Putting your Support Team together

[Rapt Reader]

I've mentioned on this Board a few times about how I've been able to finagle a Support Team with my BPD son's Out-Patient Therapist, Psychiatrist and Neurofeedback Therapist.

I've been lucky in that he knew after being unable to kick his drug addiction (and myriad other problems) that he couldn't get better on his own, and beaten down and wanting help, he signed all the papers with his Professionals to let then talk to me when necessary.

They've become my lifeline (as well as his), and have been willing to listen to me, counsel me, help me... .In effect, his Therapists have become my Therapists by default. Along with my sisters--there are 5 of us, and I am the oldest--who are all there for me no matter what (we are a sorority of sorts   ), and 2 best friends who I can tell anything to, I have been fortunate to have assembled a group of confidantes so that I never feel alone with my problems.

When your child has the troubles that all of us parents on this Board are dealing with, you find out real quick that you cannot deal with that alone. What does your Support Team look like? How did you put that together?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dibdob59]

To put it simply, and not wanting to sound sorry for myself, I have no support team. From what I can tell it's not uncommon for families dealing with a pwBPD to become totally isolated. That is what has happened here.

I have two sisters who are 10 and 11 years older than me, one lives more than 2 hours drive away and the other overseas.  They have virtually no involvement or contact whatsoever. A card at Christmas from one and perhaps one text message a year from the other.

My parents have both been dead for many years (mum when I was 13, dad when I was 32).

I live in a remote area of the countryside just outside a small village, over an hour's drive from any large town/city. Very little (for that read none) recognition, support or understanding for BPD from GP. Actually none.

Mental health support in much of the UK is simply not available through the NHS and I can only find one private therapist who is aware of BPD who is 3 hours drive away and out of my financial range.

[lever.]

I understand your difficulty Dibdob as I also live in a rural area of the UK.

My DD also refused permission for any of her therapy team to talk to me.

Extended family-whilst closer geographically have little understanding and see her as just being difficult or "Not wired up right"!

The only positive I have is that the psychology dept of the nearest university has someone with a special interest in BPD. I have been to a few talks on mindfulness etc.

Also I have one friend who really gets it because she has had similar-in fact worse -problems with one of her own adult children.

If Al-Anon is good in your area you may find good support there.-It depends on the group. Your son does not have to be an alcoholic.

When things were at their worst I did talk to a therapist myself-she wasn't an expert in BPD but she did have some understanding and it just helped to have someone to talk to from outside the situation. It cost £30 per hour.

Having that one friend has made a big difference as DH is out of patience and DD2 has broken contact with her sister.

My Mum is 95 and needs my help-in fact everyone in my family is needing support from me rather than the other way round-so I find it very important to create a support network elsewhere.

This site to has been a very significant support for me.

[Tamara96]

Thank you for raising this topic.

Finding people who can remotely understand BPD is extremely difficult.

I would speak with my close friends they would offer me advice - well intentioned but not helpful with a BPD teen.  Then one day one friend asked me: how can I help you?

That is when I realized  I needed to let me friends know how they could best support me: by listening and being supportive. Giving this guidance has helped my closest friends become part of my support team. (Of course I was careful who I confided in).

I too have been lucky the therapist and psychiatrist have become my support team.

But what about creating a support team for siblings of BPD teen? That is such a difficult position to be in.

[Rapt Reader]

To put it simply, and not wanting to sound sorry for myself, I have no support team. From what I can tell it's not uncommon for families dealing with a pwBPD to become totally isolated. That is what has happened here.

Gee, dibdob59... .You have us    And, for a double-dose of high-quality support, you could read and post on the Staying Board since it's not just your son troubling you, but also your Husband... .Please keep reading and posting/post on both Boards; we're all here for you 24/7 

Do you have any friends around you, who--even if they can't or won't understand your son's and Husband's disorders, and your problems with them--can at least have coffee with you or lunch on a "girl's day out" where you can forget your troubles for a while? Have some quality "me time" to do what makes you happy with someone kind and fun? Shopping? Jogging or walking, or just sitting somewhere to relax and smell the roses? Sometimes support comes with a friendly face, even if that friend can't help you with your problems in any other way than taking your mind off of them... .

If you don't have anyone like that around you right now, is there a way to cultivate such a relationship? Do you have a Church now, or could you find one? Is there a Library with a Reading Club? A College nearby (like lever has) where you could take a course or join a group? Is there an Al-Anon Group in your area (a very good idea from lever, too). You might want to run an internet search in your area (or check your local paper), and you could find support in groups that you didn't even know existed before.  And, again... .You have us, Dibdob59 

I would speak with my close friends they would offer me advice - well intentioned but not helpful with a BPD teen.  Then one day one friend asked me: how can I help you?

That is when I realized  I needed to let me friends know how they could best support me: by listening and being supportive. Giving this guidance has helped my closest friends become part of my support team. (Of course I was careful who I confided in).

I too have been lucky the therapist and psychiatrist have become my support team.

But what about creating a support team for siblings of BPD teen? That is such a difficult position to be in.

Tamara96: You sound like you found the key; letting the people who love us know just what we need. If they can't understand, they can at least listen. Support comes in so many ways, and just helping us to transcend our troubles for a little while can be the breathing space we need to make it through another episode, another day... .

Your idea of a Support Group for siblings of BPD sufferers is a good one. Maybe you could even start one yourself? Have you checked out the NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness site to see if there is anything on there? They have a search bar for people to put in their own areas to see if there are amenities local to them, and they have access to Professionals and Courses and Support Groups, etc. It's worth a try 

[lever.]

I would just like to support what Rapt Reader is saying.

I think sometimes we need some time away that isn't related to the BPD at all.

I have a few girl friends I used to work with and we meet up monthly for an evening out and sometimes I meet one of them for lunch.

I don't say much about my daughter as they would just try to support me by saying that she is selfish-and that isn't really what I want to hear and makes me feel guilty for discussing her.

We do however have a nice time and it makes a change.

Also at the end of the month I am meeting some old friends from college.

My DH doesn't really want to socialize.

When we are extremely upset we very much need friends who understand and even professional help-but its also good to try to keep other friendships going.

Is there anyone you haven't seen for a while who would appreciate a call from you?