Spouse's uBPDex makes me feel like I'm walking on hot coals

[Crayfog]

I have a history with BPD (both in my family and friends) and it feels like all of her threats and manipulations are triggering stuff I thought I'd worked through during years of therapy. I adore my spouse. Felt he was my soul mate. But the more she acts out (it's epic to say the least) the more I feel like I'm walking on hot coals. No direction is right. She uses the kids in horrible ways and it seems I'm the first person to say STOP. Spouse has fully taken up researching and understanding and is setting clear consistent boundaries... .But I am worn. And tired. And depressed. I'm worried this will never end. I've been very strong and supportive to all of them throughout. But I'm starting to crumble inside. And I have absolutely no one I can talk to that could begin to understand.

Does it get better? It's clear she wants me gone... .T confirmed that. Also believes she's BPD. She's already getting what she wants and I hate myself for feeling this way.

[Nope]

Hi!



You are not alone at all here! There is an entire network of women here going through very much the same things you are. I'm one of them. I call my partner DH (Dear Husband) on here because we live together and will be getting married this year. I can completely relate to feeling completely overwhelmed and ready to give up.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation? Kids ages, for instance? You mentioned some things have improved, but you are worn out from the fight. What are you doing to take care of yourself in all of this? My T brings up the importance of self care in every single session. It's literally the only way I stay sane.

You said that the kid's mom wants you gone. Do you think she feels threatened by you? What do you think her perspective might be?

[Crayfog]

Thank you for the welcome! And I'm sorry you're on this journey too. When I met my spouse I was on cloud 9. The same when I fell in love with his children. I hesitate to put ages because she's already stalked me online and taken past videos photos to launch and smear campaign against me. They're all young. Preschool and early elementary.

From what I gather from the family, she was never a warm mother. She loved them in her way. Her aggression towards me started when I began spending time with them and doing things based on their interests. I'm a hugger. A boo boo kisser. I sing them to sleep.

She left the marraige. First by cheating. Then by issesant boyfriends she introduced the kids to very early on. But she wanted my spouse to stay single forever. At first (when she didn't know about me) I found it odd that she called to "chat" all day long. Once I knew, I told him that wasn't appropriate and that it didn't help her abuses episodes.

Over time I got him to see that NOTHING helped the episodes. He's defined clear boundaries and she can't stand it. I'm sure she can put two and two together and see that her children love me and he repsects me and that means it's a whole world not centered around her.

But my patience has worn thin and I find it very difficult not to respond now.

Self care. Lordy. I suddenly have more children, more pets, and I can barely keep up. I'm losing myself. I love them all dearly... .But having to up my antidepressants (I'm bipolar) was a huge blow.

[livednlearned]

But my patience has worn thin and I find it very difficult not to respond now.

Hi Crayfog,

You're in such a tough situation, and it's awful to be the target of a smear campaign. And to have a family of origin with BPD traits on top of everything is not easy.

When you say you find it very difficult to not respond, do you mean that your H is doing most of the boundary setting? What kinds of things come to mind when you think of responding?

Glad you found the site. People here really understand what you're dealing with and genuinely care.

[Crayfog]

He's gotten much much better at setting boundaries. He always deals with her. But she's starting screaming in public places at pick ups and drop offs and I almost threw down and told her what a controlling b___ she was. In front of the kids. ;( I didn't. But I felt dirty. And then felt full of rage that I had no control to stop her abuse. I have a very good relationship with my child's father (and have spent years working toward that) and she's threatening to contact him and tell him lies that she phrases as truths.

[Crayfog]

I really really want to tell her the things I knows she terrified of:

She wrecked her own home. I came in years later so she needs to look at herself (not me) to be angry about tearing apart her family.

She's a terrible mother and she's threatened that I love her kids more and better and put them first in ways she will never be able to.

The kids see what she's doing and they HATE IT. They already ask to live with us.

She is selfish. Only. Pervasively. Eternally. And no one can love a deeply selfish person for long.

But all will fall on deaf ears and incite more violence.

