Possibly turned a corner - Maybe a glimmer of empathy

[Ripped Heart]

BPDgf phoned again tonight, she is sounding much better over the past week than what she has over the past 2 months. We have a little routine going right now which works very well for me (given some of the posts I've had on here recently around her calling at all times especially when she knows I'm unavailable) Many thanks too to formflier, patientandclear and grey kitty because without you guys, I wouldn't have been able to put this in place.

To avoid the issues around calling at unavailable times, I have set a specific time when I am available for her and that's in the evening just as she is going to bed between 10pm - 11pm. Anything that I'm doing, such as gym, meeting friends etc... is usually done by that time so I'm always available to answer the phone. This does not mean I'm not available at any other time, should there be a real emergency and she needed to get hold of me. Also if she does call at any other time and I don't pick up, I will respond as soon as I am able to. I've seen positive results in this over the past couple of days in that she will call and I will now see only 1 missed call rather than 8 or 9 and true to my word, I call her straight back. If I have my phone with me but in a meeting etc, I will send her a quick text to let her know I've seen her call and will call her back shortly. However, the 10-11pm call, I am always available to answer that. Gradually, I feel it's building up trust and there has been no anger or animosity on the phone, it's all been pleasant.

However, part of that might be down to the entire conversation is about her day, what she has been up to, what her plans are for the following day. Praise for the good things she has done, praise for the positive steps she has taken, validation of her feelings (which are all positive right now) and support for the things she is doing. That's how the conversations go every night and I'm not too concerned about it.

Tomorrow is a very big day for me. I'm in court in the morning for contact with my youngest children. Contact got stopped the moment new bf came onto the scene because my exgf believes in her own little bubbble and doesn't want anybody getting in the way of that. I was once new bf too and the same thing happened to her ex. Lots of Cluster B traits going on there according to T also but I don't think there was ever enough for her to be pwBPD. Either way, tomorrow is going to be a very good day because as Lawyer has said, exgf is in for a huge rude awakening tomorrow. She faced a similar one in court from her exbf too a couple of years ago. So it's a nervous moment, I do get to speak to my kids and I've seen them several times over the past month as exgf hoped I would drop the court matter by backing down, I just want it legalised now.

I've had all sorts of mixed feelings and emotions today and would have liked to have shared those with BPDgf but I know I wouldn't have got the response back that I wanted or needed to hear. Instead, I called my UdBPDm and she is coming over tomorrow to go to court with me. I know she isn't there to support me, she just wants to watch exgf get torn to pieces for what it's done to her but it feels like I have support 

About 30 mins ago I got a text from BPDgf which caught me completely off guard. She wanted to apologise because she forgot to wish me luck for tomorrow (without any prompting on dates, which is why I know when I tell her about being unavailable I don't believe she forgets, I think she is testing me) and also wanted to know if I needed her to come up and support me in court. Again, I think it's for similar reasons to my mother  but it has really caught me by surprise tonight. I've responded back to thank her for the offer, that I know she has a busy day herself tomorrow so wouldn't want to impose on what she has to do. That I will let her know as soon as it's over and that we could arrange to go celebrate one evening when she is free.

Like I say, I know my mothers motives, I've lived with that my entire life  But BPDgf caught me completely off guard tonight, an apology, a thoughtful message and an offer of support. I've not seen that since the start of our r/s and I wonder if it has anything to do with putting rules and routines in place that alleviate some of those fears and concerns

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[formflier]

 

This is good... .I wish you luck in court tomorrow.

[Ripped Heart]

Got another text this morning to wish me luck as I'm due in court in 90 mins. She also stated that once this is over we should go out to celebrate and that she can't wait to finally get to meet the girls.

I re-iterated again that it meant a lot to me that she offered her support and that I'm extremely grateful for the offer. Also, that I will let her know as soon as I have an outcome.

One of the boundaries I set last week was that I couldn't allow her in and out of my life as far as my children were concerned. The events of New years Eve were difficult for d14 to deal with as she had grown extremely close to BPDgf and I could not allow my other girls to be put in that same position. It's going to be difficult because I know for most of last year, all she wanted to do was meet the girls, she had so many plans for things we could do with them and places to take them and it's something I know she is looking forward to doing.

