how I folded myself double to please her and even felt sorry for her.

The amount of time I spent trying to love someone who resented me. I never realisef, and it changes everything.

[WhyMe?]

WhyMe? your story reminded me of something my ex told me a long time ago.  His exgf was busy working from home one weekend (didn't have time for him I guess) so he went to a restaurant and picked up breakfast to bring to her house and 'surprise' her.  Apparently she didn't seem terribly impressed, ate and sort of rushed him out of the house.  He was so insulted by this, apparently she was totally ungrateful, etc, etc.  Looking back now, I'm sure he was checking up on her as he did this with me too by 'surprising' me at work.  I also think he told me this story to make sure I always acted 'grateful' of his surprises even though I told him time and time again I don't like surprises (and even more so after I realised he was using these surprises to keep track of me, make sure I wasn't up to anything nefarious ).  Wish I had told him to stick his surprises up his a$$! 

Pingo, mine used to be at his ex-wife's job all the time and did the same with me. When he couldn't, he'd give me the third degree every night, who stopped in, who did I talk to etc. I was often told I was ungrateful.

Many times he accused me of dressing to attract male attention (because I was a ___, he'd say). Thing is, I wore tops he bought me to wear to work.

Ok back on topic. I had forgotten about this. Again, before we started "dating" we had gone out for a long bike ride. This was not usual for me to do with people. My exBPD and I seemed to have a lot in common and could talk for hours. I think we were out there for 3 hours. Halfway through we stopped at a reservoir to take in the view, and another group came towards us. In that group was a guy I knew from work who was also friends with exBPDs sister and her bf. they had moved away the year before so this guy stops to say hi and asked how they are doing. My exBPD - don't forget we were just friends out on a ride! - completely tensed up and would barely respond to the guy. It was so obvious it wasn't funny. He was mad this guy dared to infringe upon "his time" with me

This was before the pancake incident and I should've run then!

[Hope0807]

Oh Pingo,

Great post.  Yes, I'm with you also on this one…with some exception.  I DID things like tossing the food in the garbage  - not exactly that, but I did SO many things that looking back constructed my own boundaries and STRONG disgust with his behaviors - but still I stayed.  He was amazing at reeling me back in…and all to discard me so cruelly in the end.  For example, he only did laundry when I threatened to leave - he simply bought things he needed to wear instead of washing his laundry (I gave up doing ALL the laundry after two years and he showed he was incapable of helping with chores) - so one time I put his entire laundry basket out in the snow storm.  He could care less.  The basket and his clothes stayed there.  I once ripped the sheets off the bed and started sleeping in another room because he not only wouldn't even change the sheets, but wouldn't do a single thing around the house - he slept without sheets, no problem.  He didn't care about learning lessons or reciprocating to meet my needs emotionally or otherwise.

Gosh, if I only knew then what I know now…I WOULD SO LOVE TO REWRITE THE STORY!