[Swiggle]

I can relate, it isn't much fun. The other day my DH said to me "if you had know what kind of person my ex was and how she would be when you met me would you have continued to see me"? I said no, because knowing then what I know now I would have been scared and ran. But I'm glad that I didn't know then because I have gained two kids and a great man despite the uBPDex's evil ways.

Just like you his kids think of me as a mom, they too want to live with us and not her. She hasn't started or said anything to my face, always behind my back... .sadly to the kids. She is threatened and I'm sure on some levels knows that I treat her kids better than she does. She told my step kids that I don't care about them, that I am only here to take their dad away, that I'm evil and lots of other things. My actions always win out over her words.

I had a lot of therapy after my divorce and had started to get to the point that I thought I could stop going as much. I started seeing her again to help deal with the antics of the uBPDx and with blended family issues. You're not alone. Sometimes I think how calm and stress free it was alone, in my apartment with my own two little ones living drama free. When things get really tough I just remember that his kids are learning a new script with being part of our family and not just seeing/living with their mom's stuff.

Is seeking therapy something you could do for yourself again?

[Crayfog]

Gosh that's like reading my life. Thank you for reading and responding. I was doing well with just loving them as hard as I could when they're with us. Until... .Her forced phone calls were immediately followed by violence towards my child. Then I became torn and started to unravel.

I am in therapy again. And by complete coincidence my T happens to be a borderline expert. We're doing a joint session soon so he can see how much was borderline not a lack on his part.

[Swiggle]

You probably already have some boundaries but maybe the T can help you come up with some new ones to deal with recent issues. Neither my DH or I knew anything about BPD until the book "walking on eggshells" was suggested to us by our T.

The issues with my Dh's uBPDx have morphed as he and I have progressed so we are constantly having to re-evaluate dealing with her. It has gotten better but we find anytime an issue comes up that she views as a control thing, she usually dis-regulates and hits the fan. In the beginning when I wasn't as secure with my step kids and my role, I found that her antics could cause a ton of anxiety and anger for me. I've really worked at ways to NOT let that happen. I've been doing pretty well, sometimes I can feel the anger rising from the pit of my stomach up to my face. I loathed that she had that affect on me! I was in competition with her and I had to win (in a way that proved she wasn't a good mom, thinking she would realize that what she does is wrong and change), that was my issues to deal with and since I figured that out things are better and I can laugh off her nuttiness.

When married to her DH just went along with things. Didn't really push and would always give in, she ruled the roost so to speak. She cheated, he caught her and moved out the next day. She told him he couldn't do that, watch me! She wanted him to live in the basement, pay half the bills and care for the kids while she partied and drank like all her friends who are 10 years younger than she is. After some T of his own, having seen a new way to be in a relationship (with me) he has gotten A LOT stronger. Now he doesn't put up with her stuff and sets/maintains boundaries. She of course called him a nut-less puppet and that I am the one causing all the drama.

Sometimes when I am having a hard time I think of these two instances, they make me giggle

1. After DH and I started dating and his ex knew of me, they were at a school function she said to him "what are you doing Thursday for dinner" He looked at her confused and said nothing why (thinking maybe she needed him to keep the kids) she then says "want to come over for dinner" he said absolutely not and walked away.

2. when DH left her and got his own apartment she said to him "so am I going to get a key to your place" he said no. Fast forward a year later when he and I started dating and she was at his place dropping the kids off (she used to always walk them in during drop offs) she was standing in the middle of the living room and I walked in... .with my key   The look on her face was priceless from what DH says, from that day she never came to the door, no matter where we were living. She just pulls up and boots them out.

[Panda39]

Hi everyone  

I am in the same boat... .It's getting kinda crowded in here  

I have been with my SO for the last 4 1/2 years. (He separated 4 years ago/divorced 2 years ago) We do not live with each other mainly because we live 40 miles apart in different cities and have kids in school at each of our own areas.  Our kids are older though my S21 in Community College, his D18 at a local State College and his youngest D14 completing her last year of middle school. So one of these days... .

