They can't let you have even one day of peace...

[MiserableDaughter]

So I have had the most stressful week. My husband had a massive heart attack at age 40. He's been doing great all year and recently started cardiac symptoms again. We were so scared maybe his stent wasn't functioning right or new blockage all week. Then on Friday finally went to get all tests redone by cardiologist. We were so so freaked out... .Fortunately his results were fine! Turns out likely allergies! You can't imagine the relief since a year ago he was 10 minutes away from death! So my uBPD mom actually behaved normally this week and just said she hopes all is well blah blah... .So Friday found out good result ! Next day on Saturday, mom started her drama and complaints again. Just took less than 24 hours. Couldn't let me have peace. I called her to ask if her and dad wanna go out to dinner for their anniversary on Monday... .And in return I got my mom complaining about my mil who is visiting saying that my mil keeps saying "you're gonna get a timeout" to my 2.5 year old who misbehaves and "she's scaring him so much! That child is going to tremble and you are going to all dry up his blood he'll be so scared!" Um. We use time outs on occasion to discipline since it works a bit. We love our son to bits and he's anything but scared! He's a happy child! Then she went on to complain tgat my mil said my mom is spoiling him. Um yes she does! It's absurd! She spends thousands and buys whatever he lays a have on because she wants to be preferred even over me! She doesn't put him down and carries him all the time like a baby hog. She competes with me. Doesn't ever tell my son no and he acts like a best around her. If I ever say anything she goes all drama craxy saying "that's what grandmothers do!" I very politely yesterdat said well, yes mom anyone can see he acts spoiled around you because you don't say no. This turned into "oh now I'm blamed for his behavior? You don't even let me see him! We see him every two weeks! Why don't you even cut that? I see him so less so I can't say no to him!" Blah blah... um maybe that's WHY I don't have him see them often! She competes with me, tries to take over and had even said that I'm threatened he will be on "her side." Apparently there are sides in raising my kid... .She couldn't have waited to have her freak out. One day my stress calms down and she springs her drama on me like she was just waiting! Seriously the amount of selfishness is ridiculous! These days get craziness is even more cause my mil is visiting from India and she cajt stand that she is spending time with my son. I mean the normal mom would be like ph she's gone through so much so let small stuff go. Nope... .It's hopeless to expect any normality

[HadleyatHome]

I feel like everything I read on here resonates with our situation! Our MIL makes outrageous allegations as well that no one in their right mind would conclude. For so long we wondered if we were crazy and somehow didn't realize it. Stepping back it's clear to see she is always stirring the pot. One time we shared a cute video with her of our at the time 3 year old starting to get upset with her sister, who was 7,  in the bath over a very silly thing. My parents thought it was cute and funny, so did we. But MIL told us we were as bad as sexual predators because the 3 year old was naked and vulnerable and that she likely would never recover from the fact that her sister teased her while in the tub. It was such a strange jump and exteme allegation. We were shocked. My MIL does the same thing where she alleges we withold the children from her because she isn't invited to our home every weekend we have them (it's 50/50 joint custody). It's so frustrating! We were also told we hated our kids because we gave a time out on Christmas when the middle child smacked a cousin. It's always so ridiculous.

I'm glad your husband is okay. Hopefully you'll be able to get some space from her so you guys can relax.

[clljhns]

Hi MiserableDaughter,

I am so glad to hear that your husband is okay! What a huge relief for your family!

After reading your post, I was wondering if you had read any of the articles on communication. Here is the link for several tools in communication: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0.

Give them a try, and let us know how it goes.

Wishing you all the best. 

[Clearmind]

MD, boundaries are really important. Boundaries protect you and not change her. We have two choices - we either suck it up and take the calls or we step back and allow our parents to be accountable and let them self soothe rather than calling on you to do it for them.

Sounds simple right? Well no! Often when we step back to take care of ourselves and our partners/kids it can bring about fear, obligation and guilt. Fear of repercussions (because we knew as kids if we didn't do what they wanted we were punished/devalued), obligated to fix the problem for them (because we have become accustomed as kids to be the little adults to always be available for our ill parent) and guilt (for not being there to fix and for taking time for ourselves).

So my friend, as simple as it sounds you do have two choices - make it a choice to protect you and your family. You deserve peace but you are the only one who can do that for you. Once you have made the decision start to look at how you maybe contributing by being an enabler to her behaviour. Over to the right is a list of 1-21. I'm a firm believer of following that path to free yourself of your childhood conditioning. You are not that little kid anymore MD - you are an adult with adult privileges and saying No is your right.

Then its possible to step back from the drama and not engage

After reading your post, I was wondering if you had read any of the articles on communication. Here is the link for several tools in communication: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0.