Recent BPD breakup... it hurts

[wanderlust6294]

Just recently had a relationship come to a sudden, painful, and unforeseen end.  I didn't know what to do or feel other than betrayed and hurt that is.  Here it is:

My SO and I met 8 months ago and began dating pretty quickly.  We both agreed that we didn't want a serious relationship and that we would keep things more relaxed and continue to date other people.  Over the the next few months we started hanging out more and more until we were suddenly not dating other people and we were spending a significant amount of time together.  Until one day about 5 months in she told me that she was falling in love.  I knew I had been feeling the same way and was happy to hear her say it.  We spent the next two months in a very happy loving relationship I thought.  :)uring the December I started feeling her pull away.  It was little things like no "good morning" text or phone call.  Then not answering communications for hours until suddenly being very available and irritated that I was worried after not hearing back from her for hours.  She started to pick silly little fights that would inevitably get blown out of proportion and then we could talk about it and everything was fine... .I thought until just after New Years eve (the evening I introduced her to my children and told them she was someone important in my life) she told me she had to end things.  She used an excuse that it was because I lived 5 hours from my children and that she wasn't okay with that.  I was blindsided.  I'm a good father.  I've put over 20k miles on my vehicle over 6 months driving back and forth for award ceremonies and baseball games.  Not to mention I had my children for 2 months this summer when I first met her!  Since the break up I have learned that she met someone online before meeting my children and within 5 days of our breakup she moved him into her house.  Her friends were so shocked they did a background check and discovered that he actually abandoned his wife and unborn child 14 years ago and she has since remarried and another man has adopted and is raising his child.  After confronting her with this information and MORE her friends and family demanded that she move him out of her house (that she shares with her two children).  She has done so but continues to see him.  I am just starting to get my head clear of the FOG that was our break up 3 weeks ago and understand what actually happened.  I've been so caught up in getting her back or figuring out what I did wrong that I haven't been able to see that she is broken... .not me until recently finding sites like this one... .So grateful for the information age!  BTW although she is not diagnosed I can positively identify 6 of 9 markers for BPD although there are some that I wouldn't know without directly questioning her AND getting an honest answer.  Both are very unlikely!  

[Mutt]

Hi wanderlust6294,



I'm sorry to hear that. It's frustrating, confusing and painful when you're with someone and they leave and do irrational things. It's hard.

I'm glad that you have found us. Many members here share similar experiences and can offer guidance and support. A pwBPD want intimacy and fear intimacy at the same time and at times feel engulfed and push those they love the most far away. She sees the world in black and white and the people in it as all good or all bad. I'm not quite sure why the introduction of your kids triggered her? It may of been the significance that you were committed?

It's confusing when your partner leaves you for someone that may be very different than you and she's idealizing this person and devaluating you. I can relate.

Here's some info on splitting and idealization / devaluation:

From idealization to devaluation

Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Hang in there.

--Mutt