But I will be honest I'm glad I don't live with him now, that I have my own peaceful home to go back to, that I can disengage when I get to tired, or angry or just want some time on my own.  

I can totally relate to the frustration and burnout of feeling like there is a war on all the time or waiting for the shoe to drop when things are quiet.  The feeling that your honey has soft boundaries with the BPDx (My SO has learned a lot since we first met and has very good boundaries now and is teaching his daughters how to also) and the difficulty of feeling like "the third wheel" and then throw in trying to blend families and the kids difficulty with their BPDmom.

I can say in my case things have improved over time.  When I met my SO he was separated from his uBPDxw she had custody of the girls and was completely dysregulated and having extinction bursts up until and after the divorce.  She and my SO were still in the same feedback loop of actions and reactions that they were in during the marriage and my SO had a tough time standing up for himself (neither of us knew what BPD was back then).  I was shocked by the things she had done and that he enabled her to do in their co-dependent marriage.  I think he had slipped into a place where right and wrong were blurred in order to keep the peace that then became the norm.  Well he met the right girl because since I was a child I have had a very strong sense of right and wrong I think he kind of used my reactions to things to find his way back to his own center.  

We later discovered BPD... .finaly we had a name for what was going on with the uBPDxw.  We started doing a lot of reading and suddenly all this crazy began to make sense.  My SO boundaries became stronger, he learned tools to protect himself and better deal with the ex, he started therapy, he is low contact with her now.  

Because of the uBPDxw's own actions my SO ended up with primary physical custody of their daughters and Medical, Dental and Education decision making (thankfully the court gave him quite a bit of control).  

Both girls now know what BPD is one daughter is catching on to her mother's behavior and is beginning to know what to expect regarding her mother.  My SO has been validating her feelings and offering her advice on handling some situations with mom when she asks.  The other daughter is still rather enmeshed with mom but we recently had an incident between those two that may help this daughter put some distance between her and her mom so hopefully she will start coming out of the FOG.

So yes we still have things going on and flair ups from uBPDxw every so often but everyone is better at handling it.  For me the key was my SO learning the skills he needed to so he knew when to let things go and when to stand up for himself, his kids and me.  I can stand up for myslef and his kids are learning to but him being that buffer has been really important

[Crayfog]

I'm so glad I posted. I'm very sorry for the road you've all traveled but SO relieved I'm not alone. That alone feeling was so heavy. I reached out to both of my parents (one possible narcissist and one possible BPD) and both were terribly invalidating. I've actually spent years trying NOT to go to them. So that on top of her latest dramatics was weighing pretty heavy. Knowing that his ex is uBPD is very very new info. And I know it will take time for us to learn and for him to draw better boundaries.

Thank you SO much. You're giving me hope. (If wrapped within a reality check.)

[Aussie JJ]

I'm so glad I posted. I'm very sorry for the road you've all traveled but SO relieved I'm not alone. That alone feeling was so heavy. I reached out to both of my parents (one possible narcissist and one possible BPD) and both were terribly invalidating. I've actually spent years trying NOT to go to them.

My mother has some strong BPD traits (never diagnosed) and is 100 % NPD and then some.  VERY OH LOOK AT ME!

I have never had a conversation as painful as the one with my mother about this topic.  Get over it, move on, she toxic.  No understanding (empathy) for the position I was in.  Some of the communication techniques I have learnt for NPD are also working on my son's mother.  

Love the person, she is my mother.  Minimise contact, she is as toxic as my ex.  

Make sure you keep reaching out, venting, looking for additional supports.  I have never in the past asked for help (that is my pattern) and it has made such a huge difference.  Keep posting and your not alone, we will get through it together.  


AJJ.  

[highroadstepmom]

These notes all sound so familiar!

All quiet and then world war three!

Such a fantasy of mine to tell the BPDex how she is toxic, deluded, uncivil, hurting her own children!

My DH told me within a month of us starting to date about the details of when his uBPDx leaving, taking the children, making all kinds of accusations... .at the time we started dating the court had not finalized a custody agreement... .All very stressful.

