Six weeks out, still in a lot of pain

[Depression = 72% of members]

First of all, I want to say I am sorry for creating a lot of topics the past couple of weeks. It is not my intention to spam. I just know that reading and writing on this forum helps me. That is why I keep posting. Also on topics made by others, but also my own topics. I need to get it off my chest every now and then, or else I'm afraid I'll go insane.

For people not in the know: 6 weeks past the break up now, my ex gf isn't diagnosed, but has a lot of borderline traits and our relationship was very toxic. She never cheated as far as I know, but we seperated 10 times and she was highly controlling and highly emotional. Each time we got back together we had a honeymoon stage where she would think the world of me, that would slowly turn into having critisism about anything I did or who I was. Honeymoon stages got shorter and short. We lived together for almost a year in 2014. In that time the constant criticism made me insane, and I started to build a wall around me and focus on other aspects of my life to not get hurt too much. This of course ended up in her claiming I didn't spend enough time with her, didn't talk about her feelings enough... .which is somewhat right. I just couldn't do it anymore.

So, its been 6 weeks and I'm into heavy withdrawal. I can barely cope with life right now, trying to keep up appearances at work (and barely managing - my parents are scared I might lose my job if this keeps up and they might be right), never having any energy, on my days off sleeping 14 hours and waking up more tired than the night before, smoking a lot (almost 2 packs a day).

There have been some steps in the right direction, I suppose. As we share the same friend group and places to go out, the first few weeks I lived like a hermit, didn't want to bump into her because it would make me miss her even more. During New Years Eve, I chose to go to a party of a friend of mine where she was as well. This has made it a bit easier and now I just go out every week, even if I know I can bump into her. Also, I've started dating again with a girl who seems nice. Some other women have also expressed interest in me. Problem is, I'm far from over my ex, so I really can't offer these women what they want. I'm open about this to ensure no one gets hurt.

Other aspects in my life I feel are still lacking behind. I couldn't resist and had contact last week with the ex through email. Bad idea. Ended up in an email conversation of 30 emails where we blamed each other for everything, and she said she truly hated me (although also admitted that hating me, made it easier to not fall in love with me again), and she called me a cancer, that I have made her 10 years older. This is hard for me, as often I feel like it is all my fault, if I just would've tried harder during the relationship she might have been happier.

At the same time, I know this is nonsense. Nothing was good enough. I took her on holidays, bought her jewelry and tried to be there for her during hard times. At those times, she loved me for it, but the next day she could think entirely different about me. Intimacy was almost gone during our last year, while in the beginning we had sex whenever we could. She claimed that she had trouble starting it, so the pressure was always on me to make her horny.

I've been having thoughts of suicide the past couple of weeks. Not really planning to do, but often just having images in my head of having a gun in my mouth and ending it all - I don't even have a gun. I guess its my mind screaming that he wants to get rid of this constant, restless feeling. Im going to therapy every now and then and my T has send me to a new one that should be better for the situation I'm going through. Problem is that they want to focus on me, while I'm stuck just thinking of and talking about her. I'm truly living my life inside hers, trying to find out what she's up to, checking if she is online on Whatsapp.

It is hard - I truly thought that despite all the bad times and split ups, this would be the one I'd marry and have children with. Since we were living together we would often talk about that, and with that all being gone now, I feel this empty void in my life and my future prospects.

Not really going anywhere with this topic, just had one of those days that I had to write it all down again. I feel that if this goes on for another month or so, they should just put me in a building for the mentally ill. Sure, I'd lose my job and my social life, but it would be better to be in a place where they constantly try to help me get back on track and where I can't harm myself. It's like you're slowly going insane and actually experiencing it, each day you take one step ahead and two backwards.

Thank you for reading once more, and replying in advance. Again, sorry that my feelings are so strong that I have to share them again here, but I just have to. To keep my sanity.

[CloseToFreedom]

First of all, I want to say I am sorry for creating a lot of topics the past couple of weeks. It is not my intention to spam. I just know that reading and writing on this forum helps me. That is why I keep posting. Also on topics made by others, but also my own topics. I need to get it off my chest every now and then, or else I'm afraid I'll go insane.

For people not in the know: 6 weeks past the break up now, my ex gf isn't diagnosed, but has a lot of borderline traits and our relationship was very toxic. She never cheated as far as I know, but we seperated 10 times and she was highly controlling and highly emotional. Each time we got back together we had a honeymoon stage where she would think the world of me, that would slowly turn into having critisism about anything I did or who I was. Honeymoon stages got shorter and short. We lived together for almost a year in 2014. In that time the constant criticism made me insane, and I started to build a wall around me and focus on other aspects of my life to not get hurt too much. This of course ended up in her claiming I didn't spend enough time with her, didn't talk about her feelings enough... .which is somewhat right. I just couldn't do it anymore.

