Recycling... is this really common with BPD?

[ManyPieces]

At the beginning of my breakup I had thoughts that maybe my ex bf wasn't BPD, maybe it's just he isn't into me. But the more I read on here the more I relate. One of the terms I just came across is recycling. My ex and I broke up soo many times during out one year RS. I thought getting back together that many times was normal but now that I've had space I realize it isn't. He broke up with me soo many times and somehow would make contact and come back. I don't get how feelings go away and come back. I am so full of anger looking back at everything. I wish I could forgive him so I can finally move on. I guess with time I will let it all go.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't get how feelings go away and come back.

The feelings are all still there, they're just intense and contradict one another.  Borderlines fear abandonment at the core, a replaying of the earliest situation that created the disorder to begin with, but if they get too close they feel engulfed, like they will lose themselves in another person.  Those two fears oppose one another, which creates the push/pull emotional behavior, the come here/go away, a borderline's attempt to straddle the line between abandonment and engulfment, although they probably can't articulate it like that, it's just a response to feelings.  And in the extreme that shows up as break up/make up/break up, attempts at managing an attachment, the focus for borderlines.  You can ride that roller coaster as long as you want, realizing there will be nothing but hills and dips, no flat, even track, or you can just get off the ride, those are the only choices.  Merry go rounds might not be as exciting, but they're a lot more stable and predictable.

[JRT]

Mine recycled at least a half of a dozen times during our r/s of 2 years.

[mitchell16]

yes my whole 3 years relationship was a break up and recycle just about every 6 to 8 weeks with the exception of teh first year only two break ups the first year and then we was only apart for about 3 weeks. which she iniated the recycle once and I did once. after the first year it was just about everey 6 to 8 weeks then 3 weeks apart and then her attempting to recycle. we woudl already have recycled this time if i hadnt went to NC and put a stop to this nonsense.

[ManyPieces]

yes my whole 3 years relationship was a break up and recycle just about every 6 to 8 weeks with the exception of teh first year only two break ups the first year and then we was only apart for about 3 weeks. which she iniated the recycle once and I did once. after the first year it was just about everey 6 to 8 weeks then 3 weeks apart and then her attempting to recycle. we woudl already have recycled this time if i hadnt went to NC and put a stop to this nonsense.

Its funny because thats exactly the timeline for us, everything would be fine for a few months then off the rails "dont have feelings" I also went no contact after the last break up. I am finding it super hard though.

[ManyPieces]

I don't get how feelings go away and come back.

The feelings are all still there, they're just intense and contradict one another.  Borderlines fear abandonment at the core, a replaying of the earliest situation that created the disorder to begin with, but if they get too close they feel engulfed, like they will lose themselves in another person.  Those two fears oppose one another, which creates the push/pull emotional behavior, the come here/go away, a borderline's attempt to straddle the line between abandonment and engulfment, although they probably can't articulate it like that, it's just a response to feelings.  And in the extreme that shows up as break up/make up/break up, attempts at managing an attachment, the focus for borderlines.  You can ride that roller coaster as long as you want, realizing there will be nothing but hills and dips, no flat, even track, or you can just get off the ride, those are the only choices.  Merry go rounds might not be as exciting, but they're a lot more stable and predictable.

I find that my problem has always been that I didn't recognize this push, pull. He was more subtle about it. He would pull away but by needing time alone or just not being as reponsive as usual. It wasnt the freak outs or "rage" i see a lot of people are dealt with, with their ex. It was like he would go cold. And then the breakup would happen. He would pull away from me and go into a depression but always blame me. I wasnt the perfect girlfriend by any means. I did have bouts of jealousy but i was always there for him so i need to stop blaming myself. Any bad behaviour on my end was a result of the emotional rollercoatser he was on. He was always really good at blaming me. WHy cant i just see that this wasnt right? that with a healthy person I would act like theold me. Ill stop ranting jsut a bad day today i guess

[Tim300]

There was a lot of recycling in our 2.5-year relationship.  There were a few "big" breakups where maybe we'd spend a week or two apart.  A couple of times I thought that our reuniting was a testament to our love for each other.  But by the third time or so, I had begun to have enough of this.  

But perhaps more oddly, there must have been at least a dozen "breakups" where she would just get worked up, say "let's break up, here's the ring back" and then within less than 10 minutes she'd be calling for me to return -- sometimes overtly begging, other times using some ruse like telling me that I broke something of hers and needed to return to fix it (the thing would never be broken when I got there).  The first few times I took her breakup requests very seriously and it hurt, but then this got to be such a normal occurrence that I began to just ignore her break up attempts and go into a different room or something, and then we would proceed shortly after as if nothing happened.  Similarly, when we lived together she would regularly get worked up and tell me to sleep in our spare bedroom, but then within 5 minutes she'd be in the spare bedroom trying to talk to me and trying to get me to return to our main bedroom.

[fromheeltoheal]

I wasnt the perfect girlfriend by any means. I did have bouts of jealousy but i was always there for him so i need to stop blaming myself.

We don't have to be perfect, humans are perfectly imperfect, but instead of 'blaming ourselves', which humans are good at, especially after being blamed for everything by someone who's offing emotions on us they can't deal with any other way, it's important to be honest with ourselves and take responsibility for our actions, and don't make it worse than it was, but don't make it better either, make it exactly how it was.  That will help us in our own growth and future relationships will benefit from it, even if we don't want to hear that right now.  How we respond to different situations in relationships has deep roots, and digging for those motivations is very beneficial, we'll get to know ourselves better, be better able to communicate our needs to people, and be better able to choose more appropriate partners.  Those really are the gifts of these relationships and they will happen, but when we're in the middle of it and having a bad day, if we can just put one foot in front of the other and have hope and faith that it will get better, much better, at least we can be assured we're on the right track.  Take care of you!