Now, almost 4 years later... .she refuses to greet me when we are at a children's activity (I always greet her), she has said over and over tp DH that anything to do with me has nothing to do with 'her' children (we have the children 50% of the time so... .after mom and dad... .i'm the adult who's most in their lives, helps with homework, makes them eat their vegetables, sits patiently as a child gives me a lesson in minecraft on xbox... .and um... .I'm not going any where)... .

To DH, she continues to have spells when she is verbally abusive (although she has wised up to doing this in writing as much... .). She has taken to social media. Especially does these things when she disregulates (when the children will be with us for vacation... .when she is out of town... .

She tends toward Queen dominant (b___y self righteous) with waif in times of disregulation... .big victim complex - the world, men, her parents, everyone done her wrong.

I admit... .for the first year of our relationship  I thought "do I really need all of someone else's drama in my life? do I really want to spend my life - although I love this man and his children dearly - dealing with the tantrums and irrationality of someone with a personality disorder?" Well, yes - I do.

It's tough some days.  Holidays and vacations... .even with a solid custody schedule ... .are still stressful.

It's clear this woman badmouths their father to the children. It's clear she lacks object permanence "what's the first thing you'll do when you see mommy tomorrow?," I ask thinking they might be getting pizza from their favorite place for dinner... ."Tell her we love her!" Trained little seals... ."I rub mommy's back when she's sad... ." "I see mommy cry... ."She let's them pick their own bedtime (very young children). She sends them to us in dirty, torn, inappropriate clothes... .It goes on and on... .

Some days I'm just sick of the BS. Some days I hate when the kids come from their mother's saying "mommy says X about daddy" which is blatantly wrong, mean, false. Some days I hate having to spend time agonizing over some SET or BIFF response to her vitriol/irrational/boundary pushing demands.

So - what do we do... .

Mantra: Can't control her, what she says, feels, thinks or does.

Mantra: Our home will be a loving and supportive home with appropriate boundaries for children

Mantra: We will do what's best for the kids

Mantra: Our relationship will not become focused on her or difficulties with her

Mantra: We will politely but firmly correct any incorrect information that the children may repeat from their mother

Mantra: we will interact with bio mom in writing and in person as if she was one of our mothers' dear friends or the president of our workplaces.

Mantra: we will model civility, respect for differing views, a loving relationship, and appreciation for the children's lives in the fullest sense - including our home and family and the children's mother's home and family.

Mantra: We will be firm in our boundaries

Take care of yourself... .nurture your relationship with your husband. Take a break from the drama - for a day or 3 or 10.  Make sure you're seeing YOUR friends, getting excercise, etc. Remember the good things! And definitely definitely check in here when you need a shout out!

[Swiggle]

Wow there are a lot of us, Highroadstepmom I could've written your post myself.

My DH's ex is still sometimes abusive toward him, never when I'm around though. Once at drop off, I was in the car, they got into an argument about something or other and he turned to walk away as to not listen to her bull___. She pointed her finger at him and said get over here when I'm talking to you 

Sometimes I will help DH draft emails to her or he will hold a boundary and she'll respond that she refuses to deal with me. She can't understand that he is a very different person since they were together so of course it is always me telling him what to say and do.

I feel like war is getting ready to start. SD needs braces and trying to navigate that with her and make the best decision for SD is going to be a struggle because she will always want the opposite of what we want.

It is so true about being the other adult in the kid's lives. This was a convo I had with my SS7 recently.

Me: man your fingernails are long we need to cut those

Him: My mom never notices when my nails are long

Me Aw how does that make you feel

Him: not good, she never has time for me and never pays attention to me

The convo went on and this isn't the first time he has said things like this. SD12 is becoming WAY more vocal about what her mom says and does. SD told me recently that after a Dentist appointment I was at with SD and her mom (DH couldn't make it so I went) as I was leaving I said goodbye and walked away. SD told me her mom pointed her fingers at me and mumbled go to hell behind my back as I walked away. She did this right in front of SD who said mom I saw that, mom responded with I don't care and rolled her eyes. Nice Huh?

