Hello, Zen80 &
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain and trauma you have been going through, and I can certainly understand your qualms about leaving your wife, especially due to your feelings about your kids and the repercussions if you do leave... .It's not easy!
Have you had the chance to read all of the
links to the right-hand side of this page? Although you are frustrated and ready to leave, there are things you can learn and do right this minute to help make things better in your marriage.
The Lessons are a great start with this, and reading the
Feature Articles (also found by clicking the links under the 4 photos at the top of the thread listings on this Board) can also help. Especially the Article
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?Here is an excerpt, and I encourage you to read the whole Article (and the others linked to above):
According to Mark Dombeck, Ph.D., Director of Mental Help Net and former Assistant Professor of Psychology at Idaho State University, there is no single reason why a relationship begins to break down. However, once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of events that tends to occur. Highly regarded psychologist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. suggests that there are four stages to this sequence which he has labeled, "The Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse".
Stage One The first stage of the breakdown process involves intractable conflict and complaints. All couples have conflicts from time to time, but some couples are able to resolve those conflicts successfully or 'agree to disagree', while others find that they are not. As we observed earlier, it is not the number or intensity of arguments that is problematic but rather whether or not resolution of those arguments is likely or possible. Couples that get into trouble find themselves in conflicts that they cannot resolve or compromise upon to both party's satisfaction. Such disagreements can be caused by any number of reasons, but might involve a clash of spousal values on core topics such as whether to have children, or how to handle money.
Frequently, couples assume that misunderstandings are at the root of their conflicts. "If my spouse really understood why I act as I do, he or she would agree with me and go along with what I want", is a commonly overheard refrain. Acting on this belief, spouses often try to resolve their conflicts by repeatedly stating and restating their respective rationals during disagreements. This strategy of repetition usually doesn't work because most of the time couple conflicts are not based on misunderstandings, but rather on real differences in values. When this is the case, stating and restating one's position is based on a mistaken premise and can only cause further upset.Since you are still in the house, still interacting with your wife, and still wanting to do what you can for your children, learning what you can about this disorder--getting a better handle on understanding how your wife's mind works, and what you can do to stop the bleeding and make things better--reading what you can right now would be something positive. Please let us know what you think about that information, and tell us more about your situation so we can help. I'm very glad you found us, Zen80
