Stupid me breaking NC

[balou_k]

I have been so stupid today... I had no contact since the 12th of October last year... Guess what I did today...

I send a message with the phone of my best friend, here's what I send:

Hello,

I understand that you don't expect a message from me and maybe you don't want it either...

But it is weird to me to have no contact, especially at new years eve. I didn't wish you a good new year, and I don't like that I can't talk to you anymore after our 3 years relationship. 

I don't really know why I send you this message, just to let you know that it was all real to me. That I miss you and love you, and I hope you are doing well.

Greeting and a happy newyear.


I translated the message because I'm from the Netherlands...

She didn't send me a message (she has me as a whatsapp contact and I'm not blocked) and didn't send a message back to my best friend.

I didn't ad a name but it is nog hard for her to guess from who the message was...

I don't know how I feel now, releaved that I could tell her what I felt... But also sad, scared... Anxiety... Stupid me...

Just wanted to tell you guys, don't know why... When will the hurt end?

[Perdita]

I don't know when the hurt will end.  Been 2 weeks for me. 

It's never a good idea to break NC, but maybe you needed to say those things to help you move on.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  We all here understand that loneliness and wanting to connect to the person you love/d. 

[CloseToFreedom]

Ive been 7 weeks out now and Ive broken NC multiple times. She not once. In our previous break ups she would always do it but I guess Im painted black for good now.

I always regret breaking NC. It feels good in the beginning, like a junkie getting his fix, feeling more alive because there is contact. But you never get out of it what you want, so you'll end up even worse than you felt.

Its a long, difficult road. Don't be ashamed for making mistakes like this sometimes.

[JRT]

I broke NC on xmas eve... .i had to do it from the hotel that I was stating at since she has my phones blocked from calling and texting... .I said hello and she hung up... .an hour later I got a call from the local police.

What is it about NC? Is it supposed to take power away from a BPD?

[Perdita]

What is it about NC? Is it supposed to take power away from a BPD?

I would say it is more about taking your power back.

[Alberto]

What is it about NC? Is it supposed to take power away from a BPD?

We are designed to forget painful emotions, but you have to depart from them first.

[JRT]

So this is my confusion: where one person says that it removes power from them (consistent with what I have read: splitting and cutting off is a power thing) and another explains that it is a tool for oneself to cope and not have the dysfunction of the BPD upset your healing.

If it IS a short circuit of power, how does this work? This is even in a bit of contradiction to what I have read where to a BPD, when you are out of sight you are out of mind and their thinking about you floats gradually away if they think about you at all.

[Alberto]

So this is my confusion: where one person says that it removes power from them (consistent with what I have read: splitting and cutting off is a power thing) and another explains that it is a tool for oneself to cope and not have the dysfunction of the BPD upset your healing.

If it IS a short circuit of power, how does this work? This is even in a bit of contradiction to what I have read where to a BPD, when you are out of sight you are out of mind and their thinking about you floats gradually away if they think about you at all.

I've never seen distance making a pwBPD forget about a primary object. Quite the contrary, I've seen them getting absolutely crazy trying to keep the relationship alive.

I don't know about the power struggle, but obviously, if you want to forget about someone the first step is keeping them out of your life for a considerable time.

[JRT]

Hmmmmm... .mine has not said a word to me... .it has been 3.5 months... .of course, I have spoken to her dad and there has been some other indirect communication (I tired to call her in xmas eve, the cops called, ) is this enough for her to feel a sense of power? As recently as 2 weeks ago, a friend had contacted me attempting to retrieve some property from me (I suspect it was her using her account)... .do you suspect that she derives power from that?

Trying to figure this all out... .

[Hazelrah]

I broke NC on xmas eve... .i had to do it from the hotel that I was stating at since she has my phones blocked from calling and texting... .I said hello and she hung up... .an hour later I got a call from the local police.

What is it about NC? Is it supposed to take power away from a BPD?

Hi JRT,

NC in this context is really best used as a means of helping one begin to heal and cut the ties of a painful attachment.  I know that it is a very difficult thing to stick with—it was difficult for me, as well.  However, remaining in contact with someone we share an agonizing bond with slows our healing and keeps us in that famous FOG.  Personally, I don’t feel it should be used as a ‘power’ tool, or a mode of trying to ‘win back’ a BPD (or anyone else, for that matter).   That is not using NC to its fullest potential.

Breaking NC seems to have been upsetting to both of you.  What is the longest you were able to maintain NC before breaking it?  Did you find that time helpful? 

[Alberto]

Hmmmmm... .mine has not said a word to me... .it has been 3.5 months... .of course, I have spoken to her dad and there has been some other indirect communication (I tired to call her in xmas eve, the cops called, ) is this enough for her to feel a sense of power? As recently as 2 weeks ago, a friend had contacted me attempting to retrieve some property from me (I suspect it was her using her account)... .do you suspect that she derives power from that?

Trying to figure this all out... .

I suspect she simply doesn't want to see you anymore, it hurts, but it's a blessing.

[JRT]

I doubt it; I have confirmed that she is stalking my fb page... .it hurts because it actually was a good relationship... .we didn't have the typical BPD verbal punching matches... .in fact, we never quarreled at all... .

[Alberto]

I doubt it; I have confirmed that she is stalking my fb page... .it hurts because it actually was a good relationship... .we didn't have the typical BPD verbal punching matches... .in fact, we never quarreled at all... .

Well If you want to rekindle the relationship I cant really blame you, I understand, but if she really has BPD you're in for a lot of hurt.

In that regard I don't know if NC can be a tool, 3'5 months is a lot of time.

[JRT]

I've never been one to stand down from a challenge, even if it is daunting.