And I second all of your mantras!

[livednlearned]

I'm not in as deep as you are, but I'm dating someone whose ex wife sure seems BPD to me. Their kids are older: S14, D17, D20. Mine is S13. We don't live together, although have been dating for 2 years. My SO's sister is dBPD, and his mom is in the ballpark. So I'm removed from any drama he experiences.

I can really identify with the PTSD part of what you're saying, Crayfog. Since I don't live my with SO, and young kids aren't involved, there is a nice big boundary around me. My N/BPDx h is no longer in my life, and visitation is terminated. But there are days when just a hint of BPD comes my way from my SO's ex and I am surprised how strong my reactions are. I don't even know her. I met her once while she was in her car.

Small things come up. Like finding out she tells S14 (developmentally delayed) that I probably don't like him and that's why I never ask if he wants to go out to dinner with me and my son. What? I gave SO the name of a T that my son saw, and when the ex found out the recommendation came from me, she pulled her D out of therapy. Her oldest D20 mentioned that her dad was dating someone physically active (ex is not), and her mom's response is that I probably have an eating disorder. It's so strange to recognize the behavior without even knowing the person. The hardest is the parental alienation -- my SO is losing his son and I have to practice advanced mindfulness to not get emotionally invested. I'm also trying so hard to curb my own rescue tendencies.

I don't know if I have good boundaries, or if I'm just overreacting, but I don't want to blend families because the peace in my home is so deep and still and wonderful that I don't want to let anything mess with it. The fact she exhibits BPD traits puts me on high alert.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would make for darn sure that I took care of myself and had a lot of ways to create a recharge station. I'd probably just move half my stuff to the local spa   and meet my T for weekly visits.

[Crayfog]

Oh my WORD! I'm not as alone as I felt!

We don't bad mouth her to the kids, but they tell us the great lengths she goes to to portray us both as liars and inept parents. To her YOUNG children. 5 and 9. The nine year old tells us word for word. We tell them it's not true... .But it's painful.

She refuses to acknowledge me at switch offs. In all honestly, she treats me like a cheater who wrecked her home. I know she's crazy but it doesn't make it any easier.

The good parts are that both children are starting to make comments like the nail cutting. Will you sing me to sleep? Will you hold me? And the younger one is testing calling me mom which always makes my heart stop beating and I smile inside and out.

I saw my psychiatrist and she was so comforting. She said I was doing a great job and to pay myself on the back. Growing up with a uBPD mom and a loving but very passive and enabling dad has made me pretty unable to give myself credit.

But I'm trying.

Thank you all so very much. I needed a support group desperately and here you all are.

[livednlearned]

We don't bad mouth her to the kids, but they tell us the great lengths she goes to to portray us both as liars and inept parents. To her YOUNG children. 5 and 9. The nine year old tells us word for word. We tell them it's not true... .But it's painful.

Are you up on validation for these kinds of interactions? Of all the things that made me feel empowered, this is the one that did it. I started to try it out on a difficult boss I have   and could not believe how it worked. I use it all over the place. And I started using it on my son when he dragged the lies into my home. You can't ignore them, and you don't want to put the kids in the middle, and you don't want to react, or feel stress, or anger. But you do feel all those things, and even worse, the kids are right in the thick of it, the little messengers.

So the girls tell you that bio mom says you have sex with squirrels. You respond, "How did that make you feel when your mom said that?" or ":)o you believe that?" Sometimes, if the lie is serious, I wait a few hours and would flank S13 from behind. After validating his feelings, I might wait until later and say, "I was thinking about this thing with the squirrels." And if I needed to make sure the lie was fully dismantled, I would go in deeper. Like the stuff Richard Warshak talks about in Divorce Poison. Our kids are in the middle, so we don't get to enjoy the Disney version of divorce, if there is such a thing. That means we can't be passive when the lies come up, but we also can't just jump in the fray and get dragged down with the BPD parent.

