Desperate to find someone to talk to

[Pfisher]

Hi there. Im desperate for some help and advice . Significant other has severe BPD and i just dont know what to do or handle it anymore ? I need someone to talk to in same boat . Female 37 years

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Believe me, many of us here are in exactly the same boat. 

Tell us more about what's going on.

Is your SO diagnosed with BPD? (or other mental illness?) Getting treatment?

Tell us about the most recent incident that has you feeling so desperate. Or a the whole story.

Here are a couple general resources that can help. I can't give you anything specific to your situation without hearing more of your story.

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

[Pfisher]

Hi , its esculated to a level where i dont know where to turn . Shes suicidal and has been put in respite 8 weeks ago . I have tried to stop it and ended up injured with little remorse. There is constant paranoia of affairs which are so untrue. Theres destroying of my work environment through eruptive behaviors . Ive tried all sorts of ways to help and whatever i do is wrong !  she calls me names constantly . Ive tried all avenues of help and hit a constant brick wall .   

[Pfisher]

Treatment is limited and when it suits so i constantly wear the brunt of it . I try patience, taking it all and doing what she says but now due to paranoia shes gone off on facebook and cant even go there. Its actually so controlling and she torments every part of my life.

[Grey Kitty]

Wow, you do have tough stuff to deal with.   Hang in there! 

Shes suicidal and has been put in respite 8 weeks ago . I have tried to stop it and ended up injured with little remorse.

Dealing with someone who is suicidal is more than you should try to handle alone. If she is trying to commit suicide right now, calling for emergency assistance is the right thing to do.

Calling either the therapy team that is treating her (if they are available), or calling a suicide crisis hotline is another good way to get help.

You don't have to deal with it all alone!

We've got a couple topics you can read for more details and ideas; when you have time, please read them... .and there is the RED emergency link here as well.

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Honestly, if she's talking about suicide, that is too important to worry about anything else.


We have a lot of tools and resources here. Most everything I'm going to tell you can be found somewhere in "The Lessons" which are in the sidebar ----->> > But there is a LOT to read and learn about there; here's some stuff to focus on.

Ive tried all sorts of ways to help and whatever i do is wrong !  she calls me names constantly

First off, you don't need to stand there and accept this from her. It is VERY hard for you to take. It also doesn't help her.

I'm going to recommend you take two steps toward improving your side of this relationship. I consider these the basics:

1. Use boundary enforcement to protect yourself from verbal abuse. Here's the boundary I'd enforce: You may need several levels:

"If you verbally abuse me (i.e. call me names), I will end the conversation."

"If you continue, I will leave the room."

"If you follow me to the next room, I will leave the house."

Note that YOU are choosing to take action to protect yourself in each case, instead of telling her what she can or cannot do. When you do it this way, you are taking the power to protect yourself.

2. Stop invalidating her. You probably do it all the time--it is very natural, especially when somebody is accusing you of things you didn't do and calling you names.

Don't JADE. That's don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. If you do ANY of those things in response to her accusations, you just get her more riled up.

Just saying nothing is better than that, a lot better. (You may soon need to leave a argument/fight/abusive situation, using tool #1 above.)

That's a start. Hang in there, and keep sharing your story, and let us know how things work. It really does help to share with people who understand what you're going through!

 GK