Dealing with Loneliness

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey all. It has been a few months since I posted on here. I had to take a break from bpdfamily since it was triggering me more than actually helping. Glad to be back since I've had some time off.

So, I told my uBPD wife in late October/early November that I wanted a divorce. I meant it and still stand by that decision. I have yet to file for divorce as I have not been able to afford it yet but I did get her to move out and have been moving forward with my life. Having my wife get out of the house has been the best thing to happen to me in a long time.

I got a roommate and everything is going well with him. He's a nice guy, pays his bills and doesn't make much noise. I'm in AA and have a sponsor, as well as good support network in the 12-step rooms. I am actively working the 12 steps. I was in recovery off and on for the last couple years but never really made a serious effort. That is until I decided to divorce/separate from my uBPD wife. I fell off the wagon again on November 9th due to stress from living with my wife and roommate/former best friend who she was cheating on me with. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and called a fiend in AA and she has become my sponsor. Since separating from my wife and re-commiting to the program have made leaps and bounds of progress in my alcohol/drug recovery. Having the chaos out of my life has made all the difference in my new sobriety.

Anyways... .the point of all this is that while my life is definitely getting better and less stressful in many ways I still find myself dealing with the very uncomfortable and unusual (for me) feelings of loneliness. I was always comfortable with my own company and doing solo activities before I started dating my wife. I guess after a decade of engulfment and extreme co-dependency I'm finding it strange and difficult to operate on my own again. I mean... .I enjoy having more free time and it has been beneficial in discovering who I am, what I like, my life goals, etc. However, it feels strange having a quiet home, no one to share trips to the grocery store with, having someone to come home to and go to bed with each night. Not that I mind having the bed to myself, but its still strange.

I've asked for advice from folks in 12 step programs and they just don't seem to get it. Everyone's response is, "Oh you just need to get a dog/cat/roommate and go to social events." Well, I do have a dog and a roommate but I'm as lonely as ever. I don't expect most people to know what it's like to adjust to "civilian life" after leaving a war zone of a marriage, but it sure would be nice to meet someone in person who does get it!

I know I just have to work through all the emotions and build up/rely on my current support network. It is just going to be a little uncomfortable in the mean time while I try to get comfortable with my own company again.

Anyone else been through this? How did you deal with it?

[ATLandon]

Hey all. It has been a few months since I posted on here. I had to take a break from bpdfamily since it was triggering me more than actually helping. Glad to be back since I've had some time off.

So, I told my uBPD wife in late October/early November that I wanted a divorce. I meant it and still stand by that decision. I have yet to file for divorce as I have not been able to afford it yet but I did get her to move out and have been moving forward with my life. Having my wife get out of the house has been the best thing to happen to me in a long time.

I got a roommate and everything is going well with him. He's a nice guy, pays his bills and doesn't make much noise. I'm in AA and have a sponsor, as well as good support network in the 12-step rooms. I am actively working the 12 steps. I was in recovery off and on for the last couple years but never really made a serious effort. That is until I decided to divorce/separate from my uBPD wife. I fell off the wagon again on November 9th due to stress from living with my wife and roommate/former best friend who she was cheating on me with. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and called a fiend in AA and she has become my sponsor. Since separating from my wife and re-commiting to the program have made leaps and bounds of progress in my alcohol/drug recovery. Having the chaos out of my life has made all the difference in my new sobriety.

Anyways... .the point of all this is that while my life is definitely getting better and less stressful in many ways I still find myself dealing with the very uncomfortable and unusual (for me) feelings of loneliness. I was always comfortable with my own company and doing solo activities before I started dating my wife. I guess after a decade of engulfment and extreme co-dependency I'm finding it strange and difficult to operate on my own again. I mean... .I enjoy having more free time and it has been beneficial in discovering who I am, what I like, my life goals, etc. However, it feels strange having a quiet home, no one to share trips to the grocery store with, having someone to come home to and go to bed with each night. Not that I mind having the bed to myself, but its still strange.

