Starting the process

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was raised by a mother with un-diagnosed BPD (I came to the diagnosis through therapists and doctors I have worked with).  I went to live with my father when I was about 17, and although I have stayed in contact with her, I have mentally distanced myself from my childhood experiences as much as possible.  Last night my mother called me at one in the morning crying about a recent miscarriage (and feelings of hopelessness).  Although I found the space within myself to be loving during the call I felt anger and  anxiety rise up in me afterwards. I had trouble sleeping and felt mad (and then guilty) that she had called.  A lot I repress was re-awakened within me.

Growing up with my mother was like having a 5 year old for a guardian.  There was total un-certainty.  We moved about 20 times before I was 16.  Her reasoning and sudden mood swings seemed irrational.  She was unable to keep a job and we depended on money she made from occasional house cleaning, welfare and child support.  Reality is difficult for her.  She expects to become fabulously wealthy as an artist and makes no plans for her future.  Recently she was homeless for a stretch of time- sleeping in park bathrooms.  She seemed to see me less as a child and more as an equal who was supposed to help her through life.  Her need for us to take care of her, and her expectation for us to function emotionally like adults left little to no room for my emotional experience.

When I turned 12 my father began the process of suing for custody.  She became paranoid and extremely angry.  I was often grounded and was unable to properly socialize with my peers.  As I grew older and began showing signs of severe depression/anxiety and an eating disorder the situation fell apart and I was often locked in the house for months.  Sometimes she wouldn't even let me read.  I started a process of shutting myself down emotionally and letting intensity brew within me until it explodes.

I have been able to find stability in my life but I still find myself responding emotionally in BPD ways learned from her.  I suffer from anxiety, emotional dependence, insomnia, and poor self esteem.  This is not acceptable for me.  I want to break the cycle of mental illness that my family has experienced.

My mother loves me deeply and I know this.  Although my interactions with her are cold, I know that she only has my sister and I.  I feel guilty for the anger I have towards her and I try to convince myself the situation was not that bad but I know that it was not "normal"

I am ready to heal and to let go of certain patterns of being that no longer serve me but I don't know where to start.  I want to face my childhood without letting it pull me back.

Any suggestions of where to start are appreciated.  Additionally, if anyone knows of guided meditations that may support- I would greatly appreciate that.

Thank you for taking the time to read and allowing me to share my experience.  It means an incredible amount to me.

[fridaluna]

I was raised by a mother with un-diagnosed BPD (I came to the diagnosis through therapists and doctors I have worked with).  I went to live with my father when I was about 17, and although I have stayed in contact with her, I have mentally distanced myself from my childhood experiences as much as possible.  Last night my mother called me at one in the morning crying about a recent miscarriage (and feelings of hopelessness).  Although I found the space within myself to be loving during the call I felt anger and  anxiety rise up in me afterwards. I had trouble sleeping and felt mad (and then guilty) that she had called.  A lot I repress was re-awakened within me.

Growing up with my mother was like having a 5 year old for a guardian.  There was total un-certainty.  We moved about 20 times before I was 16.  Her reasoning and sudden mood swings seemed irrational.  She was unable to keep a job and we depended on money she made from occasional house cleaning, welfare and child support.  Reality is difficult for her.  She expects to become fabulously wealthy as an artist and makes no plans for her future.  Recently she was homeless for a stretch of time- sleeping in park bathrooms.  She seemed to see me less as a child and more as an equal who was supposed to help her through life.  Her need for us to take care of her, and her expectation for us to function emotionally like adults left little to no room for my emotional experience.

When I turned 12 my father began the process of suing for custody.  She became paranoid and extremely angry.  I was often grounded and was unable to properly socialize with my peers.  As I grew older and began showing signs of severe depression/anxiety and an eating disorder the situation fell apart and I was often locked in the house for months.  Sometimes she wouldn't even let me read.  I started a process of shutting myself down emotionally and letting intensity brew within me until it explodes.

I have been able to find stability in my life but I still find myself responding emotionally in BPD ways learned from her.  I suffer from anxiety, emotional dependence, insomnia, and poor self esteem.  This is not acceptable for me.  I want to break the cycle of mental illness that my family has experienced.

My mother loves me deeply and I know this.  Although my interactions with her are cold, I know that she only has my sister and I.  I feel guilty for the anger I have towards her and I try to convince myself the situation was not that bad but I know that it was not "normal"

I am ready to heal and to let go of certain patterns of being that no longer serve me but I don't know where to start.  I want to face my childhood without letting it pull me back.

Any suggestions of where to start are appreciated.  Additionally, if anyone knows of guided meditations that may support- I would greatly appreciate that.

Thank you for taking the time to read and allowing me to share my experience.  It means an incredible amount to me.

[Skip]

I want to break the cycle of mental illness that my family has experienced.

My mother loves me deeply and I know this.  Although my interactions with her are cold, I know that she only has my sister and I.  I feel guilty for the anger I have towards her and I try to convince myself the situation was not that bad but I know that it was not "normal"

I am ready to heal and to let go of certain patterns of being that no longer serve me but I don't know where to start.  I want to face my childhood without letting it pull me back.

Any suggestions of where to start are appreciated.  Additionally, if anyone knows of guided meditations that may support- I would greatly appreciate that.

Your's is a hard story to read.    

My hats off to you for your self-awareness and clear sense of purpose.

Have you had a chance to like on any or the 21 steps in the right margin?  What step do you fell describes where you are?

[fridaluna]

Hi Skip,

I appreciate you bringing my focus back to the steps.  I appreciate the process being outlined.  I feel I am solidly between Remembering 4-5.  I am still allowing myself to acknowledge the experience without pushing it into the past.

Thank you for your response.

[HadleyatHome]

My husband has a probable  BPD mother (and sister actually) and is right at step 1. I am here to help find him resources and information. Right now he is overwhelmed with all that is out there and needs me to filter lots of it for him to then process in bits and pieces. Seeing or hearing other's stories helps him since for so long he felt alone in this world because of what his mother has done. So thank you for sharing.

I really like the meditations in this book, as they help me focus on bettering and believing in myself.

www.amazon.com/Believing-In-Myself-Esteem-Meditations/dp/0671766163

[Skip]

Thanks of the recommendation.