Do you love your BPD ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was badly abused as a child and left home as soon as was legally allowed. Shortly after  I remember speaking with piers about a thing called love. I couldn’t understand why others seemed so confused as to whether they’d experienced it or not, or what it comprises of.  I knew exactly what it was. And my understanding  has served me well through my life. I can honestly say those that I have loved, have always treated me extremely well, and never truly let me down.

So when I told my piers that “I don’t love my mother” it was like denying the holocaust – people were  flabbergasted. It’s as if good people must love their mother, it’s a standard measurement. I mean, even the Mafia are good to their mothers. But then they’re a bunch of psychopaths.

What I felt for my BPD mom was Fear, Obligation and Guilt. All negative feelings. Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s not rock solid. I’ve also seen firsthand people take way too much abuse, simply because they believe their abuser loves them. My BPD mom has also confessed that “love” is an excellent way of manipulating people. Thing is in my definition of love, there is no manipulation, you cannot purposefully abuse someone you love.  Now I can care for someone and worry about them without loving them.

Anyway I know this is a heavy topic,  just wondering if anyone out there feels their love for their BPD parent is different to their love for others. So many threads seem to hang on the fact the person posting "loves" their BPD mom, so it's probably worth defining love.

[HappyChappy]

I was badly abused as a child and left home as soon as was legally allowed. Shortly after  I remember speaking with piers about a thing called love. I couldn’t understand why others seemed so confused as to whether they’d experienced it or not, or what it comprises of.  I knew exactly what it was. And my understanding  has served me well through my life. I can honestly say those that I have loved, have always treated me extremely well, and never truly let me down.

So when I told my piers that “I don’t love my mother” it was like denying the holocaust – people were  flabbergasted. It’s as if good people must love their mother, it’s a standard measurement. I mean, even the Mafia are good to their mothers. But then they’re a bunch of psychopaths.

What I felt for my BPD mom was Fear, Obligation and Guilt. All negative feelings. Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s not rock solid. I’ve also seen firsthand people take way too much abuse, simply because they believe their abuser loves them. My BPD mom has also confessed that “love” is an excellent way of manipulating people. Thing is in my definition of love, there is no manipulation, you cannot purposefully abuse someone you love.  Now I can care for someone and worry about them without loving them.

Anyway I know this is a heavy topic,  just wondering if anyone out there feels their love for their BPD parent is different to their love for others. So many threads seem to hang on the fact the person posting "loves" their BPD mom, so it's probably worth defining love.

[claudiaduffy]

I think that I do not love my mother. I do have compassion for her, and in this way I guess I "love" her in the same way I love all human beings - respecting them as beings separate from myself, and wishing for their sake that their life will continually grow better for them. But this is barely love.

[foggydew]

I certainly did not love my mother. When she died I felt relief - relief that she and I were freed from our disfunctional bond, and regret  - regret that I could never clear up the mess between us, and regret that she died realising I didn't really love her. But I did try, and I tried to be a good daughter.

[exodus]

First it's important to clarify that I define love as desiring the best for someone, not the same way popular culture largely sees it which is some vague notion of warm fuzzy feelings.

So my answer is that yes I do love the pwpds in my family, but at the same time I have absolutely zero positive feelings toward them and I hate being in their presence.  While I would rather they see the light and start trying to recover I also realize there's absolutely nothing I can do to make it happen (in fact, any help I try to provide would only reinforce their manipulation) so all that's left to do is to work on what I have control over and save myself.  There's just no point in keeping those people in my life at all.

I can totally relate to this though... .whenever I first started college I remember seeing all these other people would get homesick at some point or miss their parents/family.  It made no sense to me and I wondered if they were all just lying when they said that stuff LOL.  I seriously could not fathom the concept of enjoying time with your parents.

[Klo]

Yes I love my BPD mother, but my mother has been trying in recent years to be better. It's kind of weird because she still refuses up and down to admit she has ever had any problems or done anything wrong, and she is still hyper-sensitive to constructive criticism. However, I think she knows deep down that she has done some very wrong things, and so she seems to try to improve while avoiding admitting that she is trying to improve (since that would be admitting that she has had some serious issues). I notice her trying to be different in some ways, and I passively appreciate her at least trying.

If my mother did not try at all or, even worse, only became well, worse, then I would probably feel differently. Her efforts to be better do mean something to me. I know that not everyone with a BPD parent has seen their parent showing any effort, and to me that is the most significant thing, whether or not there is effort to get better.

[HappyChappy]

claudiaduffy , foggydew , exodus and Klo thank you so much for some very helpful feedback.

The one thing I’ve learnt from this website is that although BPD tend to share behavioural habits, the extent and ferocity to which they  are applied does vary greatly. My Therapist introduced me to the term Malignant when trying to explain not all people with BPD do the evil’s mine did. Because my BPD has always gotten what she wants by using aggression. She’s not that intelligent, so I guess she has to use brut force to get her way. But she would never stop until she did get what she wanted. And I mean never ever stop. But now I have the option of NC and it’s wonderful. Just good to meet others that understands that some behaviour, even that of your own mother, just isn’t acceptable, just doesn’t warrant love.