Usually, when kids bring lies into our homes and drop them at our feet, they're worried. And kids being kids, they're worried how it affects them. They're not necessarily worried about whether it's true or not. If you can sort out the content, and ignore it, and look at it as the kids are feeling agitated and worried, so I'm going to help them soothe themselves. "You're two smart girls and I know you have an opinion here. How do you feel about what your mom told you?" My son eventually got to the point where he just told me straight up how he felt, and then he would tell me the incident or lie. "I feel mad that N/BPDx told me you have sex with squirrels because I know that isn't true. He's mad at you, and wants me to be mad at you too. Can I have a sandwich?"

There are some serious ninja arts here that you can learn. If your kids are young enough and bonded well with you and your H, they'll work. And then it's only half as draining and exhausting. 

LnL

[Crayfog]

I'm not L&L! That's why this forum is such an amazing resource! We usually stay calm and let them tell us and validate that we're sorry if that felt yucky to be in the middle. But this is a great way to handle it! Thank you.

[NorthernGirl]

I'm certainly in this "club" as well.    My DH divorced his uBPD ex over 10 years ago but was still in a FOG for several years after the divorce. When I met him about 8 years ago, he often did whatever she told him to and believed he had to because it was for the kids. When I would point out something that had nothing to do with the kids, he would seem surprised.

The kids are now adults but the youngest has special needs so requires guardianship and DH and his ex are his joint guardians.

There were red flags early on that something wasn't right but it took a while before I realized how serious it was. The more I read and shared with DH, the more we realized BPD the likely issue behind her behavior.

My first few meetings with DH's ex were fairly uneventful -- I think she was scoping me out. Plus she had an on-again, off-again BF so if he was around she would behave. But over the years, I have had several interactions with her when she has raged at me. I stayed calm but she told the kids I had screamed at her.

I used to try to help DH deal with her -- cleaning up his emails so they were clearer, etc. She figured out that his emails were clearer and decided I was writing them. I do very little when it comes to her now. I leave the big stuff to the lawyer.

As has been said by others, the biggest issue I have is how she treats the kids. She bullies them all in different ways. The oldest has fairly good boundaries with her but tries to have a relationship with her. She tells anyone who will listen that he is a bully. The middle son is an addict with anxiety and depression issues. She enables him and he is enmeshed with her. It is very scary. The youngest has development delays (didn't speak until he was 5) and is constantly manipulated by his mom. He does okay because he wants some independence but she constantly tries to hold him back.

I try to help with the kids but there has been a lot of damage that I can't do anything about. DH and I try to just be an example of a good marriage. The oldest and youngest have come to trust and love me. The middle son is the tough one -- his mom "saves" him regularly so he believes he needs to be in her corner. And if he is in her corner, he is "against" DH and me.

I have done a few things that have really helped -- I learned a lot about BPD and posted on here. As LivednLearned says, there are some serious ninja arts you can learn. I got other support as well -- a therapist, a stepmom course, etc. -- that helped me. 

I'm glad you found us.

[GaGrl]

No time to post much, but I'm in the club also. DH was legally married to his uNPD/BPD for 33 years but lived separately for the last 13-14 years. Serious FOG, children enmeshed in their mother's dysfunction, with varying results.

It's a situation that never seems to end with the ex. Our latest events have been the ex asking DH for money (DH and I have been married almost 9 years), and my stepdaughter having to correct lies that the ex tells our 13 year old granddaughter ("Papa was having an affair with Miss Gagrl" when the truth is that Ex not only engaged in constant and blatant affairs but eventually went so far as to work in the sex industry - but no one wants to tell the granddaughter THAT level of truth detail!).

Not living in the same state helped a lot.

[Nope]

... .but no one wants to tell the granddaughter THAT level of truth detail!).

Isn't that often the way! My DH's BPDex told the kids that we got custody of them "Because your father wanted you, so he just took you away from me." All DH can say to the kids is that it's more complicated then that. But we'd be just as bad as she is to go into any level of detail.

[GaGrl]

One of our household sayings is that we must maintain boundaries made of concertina wire (my DH is a former Army infantry officer).

