Post b/u feeling kinda curious about EX. Need to stop ...

[christin5433]

Ok is been 7 weeks post b/u and I'm getting less pain still having anger but the FOG seems to have been lifted. Now my head is thinking of what's going on w her? Who's she seeing ? Weird jealous and sort of possessiveness ... .I'm not liking it. I am thinking what's wrong w me? Has anyone ever had this come over them? I mean my logical side says come on you just free from a very sick person who ABUSED you on a regular basis . I'm liking myself having laughs lately w friends ... .Not at all interested in any soon to be r/s. I'm def taking time to heal and process my feelings and learn to find myself again.

But why the stalker stage in the grieving process?

I'm not acting on it but my thoughts seem to be going there.

I think I just want to throw it out there?

I figure the honesty will take the power out of it!

[Copperfox]

But why the stalker stage in the grieving process?

I'm not acting on it but my thoughts seem to be going there.

I think I just want to throw it out there?

I figure the honesty will take the power out of it!

If you are not acting on it, then it's not really stalker-ish. That's a good thing, shows emotional maturity.

Ruminations, that's all they are. Analyzing the past, imagining present possibilities.  Looking for answers, clues.  Your brain had built up a reality, a set of beliefs.  About yourself, about how she felt about you.  Your brain's biochemistry even changed during the process. Those beliefs have been shaken, and your brain is trying to reconcile.  Ruminating is part of the process. We all go through it.

Life has handed you a puzzle, one that tugs at your understanding driven nature. Don't feel bad about it.  Be patient with it.  The brain is resetting itself, it just takes time.

[Noah]

But why the stalker stage in the grieving process?

I'm not acting on it but my thoughts seem to be going there.

I think I just want to throw it out there?

I figure the honesty will take the power out of it!

If you are not acting on it, then it's not really stalker-ish. That's a good thing, shows emotional maturity.

Ruminations, that's all they are. Analyzing the past, imagining present possibilities.  Looking for answers, clues.  Your brain had built up a reality, a set of beliefs.  About yourself, about how she felt about you.  Your brain's biochemistry even changed during the process. Those beliefs have been shaken, and your brain is trying to reconcile.  Ruminating is part of the process. We all go through it.

Life has handed you a puzzle, one that tugs at your understanding driven nature. Don't feel bad about it.  Be patient with it.  The brain is resetting itself, it just takes time.

Wow... .well stated copper fox.  Copper fox is spot on.  Thinking about her is part of the process.  It's because you are caring.  But it's also because we fall so hard for the fantasy of "it's gonna work out some day", which never does.

Keep working on you.  Reconnect with family and friends.  The pain will ease will time, if you work to move forward in your life.

[christin5433]

That's a good way to look at it my brain is ruminating analyzing and it does have a set of beliefs... .I believe in us. Now us is over. I talked w T and I was told I still feel attachment and that's going to take time. It was getting the best of me lately to figure out what she's doing like I feel she's doing it behind my back? It's true my brain chemistry is in and out of the r/s while I'm processing these range of feelings. It's funny today I felt guilt and was beating myself up for things I did. I knew way before the end I was cold and mean towards her. I have to acknowledge this as my part. I was sick of her unhappiness and her blame so I chose to shut down.

I guess this thinking of her might be ruminating over how I could have tried some... .Which is ridiculous to even think that way because I was depleted so I couldn't have tried if I wanted to she had worn me out.

[Copperfox]

Yep, we've all been there.  The what if's are the toughest part ... .you think: maybe if i'd done that, or said that, or did it differently, etc. etc. etc.  But probably it wouldn't have made much difference, there would have been some other issue, some other problem.  Love can't be lived on a knife's edge.

It may feel like you're going in circles, but it's more like a spiral.  You're probably making slow, steady progress, whether you realize it or not.  The only way out, is through.

If you need to, you can always come here and talk about those thoughts ... .that's what we're here for 

[christin5433]

Yep, we've all been there.  The what if's are the toughest part ... .you think: maybe if i'd done that, or said that, or did it differently, etc. etc. etc.  But probably it wouldn't have made much difference, there would have been some other issue, some other problem.  Love can't be lived on a knife's edge.

It may feel like you're going in circles, but it's more like a spiral.  You're probably making slow, steady progress, whether you realize it or not.  The only way out, is through.

If you need to, you can always come here and talk about those thoughts ... .that's what we're here for u

Thanks Copperfox .  Your original post about the brain ruminating is spot on ... .I agree. I do share it here its where I can get it out and maybe learn something . 

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm 11 weeks out and the obsessive thinking about her, what she's doing, who she's doing (I know that now cause Ive seen the replacement) and what I'd done things differently, what if we might ever get back together, started about 4 weeks after the break up.

Its pretty intense and pretty normal, because you cared for your ex and you cared for the illusion of a future together. I'm in no way out of the woods yet, but you will start to grow tired of thinking about her in a few months time. You'll slowly detach, but its a painful process. The more codependent you are the more difficult it is. Me, I'm very codependent, so I've been close to suicide because of all this myself. If you ever find yourself in that position contact your T immediately, its not worth it.

You might think of yourself like a creep now thinking about her all the time, but as long as you don't act upon it, its not bad and you won't hurt anyone but yourself. Good luck with the detaching, in a year we can look back on this and be relieved that we have made so much progress.

[NYMike]

But why the stalker stage in the grieving process?