I've asked for advice from folks in 12 step programs and they just don't seem to get it. Everyone's response is, "Oh you just need to get a dog/cat/roommate and go to social events." Well, I do have a dog and a roommate but I'm as lonely as ever. I don't expect most people to know what it's like to adjust to "civilian life" after leaving a war zone of a marriage, but it sure would be nice to meet someone in person who does get it!

I know I just have to work through all the emotions and build up/rely on my current support network. It is just going to be a little uncomfortable in the mean time while I try to get comfortable with my own company again.

Anyone else been through this? How did you deal with it?

[hope2727]

Yes I know what you mean. I was single for many years after my divorce. I learned to do everything alone. But since my ex left I find myself lonely.

I too got a roommate and he came with a dog. He is lovely and good company. But yes I am still lonely. I don't have a solution other than keep going.

I have made some new friends. I am trying to get enthusiastic about running again (so far no luck on that one). I went back to the gym but had bronchitis so quit for the past several weeks. None of it soothes the lonely.

I think it will likely just take a lot of time. Then some day when we least expect it we won't be so lonely anymore. 

[cehlers55]

I'm not real lonely. Sometimes yes. But when feel lonely, or like kind of a loser (no date on new years eve) I just think about how much better off I am without her. I used to cringe when the garage door would open. Just fearing/stressing about the next roller coaster fall into the abyss. Fear of the insanity that was our marriage. So I look at those bad times and thinking about how much better off I am now makes it sort of go away.

I used to think that I was partially crazy or had a problem because i attracted a woman like this. But i read an article it said if you ask yourself "am i crazy?" your brain is programmed to give reasons why YES you are crazy. If you ask your brain a question it naturally comes up with reasons. So it's best not to ask. (hard to explain)

I apply that to more. asking myself questions like "am I lonely" of course I can come up with a dozen reasons that would justify why I'm lonely. So instead ask myself am i happy that after I come home from the grocery store alone, am I happy that i dont have to deal with a TREMENDOUS blow up? The answer is yes. Am i happy that i can spend time with friends and family (athough alone/no date) without the huge blow up that occurs when she doesn't get all my attention? Of course yes. A thousand times yes.

Phrase your questions to the positive you will find positive answers. I'm not a sappy/cheesy guy but it works for me.

[Hazelrah]

Hi ATLandon,

I certainly understand the loneliness you are experiencing--it really is a difficult thing to deal with at first, so my thoughts are with you.

When my BPDw left, I was terribly lonely.  The silence in my home was particularly rough on me.  I do have pets, and they actually helped me a lot, but I found myself doing  unusual things to battle the quiet... .things like having the TV or radio on at all times (even when I went to sleep), and leaving lights on in rooms around the house.  My T really thought I was dealing with some mild form of PTSD (my mom had also died shortly before my BPDw left), so she assured me that these were relatively benign  means of battling the anxiety.

I can be a hermit on occasion, but I knew this was not the time for indulging in that behavior.  I made sure to get out of the house and see family and friends as much as I could--I know it's a common suggestion that everyone recommends, and I know it's hard to do, but it really did help me.  Push yourself to do this, if only to help break up some of the monotony that goes with loneliness.

Ultimately, the thing that really helped me the most was time... .you aren't that far out, but you'll get there.    

[Tibbles]

Yes I know what you mean. I do feel lonely at times. I am enjoying the freedom and as cehlers55 said - I ask myself if I am happy going to the shops with no terrible consequences and the answer is always yes and I feel a spring in my step. But the loneliness is still there at times. I am guessing it always will be in a way. That intense connection of a soul mate is gone and the drama of that life is gone so now I have a big void in my life. I am working on filling it and maybe with time I won't feel lonely at all.

For now I'm trying to look at loneliness as a neutral state. It is a consequence of my choice to leave my marriage. I knew I would struggle and be lonely when I left. If I had to do it all over again - leave and be lonely would I? - yes. I see it as one of the uncomfortable feelings I avoided by being in an unhealthy relationship. Now I have to face me and deal with a whole heap of things I avoided by being in that relationship. Loneliness and being alone ( something I never was - my ex worked from home) are some of them.

As you say its strange being alone and lonely. I'm hoping time will help with this one - it's helped with other issues so I guess it will help with this one too.