The children usually "know." Our GD figured out at a young age, probably 5-6, that something was "off" about her bio grandmother. Now she's old enough to dismiss the nonsense or question her mother when something sounds exaggerated or untrue.

[bravhart1]

Certainly been through the wringer with my SO

Ex. She is just mean and bitter 24/7.

Even when evaluation came back saying she must stop

Disparaging dad and bravhart, all she did was ramp up

Her bad behavior and tell SD6 that it was up to her to keep

The things mommy says to herself so that the mean ol judge

Doesn't keep her from her mommy forever.

How's that for not owning her $hit and making SD6 responsible

For her moms behavior. Of course when Sd6 is acting out at

School and being a bully it must be something she learned at our house!

[Panda39]

Her bad behavior and tell SD6 that it was up to her to keep

The things mommy says to herself so that the mean ol judge

Doesn't keep her from her mommy forever.

My SO's younger daughter at 13 could no longer keep holding things in, keeping secrets and lying to her dad or watch her mother sprial down (evicted 3 times)... .she finally threatened suicide and had a breakdown and had 2 weeks inpatient psych.  That's the bad news.  The good news is that she had 2 weeks of no brainwashing by mom while inpatient, she got the support she needed, developed coping skills, began creating her own boundaries, is on medication for now to help her cope, and has a new therapist that doesn't play the uBPDx's games.  Right now at 14 and in spite of a custody order she has gone n/c with her mother. 

Her mother has 2 felony charges for writing bad checks, her mother failed to pay for older daughters college as promised so older daughter may or may not make it back into any school for the next semester, mom has a civil court case going on, and currently lives in a hotel due to her many evictions.  She has painted the kids black and said in an email that she is fine if the girls want to stay with their dad 100% of the time. So right now they are both with him 100% of the time 

That's just this week who knows about next week 

[bravhart1]

And all the while touting she is mother of the year right?

It never ceases to amaze me how they mess up their lives and try to mess their children's lives and yet never are willing to look at themselves and say, "maybe I need some help" .

[Nope]

It never ceases to amaze me how they mess up their lives and try to mess their children's lives and yet never are willing to look at themselves and say, "maybe I need some help" .

DH's BPDex lives three states away and had the kids about 85% of the time, and since DH was military she was the primary caretaker for about the first ten years of their lives. Now DH has them 90% of the time and the court ordered her to begin counseling immediately. She told the GAL that she refuses to go because she is fine and doesn't need counseling and yet she's threatening to take us back to court for contempt because she is allowed up to a half hour of texting with each kid at night (not required to have) and she only gets texts sporadically. And that because DH won't do what she wants he is just doing whatever he wants and not coparenting with her at all.

... .The magistrate let her keep Shared Parenting because DH was afraid if he asked in his filing to have the Shared Parenting Plan dissolved then he might have ended up with nothing but visitation if he didn't win in court. So he only got what he asked for, which was residential custody. But the GAL wrote in her report that she was in favor of having DH have sole custody. So... .Does the BPD really want to go back and risk making it even more clear the parties can't co-parent? Of course she does! After all, there is nothing wrong with her and she isn't the problem.   

[Panda39]

And all the while touting she is mother of the year right?

It never ceases to amaze me how they mess up their lives and try to mess their children's lives and yet never are willing to look at themselves and say, "maybe I need some help" .

Yep she is supermom... .SO's older daughter who has been more enmeshed with mom and has now been screwed out of this semester of college (she will be attending a local State College this semester while she tries to put together what to do next year)... .anyway older daughter is beginning to open up to dad now too and we are finding out that mom "borrowed" her high school graduation money (so glad SO, his family & I bought her a laptop.  Our money went where it should to D18) made her sit in an airport all day waiting for a ticket to arrive that never did and she had to return to her dorm... .just disgusting. D14 is NC right now and D18 is LC... .Supermom has alienated both of her daughters.  Both girls are doing the walk out of the FOG and I for one am glad to see it.

After all, there is nothing wrong with her and she isn't the problem. 

   

Nope they never are the problem