So, its been 6 weeks and I'm into heavy withdrawal. I can barely cope with life right now, trying to keep up appearances at work (and barely managing - my parents are scared I might lose my job if this keeps up and they might be right), never having any energy, on my days off sleeping 14 hours and waking up more tired than the night before, smoking a lot (almost 2 packs a day).

There have been some steps in the right direction, I suppose. As we share the same friend group and places to go out, the first few weeks I lived like a hermit, didn't want to bump into her because it would make me miss her even more. During New Years Eve, I chose to go to a party of a friend of mine where she was as well. This has made it a bit easier and now I just go out every week, even if I know I can bump into her. Also, I've started dating again with a girl who seems nice. Some other women have also expressed interest in me. Problem is, I'm far from over my ex, so I really can't offer these women what they want. I'm open about this to ensure no one gets hurt.

Other aspects in my life I feel are still lacking behind. I couldn't resist and had contact last week with the ex through email. Bad idea. Ended up in an email conversation of 30 emails where we blamed each other for everything, and she said she truly hated me (although also admitted that hating me, made it easier to not fall in love with me again), and she called me a cancer, that I have made her 10 years older. This is hard for me, as often I feel like it is all my fault, if I just would've tried harder during the relationship she might have been happier.

At the same time, I know this is nonsense. Nothing was good enough. I took her on holidays, bought her jewelry and tried to be there for her during hard times. At those times, she loved me for it, but the next day she could think entirely different about me. Intimacy was almost gone during our last year, while in the beginning we had sex whenever we could. She claimed that she had trouble starting it, so the pressure was always on me to make her horny.

I've been having thoughts of suicide the past couple of weeks. Not really planning to do, but often just having images in my head of having a gun in my mouth and ending it all - I don't even have a gun. I guess its my mind screaming that he wants to get rid of this constant, restless feeling. Im going to therapy every now and then and my T has send me to a new one that should be better for the situation I'm going through. Problem is that they want to focus on me, while I'm stuck just thinking of and talking about her. I'm truly living my life inside hers, trying to find out what she's up to, checking if she is online on Whatsapp.

It is hard - I truly thought that despite all the bad times and split ups, this would be the one I'd marry and have children with. Since we were living together we would often talk about that, and with that all being gone now, I feel this empty void in my life and my future prospects.

Not really going anywhere with this topic, just had one of those days that I had to write it all down again. I feel that if this goes on for another month or so, they should just put me in a building for the mentally ill. Sure, I'd lose my job and my social life, but it would be better to be in a place where they constantly try to help me get back on track and where I can't harm myself. It's like you're slowly going insane and actually experiencing it, each day you take one step ahead and two backwards.

Thank you for reading once more, and replying in advance. Again, sorry that my feelings are so strong that I have to share them again here, but I just have to. To keep my sanity.

[parisian]

CloseTo I'm sorry to hear how upsetting and painful this is for you.

We have all been where you are. It is the worst thing you will ever go through in your life.

It will get better. I promise. I realize these sound like empty words. It will happen though. You just have to grit and get through it.

It is an addiction that you are trying to get over. That is what makes it feel so horrible. It is also because we created a fantasy in our head which is what we grieve. In reality though, that fantasy would never ever come true. You cannot have a happy ever after story with somone with BPD.

NC is really the best way. Don't check any social media. Don't go out looking for her. Find one small thing that you can do each day - even if it is going for a small walk around your block. Just getting out once each day made so much difference to me. Try having a friend come over. Write and write and write it all out in a journal. Post lots on here. Play music that you like (that does not remind you of her) and jump around in your house. Meditate. Just do something else than thinking about her. Try reading all the posts on here from username: 2010. That really helped me too.

Keep going. You will get through and there are lots of wonderful people on here who will support you.

There will come a day soon when you realize you are starting to feel better. I am five months out now, and just this week I had the realization about how happy I am now, and how much better I feel to have let my r/s go.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you for your kind words. I hope things will get better, and I try, but at the same time I working against myself.

For instance, I looked at her whatsapp status just now. She has a heart. Does that mean she is already in love with someone else? The thought alone is horrible. Argh.

[parisian]

Thank you for your kind words. I hope things will get better, and I try, but at the same time I working against myself.

For instance, I looked at her whatsapp status just now. She has a heart. Does that mean she is already in love with someone else? The thought alone is horrible. Argh.

Don't pick at the scab buddy. It will just make it bleed. As hard as it is not too, you have to delete everything so you can't be tempted otherwise you will just keep torturing yourself with trying to understand 'hidden' messages like that. Unistall the app or block her or whatever it is you need to do, to stop yourself looking. Be kind to you.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you for your kind words. I hope things will get better, and I try, but at the same time I working against myself.