I'm not acting on it but my thoughts seem to be going there.

I think I just want to throw it out there?

I figure the honesty will take the power out of it!

If you are not acting on it, then it's not really stalker-ish. That's a good thing, shows emotional maturity.

Ruminations, that's all they are. Analyzing the past, imagining present possibilities.  Looking for answers, clues.  Your brain had built up a reality, a set of beliefs.  About yourself, about how she felt about you.  Your brain's biochemistry even changed during the process. Those beliefs have been shaken, and your brain is trying to reconcile.  Ruminating is part of the process. We all go through it.

Life has handed you a puzzle, one that tugs at your understanding driven nature. Don't feel bad about it.  Be patient with it.  The brain is resetting itself, it just takes time.

At the time I was not to Mature I suppose.This puzzle drove me crazy.I remember telling a friend of mine I need to go to the State Hospital.I was falling in and out of reality.It was so frieghtning to be at that place I was.I still have so much bitterness towards her for bringing me into this puzzle.Then again I also signed up for this when I met her.

I went for broke and went on a couple of missions.What I found out was very painful.At least I know now what was going on and in some warped way it helped me a little to start my closure and healing.I had to find some truth to all of this.

I found out she in many ways had a double life behind my back.She was talking with her ex's and visiting her ex and doing Cocaine with him.She had many male supplys to turn to.This still haunts me and hurt me so deeply 8 weeks later.My mind can take me to having ''images'' and ''pictures'' in my head of them having sex and sleeping together.Makes me wanna PUKE.

Sometimes we may have to go find TRUTH.I do not suggest this because I ended up very angry and confronted her.She then LIED and called police and I now have a 90 day OOP.This OOP kinda helped me and it helps me with NC.

[christin5433]

Yes I do sort of creepy and I know it's not what I want to act on. It's jealousy which I believe is normal . I mean just because you split up doesn't mean you have just totally let go of what you guys had. I feel sad writing this right now. I do feel this type of not wanting her w someone ... .But when I read all about out of sight out of mind , replacement therapy , FB as there hunting ground , I attend meetings and so does she and I wonder if its going to be in my face , all of this part is the YUK part . I need to mature up though and get through this too! It's not my Buisness I keep telling myself. And it isn't. It will def make me cry and I'm sure that's what I really worry about ... .That deep cry. Oh well I think to be honest about my feelings may help me when it finally does happen .

[NYMike]

Yes I do sort of creepy and I know it's not what I want to act on. It's jealousy which I believe is normal . I mean just because you split up doesn't mean you have just totally let go of what you guys had. I feel sad writing this right now. I do feel this type of not wanting her w someone ... .But when I read all about out of sight out of mind , replacement therapy , FB as there hunting ground , I attend meetings and so does she and I wonder if its going to be in my face , all of this part is the YUK part . I need to mature up though and get through this too! It's not my Buisness I keep telling myself. And it isn't. It will def make me cry and I'm sure that's what I really worry about ... .That deep cry. Oh well I think to be honest about my feelings may help me when it finally does happen .

I think it is some jealousy.This is normal.

But what damaged me is how fast I was ''replaced'' and ''discarded'' like I never exsisted in her life.That is what a lot of us go through.The utter discard and abandonment.

This spoke volumes of the type of person she is.This was not the woman I met.This spoke volumes of her lack of morals and values that she will just run off with anyone.That is the reality of my ex.

I am still coming out of the ''fantasy'' and the ''FOG'' they talk about around here.The more I try to see reality the more I realize that she only brought me the Mirroring Phase.That is very intoxicating in these relationships and endings.

Most days I have to realize that woman was not REAL.Thats the disorder.Next week she may meet a man that is into Hockey.Then she will be all about Hockey wearing a Northstar Jersey,LMAO... .

[icom]

This spoke volumes of her lack of morals and values that she will just run off with anyone.That is the reality of my ex.

No, mate; it speaks volumes about the severity of the pathological defence mechanisms of a personality disordered individual.

Unconscious/involuntary defence mechanisms that are triggered by intimacy. 

In other words, the behaviour was impersonal.

One of the hardest life concepts for me to accept was that-like in chemistry-events tend towards a gradual decline into disorder, and prefer minimum energy states: misfortune-in general-is the rule, and not the exception.

 

[christin5433]

NY Mike it's a real bummer we share openly to someone who is just mirroring us... .They mirror many I notice . I see more and more how she was different if she wanted others approval ? Intimacy was a topic that was hard to do or even communicate about . You would think that word was like the f word... .I know she tried her best I saw her have episodes trying to give me intimacy... So I stop needing it as much as I'd desire. But we had a few kind intimate gestures that we'd do like call each Hun , kiss , hug here and there , a greeting after work. Those little jesrures became to dwindle away too. She began thinking it was control but it was some intimacy . Our life rarely showed those playful laughs in bed , random sex w extra kissing and looking at each other , or talks that bring you to appreciate one another on such a connected level. It's funny lots of people say the are extreme codependent but was it that you had a r/s with another who lacked the skill of connecting without abuse and struggle?

Idk ... .Needs I hear is very hard for them to give . They are the ones that need so when we are gone they find another to for fill thier need. I think it's scary to just jump to another that's not me ... .But pwBPD are terrified of being alone , in peace, no drama . I'm hoping these waves of jealousy attachment and grief get less and less as I go through my feelings. I surely have no interest in a replacement ... .Idk I need a break to repair