Three and a half months does seem like a lot of time... .I would have thought that when I called her in xmas eve that she would have calmed down a bit - nothing doing. As far as BPD's go, its my understanding that they are the opposite: obnoxious in trying to maintain contact though there are some that just go away and don't.

[Alberto]

I've never been one to stand down from a challenge, even if it is daunting.

Three and a half months does seem like a lot of time... .I would have thought that when I called her in xmas eve that she would have calmed down a bit - nothing doing. As far as BPD's go, its my understanding that they are the opposite: obnoxious in trying to maintain contact though there are some that just go away and don't.

In my experience, she is exploring other options. The first time I broke up with my gf she contacted me 2 or 3 times every week for 4 months, the second time I was cruel and she completely disapeared, called her 3 times to apologize and she vomited pure hate.

[JRT]

I think that it is something else:

in between relationships, she tends to retract and hibernate. Even on her recycles, she was emphatic that there was no one else and said it in a way that (despite being a liar) I believed her. I also know that she is seeing a therapist and if they are decent, they are advising her to not initiate anything.

The last time we recycled, I did the thing that I felt was the most appropriate: start dating again. After all, I WAS single again. Upon getting back together, she told me how infuriated this made her (I put my profile back up on the site that we met on). To which I pointed out that I WAS single. To me, this indicated that her idea of a breakup and what it meant to the rest of the world (and me) were inconsistent. This time I did the same thing after a month or so... .and I wonder if this really sent her off of the edge.

I mean, I am dammed if I do and damned if I don't: start dating or stay single indefinitely or stay single and MAYBE hear back from her. Its enough to drive me crazy.

[Recooperating]

Hoi Balou!

When will the hurt end you ask? It may never end, but it will get less. The sh!tty thing about it that it takes time and it takes work. Determination, rationalization of the truth rather then the fairytales in our heads.

NC is a tool for us to re-regulate our emotions and get off the famous rollercoaster. It cuts the never ending drama from our life and there is room to focus on our own part in the dysfunction rather then our space and time being absorbed by the BPD. At least thats how I see it. I am 4 months out, and 3,5 NC. I recently joined a group therapy for my codependancy traits and I am learning a lot. The focus is allowed to be on me now, I dont have to rescue anyone but myself for a change! (if you would like Ill send you a couple of links you can find specialized help on break ups with N/BPDs. Im in NL as well)

It still hurts for me too. I still think about him every day but I realize I was never truely in love with him. I was in love with his potential, the person he could be and was at times during the honeymoon phase. I was in live with how it could be in the future, but not in live with how it actually was. Yes there were some good times,  maybe a day here or there, but there was ALWAYS drama! I keep reminding myself and that helps staying NC.

Ive been through too many recycles and wasted too much of my time and energy on him. Time to take care of ourselfs now!

Sending you big hugs!

Groetjes Recoop

[Trog]

Ive been burnt by accepting her contacts probably 20 times or so! Within minites i end up regretting it as I am insulted, or taunted cruelly even if initially she is in tears when I answer the phone. Without exception I regret it. Sometimes you gotta learn!

Just think, in past experience how does this go? Contact always ends in pain in the end... .

[balou_k]

I doubt it; I have confirmed that she is stalking my fb page... .it hurts because it actually was a good relationship... .we didn't have the typical BPD verbal punching matches... .in fact, we never quarreled at all... .

I read en hear that a lot, that they don't contact you but do look what you are doing on the Internet... .

What does it mean?

Hmmmmm... .mine has not said a word to me... .it has been 3.5 months... .of course, I have spoken to her dad and there has been some other indirect communication (I tired to call her in xmas eve, the cops called, ) is this enough for her to feel a sense of power? As recently as 2 weeks ago, a friend had contacted me attempting to retrieve some property from me (I suspect it was her using her account)... .do you suspect that she derives power from that?

Trying to figure this all out... .

I don't know about the power, is there any? They only have power when we alow them to have it isn't it... ?

I don't know when the hurt will end.  Been 2 weeks for me. 

It's never a good idea to break NC, but maybe you needed to say those things to help you move on.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  We all here understand that loneliness and wanting to connect to the person you love/d. 

I do feel calmer, I told what I needed to tell...

[balou_k]

My ex replied to the message... She replied: Do you have a new phone number?

Nothing more nothing less... I'm happy it's not a mean message so I'm relieved a bit...

But she knows my phone number, she is a whatsapp contact and she didn't blocked me... .

[JRT]

I doubt it; I have confirmed that she is stalking my fb page... .it hurts because it actually was a good relationship... .we didn't have the typical BPD verbal punching matches... .in fact, we never quarreled at all... .

I read en hear that a lot, that they don't contact you but do look what you are doing on the Internet... .

What does it mean?

I wish that I knew exactly. I read somewhere here that the dynamic is that they breakup the relationship, but they never really fully detach from the person. Hence, why the might show you 6 months, a year, 10 years later. If you hear anything more, let me know.

Hmmmmm... .mine has not said a word to me... .it has been 3.5 months... .of course, I have spoken to her dad and there has been some other indirect communication (I tired to call her in xmas eve, the cops called, ) is this enough for her to feel a sense of power? As recently as 2 weeks ago, a friend had contacted me attempting to retrieve some property from me (I suspect it was her using her account)... .do you suspect that she derives power from that?

Trying to figure this all out... .

I don't know about the power, is there any? They only have power when we allow them to have it isn't it... ?

Yeah, I think. So if I were to start calling her, the power is for her to believe that I really still wanted her and that my life was in disarray without her in it.

I don't know when the hurt will end.  Been 2 weeks for me. 

It's never a good idea to break NC, but maybe you needed to say those things to help you move on.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  We all here understand that loneliness and wanting to connect to the person you love/d. 

I do feel calmer, I told what I needed to tell...