For instance, I looked at her whatsapp status just now. She has a heart. Does that mean she is already in love with someone else? The thought alone is horrible. Argh.

Don't pick at the scab buddy. It will just make it bleed. As hard as it is not too, you have to delete everything so you can't be tempted otherwise you will just keep torturing yourself with trying to understand 'hidden' messages like that. Unistall the app or block her or whatever it is you need to do, to stop yourself looking. Be kind to you.

I hope I can do that soon. Its just because in the previous break ups, she would always start to contact me again through whatsapp. I guess with 6,5 weeks she won't attempt another recycle. Talked to her last week and I was painted blacker than black.

I realise I have to live for myself now, take care of myself. But god its so hard, its like I see no use in it now that she has left.

[Infern0]

6 weeks is early days, my friend.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I know the feeling of two packs of smokes a day all too well!

Anyways try to do just a few small things to help, eat healthy, if you can. Try to get your sleep in order.

I know right now you don't feel like doing anything, I know the pit of misery, because i've been there!

Seriously, you will pull through, you are about halfway there in terms of the fog clearing, all you can really do is put your head down and plow through, do what you can to keep your job.

Might be a good idea to check in with your doctor too, let him take a look at you.

It will pass, i know it sounds like rubbish but it will.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you for your kind words. I think I'm going to try to go to them gym tonight after work. It's been a month. Maybe if I can try to go almost each day, I will start to feel a bit better. its just that doing ANYTHING takes a tremendous amount of energy. Bit sitting in my house at night, smoking and then going to bed isn't helping me either.

I hope you are right when you say I'm halfway there. I swear, if I wasn't painted black and she would contact me, I would go back in a heartbeat. For the 11th time or so. It's pretty pathetic.

It's pretty incredible, my parents tell me each day what hell I was living in when we were living together and I still have trouble seeing it. The more time passes, the more I remember the good times and forget the bad ones. And it's a fear of being alone, of course. At least with her I had the feeling there was someone at my side. Even though that someone treated me poorly. Knowing she is dating again also isn't helpen, even though I'm trying to do the same thing.

[CloseToFreedom]

Almost broke no contact again. I wrote an email where I said that the nasty things I said about her last week weren't fair and I apologized. I also said I missed her and I will work on getting better for a next person if she came along.

Then I thought about it and didn't send it. Because:

1. It feels manipulative, I want to let her know these things so that she perhaps can give me attention

2. What good would it do to me or her? She doesn't want contact. I do but I will only get hurt in the progress

3. Its another break of NC that sets me back further and perhaps gives her more ammo to paint me black

So I haven't send it and I hope I can refrain from doing so. NC is freakin' hard.

[eagle1206]

It will get better. It has been about 3 months now for me and I am much better. 6 weeks into it, I was about to go crazy especially, I did not have any answers then. Now, feeling much better, thankful and ready to move on. Getting back to routine.

I think I want to advice is that seek help from T. It gave me a closure, which I was endlessly chasing for. My situation was very unique and complicated, so closure was very important to me. But, it came in the form of Therapy. Also, the acknowledgement that 'I was not at fault'. I was seeing all those BPD symptoms during our short stay of 4 months, but did not know how to label them. It was extremely hard, as we had so many promises made to each other and memories. I was shocked person can make up an ugly story and leave without even informing, and builds army of believers in her story to get her way.

But, I am not total peace now. I am thankful, wiser, more vigilant, more knowledgeable on how much we don't know and more trusting of science.

One thing I did was, I started a regular exercise routing. It was very hard. I wasn't eating, sleeping, so you might say exercise was not even in question. But, I did it. It helped a lot. It helped me getting my mental block away in some areas of physical limitations I had like running. I started doing really better. It was one way of letting pain go. I never used to run more than 15-20 mins, now in 2-3 weeks, I have started running up to 45-50 mins. It really helps. You may go back and forth, but keep doing it and it will eventually conquer the pain and suffering, and you will come out much stronger.

Just hang in there. It will be definitely better, much much better than ever before. You just need to cross this phase. 

 

[CloseToFreedom]

My parents are gerting more concerned, cant blame them as i care about nothing anymore except my ex. Its the only thing i think about. Theyre gonna call my T tomorrow to see if theres a way to really up the help. Last resort: some sort of place for a few months to get proper treatment. Ill likely lose my job but they think its more important I survive this. I agree but then again i dont care about anything anymore. And im ready for help, as Im not seeing myself getting better, its getting worse. I wrote a suicide note to my ex at work today. Didnt do anything with it.