However, I have to stand by my principles because it wasn't just me she pushed away after Christmas, it was d14 too, only d14 didn't stand for it and blocked her on FB first. If this is going to work, there is definitely a bridge that needs to be built there too and my priority is always going to be to protect my children. It's funny, because I struggle with my own boundaries but the firmest I ever am is when it comes to my children. It's kind of like, you can hurt me all you want but you cannot hurt my children.

Again, I really hope this is a positive step in the right direction. I've backed off a lot this past week, let her come to me, tried some of the tips you guys have provided and things seem to be stabilising. I'm starting to learn what boundaries are and seeing small steps in the right direction, I just now need to learn how to keep them enforced without allowing them to slip.

[patientandclear]

What do you think your D14 was offended or injured by?  How would she explain it?

If it's that your gf engaged in push-pull behavior, or infidelity, how will you explain to your how you are protecting yourself from that?

My understanding is that your daughter was not reacting to clinginess or rages or anything about your gf's spending habits.  She was reacting to either the dramatic swings in the degree of closeness your gf was willing to engage in with you; or to the infidelity; or both, right?

Your engagement strategies seem to be assisting your gf in regulating her tone and approach to everyday relating, which is great.  But there are also these other aspects.  I think you want to be very careful of not reassuring your daughter that you can protect you or her against those developments, as you probably cannot.

[formflier]

  I think you want to be very careful of not reassuring your daughter that you can protect you or her against those developments, as you probably cannot.

Agreed... .best to under promise and over deliver... .than the other way around.

This is great time to have a talk about life with your daughter... .not everything goes smoothly... .

[Ripped Heart]

What do you think your D14 was offended or injured by?  How would she explain it?

If it's that your gf engaged in push-pull behavior, or infidelity, how will you explain to your how you are protecting yourself from that?

My understanding is that your daughter was not reacting to clinginess or rages or anything about your gf's spending habits.  She was reacting to either the dramatic swings in the degree of closeness your gf was willing to engage in with you; or to the infidelity; or both, right?

Your engagement strategies seem to be assisting your gf in regulating her tone and approach to everyday relating, which is great.  But there are also these other aspects.  I think you want to be very careful of not reassuring your daughter that you can protect you or her against those developments, as you probably cannot.

I spoke to d14 about it at the time and I think she was more angered by it and it was about that I was hurting. It had already been a very difficult year for d14, grandmother had a stroke, uncle attempted suicide (after receiving Aspergers Diagnosis also) grandfather diagnosed with cancer in August, died in October and then another uncle died in November. So it was a lot for d14 to deal with in the space of a very short time anyway.

I've long suspected d14 might also have Aspergers too, we are very alike and part of the reason we have such a close bond. She will say herself (and also something her mother has commented on) that the only people who really understand her and what goes on in her head are me and her uncle. I suspected Aspergers a long time ago but wondered if I was actually projecting on to her but after her uncles diagnosis, she has the gene from both sides of the family. If that is the case d14's motives and actions are not emotionally tied. I also find things far easier to explain to her because we approach things on the same wavelength, straight forward, logical and methodical.

I've already had a conversation with her around some of the issues but not really gone into what BPD is. I do know from the conversations we have had that for d14, she is very much like me in terms of attachments to others. She has her close circle of friends, has had to put up with the bullying and abuse from peers because she is exceptionally smart and 2-3 years above her age level. So it can be very difficult for her to make bonds with others unless she has to and I know with BPDgf she put the same amount of effort in as I did to learn and study her. Suddenly, everything she thought she had learned takes a complete twist in the opposite direction and it threw her out completely.

I think my best approach on this is to really sit down and have the conversation with her about the disorder and some of the behaviours associated with it and help her to identify those. As I say, she is an exceptionally smart girl who can converse very much an adult level so I have no issue about how I explain it to her, I never have with anything. Like me, she requires the cold, hard facts, the logic behind it and just a very straight forward approach. After that, I'm more than confident about leaving the decision of if she wants to re-engage in her own hands. My only concern is that I don't want her to do it because she is doing it for me, I want her to do it because she is comfortable, if she isn't I need her to tell me and then we can look at how we address that situation from there.

What I can reassure her about is that I can help identify the behaviours and what to look out for so that she doesn't get blind-sided.

[Grey Kitty]

  Good luck in court tomorrow.

I'm glad you are finding better boundaries and better behavior on the phone!